Temporary Insanity

Ok, Amy made a request that she's like to know about the "three week guy" I mentioned in my last post. I was going to add my comment but it was getting too long, so I decided to hang my dirty laundry on the line and just put this out there for any of you who don't think I'm far enough off my rocker!
Really, I think our mistakes are actually a good thing, because we learn such valuable lessons from them, but mostly because they give us such humility.
I was married nineteen years the first time, and he started having an affair with a lady in the PTA (He was PTA president). This affair went on for a year before I figured it out. I ended up divorcing him, and since I married at seventeen, I had no idea who I was. All I knew is I was fat, nearing forty, and had three kids. Didn't sound like much of a package anyone would want to take on. So I decided I'd just raise my kids and try not to think about men!
That worked fine for a year. Then I decided to take my kids to visit a little country church where one of their friends went. After church, this sweet looking little old gray haired lady came up and started talking to me. I ended up telling her where we lived, that I was divorced, etc. The next day she called and said she had a huge apple tree in her yard, and apples were falling faster than they could eat them. She said if I would come by, she would love to give me some apples. Hey, groceries were at a premium at our house, and I like apples. So I went. While I was there, she mentioned her divorced son who had just moved back home (well actually in another place behind their house) and how nice he was. She said you need a nice man. I said, You think so? and laughed. I mean what do you say to that?
Well that was enough. The next day I got a call from the son, saying Mom had given him my number. We talked and he asked me to go to the movies. I was so THRILLED that anyone wanted to take me anywhere, I said I'd go. We went out and although thinking back I thought he was repulsive, I also thought he was nice. And he had one thing going for him. He actually seemed to like me. Wow. What about that.
His mom kept calling, saying he was so crazy over me and how good a son he was to her, and how he needed a good woman, and I needed someone and yada yada yada. They both started putting pressure on me to get married. I mean pressure with a capital P. I heard everything from how much of my life was I going to waste to I wasn't getting any younger, etc. I began to believe them. I said I'd marry him. My kids screamed NOOOOO. My family screamed NOOOOO. My dad begged me to wait. Everyone said I had lost my mind. But all I could think of was someone actually likes me. He likes me. Oh My God.
So we married, he moved in. I was working a full time job, and going to school full time trying to get my degree so I could teach. I left out the next morning and came home to find he hadn't left the house. He said he was sick. Ok. Next day still sick. Beginning to smell a rat. Third day he admits he quit his job. Why? Because I was working why should he? He likes being home and he can cook. Now the smell of rat is getting terrible. But I don't know what to do. I mean really. I didn't know what to do. I was that beaten down at that time.
My mom called me the next morning and said how are you doing? I started bawling. She said, "You know you can get a divorce. You don't have to stay with him." So it was like I got permission. I went home and said LEAVE. He asked if he could stay to the end of the week. I said NOOOO, this hotel is closed for repairs. Go to Mom's!!!
A lot of my family and friends don't know about that marriage. I quietly slipped down and paid for a divorce and tried to act like nothing happened.

But something did happen. I had just stood up for myself for the first time. And I liked it. It would take a lot of practice and I'm still not very good at it. But I can remember a hand full of times that I have done it, and it feels great. Now how was that for my 250th blog entry?

Why Didn't I Think of That?

I've been married a few times. ha. First time was at the courthouse during our lunch hour from work. Second time was a small wedding at a country church that his mother organized (she was trying to get rid of him. I found out why and ditched him after three weeks). Third and fourth were to same guy, at courthouse. Then I found this one, a keeper, and wanted to get married at my favorite place on earth, the Japanese garden near our home. So other than the homemade wedding cake that number two's mom made, I've never had the big to-do wedding.
However, if I ever did, I think this would be the perfect cake. It's made of Ding Dongs. Now those people had the right outlook on life. Start it out with a chocolate high. It's got to be a great beginning.

A Real Blast From the Past!

