It's Been a Long Time

I decided to start blogging again, or at least make a good attempt. So much time has gone by and I haven't really caught anyone up on what's going on in my life, so this may be a long post. I have had a bad year as far as the depression. For so many years, I have been taking the same antidepressant, and I guess it just stopped working. As it usually happens, I don't notice it all at once. It seems to creep up on me. For the last several months, I have done my best to never leave the house unless it's to go out to eat with my husband, which we have done less and less. It's to the point now, he does most of the errands, grocery shopping, etc. The doctor has changed my meds and done some adjustments, plus is looking into some type of new blue full spectrum light that he wants me to try to see if this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm still in weekly therapy, same therapist. Of course, my mother-in-law is coming again this year, but only for one week. We did have a bit of drama, as my daughter and I had decided, for several reasons (1. youngest son flying into her city because it's less on airfare 2. she won't have to get the kids out for a long car trip 3. She has three times the space in her house that we have here.) Anyway, it made sense to us. We had to drive up there anyway to pick up my son and his girlfriend, so we thought we'd just go on Christmas eve morning, open gifts, have lunch, visit awhile, and then come home in the afternoon. My husband agreed it was a great idea, and mentioned it to his mom during his weekly call to her and her reply was...."Well if I'd known you were going to do that, I wouldn't have bought a ticket to come." After some emails, calls, pleads, all he or I can get out of her is that she doesn't feel a part of things, no specifics. I wrote her a long letter and got one back, with no specifics but just some comments that "we will go" and "she will be fine." Anyway, now my husband, who is an only child and the only family she has (since she doesn't really seem to want to claim us, even though we're trying to claim her) is going to worry all day about whether or not she's happy. Of course, in therapy, I've dealt with this, that I've done what I can, I don't have to make everything ok for everyone, it's her choice whether she's happy or not...etc. I did ask my husband directly have I or my kids ever said or done anything to her to make her feel unwelcome, and his reply was no, we are all friendly and kind to her. So...who knows. My mom was supposed to come this year at Thanksgiving. That's the only time of the year I see her, and she missed last year. Well I hurt my back the week before Thanksgiving, and so she called to tell me I should not have it this year. I told her the kids really wanted to see each other, I wanted to see them, and the grandkids, and that we were going to get a dinner box from the Cracker Barrel so I would have very little to do to prepare, so it would be fine. She then said a few things that sort of gave me the feeling she just didn't want to come. My mom is in her 80's, and it's an hour's drive, so I told her if she didn't want to come, she didn't have to, but we all really would like to see her. Then she said well, she might not come this year. I said ok, well if you don't feel like it, I understand. After a little more talk, she said she needed to go, because she had dinner in the oven to take over to my sister's house, because their family was having their big Thanksgiving celebration that evening a week early because of schedules. I got off the phone, and called my daughter on Facetime (our new way to talk) and while I was talking to her, I broke down. I cried and cried. She said she'd like to call her grandmother and talk to her, and I said no. I didn't want her to get in the middle of that mess. The next day I saw my therapist, and she said I should have told my mom how I felt, or let my daughter call and at least let her know that I was upset. She continues to tell me I don't give myself value and that I treat myself as a non-person, like I don't matter. The example she always uses, and my children agree to, is that the only time I've pitched a fit and stood up to someone it was because someone did something to my children. Not to me. So, my daughter called and told her I was upset, and that she knew Mom lives close to my sister, and that they are close, but that they treat me like I'm not part of the family, I don't feel welcome to come there, I'm never invited, and it's like I don't matter. She said this thing with my sister and I not talking has gone on so long no one even knows what it's about anymore, and that when my mom passes away there will never be any contact at all, and that's not right. And that it's not up to Mom to try to heal it. We need to do that ourselves. My mom said my sister is not mad, there is no problem, etc. So my daughter said my sister needs to call and tell me that, or at least talk to me about it. Well, the next morning, I got a call and it had my sister's name on the caller ID. I can't tell you how bad my heart was pounding. It ended up being my mom to say she had decided maybe she'd come for Thanksgiving after all, and could she bring the deviled eggs. I swear, that was our conversation. She came, and we had a nice day. My granddaughter was trying to figure out who my mom was, and she said "Did you met me before?" (She's four.) I tried to explain that this is your mama, and I'm her mama and this is my mama. She said oh. Can I call her Nana? And that's what we all agreed on. (I'm Granny). My mom said your sister said she'd like to have you ride with her sometime to go out and see your dad (My dad has Alzheimers) and it's a long way to drive by yourself (it is), so would I like to do that sometime? I have not seen my sister alone without Mama dragging her somewhere to appease me, in almost fifteen years. So I said sure, have her call me. She called....it went like this.... "Mama said you want to go with me to Daddy's." "Yes, I would." "Well, the only day I can go is Thursday." I said "Thursday is fine with me." "Well, you'd have to meet me halfway." (We come from different directions.) I said I can do that. "Well I have to go early. What time do you get up?" "I can be there whenever you want me to." "Well then meet me at 8:30." "Ok." Then she said, "I can't stay too long. I have to get back to pick up the grandkids at school." "That's fine. We can leave when you are ready." "Ok, then. See you then. Bye." My therapist said I will have her to myself for an hour in the car from where we meet to my father's house, without my mom as a buffer. And we have to talk. That I have to deal with my core issue, which is the break in our relationship. In my birth family, you don't discuss feelings, or problems. YOu pretend they don't exist. But the therapist said that's their rules, and I don't have to play by those. In the past, she has really used every opportunity to put me down, and I always got my feelings hurt and kept quiet about it. She is good at jabs that hit below the belt. It happened so much in our younger years that I never noticed she did it until other people kept asking me why she does that? So the first thing the therapist said is that I don't have to take that anymore. I can choose to address it, or even just to say, "Why would you say that to me. That hurts my feelings." I told the therapist there is a part of me that is scared to death of her. And part of me, I guess the part that has benefited from this therapy, that is ready for this. She said we need to discuss what we want from our relationship as sisters, if anything. She asked me what I wanted. I said to have peace, to be able to talk now and then, and not dread having to do it, to be in the room with each other, without feeling the tension, to feel welcome at each other's homes and in each other's lives, but not feel like we have to be best buddies and see each other often. The therapist's office called me back yesterday to ask if I could come in this afternoon again, because she had a cancellation. I guess she thinks I needa little more preparation. ha. And she's right. I'm not an assertive person, and while I'm trying to learn to be (that was my 2011 new years resolution), I've got a long way to go. But, tomorrow morning, as we sometimes say when we're feeling very much like Southerner's....the sh*t will hit the fan. And I dread it. But I have to deal with this core issue once and for all.....(guess who told me that. ha) So I'll let you know what happens. I have missed all of you, my readers. I tried Facebook, but I get too lost in all the messages to be able to keep up. So feel free to comment. I opened this blog up as public. I don't know that I will keep it that way, but for now, I have.