Money From Home, Spaghetti, and Furs

When my kids were small, I would have given anything for a way to make money at home. Now with a computer, it can be done. Of course, back then, I didn't have a computer.
So now I do a few different things to make money.

I write for Associated Content. They pay per page view now, and I get about $40 a month for articles I have stored on there (haven't written anything new in awhile.)

I enter stories on fieldreport.com. That is where I recently won a $1000 in their writing contest for October.

I do secret shopping for Marketforce and Shoppers Critique.

I sell things on Ebay occasionally.

And I do surveys for Mindfield. (The surveys pay $1-$3 or so each. When you get $10 in your account, you can request a check, or you can let it build up more and get a bigger check. I usually cash out every $10.)

And this sounds so cheesy but my husband gives me an allowance....He has a direct deposit going into my checking account every two weeks, not a lot but some spending money. We also keep a joint chkg for bill paying, but he pays the bills and I don't use it very often. I like having MY money.

Now and then, I think of going back to work, but thankfully, it's a fleeting thought that passes quickly. :-)

My middle son still has not found a job. He had a telephone interview yesterday, so hopefully he'll find something soon. I'm really worried about it. My daughter says being in Management Info Systems is a good field, and he should find something.

My best friend's ex is getting married this weekend. Their divorce has been final for about ten months. The new wife said my friend did not respect her husband because he said she didn't keep the house clean enough. I want to go over there and knock some sense into her. However, I rest assured that being married to his butt will knock some sense into her quickly enough. ha. I asked my friend how she felt about him getting married, and she said she couldn't care less. I don't know if I really buy that, but I hope for her sake that it's true. He's a royal JERK.

We watched Obama last night. Here (Don't know if it was nationwide), the audio and video feeds didn't match. Drove me crazy trying to watch it. I'd want a refund if I paid out that much and it was messed up like that.

I ordered a faux fur coat on Ebay. It's long and white and looks like ermine. I love it. I put it on and feel like a movie star. Then I look in the mirror and feel like a polar bear. Not sure who will win out but I know I'm going to enjoy wearing it. It's warm, too! No, that's not me in the picture. That's the Ebay photo.



My youngest son bought a new red convertible. He's really a big deal now. ha. He sold his motorcycle and truck to get it. I was thrilled the motorcycle was gone.


Well, Tuesday is voting day, and it's the first time I really don't want to vote. Yes, I will though. I have to go cancel out my husband's vote.

Well, I'm actually cooking tonight, so have to go start the spaghetti sauce. Me, cooking...what is the world coming to?

Dippety Do and Helmet Hair

I got up this morning early to color my hair. I've had good experiencing with coloring my own hair and some nightmares. Although I have sprung for coloring in a salon a few times, most of my life, from the age of fifteen, I've been doing my own. Believe it or not, Avon used to sell hair color, and my mom used to sell Avon. All my friends were using Sun-kissed (You spray it on, lie down in the sun, and gradually end up with really brassy blonde hair), but I wanted something not so drastic. My mom bought me some Avon Dark Blonde, which was a shade lighter than my normal light brown. I loved it. The next time I colored, it got a little lighter, then a little more, until I spent all my teen years as a medium blonde. Long, straight hair was the fashion. That's good, because my hair was long, extremely straight, would not hold a curl, and I had no idea how to style it.

I watched what other women in my family did with their hair. My grandmother sat at the kitchen table while my mother put in a Toni Home Permanent and then rolled her hair into pin curls secured with bobby pins to style it. (All the time my mom was perming and setting, she would yell that Mom was pulling her bald-headed.) Then she would comb it straight back, making waves with her fingers, and put on a white "invisible" hairnet. At least once during all this, she would swear she wished she was a man, so she could wear a crewcut all the time.


My sister slathered her hair in Dippety Doo and used wire rollers with pink piks to hold the rollers. Then she put a gigantic elastic cap over this, hooked a hose from it to the dryer unit, and turned it on.

It would blow out bigger and she'd sit with this contraption on her head until her hair was dry. This was followed by a lot of teasing (with a rat tail comb of course), curling up her flip with her fingers, and then spraying with a lot of Aqua Net hairspray. After this, no hair moved on her head, even in the wind, even when she moved her head suddenly.

My mom went to the beauty shop every week, where they colored, "washed and set" her hair. She always fell asleep under the dryer. They kept walking by and shoving her head back under the hot helmet so it would dry.

This was followed by a lot of teasing, a lot of Aqua Net, and polyester pillow cases to keep the hair from getting messy.

Drying hair was interesting. Usually, I just washed mine, combed it, and let it dry. I couldn't see sitting under the huge plastic cap my sister used, and I hadn't yet seen a handheld dryer. In the winter when it was really cold, I would flip my hair upside down in front of our floor level space heater and brush it while it dried. Yes, this left it slightly frizzy, but it dried.