When I was a girl, having always been a die-hard introvert, I spent a LOT of time alone in my room, usually with the door locked. I didn't have a tv in there, or an x-box, or a computer (all today's teens are passing out about now) but I did have the two things every red blooded American teenager had to have to be happy in the 70's. I had a phone, a pink Princess rotary dial phone, and I had a record player. I could entertain myself for hours and hours with records and books. I got $5 allowance each week. A 45 record (for you young ones, they had two songs) costs $1 at JCPenney. So every week, I bought at least one record.
I listened to my favorite songs, over and over (Bread, Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, James Taylor, Carole King). When I had a terrible breakup with a boyfriend, I'd sit and cry to sad records. When I was feeling happy, I'd dance to them. (With the door locked, remember?) When my parents divorced, I sat and listened to some stupid song by the Browns, called Oh No! Everytime they said, "Oh No!" I'd burst out crying! Very cathartic.
Then later on, as time passed, and I married and had babies, and we moved a bazillion times, I lost my records, or sold them in a yard sale, or gave them away.
Well my husband decided to give me something for my fiftieth birthday that he knew would touch my heart, and so he got me a record player! The one that is pictured. A Crosley Traveler, Spin-o-Matic that automatically drops the records one at a time.
So I started looking on Ebay. A lot of people are selling their old record collections, cheaper than what I paid for them back then! And if you hit the right age person on there, you end up with the same exact hits I had back then. So I ordered some records off Ebay, too. I feel like a kid at Christmas! I can't wait for it to get here!
The counselor today thinks I need to get more exercise and that would help my mood. I bought a bicycle pump for my old Schwinn Classic Cruiser hanging in my garage. I think I'll get out and ride some.
Now am I a BLAST FROM THE PAST or what?! Click it!

Is this a Westinghouse?

A friend recommended I try making a list and checking things off when I get them done. I'm trying that today. Then if I at least see a few checks I can tell myself I actually got something accomplished during my day.
We had my stepdaughter and her husband over for dinner. I really worry about them sometimes. It seems like it's only with a lot of life under your belt that you begin to look farther ahead than right now. Our decisions become based on how this will affect us in ten years, twenty years, not just this month. I guess that maturity eventually takes care of the nearsightedness. The Easter dinner part turned out fine. My husband helped and we got it all pulled together. I even made a cheesecake by a new recipe I had and it was really good.
I made a menu for what we are having for dinners all week, so I have that planned out too. See how organized (agonized) I am? ha.
My daughter sent me a cute Easter greeting, of a big bunny perched in the refrigerator on a shelf. So the question to the bunny was what he was doing in there. He said well this is a Westinghouse isn't it? Yes. Well, I'm westing! :-)
I see the counselor today, and dread that. But usually I feel better after I go.
I'm thinking about not making anymore appointments.

Error!

Sometimes the things we think are errors are exactly what we need to hear at the time. Don't assume you messed up when you get there. Take the time to read the whole page.
I thought that page was funny since I had just whined about how much time I spent in mindlessly staring at a computer screen. Evidently, I'm not the only one with this infliction.

A Bump on a Log

I had no idea this weekend was Easter. A long time ago, I ordered a honeybaked ham for Easter, and when I got the email that it had been shipped, I couldn't figure out why they were shipping this early! My family has always had a big dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas, sometimes birthdays. But my husband is used to also having a big "get together" for Easter. Which has always been fine. He likes to invite his daughter and her husband that day. This year that has just caught me a little off guard. So I don't have anything planned for Sunday, and little time to get it done. Add to that the fact we made plans to go boat riding on Saturday. So whatever I'm going to do for Easter better get figured out pronto. (Do you think I'll go to hell for grumbling over Easter?)
All I've done this week is sit on my butt. I haven't answered my friends' emails the way I should. I haven't done much of anything in the house except make dinner and keep the laundry up. I've been in sweats all week, and I don't think I've left the house even once.
When I was working, I got up every day and I got ready and went to work. I have a strong work ethic so when I was there, I wanted them to get their money's worth. I worked diligently for my time and then came home. (Also made the day go faster). And now, all I really need to do is get up, get dressed, fix myself up a little, straighten up the house, do some organizing projects I need to do around here (like cleaning out closets etc.), and just keep up with normal day to day things. So what am I doing? Nothing. Well actually that's not true. I'm spending my day not getting anything done that feels important, not wanting to do anything, and feeling so mad at myself because I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. Like a viscous circle.
Yesterday a friend called me that I'm always happy to hear from. I sat there and couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. I listened but honestly felt like I wasn't able to contribute anything to the conversation that meant anything. It was exasperating.
So I know the fix for this. MAKE myself do the things I need to do so that I do feel useful. But even though this bothers me, I still don't want to do anything about it.
I'm mad at myself for the amount of time I spend sitting in the recliner, surfing on the computer, or watching stupid tv shows.
So what did I do to make myself feel better? I baked a dozen choc chip cookies and ate a whole plate. Now I have a stomach ache, and feel worse. And I'm angry about that!

Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

Ok, saw the therapist again today. She's had me keeping a dream journal for awhile now. You know how you wake up and you were sort of in the middle of a detailed dream and then it just sort of drifts away and then you can't remember any of it? Well, she told me to keep a notebook and pen by the bed, and write as soon as I wake up. So I tried it. I found out even if I can only vaguely remember the dream, once I pick up the paper and pencil and start writing (lying flat on my back holding it in the air!) all the details reappear and I remember much more of it than I thought I would. Well, my first observation in doing this was that I sure have freaky weird dreams. But after ten or fifteen entries, I began to see that even my freaky weird dreams have a pattern. My dreams range from being at school and wandering the halls terrified that I can't find my class and will be late, to wandering in a huge parking lot and can't find my car and am going to be late, or babysitting and losing the baby and being terrified the parents will find out, etc etc. In every single dream I have, I'm scared I'm going to get into trouble. Someone is going to figure out I'm incompetent, absent minded, stupid, etc and I'm going to get into terrible trouble, or they won't like me, or some other fate worst than death.
So when I told her what I had discovered about my dreams, she was not surprised. She said it goes back to the not feeling good enough thing. And the anxiety that I won't measure up no matter how hard I try.
So I wanted to know how to FIX IT. She said well you are. You are telling yourself different things than the old tapes you usually play. You're journaling and coming to therapy and learning more about yourself so you can change these old patterns, and you are pushing yourself to challenge the way you've always done things.
I've decided to say a little prayer before I go to bed at night and ask God to please let me just get into trouble in my dream and it still all be fine. I'll let you know if it works. :-)

Why is the Weather Siren Going Off?

The last few days have been an adventure. The tornado warnings rang out last night, and my husband (bless his heart) got out the flashlights, candles, cash, etc and barricaded us in the hallway. Then we had a bit of large hail, about walnut size. My son was thrilled to get a piece of it to put in the freezer. We had some wind and a lot of rain and lightning. We only stayed in the hall about ten minutes, then went back into the living room to see what the television said, and it looked like it had passed us. More storms came through after that, but I went to bed.

I think my husband sat up for most of the night, because he's not lived in Alabama long enough to get used to the tornadoes. I've lived here for fifty years. I've stood with my daddy at the top of the basement steps and watched a huge tornado go by, while my mother screamed at us from inside the basement. I learned one thing. If a tornado is going to strike your house directly, it's not going to matter much whether you were standing outside or hiding in a closet. If it hits directly, you can kiss your hiney goodbye. So that leaves two options. You can sit up all night and worry and wait. Or you can look at it like I do. The chance of it actually hitting one particular house are small. They tend to hit and miss most of the time, taking one roof, leaving a house, hitting another one. And a tornado has a path, not covering the whole city at once. So if you're not in the direct path, you're ok. So I choose to go to bed. Also, we don't have large trees in our yard so we don't have that part of it to deal with.

Today, we decided to try a new Portuguese Restaurant that opened near here. I had never had that kind of food, and the different taste of the spices took some getting used to. I think it was good, but I'm not sure it's something I would ever want to have again. What I had was sort of greasy, which was a steak, pan fried in some strange sauce. My husband had paella, and I got to try a mussel out of his dish, which I had never tasted before. It was pretty good.

After we got home, my husband remembered this is his weekend to have to go out to work for awhile to check on their system. They do a rotating schedule and this was his time. So he went out there, and I'm just sitting watching Judge Judy because it came on.
I'm reading the DaVinci code, because I'm the last person in America who hasn't read it, and I want to be able to see the movie and compare it to the book. I'm also reading Joan Anderson's A Weekend To Change Your Life. I tend to read several books at once. One in my purse, one by the recliner, one on the nightstand....I actually bought all the Harry Potter books but haven't read them yet. Well actually I read the first one, but it's been so long ago I'd probably have to start over. I think I have ADD when it comes to books.

