December Out of Town

Even though i have been fighting depression a long time, and have had many frightening times when the thought of how much of a relief death would be, nothing scares me more than when you find out your child is depressed. I used to blame myself. Of course he got this from me, since I'm the obvious nutjob in the family, right? But since I began to speak out more openly about it, others in the family have begun to come forward on both sides of my childrens family to say they have fought this dragon too, so i dont feel quite as much that some odd gene in me caused a curse on my child. I have one son who has depression, and he has been on meds and under control for many years, but they stopped working, and I'vee been in a battle with the doctor to get him an appt sooner than January. He saw the doctor today, and we now have hope through new meds. I am staying with him right now, as he called me last week and said he didnt think he should be alone. He didnt have to esplain that to me as i knew exactly what he meant. So i am here until i am convinced he is ok. My sis sent me two texts checking on him and i replied and added i love you, sis at the end. She does not reply to that part. But you know, i feel great saying it regardless. Im tired of pretending i dont care about people who hurt me. I do care or it would not hurt. Well, i seem to be sleeping a lot. My son has gone back to work, so i am going to get. Much needed nap.

It Went Better Than Expected

I realized when I arrived where I was supposed to meet her that I had no idea what kind of car she drove nor did she know mine. But soon, we figured out who each other were. She started talking like we had no break whatsoever in communication and that she had a long conversation with me yesterday instead of fifteen years ago. She was pleasant, and we did a lot of talking about "Do you remember" things from our past. One of the things I have realized forever is I hate Christmas, always have as long as I can remember, pre-yearly mother-in-law visits, pre- friend's Christmas suicide, just always a feeling of dread at the very mention of Christmas. In therapy, we discussed this, and I can remember Easters, Birthdays, Valentines Days, etc. from my years from nine and under (when my parents split up) but nothing, nada about Christmas. I told the therapist I really wanted to figure this out, because it is a big peeve with my husband that anyone could hate Christmas. So since my sister is four years older, I figured maybe she would remember more. She did. She said that on Christmas morning, we would get up, Mama would make us eat breakfast, get dressed, and then we'd go into the living room and unwrap our presents. However, we were not allowed to open the boxes/packages. All the paper was cleared away, and Mama stacked them on our beds. Then we went next door to my paternal grandmother's house. We were not allowed to take any presents over there, because Mama said there would be too many children and we would lose or tear them up. So we went over there and according to my sister, my grandmother had cooked for days and days. (She had ten children including my dad). They had a small house, but they would set up saw horses and plywood and make one huge long table down the middle of the dining room and living room, and everyone would come eat. I said how many people? She said well, there were twenty two adults, and then all their children, and you were probably the youngest one. She remembered this because none of the older kids wanted to play with me, so I pretty much sat there. She said Daddy would not let us go back next door home, and we stayed all day. She said I would get tired and cranky and by the time we went home, late in the day, I'd end up going straight to bed. She said then when we finally did get into our presents, Mama and Daddy would fight about how much money she spent. She said I never understood this, because I didn't see how she had to spend any since Santa brought them. So that was our Christmas. And once I said I didn't want to go, and got a spanking before we ever left for talking back. For the longest time I have had this recurring nightmare. I'm on a cruise ship or in a mall or in a house, and it is just packed wall to wall with people, and I can't find my stuff. I have no money, no phone, no way to call anyone, and I am separated from everyone I know. So I wonder how much of that dream has always had to do with Christmas. Anyway, my sister told me about some other things I didn't remember and really didn't want to, but she left out the parts where she used to torment me. I never brought up our "being on a break" for fifteen years. She was polite to me all day, except for one comment when we were at my dad's. Her cell phone kept ringing, and my step mom asked if she always kept that with her. She said oh yes, because mama hates it when I go off somewhere and forget it and she has to answer it. I said, "Yeah, I guess Mama's not used to it, because she doesn't even have one." "Yes, she does now," she said, "She just doesn't want you to have the number." Then she kept right on talking to my step mom like she hadn't said anything. I doubt it's true, because anyone who knows me knows I HATE talking on the phone, rarely answer it unless it is one of the kids, so I don't know why she would mind me having it. I know the therapist is going to say I should have gone back to that but I didn't. I also didn't scream or cry or have a bad day, so I think all in all it went ok. I'm in no hurry to see her again, but I am glad to know that we can at least be comfortable around each other for a few hours. Daddy's Alzheimer's is getting worse. He kept asking about me, and how was Kathy? And I was sitting there talking to him. When we got ready to leave, I hugged him and said, I love you Daddy. And he looked at me and said, I love you too Baby Doll. Which is what he always called me when I was little. So maybe somewhere he knows me. Well, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to go to the chiro in the morning, then go by Best Buy and try to talk my husband into buying us two iphones on sprint. Then we pick up his daughter for lunch and to take her to the courthouse to get her a non-driver's ID. She's moving to Texas in December with a guy she met on the internet. Her husband is giving her 1000 dollars traveling money, according to her, and wishing her well. Truth is stranger than fiction. Always.