My girlfriend, Dolores, said she would kill for my straight hair (in the early Cher days), and used to roll her hair on the cans that frozen orange juice came in to keep her red curls from curling.

Then came frosting kits. We all had to try this. I did my own and then two of my friends. Mine and one friend's hair turned out great. The other friend turned out green, and she spent the next two days at the beauty shop trying to fix it. (You notice I still referred to her as friend, as she knew my home treatments had no warranty, and I am almost positive she lied about having color on her hair already.)


I remember the Christmas I got a bright orange handheld dryer with brush and comb attachments and a set of hot rollers. I switched from the space heater to my new "Orangie" and was so happy that I could now wash my hair when something last minute came up. The hot rollers were a nightmare. The little metal hoop pins didn't hold the roller in the hair, the rollers got really hot, and the metal center (if you were so lucky as to stick your finger near it) would end up with a roller tossed across the bathroom and me in trouble for cursing.

Plus, my super straight hair really preferred to be super straight, so the electric roller curl only lasted about twenty minutes ( I refused Aqua-net "metal helmut" Spray.)

I remember the first time I found hairspray that let your hair still move, Velcro rollers,and curling irons. I recently found a little gadget that lets you do a french twist on your own hair with only two bobby pins (and the gadget).

So what did I do to my hair this morning? I made it straight, and blonde, and am letting it air dry. Guess I haven't come such a long way after all.

Another Pre-December Gripe Session

It's turned very cold today in Seattle. It is cloudy every day, even the so-called "sunny" days. My son likes it cold, but I've been freezing all day. The fact that he leaves the windows open doesn't help. He said it helps to keep air circulating so mold doesn't grow around the windows from all the rain and humidity.



Christmas is coming quickly, and Thanksgiving even more so. All the kids are coming home Christmas, as is my hubby's mom (although my Seattle son may not be able to come if he has a new job then.) My daughter wrote today to ask what days we are going to have our holiday dinners. I need to get my butt in gear and figure all this out, but right now, all I am doing is dreading dealing with the whole thing. I know that's my typical Scroogie-ness coming out, which it usually does this time of year. Maybe once I get home, I'll be able to wrap my brain around all of this and make some plans. But not right now. No one is coming Thanksgiving except for my daughter and her family. We may just do Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving this year. I can spend more time with them and the baby if I'm not cooking all morning. I don't know why I hate the holidays. I always feel so overwhelmed by them. I always dread the whole season. And I always feel so guilty for feeling like this. You'd think after 52 Christmas days, I'd figure out what my problem is and get in the flow of things, but it seems to get worse every year.

We went to a park today and had fish and chips for lunch, and we bought chowder to bring home for dinner tonight. That's good, because I'm already getting sick of cooking.
Ok, this is sounded like one big bitch session, so I'll stop this post here.

My Not On Ambien Post

I said I wasn't going to write anymore, but I've gotten several emails saying don't stop, so here I am. Thankfully, this time, I am not on Ambien when I write this. I've been taking Ambien for several years, every night, to sleep. All those reports you hear of people eating, driving, having conversations they don't remember are all true. Ambien works great as long as you take it and go straight to bed. It's when you think you can stay up until you get sleepy that you get into trouble. No I haven't driven, or wandered out of the house, but I have had conversations I don't remember the next day, have bought things on Ebay (that arrived and I had no memory of), have sent emails, and now, evidently, have posted to my blog. But like I said, not this post!
When it does happen, it totally freaks me out, and I swear I will never try to stay up again, but will only take it once I'm in bed and the light is out. This time I decided to start trying to wean myself off them altogether.

See, I remembered posting to my blog. I remembered saying that my son in Seattle had lost his job, but I didn't remember anything else. Evidently, the Ambien kicked in during the middle of my post, because it started out sounding rational and then went to hell in a handbasket about 2/3 of the way through.

So, here's the update. I'm in Seattle, visiting my son. I've been here since the 7th. He lost his job about six days into my visit. He's gotten a tentative offer from a guy he used to work with, but it doesn't start until January or so, so right now he's trying to find something until then. I bought groceries and have been making dinner every night to keep him from spending his on eating out. This week we've had meat loaf, burgers, spaghetti, and barbequed chicken. I'm trying not to tell my hubby much about my new interest in cooking because I plan to lose interest quickly once I return home.

I miss hubby, miss home, miss my daughter and her family, and miss my dogs. We had to board them during the first week I was here, because my husband also came to visit for the first week. Then he had to get back to work. He picked them up and kept them at home a few days and then had to board them again for a business trip he leaves on tomorrow. I bet they are really confused and mad at me. They are stuck at pet camp while Mom kicks back and watches Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. (I thought this week was not nearly as good as it has been in the last few weeks.)