I got the bright idea today I might like to get hair extensions, until I read about it online and how much it costs. I guess I'll just stick to the letting it grow like everyone else.
My life seems very boring lately, even with all our adventures.

Worth Repeating

Now and then I hear something that resonates with me, and I just have to share. This was from yesterday's Starting Over television show. It was spoken by Iyanla Vanzant in a group session of women from all age groups.

When a woman is in her 20's, the question is "Who am I?" Am I who my parents say I am? Am I what the world says I am? Am I who they want me to be? Who am I? And at the physical level, it's all about the clothes and the car and the body and the fun and the parties. And at the emotional level, it's about being loved and accepted. At the spiritual level, it's about freedom and no limits. 20's don't like to be limited.

The question for the 30ish year old woman is "What do I want?" It's really not so much about the physical now-the clothes, the car, but about security. What do I want and how can I move forward in a very secure place?"

The forties are the age of purpose. Now the body does start to change and we can either stay in the physicality and be hysterical about it, or be at the spiritual level where there is acceptance. The big question for the 40 year old woman is "What am I doing? And who cares anyway?"

Then there is the 50-ish year old woman- the wise one. The question for the 50 year old woman is what do I have to offer? The key for fifty, where 40 is about acceptance, fifty is about forgiveness. Because it's very easy for the things we don't forgive to turn into bitterness and there is nothing more attractive than a bitter old woman.

Do you know any bitter old women? Do you know an old wise woman? Every woman needs an old wise woman in her life. Because where men learn from institutions and organizations, women learn from each other. Today, profect yourself forward...picture yourself at 70 and write a monologue of what it is like to be seventy.

Life and Other Modern Inconveniences

My fiftieth birthday is in May. I figured out today that I can officially join AARP and also qualify for a Lifelong Learning Program at a local college where you can take courses for a flat 40 dollars per semester (as many classes as you want.) They are the kind of classes that most continuing ed classes include, some foreign languages, yoga, etc etc. I'm really getting excited about the idea of going back to school and taking some things I'm interested in.
I always loved college. I think it gave me a big healthy dose of self esteem I hadn't had before. When I got there, I figured out I wasn't as dumb as some people had told me I was. It was fun to me. Of course, as the pressure escalated, and I got into my senior year, doing student teaching, senior projects, two classes, exams, working full time, and being a single mom, it wasn't quite as much fun. ha. But all in all I love school. I love wandering the bookstores buying the books, picking out pens and pencils and notebooks, the whole thing. I never even minded being the old one in the classes. Being older makes you feel wiser than the younger ones, even when you're not. So I'm looking forward to the idea of going back and taking some classes. Fifty has its advantages.
I realized this week just how "flighty" I am lately. I go from one thing to another to another. Nothing seems to keep my attention for long until I'm looking into the next thing. I've gone from jewelry making to scrapbooking, to drawing, to painting, to studying different religions to writing to etc etc etc. You get the idea. I asked my husband what he though of all this. Did he think I was nuts? ADD? He replied that he just figured I was trying to find things I liked to do, and part of that process was trying all kinds of new things, and he thought that was great. Not one time did he mention the money I've spent trying to pursue all this other stuff. That's why I married the man. He's kind.
Also turning fifty has another advantage. I found out my kids have planned a surprise trip (that is no longer a surprise) to Florida for my birthday. We get to eat seafood and lay on the beach and drink Pina Coladas and listen to Jimmy Buffett music. I'm getting out my Hawaiian print blouses so I can fit right in. ha. Really, I'm glad I have that to look forward to. I think it will be fun.
Awhile back I decided to grow my hair out longer. Then I ended up cutting it. Now I'm wishing I had just let it grow. So I'm trying to do that again. I keep telling it to hurry up and grow but it's not listening. I have no patience. Maybe I should get hair extensions. ha. What in the world are hair extensions anyway? Do they glue hair to your head? Ouch.
My house is all clean today, thanks to the cleaning lady who came yesterday. I hope to get some laundry done, make a baked spaghetti for dinner, and then spend the afternoon painting guilt-free.
I'm watching this movie with Kathy Bates, called Ambulance Girl on tv. It's about this lady who is depressed and her husband tells her she's made him the center of her life and he hates that. So she decides at fifty something to go out and get her EMT license, and she loves it and it's like her new thing. So then the husband gets jealous of it and resents her new interest. The movie is not over but already I want to smack him up the side of his hard head. I don't know how I never heard of this movie before now. It's several years old I think. Probably because it's not something that would appeal to that much of an audience. But I like movies about women who start over, like Sleeping With the Enemy and A Home of Our Own, etc.
Lord knows I've done my own share of starting over. And over and over and over.