It's Been a Long Time

I decided to start blogging again, or at least make a good attempt. So much time has gone by and I haven't really caught anyone up on what's going on in my life, so this may be a long post. I have had a bad year as far as the depression. For so many years, I have been taking the same antidepressant, and I guess it just stopped working. As it usually happens, I don't notice it all at once. It seems to creep up on me. For the last several months, I have done my best to never leave the house unless it's to go out to eat with my husband, which we have done less and less. It's to the point now, he does most of the errands, grocery shopping, etc. The doctor has changed my meds and done some adjustments, plus is looking into some type of new blue full spectrum light that he wants me to try to see if this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm still in weekly therapy, same therapist. Of course, my mother-in-law is coming again this year, but only for one week. We did have a bit of drama, as my daughter and I had decided, for several reasons (1. youngest son flying into her city because it's less on airfare 2. she won't have to get the kids out for a long car trip 3. She has three times the space in her house that we have here.) Anyway, it made sense to us. We had to drive up there anyway to pick up my son and his girlfriend, so we thought we'd just go on Christmas eve morning, open gifts, have lunch, visit awhile, and then come home in the afternoon. My husband agreed it was a great idea, and mentioned it to his mom during his weekly call to her and her reply was...."Well if I'd known you were going to do that, I wouldn't have bought a ticket to come." After some emails, calls, pleads, all he or I can get out of her is that she doesn't feel a part of things, no specifics. I wrote her a long letter and got one back, with no specifics but just some comments that "we will go" and "she will be fine." Anyway, now my husband, who is an only child and the only family she has (since she doesn't really seem to want to claim us, even though we're trying to claim her) is going to worry all day about whether or not she's happy. Of course, in therapy, I've dealt with this, that I've done what I can, I don't have to make everything ok for everyone, it's her choice whether she's happy or not...etc. I did ask my husband directly have I or my kids ever said or done anything to her to make her feel unwelcome, and his reply was no, we are all friendly and kind to her. So...who knows. My mom was supposed to come this year at Thanksgiving. That's the only time of the year I see her, and she missed last year. Well I hurt my back the week before Thanksgiving, and so she called to tell me I should not have it this year. I told her the kids really wanted to see each other, I wanted to see them, and the grandkids, and that we were going to get a dinner box from the Cracker Barrel so I would have very little to do to prepare, so it would be fine. She then said a few things that sort of gave me the feeling she just didn't want to come. My mom is in her 80's, and it's an hour's drive, so I told her if she didn't want to come, she didn't have to, but we all really would like to see her. Then she said well, she might not come this year. I said ok, well if you don't feel like it, I understand. After a little more talk, she said she needed to go, because she had dinner in the oven to take over to my sister's house, because their family was having their big Thanksgiving celebration that evening a week early because of schedules. I got off the phone, and called my daughter on Facetime (our new way to talk) and while I was talking to her, I broke down. I cried and cried. She said she'd like to call her grandmother and talk to her, and I said no. I didn't want her to get in the middle of that mess. The next day I saw my therapist, and she said I should have told my mom how I felt, or let my daughter call and at least let her know that I was upset. She continues to tell me I don't give myself value and that I treat myself as a non-person, like I don't matter. The example she always uses, and my children agree to, is that the only time I've pitched a fit and stood up to someone it was because someone did something to my children. Not to me. So, my daughter called and told her I was upset, and that she knew Mom lives close to my sister, and that they are