Analysis Paralysis?

I had a great session with the therapist today. My husband came along for the first time. She began by discussing different aspects of my personality with him, my need for space, privacy, alone time. He said he just is beginning to realize that I'm not mad at him when I do that. He said in his first marriage, when she "went off by herself" it meant she was mad at him or he was in the doghouse for something. He said that is why he "checked in" with me so often when I went into another room to read or whatever, because he thought I was angry. And all this time I was afraid to explain to him that sometimes I just want to be alone, because I was worried about hurting his feelings. It's silly the things we "assume". Anyway, it cleared things up for both of us. He said he felt he understood me much better from that session. He really is a great guy.

I've been sticking faithfully to the low sodium diet this week, and I'm doing much better with the Meniere's. It's been really enlightening to me to hear from others who have this disease and what their experience has been. Most of the time, hearing how it has affected their lives makes me feel very fortunate that I found a doctor who is willing to give me ongoing meds for the vertigo and to recognize how the low sodium diet helps in most cases. It hasn't been easy to stick to this, but I have finally figured out if I don't, I pay for it the next day with the vertigo coming back. So I just have to accept that this will be a part of my life from now on.

I have felt bad to go into a restaurant and have to order my food prepared differently from other people's, because I felt like I was being too much trouble. Then I realized that it's because I don't want others to consider me a bother, because God forbid! they might not LIKE me. And of course, that has been a driving force for a lot of my fears. So I've decided I have to be an adult about this, ask for what I need, and not worry about what others think.

I've been reading about life transitions. I had to list the ages I was when major changes or endings occurred in my life, and then do that for my parents. I realized that many of my major life transitions occurred in my life and my mother's life at the same ages. Not sure the significance of it, but it was very interesting. The book seems to assert that there is a correlation, just as many people go through a major refocusing period when they reach the age when a parent died, etc. I know my experiences haven't been timed to correspond with my mother's consciously. Anyway, the book is very interesting.

The therapist asked me how often I felt I was being truthful about my feelings with others. I said it totally depends on who it is. With my mother, everything I say is pretty much an act, because I have been conditioned to hide my feelings with her, to not bring up subjects that she doesn't discuss, and to keep things very superficial. She doesn't know when she hurts me, or that I've been angry with her at times. I don't blame her for the things that happened to me growing up. I think she, like all mothers, did the best she could with what she knew. She tells my grandmother never showed much emotion either, hid her feelings well, etc. So she probably grew up with much of the same experiences I had, but not all. I pray I have not taught my children not to feel or express their emotions. When you get disconnected from them, it's very difficult to reconnect.

My son told me that he keeps his room so crowded with things because it makes me uncomfortable to be in a wide open space. I immediately realized that as he was growing up, his dad was so verbally abusive to him, that the only time he felt safe was when he was holed up in his room. I don't think he realizes where the feeling comes from though, or where his anger comes from. I think a lot of his anger I caused, and a lot of it comes from his father. I wish I could have protected him better, left the situation sooner. I can truthfully say though, that I left as soon as I had the strength to do it. But this is just another example of how it is very difficult to know where behaviors came from in our own lives, but much easier to pinpoint in others.

I still don't understand why when I see someone upset, like someone on Starting Over or like when I watched the movie Sybil, I cry. I know it brings up something for me. I just don't know what.

All in all, it's been a very interesting day. I know I tend to over analzye things. I just hope I'm not getting analysis paralysis. Smile.