It Went Better Than Expected

I realized when I arrived where I was supposed to meet her that I had no idea what kind of car she drove nor did she know mine. But soon, we figured out who each other were. She started talking like we had no break whatsoever in communication and that she had a long conversation with me yesterday instead of fifteen years ago. She was pleasant, and we did a lot of talking about "Do you remember" things from our past. One of the things I have realized forever is I hate Christmas, always have as long as I can remember, pre-yearly mother-in-law visits, pre- friend's Christmas suicide, just always a feeling of dread at the very mention of Christmas. In therapy, we discussed this, and I can remember Easters, Birthdays, Valentines Days, etc. from my years from nine and under (when my parents split up) but nothing, nada about Christmas. I told the therapist I really wanted to figure this out, because it is a big peeve with my husband that anyone could hate Christmas. So since my sister is four years older, I figured maybe she would remember more. She did. She said that on Christmas morning, we would get up, Mama would make us eat breakfast, get dressed, and then we'd go into the living room and unwrap our presents. However, we were not allowed to open the boxes/packages. All the paper was cleared away, and Mama stacked them on our beds. Then we went next door to my paternal grandmother's house. We were not allowed to take any presents over there, because Mama said there would be too many children and we would lose or tear them up. So we went over there and according to my sister, my grandmother had cooked for days and days. (She had ten children including my dad). They had a small house, but they would set up saw horses and plywood and make one huge long table down the middle of the dining room and living room, and everyone would come eat. I said how many people? She said well, there were twenty two adults, and then all their children, and you were probably the youngest one. She remembered this because none of the older kids wanted to play with me, so I pretty much sat there. She said Daddy would not let us go back next door home, and we stayed all day. She said I would get tired and cranky and by the time we went home, late in the day, I'd end up going straight to bed. She said then when we finally did get into our presents, Mama and Daddy would fight about how much money she spent. She said I never understood this, because I didn't see how she had to spend any since Santa brought them. So that was our Christmas. And once I said I didn't want to go, and got a spanking before we ever left for talking back. For the longest time I have had this recurring nightmare. I'm on a cruise ship or in a mall or in a house, and it is just packed wall to wall with people, and I can't find my stuff. I have no money, no phone, no way to call anyone, and I am separated from everyone I know. So I wonder how much of that dream has always had to do with Christmas. Anyway, my sister told me about some other things I didn't remember and really didn't want to, but she left out the parts where she used to torment me. I never brought up our "being on a break" for fifteen years. She was polite to me all day, except for one comment when we were at my dad's. Her cell phone kept ringing, and my step mom asked if she always kept that with her. She said oh yes, because mama hates it when I go off somewhere and forget it and she has to answer it. I said, "Yeah, I guess Mama's not used to it, because she doesn't even have one." "Yes, she does now," she said, "She just doesn't want you to have the number." Then she kept right on talking to my step mom like she hadn't said anything. I doubt it's true, because anyone who knows me knows I HATE talking on the phone, rarely answer it unless it is one of the kids, so I don't know why she would mind me having it. I know the therapist is going to say I should have gone back to that but I didn't. I also didn't scream or cry or have a bad day, so I think all in all it went ok. I'm in no hurry to see her again, but I am glad to know that we can at least be comfortable around each other for a few hours. Daddy's Alzheimer's is getting worse. He kept asking about me, and how was Kathy? And I was sitting there talking to him. When we got ready to leave, I hugged him and said, I love you Daddy. And he looked at me and said, I love you too Baby Doll. Which is what he always called me when I was little. So maybe somewhere he knows me. Well, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to go to the chiro in the morning, then go by Best Buy and try to talk my husband into buying us two iphones on sprint. Then we pick up his daughter for lunch and to take her to the courthouse to get her a non-driver's ID. She's moving to Texas in December with a guy she met on the internet. Her husband is giving her 1000 dollars traveling money, according to her, and wishing her well. Truth is stranger than fiction. Always.