My son has a fantastic view. Right now, curled up in the recliner, I see the mountains, trees, a lake, and a cop giving a guy a ticket on the road below. Poor guy.

In the other post, I said I won a writing contest. Biggest payout I've gotten from my writing. Much better than I got from writing for Chicken Soup. My husband has been watching the mailbox for it every day, as I got an email saying it had been mailed this past week. I'll probably just put most of it on paying on credit cards, and the rest back into our savings account for money we used on the trip.

I lost 42 pounds, gained fifteen back, and have lost ten of that back off since I've been here. I think what did it was all the walking and sightseeing we did last week. I'm just glad it's getting back down. I quit the low-carb thing because I was feeling so tired all the time. I think low carb works fine, but I tried to cut out all carbs, and after almost a year of that, I had no energy at all.
Now I just try to eat what I want, but only half a portion, and only at mealtime.

The trees here are turning red and gold. It's really pretty. I didn't bring my camera this time, but my son did take some pics while my hubby was here last week. I'll get those from him and try to post some. I really like Seattle, but it's very expensive to live here.

Coming to Seattle with a Southern accent seems to open the door to a lot of conversations with strangers. The grocery delivery guy talked to me about my trip, the cashier in Target picked up on my accent and wanted to know my opinion of Seattle versus Alabama. (Very different. Although both have a lot of things to do and see, Seattle has a lot more traffic. The houses here are built two feet apart. The McDonald's dollar menu Double cheeseburger costs $1.29. Gas is less. Rent and real estate are MUCH higher. A house here for 200K is a 55K house in Alabama. Our 200K houses in Alabama would run about a half million here. Here voting is done by mail. The postman asks you your name here before he will leave a package, and then looks at you suspiciously anyway. At home, they bring the mail, wish you a good day, pat your dog on the head, and bring in your newspaper, AND you know their name. If I'd asked the guy here for HIS name, I think he would have had me arrested.) Anyway, a Southern accent seems to give people the impression that you are friendly and approachable, which I guess I am, even though I didn't think I was.

Since I stopped working a couple of years ago, I've gotten to be an All My Children addict, especially the last week or so, since they've had the "Tornadoes hit Pine Valley" episodes. You can tell the writers don't know much about tornadoes. For one thing, in Alabama a tornado watch means nothing. You still go get groceries, go visit the neighbors, go to the movies, and kick the weather radio for going off for a stupid WATCH. A warning means you get under something, but only when you hear the silence after the hail and before the train sounds. On AMC, a tornado watch meant the Chief of Police ordered everyone off the roads and back to their homes. If I stayed home for every tornado watch, I'd never get to go anywhere. Anyway, their reaction to the tornadoes only reinforced my husband's name for them, the "Dope Operas." Regardless of his opinion, I can't wait to find out what happens tomorrow. Or to kid him about the fact that even though he's got a name for them, he has recorded and watched AMC the last few days at home.

Well, I guess I'll hang in there with the blogging....

Don't Let Her Have the Keys

If you happened to read the last blog post from last night before I deleted it, and thought I sounded spacey, I was. I took my Ambien and stayed up too late. Everything I said was true but I sounded like a blithering idiot. Sorry about that.

Shopping Touchdowns

I decided to share with you girls some of my shopping finds. I checked and as I post this, it looks like they still have plenty of sizes in stock.
First is this topper from REQ for Sears (Yes, Sears!). It's soooo cute for over dress pants, jeans, whatever! Be sure to take a close up of the pattern. I got mine and I love it. And it's 40% off!


Next is this pair of black pumps from Target.
Just read the reviews. I know I swore I'd never wear heels again, but these are low and stretchy and have a padded innersole. They are sooo much cuter than in the picture. I was so happy when they came. I put them on and wore them around the house for an hour to see if they were comfortable, and they are!

Ok, here's the perfectly priced little black dress. I have some black boots and also the pumps above, and I can throw on the topper, too! I love that it has enough sleeve to cover my fat upper arms! Check out the reviews on this one, too. Everyone loves it.

See, I'm a pretty good shopper. I bought things I could wear for a long time, that would mix and match well. (I was thinking my husband's Christmas party when I bought this black dress).
And no, I don't get paid anything from Target or Sears. I wish! Then I'd have more shopping money!