close, but that they treat me like I'm not part of the family, I don't feel welcome to come there, I'm never invited, and it's like I don't matter. She said this thing with my sister and I not talking has gone on so long no one even knows what it's about anymore, and that when my mom passes away there will never be any contact at all, and that's not right. And that it's not up to Mom to try to heal it. We need to do that ourselves. My mom said my sister is not mad, there is no problem, etc. So my daughter said my sister needs to call and tell me that, or at least talk to me about it. Well, the next morning, I got a call and it had my sister's name on the caller ID. I can't tell you how bad my heart was pounding. It ended up being my mom to say she had decided maybe she'd come for Thanksgiving after all, and could she bring the deviled eggs. I swear, that was our conversation. She came, and we had a nice day. My granddaughter was trying to figure out who my mom was, and she said "Did you met me before?" (She's four.) I tried to explain that this is your mama, and I'm her mama and this is my mama. She said oh. Can I call her Nana? And that's what we all agreed on. (I'm Granny). My mom said your sister said she'd like to have you ride with her sometime to go out and see your dad (My dad has Alzheimers) and it's a long way to drive by yourself (it is), so would I like to do that sometime? I have not seen my sister alone without Mama dragging her somewhere to appease me, in almost fifteen years. So I said sure, have her call me. She called....it went like this.... "Mama said you want to go with me to Daddy's." "Yes, I would." "Well, the only day I can go is Thursday." I said "Thursday is fine with me." "Well, you'd have to meet me halfway." (We come from different directions.) I said I can do that. "Well I have to go early. What time do you get up?" "I can be there whenever you want me to." "Well then meet me at 8:30." "Ok." Then she said, "I can't stay too long. I have to get back to pick up the grandkids at school." "That's fine. We can leave when you are ready." "Ok, then. See you then. Bye." My therapist said I will have her to myself for an hour in the car from where we meet to my father's house, without my mom as a buffer. And we have to talk. That I have to deal with my core issue, which is the break in our relationship. In my birth family, you don't discuss feelings, or problems. YOu pretend they don't exist. But the therapist said that's their rules, and I don't have to play by those. In the past, she has really used every opportunity to put me down, and I always got my feelings hurt and kept quiet about it. She is good at jabs that hit below the belt. It happened so much in our younger years that I never noticed she did it until other people kept asking me why she does that? So the first thing the therapist said is that I don't have to take that anymore. I can choose to address it, or even just to say, "Why would you say that to me. That hurts my feelings." I told the therapist there is a part of me that is scared to death of her. And part of me, I guess the part that has benefited from this therapy, that is ready for this. She said we need to discuss what we want from our relationship as sisters, if anything. She asked me what I wanted. I said to have peace, to be able to talk now and then, and not dread having to do it, to be in the room with each other, without feeling the tension, to feel welcome at each other's homes and in each other's lives, but not feel like we have to be best buddies and see each other often. The therapist's office called me back yesterday to ask if I could come in this afternoon again, because she had a cancellation. I guess she thinks I needa little more preparation. ha. And she's right. I'm not an assertive person, and while I'm trying to learn to be (that was my 2011 new years resolution), I've got a long way to go. But, tomorrow morning, as we sometimes say when we're feeling very much like Southerner's....the sh*t will hit the fan. And I dread it. But I have to deal with this core issue once and for all.....(guess who told me that. ha) So I'll let you know what happens. I have missed all of you, my readers. I tried Facebook, but I get too lost in all the messages to be able to keep up. So feel free to comment. I opened this blog up as public. I don't know that I will keep it that way, but for now, I have.