Nothing New

Tuesday was our third wedding anniversary. My husband took off work and we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant for dinner. It was very nice. He also got me a gift card from Books A Million and a card.
We hope this weekend to go to Birmingham to PF changs. I love that restaurant but we don't have one near here, so we have to drive awhile but it's worth it.
We have been watching American Idol this season. I think Mandissa is the best singer, and I'm tired of people saying she's not "marketable" because she's fat. I think they only say that because she's a female, because they didn't say that about Ruben, now did they? Whether she's 100 pounds or 1000 pounds, she's still the most talented.
I haven't written the letters yet that the counselor asked me to write. Because I don't see her again until next week, I have some time to think about what I want to say. I'll post the letters to this blog when I get them written. It's been good this week for me to think about what I want to say, instead of just writing without thought. I've had time to deal with some of the anger, so I think I can do it from a better place. I also haven't written my goals yet. I'm sort of at a loss on that one. I feel like right now my goals are to just get up each day and do whatever I feel like doing, whether that's art, music, reading, or absolutely nothing but mindless television watching. Of course, every day includes having to clean up the house and cook dinner, so it's not all "doing nothing" time.
I've been reading about herb gardens, and am thinking of doing something like that out back in our courtyard, although I like the idea of an indoor herb garden better. We just don't get any light in here.
I bought a couple of bookcases for our bedroom. My book collection is overflowing every nook and cranny in this house, and I can't find any of them when I want to.
Nothing else new around here.
My stepdaughter and her husband seem to be having some problems managing to make it month to month on his trust fund. My husband went down to take them some money. He said he was going to talk to them about his concerns about their future (what will they do when the money is gone and they have no job experience etc.) He came back and hadn't said anything to them. I don't blame him. I told him I think we should help the kids, mine included, when they are doing everything they can to help themselves. We don't understand them not wanting to have the reward of enjoying the fruits of their own labors and stand on their own, apart from trusts etc. But hey, it's not my thing.

I Saw You Crying in the.......

Now and then you read a story that is just worth repeating. This is one of those:

A young composer came to Mozart and asked, "How do I write symphonies?"
Mozart replied, "Well, you are young yet. Perhaps you should begin by writing minuets."
The young man was disturbed, "But you were writing symphonies when you were only nine years old!"
Mozart said, "Yes, but I didn't ask anyone how to do it."

And now for some humor....
On the outside of a birthday card:" Happy Birthday. Inside is your very important message from God"
Inside: "See you soon!"

We aren't doing anything much this weekend. We found this new Italian restaurant near our house and we're going back there tonight for dinner. Then we plan to go see "Inside Man."
I have this thing for movies. When I was growing up, as I've said before many times, emotion was not shown in our home without ridicule. Everytime I got up enough money, I would go alone to the movie theatre (there were three very near our house). Inside, I'd pick an emotional movie, go in, sit in the dark, and laugh and cry to my heart's content. I think movies saved me.

Hush Mama and Let me Talk!