Catching Up

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I'm feeling so much better, and I've been getting out of the house more.
We went to see my daughter, son-in-law, and the cutest granddaughter the world has ever known last weekend and had a really good time. My son-in-law made this great shrimp boil. Yum.
Today my daughter came by, since she was in town visiting her friend, and we all went out to Applebee's. My husband and I also went to the mall and walked and ran some other errands. I feel like I have all this energy, but I think I'm wearing him out with my new cabin fever. Everytime he sat down today, he fell asleep. He went to sleep at 8PM tonight. So what am I doing? That brings me to my next subject.
I've been shopping. A lot. It all started with me giving most of my clothes to my best friend. I was tired of wearing clothes that hung on me and were two sizes too big. I wanted new ones. So I have been doing a lot of clothes shopping. TJ Maxx, Catherines, Ebay, etc. And what am I doing now? Ordering new skin care and makeup from the Home Shopping Channel. My husband is going to want to trade me in for a cheaper model.
I also dyed my hair. The ash blonde I've been using to cover my gray was making me look washed out. So I colored it with Light Golden Brown, which on my hair turned out Light Golden Reddish-Brown. But I like it.
I got back out my jewelry making stuff and have been doing that. I've been looking at fashion magazines. I've been doing some reading on my Kindle. And I'm getting ready for my trip to Seattle on October 7th for a three week visit with my son. (My husband is coming for a week of that.)
Now for the family. My granddaughter is walking and getting into everything she can find. Her favorite is dragging out her mom's Tupperware from the cabinet. I think I started her Tupperware fetish because I gave her my big wooden salad spoon and a plastic bowl for a drum.
My youngest son got a dog from the humane society where he lives. Cute dog. They had recently spayed her and she still had her stitches. He went out and bought all the standard doggie items (collar, tag, bed, dishes, toys, etc.) and fell in love. Only problem is they didn't tell him that this dog has a tendency to bolt. He came home the second night and as he opened the door, she ran out. He spent days frantically searching for her, posting flyers etc. He finally spotted her out by the dumpster, but every time he tried to get close to her, she'd run into the woods again. This chase game went on until he was certain he'd never catch her. Then today he went out and saw her again in the apartment complex. He said she looked like she'd been in a fight with something and lost. He lured her into the house with dog treats. He said she was in pretty bad shape, very hungry and thirsty. She had a cut on her snout and a cut across her head. He took her to the vet, got her stitches out, had her wormed, given a flea killer pill, and generally checked out. The vet says she will be fine. Now he's just concerned about opening his door, but I think he'll be careful from now on.
My daughter is happy being Mama. She is so good with the baby. We are all just thrilled and feel very blessed to have her here and doing well, since she was born with a congenital defect and was in the NICU for the first few weeks of life.
Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to post more often.

Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

My mom called this morning and said while she was out gardening in her flowers, she leaned too far forward, lost her balance and fell face first in the mud.
Last night, my husband, who ran out of his restless leg med was squirming and keeping me awake. I got my pillow and c-pap machine and headed for the front bedroom. It was dark in the house and I did not know he had put the baby gate up to keep the dog in the kitchen. I fell over it and landed on top of the c-pap unit.
My daughter said my son fell down a few steps on their staircase last week.
I told her to be careful, because we seem to be developing a pattern here. ha

My cellphone rang the other night and it was my granddaughter. She had gotten her mom's cell and redialed the last number called. She played me a melody on the keys and did a lot of interesting jabbering. It was so cute.

We've been watching the Olympics, and if those Chinese gymnasts are 15, then so am I.
I don't know why they let them get by with that, except our government owes their government millions of dollars. As my old boss used to say, He who has the gold makes the rules.

Say a prayer for someone we know named Bob. He is only 52, and has a rare brain disorder. His life expectancy is somewhere between one and ten years. I know he'd be thankful for your prayers.

My Granddaughter Dances!

Still in Outpatient Forest

I'm still in the outpatient program for the depression. I went every day last week but Friday (saw Dr about my glaucoma good report) and this week I go M-W-F.
They finally have me on Wellbutrin SR, Effexor, and Provigil, and I'm feeling better. The clouds are lifting, finally. I'm getting better at going to groups. I actually talk now, some at least. It's hard to believe I've spent most of the last five weeks in the hospital. I no longer feel ashamed of it though. I don't care what people think anymore. I did what I had to in order to survive, and I'm surviving.
I've been meaning to update my blog but everytime I started, I just felt frozen and couldn't think of what to write. So now, I have proof that I'm improving, because at least I'm writing something.

Light Through the Trees

Well, Sunday night my husband took me back to the ER and they put me back in the hospital. I've been inpatient until tonight, and I start the outpatient program tomorrow, will go all next week, and probably the next. I'm on all new medicine, one of which my insurance needs a doctor's override to pay for. We though we might get it anyway, but it cost $529 for a month! No, that's not a typo.
I am feeling better. The depression is lifting.
I also called my mom from there and told her how I felt about her letting my sister quit having anything to do with me, and I felt like I'd been cut out of the family for the last twelve years. She denied it until I reminded her I only see her once a year, and I've never seen any of my sister's seven grandchildren. She said she was going to "fix that." I also asked her if she loved me. She said you know I love you. I said no you never say it. Not my whole life. So she told me she loved me about three times.
Then last night, she and my sister came to visit at the hospital. My sister and I talked and I told her I wanted us to be sister's again. She agreed, and seemed really genuine. Both of them hugged me and told me they loved me.
Well, I have a lot to do tonight before I have to go back to the outpatient program tomorrow, so I'll try to write more over the weekend. Thanks for all the kind comments.

Still in the Woods

I have found out a couple of things that may have contributed to my going downhill so quickly. One-my regular doc put me on Singular three weeks before I went in the hospital (which the hospital immediately took me off) and it has been linked to depression and suicide. Second, my blood pressure was so low in the hospital, they took me off my blood pressure medicine and it's still low. So I didn't need that, and low blood pressure makes you feel crappy.
Plus, I went in the hospital with what I thought was a UTI, which they treated with three weeks of antibiotics. To make a long story short, they are still finding massive amounts of white blood cells in my pee, and want me to see a urologist August 15th. They said it could be a lot of things, but didn't really say what.
Somehow it makes me feel better to know that it wasn't all mental, but some of it was physical, too.
The psych is still trying meds, and I see him again Tuesday. I left the house for the first time today (except for dr appts) and that was to see my dad. I sat down and talked with my step-mom for hours and I cried and she cried. Then I hugged my dad three times and told him I love him twice, and he replied he loved me, too. Then she hugged me and said she loved me, and I told her I love her, too. Then I realized I do love her. I came home and slept all afternoon. My husband has been begging me all week to go out to eat, but I haven't felt like going anywhere. I have no appetite. That visit did me good, though.
I started this blog to be honest, and I've always just put it out there. I write to unload as much as I do for anyone else to read. I feel like shit, ya'll. I'm still in the bottom of the well and no rope they've thrown down yet has worked to get me out.
I had a friend I've written about before who killed herself because of depression. I never understood until this time around. You actually think you feel so low that death would feel better. In your mind, you know that's not rational. I keep telling myself that my therapist said I will pull out of this. She said she's seen worse, and they pulled out. But I have to be patient. So I'm still here, being patient, wandering in the forest.

Wandering in the Same Forest

Seems like it's been forever since I posted. I went to see my therapist on June 24th. I knew I hadn't been myself in quite awhile, but thought I could pull myself out of it. When I saw her that day, after about thirty minutes of her probing questions, I admitted I had some thoughts of suicide occasionally. She called my psychiatrist. Then she asked for my husband's cell phone number. I remember telling her that I was meeting him for lunch at 11:30. I have no idea what time that was then.
The next thing I know he came in, and I burst out into tears. He held me a long time while I cried and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept saying, "It's ok. Don't worry about anything. It's all going to be ok." Then he cried with me.
They sent me to the hospital's behavioral health unit, and I don't remember a lot about how we got there or checking in, except what he told me. I felt like I was sort of disconnected. He said I kept apologizing to everyone.
That was on a Tuesday, and he was allowed to visit Wednesday, and then not again until Saturday. All I did for days was sleep, get up, go to group, go to bed. Sometimes I ate, but mostly I didn't care about eating. I tried to read books he had brought me but ended up reading the same page over and over and gave up. I saw the doctor every day. He changed my meds, re-changed them. I told my husband I didn't want him to tell anyone I was there. I didn't want to worry anyone or see anyone. He did tell my kids and his mom.
I went to the groups unwillingly. It took me awhile to speak in one. The first time I was forced to talk, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room and cried the rest of the afternoon. I don't know what day that was. My husband said I called him crying, but I don't remember that. Just being embarrassed about leaving the room in front of people. I took medicine when they handed it to me, and I stayed in bed a lot.
Now they think they have me on some mixture that will work, but they keep saying I have to give it time. I wish I could say it kicked in and I'm feeling great now, but it hasn't and I don't. I do feel more connected to myself though. Just still very tired.
I finished the outpatient program this week. I begged the doctor not to make me go next week. He said if I could get two appts with the therapist I didn't have to. I did, thanks to my husband making a lot of calls.
I feel numb. I do feel some better than I did. I can read now and concentrate on that. I don't know what else to say. I still feel ashamed of all of this. I now know my labels. I'm "major depressive disorder," and "generalized anxiety." I'm also still wandering in the forest.

Home Again.

I was hospitalized almost two weeks ago for depression/anxiety. I came home yesterday, but have to go back all next week for the out patient program. I'll go in each morning at 8 and come home at 5. I'm doing ok. Just wanted everyone to know why I haven't been posting. Love you all.