If I broke my legs and had to have physical therapy, I wouldn't expect it to be a quick fix. I'd expect it to take some time and patience. But I didn't think that way about going for counseling therapy. I wanted to spill my guts, let her pinpoint where I'm messing up, give me a 1-2-3 way of fixing it, and WA-LA! Even me in my muddle mind realized it's not reasonable to expect that. However, that didn't keep me from asking the counselor today if she could give me the steps I need to take to fix myself. She smiled one of those smiles that you immediately interpret as "Oh, you silly, silly, child."
But she knows me, after listening to my ramblings now for several weeks, and she knew that even if she couldn't give me an immediate solution, the least she could do is give me a map. She suggested I go home and get a notebook and write "The Fix It Book". In this book, I am to take a page for each of the problems I have in my life. She suggested if that seems overwhelming just pick a couple. Then under it write what the ultimate outcome would be, the one I'd most like to see, and then under it start listing the steps I'm willing to take to get there.
Her next advice was to write a dream for myself. A big dream. If it didn't matter what money I had, or what people thought or how far fetched it seemed to me, just dream big and write it down.
Then she suggested I write a letter to anyone who had hurt me. I told her a good friend suggested that not only does it help to write it, but it helps to write a response from the other person to yourself of what you wish they would say. She said that sounded like a great idea. She said I need to express in these letters my anger, my fear, my frustrations, my needs, my wants, and be specific. Then I am to bring those to the next counseling session. She said those letters can be one step that I list in my fix it book.
She talked to me about my writing. How I get inspired, how do I write, where the words come from. Then she asked where I wanted my writing to go. I said I wish I could write something that touched millions of people, but I didn't want to be famous for it, because that would mean I would have to do interviews, go on Oprah (gasp!) etc. I told her my dream was more to write something brilliant, and after I'm gone have it be discovered and then I could be famous. (Hey, I just tell her the first thing that comes into my brain!) She said why do you not want to be famous for your writing while you're here to enjoy it? I replied that I would not be comfortable with the recognition, I'd feel like I was being "hoytie, toytie", and "who does she think she is!"
She sat back in her chair, and said, "I didn't ask you about your writing dream because I particulurly wanted to know about the writing process. I asked you these questions because I wanted to know what YOU really thought, dreamed, hoped for. But instead of hearing from you, I heard from your mother."
That's why I pay that woman what I pay her. She says things that knock the breath out of me and leave me sitting like a deer in the headlights.
So it was a good session.

And She Goes On and On and On....

I've felt better since I went to the counselor the other day. I guess I got out some of the emotion I've had bottled up for awhile. I started journaling but am finding it difficult to write that much. I guess I can type now better/quicker than I can write! But I guess the idea is to take your time journaling so your mind has time to think, instead of rambling like I usually do in this blog. ha.
My step-daughter and her husband came over Friday. We had quiche. After dinner, I got a shipment from UPS of the book I ordered, "Letters to My Teacher", that had my short story in it. (It was just released.) He wanted to read the story and did, then asked if I had a website to promote my work. My husband said, "Oh yes, she has a website for that. She also has a blog!"
Well, that started it. He wanted the address to my blog. I told him I'd have to think about it. He continued to harp on it throughout dinner, the movie, and the time afterward. He said if I wasn't ashamed of what I had written, and it was true, why did I care who read it? I said part of the fun of blogging is the anonimity, and not hurting anyone else's feelings. He didn't buy that either. We went to see 16 Blocks with them on Friday, and then yesterday we went to see Failure to Launch. Both were good. Then my husband wanted to stop by his favorite hobby shop, and he found that they were going out of business and were having a huge 50% off sale. He bought over three hundred dollars worth of war models. He says he's all set now for retirement, as he intends to spend a lot of his free time putting them together. He was so excited, and said it seemed like Christmas.
I've begun drawing. It seems like when things bother me, I always feel better if I can stop and do something creative. I bought a book about learning to draw and I'm having a lot of fun with it. And anytime I need to be alone, I can sit with my sketch pad, look inspired, and say, "Leave me alone. I'm concentrating!"
A couple of people wanted me to mention the names of the books the counselor wanted me to read. They are Love is a Choice, Beyond the Darkness, and The Courage to Heal.
I just found out Jessica Simpson has a malti-poo puppy that looks identical to our dog. But of course, I think ours is much cuter!