Twelve Things

I've been told when it comes to my blog posts, I'm either way up or way down. Today, I'm down, and I don't know what to write. So I'm going to write this entry in a list.

1.) I haven't seen my youngest son in months. He called night before last at 10 PM and said he was on his way to my house. He got here at 5 AM (or he said, as I was asleep). He slept until 8, then I heard his cell ringing. Ten minutes later, his dad pulls up, they load both their motorcycles on a trailer and head off to Florida for a vacation, towing the trailer. He did hug me before he left. He also left me a handful of his publicity photos. That's ok, since I'm his biggest fan. He's a big time DJ with a syndicated show, for those of you who don't know. To me, he's my baby that stays way too busy, and I miss him.

2.) Since Hillary is not going to be our Dem nominee, I am undecided how I will vote. I'm waiting to see who he chooses as a running mate, and who McCain picks.

3.) My husband says I'm down farther than he's seen me. My therapist says I'm down farther than she's seen me. They talked alone this week. My husband came out and told me I can hire a cleaning lady every two weeks, and he's been being very sweet to me. I don't know what she said but I hope she says it often.

4.) His mom is coming for three weeks. She will be here Wednesday. I'm on my second round of antibiotics for a UTI, feel like crap. So needless to say, her visit is not really exciting for me right now.

5.) God saw fit to give me mercy and the family reunion was canceled on it's scheduled date for rain, on its rain date for rain, and it didn't rain either day. So maybe I'm off the hook.

6.) I heard of a writing contest from one of my former editors. No entry fee, just prizes for the winners. She was entering it, and she's the best writer I know, so I thought I'd have not a shot in hell, but before I left for Seattle, I polished up one I had written some time ago and submitted it. They got tens of thousands of entries, I have been told, and mine is number 5 right now. I didn't know until I got an email that said, "We're sure you have realized you're one of the top contenders, so please take some time to submit an avatar." That was the first I had thought of it since early May when I submitted my story. So we'll see. But I do feel honored.

7.) I hate Rush Limbaugh.

8.) I put my white coverlet and seablue dust ruffle on my bed and hung new sheers on the windows. It feels like summer in there.

9.) My book club is reading The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George. I got it in the mail yesterday. It's ginormous. It makes Pillars of the Earth look skinny. It better be good.

10.) I have to get another cellphone. I can't read the screen on this one anymore, even with new glasses.

11.) My youngest son came in on his visit, looked at me and said, Geez, You've got hippie hair. (Huh?) Then he said I look like Lisa Loeb with my new glasses. I had no idea who Lisa Loeb was. I looked her up. She looks ok to me, so i guess it was a compliment, but the hippie hair I'm not too sure of.

12.) It's 9 AM. I've been up for an hour. I'm going back to bed.

A Day in the Life

Night before: Check calendar book in purse and feel relieved that I don't have to leave the house until Wednesday for a therapist appointment, so I have another day at home.
6:45, Wake up, Go look. Husband has already left for work. Both dogs are up, which means he gave them their morning medicine. I grab a Coke Zero and head for the recliner in my nightgown. I sit in a daze, sipping, waiting for my caffeine to kick in.
7:00 Flip on tv, for the noise. Browse once again to see that there is nothing on I want to see. Check email. Usually forty something emails that mean nothing. Some book club chat, some classified message board posts that I subscribe to and never buy from. If I'm lucky, there's a comment from my blog or an actual real email from someone I know.
8:30 After wasting an hour and a half cruising the internet mindlessly, I get up to take my own medicine and get another Coke Zero. If I have low carb popsicles in the freezer, I'll have one for breakfast. If not, I'll skip it. Take medicine. Put on something comfortable. Play with dogs, one who is jumping and licking my face, one who is sitting totally frozen allowing me to stroke his back gently before slinking back into his bed under the coffee table.
10:00 Watch the View. Listen to the Hot Topics part, turn it off during the movie star interviews.
10:45 Realize I really should eat something, since I took medicine on an empty stomach. Go look in frig. Nothing in there I want. Grab an handful of almonds and go back to get another Coke Zero.
11:00 Look at house and think of the cleaning I need to do. Then I think of how I did all the laundry on Friday, so I am not a completely lazy bum, and maybe the dust can wait another day. Look at the counter in my husband's bathroom and how much it needs cleaning. Cuss because it's too covered with his junk. Realize it would take me thirty minutes to clean it off in order to get to the actually cleaning part. Think of putting it all in a garbage bag for emphasis. Decide to just forget it. Go back to recliner.
12:00 All My Children- Highlight of my day now.
1:00 Starting to feel very sleepy, since doc has me back on allergy medicine. Decide a nap is a great idea. Go back to bed. Sleep until 3:30 or so.
3:30 Stare into freezer and refrigerator for possible things to cook for dinner. Everything I think of sounds like too much work. I should cook. Decide I'll sit down and think it over. Have the "I should cook, but I don't want to" argument with myself. Get another Coke Zero.
4:00 Call husband at work. Tell him to bring home supper. I don't care what. I'm not hungry anyway. Whatever you want is fine (as long as I don't have to cook it.)
4:30 Play with dogs. Flip on tv, nothing on. Check email. Same story as this morning.
Pick up book. Read until husband comes home. Get another Coke Zero.
5:45 Get up, spend fifteen minutes tidying living room and kitchen. Hang up clothes in bedroom.
6:00 Husband comes home. Eat whatever he brought. Realize I'm reallllly hungry. Have dinner with another Coke Zero.
6:30 He flips through the channels, looks at what is due to be Tivo'd tonight, nothing I want to watch. So he watches the History channel or Star-something (Battlestar, Star Trek, Stargate, as long as there's a star name in it.) I read and pet dogs and sometimes blog.
10:00 He starts falling asleep on couch. I get up and take Ambien with another Coke Zero.
10:30 I let the dogs out, bring them back in, tuck them into their beds, and wake him up to go to bed. Then I check calendar to make sure I don't have anywhere to go the next day. If I do, and it's optional, I think of an excuse to cancel. If it's the therapist, I show up.
If I'm lucky, the phone won't ring all day. If I'm lucky and the phone does ring, it will be one of my kids or my husband, or my friend, Dawn.
11:00 Before I go to sleep, I decide tomorrow I will eat better, clean the house, and stay out of the recliner.
Next day, same thing. And I'm content with this life. So..there ya go.

New Little Peanut

I saw the therapist twice last week. I see her once this week, with my husband going along. She wants his opinion on how things are going. I guess she doesn't believe me when I say "fine" anymore.
I have been feeling the empty nest so much lately. My son moved to Seattle, my daughter moved an hour farther away and my little doggie died at about the same time. Our other little dog, Boo, has been missing his pal and looks for him around the house. I decided I needed a new baby, some baby that also needed me.

I called a lady that owns a local rescue shelter. She had a Pomeranian/Chihuahua mix that she had gotten from a shelter in South Alabama on his "last day." He came to the shelter with a huge purple bruise on his neck, underweight, and infested with fleas. She got him shaved down, got rid of the fleas, got him on a good dry dog food, and found out he has low thyroid and needed thyroid meds. His main problem was fear. He was desperately afraid of everything and everyone. I went to get him on Thursday, took him to our vet and got him registered there. We've been giving him his thyroid medicine, and a lot of petting. He will not come to us, but if we gently pick him up, he will sit in my lap and let me pet him for a long time, but he never relaxes, lays down or puts his head down on me. He spends most of his day in his bed.

My daughter and son-in-law came by with the baby Saturday, and this little pup, Peanut, seemed to take more interest in being out and walking around while they were here. He is eating tons of dog food, and hopefully is gaining weight. He will be beautiful when his hair grows back. I could kill whoever abused this little guy. He weighs 5.2 lbs, but should be closer to 6.5-7 when he gets up to normal weight.
I ordered both of the dogs a little vest so that I can walk them without any pain to the neck area. I saw it on QVC and it's really cute. Be sure to watch the video.

My daughter was trying to figure out a way to take the baby and go with me to Seattle in October, but figuring out working her flight schedule around her brother's work schedule and car seats, etc. got her discouraged. Also, I told her I couldn't take him to work and drive his truck to pick her up. Seattle traffic is unreal. He had a wreck just driving on the interstate his first month there. It seems like all airlines and cab companies should provide infant seats when needed. Anyway, I really wish she could have come with me.

They took the baby out in the boat this weekend. She's so cute, with five teeth now!

My step-daughter mentioned a month or so ago, that she'd like to get together with her dad for Father's Day. She asked what we would like to do. We offered to pick them up and go to a movie and lunch. Then the night before, she canceled with some vague excuse about errands to run that they had been "procrastinating" about. He was so hurt, he got choked up talking about it. Then he got angry. I just felt so sorry for him. He said he had no family except for my kids, me, and his mom. And he's such a good man to all of us. I sent a card and called my dad. He sent a card and called his, even though his dad walked out on him and his mom when he was little. I suggested we go to eat and go to a movie anyway, so we did. We saw The Happening. It was "Eh, so-so."

My Granddaughter's First Birthday Cake

Break a Leg?