Open the Floodgates

I went to see the counselor this morning, and I took the pictures I made of the neighbors house. And we talked about it, and I do remember a few things but it's so vague. More like glimpses of things but nothing that really goes together. What is very real to me though, is the feelings that come up when I talk to her about it. So I realized today that if I can remember crying on the first day of school and being afraid, but no feelings come up for that NOW, but just thinking of this place and that man make my heart pound, my hands shake, and feel like I'm smothering, then it's probably safe to assume something traumatic happened to me, and that I probably won't ever really know what because I was so young. ( I did get the pictures my mom sent that the neighbor man made of me, and my counselor's only comment was that I sure didn't look happy in any of them.)
So then we continued to talk about other things, and the way I've always been the black sheep of my family, the one that is "different". She said and why do you think that is? I said I didn't know, but that I'd always wondered what was wrong with me. She said I know what is wrong but I can't tell you because it is something you need to learn for yourself. So then she said, "As a five year old child, what could be wrong with you? What could have been wrong with you that made you deserve to be traumatized as a child by a neighbor? What could have been wrong with you that made your mother not ever tell you she loved you?" I sat there like a deer in the headlights and couldn't say anything.
She said, "I want you to repeat after me. There was nothing wrong with me."
Well, I lost it. I broke down and couldn't stop crying. It was like someone opened the flood gates, and I realized I couldn't say it. At the same time, I kept thinking I knew that in my mind, that I was ok, but why couldn't I just open my mouth and say it. And why was I sitting there crying like a baby?
She didn't speak this whole time and it felt like forever. I thought maybe she'd forget what she had asked me to do. But she said, Just try to say it out loud. And I did. I cried some more. And the tears stopped finally, and then I started to get really angry at how unfair it all was. I guess I still have a hard time believing there could have been something wrong with my father, my mother, and my sister, and that it wasn't ME. I mean that's three to one. But I do feel better than I did this morning. She gave me two books to read and said to journal. So this blog entry is part of that journaling.
I started a blog a long time ago just because I wanted an anonymous place to vent, and gradually I began to write more what I thought others wanted to read and not so much for me. Well I'm going to write my junk for awhile. I apologize if I bore those people who have been faithful readers. I love all you guys. Hang in there with me.

Know Thyself

I love those online personality tests. It's become even more important to me as I grow older to know myself better. After my last divorce, I had pretty much forgotten what I liked, wanted, etc. I tend to do what others want to avoid conflict. But after I realized how I had lost myself in that relationship to the point I didn't really know what kind of food I liked best, what restaurants were my favorites, etc, I have had an interest in finding out what makes me tick. This test was very interesting. Here are my results.

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Show Me The Money

I went to see my Dad. It was a weird experience. I was sort of uncomfortable, but he did most of the talking. So I now know who died and left who money in the family, how much everyone has, who saves their's and who blows their's. I know how he started saving when he was young. He asked how my children are. I started to tell him but it wasn't the reply he wanted. He wanted to know if they make good money and are they saving for the future. I guess I had forgotten one major thing about him. He has money signs for eyes. When most people count sheep to go to sleep, he counts bundles of bank notes. My sister used to say, "He's richer than God, and so tight he squeaks when he walks." I think it's sad really, that his whole pleasure in life is counting his money, making more, and looking at his bank books. I've always said I hope he leaves me nothing when he dies, because I wouldn't want him to come back and haunt me for what I'd end up doing with it. Going to see him just made me tired. But at least it appeased the guilt for awhile. My mom called and left a message that she "found the boxes of slides that (the neighbor) made of me, and she was copying them to mail me, so I should "get ready." That last part gave me chills. There is a part of me that thinks if he was a perv and Mom knew he was strange, and that his whole family including his dad were strange, why was she allowing him to take me off with him and make boxes and boxes of pictures of me. And what were in the boxes of slides we didn't get. I don't think I can stand thinking much more about this. It's time to go down Da Nile again! The doctor put my husband on Lipitor for his high cholesterol. He's now having pain and numbness in both arms. He mentioned it at work and found out one of his co-workers walks now with a cane and blames it on Lipitor. So we looked it up on the web and it seems like a lot of people have similar problems. I wonder sometimes what these doctors are smoking.

And That's All

Yesterday I saw the therapist about the neighbor thing. After we talked awhile, I realized I 1) know the floor plan of the neighbor's house inside (where all the rooms are) and 2) I remembered a shed out back, dark inside, and it made me scared and physically feel like I was smothering. After that, she suggested that I 1) run a criminal background check on the neighbor, now deceased, to see if he was indeed a molester of anyone and 2) go by there to see if the houses are still there, and if there is any kind of outbuilding out back. She also suggested I not go do this alone, but take someone with me in case I get upset. I decided if I get upset, I don't want anyone there to see that, so I drove there alone. (about 45 miles away). As I drove up the street I found that, yes, the houses were still there. As I drove past, I saw what looked like an outbuilding of some kind, maybe. This freaked me out and I decided I didn't want to think about it anymore. I took my camera phone and took some pictures, thought I'd just go by and get some lunch somewhere and then look at them to see if I remembered anything. I went to get lunch but couldn't bring myself to look at the pictures yet. I calmed down and decided I would go back just to see if the outbuilding I thought I saw was really there, and if it was detached, and if I remembered anything else. I found an alleyway running behind the houses and drove up it, and took a picture of the detached outbuilding. I was finding it hard to breathe, literally. I drove down to the corner, calmed down, and came home. After I came home, it was surreal, like I must have surely imagined seeing all that. I sent the pictures to my email and looked. Yes, it's there. And I remember being inside, and the darkness, and not being able to breathe. And that's all.