My worst nightmare is having a social situation coming up I know I have to attend. My granddaughter just had her first birthday. My daughter had a big birthday party with a lot of my son-in-law's family, her friends, her father and his new wife, and my husband and me. So right away I have two reasons to freak- 1) being around a large group of people I don't know well and 2) sitting for hours with my ex and his wife.
So my two choices that I saw were 1) be the wicked witch of all grandmothers and not go to my granddaughter's birthday, or 2) take two Valium, leave my house, and attend.

The party was yesterday, Saturday, and my angst had been building all week. I'm just seeing the therapist every two weeks now, and this was not her week. Friday morning I woke up, after having terrible nightmares, and I was walking the floors freaking. I called to see if I could get in with the therapist only to find out they are closed on Fridays (the one time I've ever called because I actually needed to talk to her, and they are closed!) so then I freaked even more. I called my friend, Dawn, and she said she was having a bad day, too, so let's go to lunch. We did and she talked me down to something near sane.

Of course, no matter how stupid this sounds, I wanted to look good because my stupid ex was going to be there. No matter how long you've been divorced and how much you hate the SOB, you want him to still see what he let get away because he's such an a-hole. I did my hair, bought a new outfit, did my makeup, and off we went.

My friend, Dawn, called me on the way to say she was praying for me. I told her thanks, I needed all the help I could get, prayers were welcomed and I also had an Ativan in my purse as a backup plan B.

Well, we were the first to arrive, so we were able to secure a place of comfort on the couch as the others wandered in. I had no idea the ex and his wife had arrived until I walked right up on them when I went to see my granddaughter in her high chair. I hadn't gotten a close up view of his new wife in, well, never I guess. I'm fat, but she's fatter. My ex had gotten very, very fat with a solid grey beard, so I felt a great sigh of relief and more appreciation of my husband. But then a strange thing happened.

My ex and his wife took their place on a couch off to the side, and it's obvious they know NO ONE AT ALL. They barely know their son-in-law, don't know any of his family, any of their daughter's friends, and very little about their daughter. They looked pitiful sitting there, and I felt sorry for them. So, I went over and sat down and started talking to them. They looked surprised but immediately looked relieved that someone they knew (whether or not they liked me was irrelevant) was talking to them.

We talked about the kids, the grandbaby, our parents, the weather, vacations, and anything else we could think of. I even got up and got them drinks. Then after holding the grandbaby for awhile, I took her over and asked if they would like to hold her. His wife took her and they both ooohed and awwwwed over her.

My husband sat by me on the couch for moral support. I got through it. I came home, and I immediately fell asleep at 6:30 on the couch. I slept until bedtime and my husband woke me up to go to bed. As he covered me up, he said, "His wife looks so much older than you do." I smiled. Then I slept until 9 AM, which I never do. It wiped me out because it was such an emotional drain, but I did it, and I was very proud of myself for accomplishing it.

My friend, Dawn, said the dreading it is always worse than the actual thing you dread. I don't know if that was true in this case. She also said she had thought that if I had broken a leg, that I would have had a third option on attending, but she didn't want to mention that to me, for fear I'd find a way. I told her I had already seriously considered that option, since the "I'm sick" had been way overused in the past.

Next weekend is my father's family reunion. I don't know that I will go to that. I feel it's a little more optional than this event was. I wouldn't have to have a broken leg to skip it.

Sex, Reading, and Resting

My husband went with me to see Sex and the City. I would give it a C. To me, it was obviously written by men. I can't say more without giving away the plot. Let's just say that I believe women have VERY long memories. Don't you agree? And why doesn't Sarah Jessica Parker have that mole taken off her face? It's not like she can't afford it.
I finished two books that were REAL books, not ebooks. I debated with myself about whether to buy them, but they sounded like something I would like. Cold Rock River and Roseflower Creek, both by J. L. Miles. They are now at the top of my favorite books of all time list.
I finished reading Manic, about a woman's life with manic depression. It was good, not great, but good. Worth the read.
My counselor told me last Tuesday that I need to take off two weeks. Take off from what? Life. She said I need two weeks to nurture myself and build up my low ego strength because I'm too low. She said I need a good cry, too. I can't cry and I have too many obligations this week and next to "take off and nurture myself." She seems to think I'm heading for a brick wall. I'm too tired to think about it.
My mother-in-law is coming the end of June. My step-daughter wrote us and we are both convinced she is on drugs.
I have another sinus infection. Great. I think this is my tenth round of antibiotics for sinuses since Christmas. I feel achy all over like the flu, but I know that can't be from sinuses.
Next books on my list to read: Clay's Quilt by Silas House and The Friday Night Knitting Club (for my bookclub) by somebody I forgot her name. I started The River Wife for the book club and it sucked rocks so I quit it in the middle.
I highlighted my hair and got it trimmed. I decided I like my glasses. It took me awhile to reach a final decision.
That's about it. It's been a boring weekend, pretty much.