Ohhhhhh Little Rock

I made a call to my father on Thursday. I haven't seen him but once in five years. I thought it's time I forgave him and his new wife and try to develop some kind of relationship as adults not a child and parents. I told them I would be out to visit on Saturday.
Thursday afternoon my youngest son called. He said he had a lot of congestion in his lungs and felt bad. I told him to call the doctor and go in to see him. Friday I call to get a doctor's report. No answer so I left a message. Saturday morning, another call. No answer. Around noon, that son's girlfriend called. She said he called her Friday night after he got off work saying he was "really feeling bad" and thinking of going to the ER. After that, she had not been able to get in touch with him. I sat down and called and called and called and finally, about an hour later, I packed my bags and headed out to Little Rock, Arkansas, six and a half hours away.
I made it to Memphis and got a call from him. "No Mom I'm fine. I don't know why she worried you. I'm really feeling better. It's just a cold. YOu don't need to come. I have so much stuff to do. I haven't cleaned my apt. You'd be so bored here." Etc. Etc. So faced with what to do, I figured I was about half way there, so I might as well turn around and come home. I drove from 1:30 PM until 8 P.M.
Then this morning, same son calls back. Feeling worse, fever, chills. I get back on the phone and call all over Little Rock for a walk-in clinic open on Sunday. He finally found one and went. He's on antibiotics and cough syrup.
Then my stepmom calls to tell me how I disappointed my dad because he had been watching for me all weekend.....
I've had a good week since I last posted the one about the neighbor guy. I told Cathy, I'm excellent at denial, and since I have to go to the counselor again tomorrow and talk about the conversation I had with my mother, I figure I better enjoy my denial as long as I can. I feel like Scarlett.
My husband brought me flowers tonight. He knew I'd had a bad week. He's a sweetie.

And it Magically Appeared!

I've always been an introvert. When others get recharged by being with others, that makes me drained, and the only way I can recharge is some time alone. I don't go to the socials our homeowners association gives. I have lived in this townhome since 2000, and it was built in 1997. Recently, as I've written, we got a leak in the roof and had to call in roofers. When they got up there, they found that our roof was leaking around the dormer because some of the siding on the dormer was rotted and needed to be replaced, as well as repairing the roof. No problem. Work got done. Everyone happy. Everyone it seems, but one of my anonymous neighbors.
Tonight, around 8 PM, we had a visitor, a poor little sheepish looking man holding a stack of papers. He informed us that one of our neighbors said we violated the rules of the townhome association, and a special meeting was held by the architectural committee to discuss our situation, and he was elected to come and tell us we were not allowed to ADD a dormer to our roof without their permission.
I explained that our upper floor did not magically appear, but has always been the thing up the stairs. And likewise, our dormer has always been there, too. However, because of a roof leak, we had it repaired, some siding replaced, etc. The repairs took a day and half. (I'd love to see someone tear a hole in the roof, frame out a dormer, and finish it out, rebuild the roof around it, and get it done in a day and half!) He looked very tired, and said he would go back and tell them, and he apologized. But I had a feeling he was not quite sure we hadn't built a dormer that had never been there, and how could we have a dormer up there for seven years and yet this neighbor never noticed?
Well after he left, I found the proposal we got from the roofers, along with their business card, and it listed all the repairs that were done. I ran a copy of this, and drafted a letter telling them basically, here's your evidence. Then I ended the letter by saying, "I've lived right here for six years. I pay my homeowners dues faithfully, have never complained about anything, follow the rules and mind my own business. I suggest the person who complained about this try to mind their's."
We put it in an envelope and addressed it to the committee and left it for them at the office.
Maybe my daughter is right, we need a house!