Sick but Sane?

My last blog post, which I deleted, I wrote after taking my Ambien..and it was weirrrrrrrd. I should have learned by now to take that crap AFTER I'm in bed. But you think you're ok. Then you wake up and find out you've blogged something weird, or bought something online you didn't need, or written an email you don't remember. Good stuff for sleep, bad stuff for sanity. ha. Unfortunately, I don't sleep without it. I know. I've tried. Anyway, I apologize for that last post.
I've had pneumonia, but I think I'm a lot better. I have cabin fever so decided I just really needed to get dressed and get out of here for awhile. I went down to the thrift store, and started feeling really sick/weak. So I turned around and came back home. I'm not running fever anymore, and I can breathe better, so I know I just have to be patient, but I'm definitely better.
My step-daughter's husband has been emailing me, and I've decided he's maybe a little past eccentric. Some of his rants are reallllly strange. (Look who's talking. ha!) Plus his moods seem to be all over the place. He doesn't seem like dangerous weird, but I bet he's a challenge for her to live with. He goes from the depths of depression to a kind of ranting mania to being really angry with everyone and everything. Sometimes he gets so bad, he makes no sense. I haven't told my husband a lot about the emails, as there is nothing they will let him do (but send money) and I don't want him to worry himself to death about her. He's been under a lot of stress lately with work, and now the doctor said his blood pressure is up, even with the medicine for it. So he doesn't need me to add to it.
One of my nieces posts often on FB, and her favorite word is "torture." (Why do I torture myself, etc.) Only she spells it torcher, and it drives me nuts. She's done that several times, and I thought about just sending her a message and telling her nicely that you spell it T-O-R-T-U-R-E, but I'm just too afraid I'd embarrass her. I'm not perfect with my spelling either, so I'm not sure why it bugs me so much, but it does.
We have a cruise planned in May, and I wish it was May already. I need a vacation away from here. I'm really looking forward to it.
My son bought me a computer picture frame for Christmas, and I've been enjoying it for the last couple of days, since I figured out how to load the pictures on it. Now if I need a smile, I just look at the grandkids' pictures. I think it's a great invention. :)

Family Gossip

My youngest son, who broke up with his girlfriend, Katie, because he is taking a job in Chicago, and gave me the big talk about how he didn't love her and he didn't want a long distance relationship, and it was better if they end it, etc. etc, called yesterday...

Hi Mom, I'm coming to see you.
When?
In...about five minutes. (Since he lives in Arkansas that was a shocker.)
Ok, I'm here!
I have you on speaker, so say hi to Katie.

When they got here, I started talking to him about his moving plans, and he said, "Oh yeah, Katie's moving up there with me."

Of course, I can't ask a lot of questions with Katie sitting there, but I did get that she only has one semester of school left, and she's already applied at the University up there to transfer and finish out there. And they've rented an apartment...and her parents are happy for them.

I sure hope he knows what he's doing.

The other news is my mom called back to talk to me about going to see my dad, and I told her I hadn't been this week because I have this cold. She said well you know you really need to go see him. I said well, he and my stepmom go places all the time. He could come here to see me, and as far as that goes, you could come to see me too. I haven't seen you since Thanksgiving 2009. Long silence. Maybe she won't be on me to go see my dad now.

All the Latest in February in Alabama

Hmm...News....Let's see...It's even harder not living close to the grandkids now that there are two of them! Ben is growing so fast. Claire does call me on the phone or we talk on Skype pretty often. She was sitting at her desk talking to me on Skype the other day and she leaned into the camera and said, "I gotta potty Granny- You stay right there." :-)
Bruce got me a big box of chocolates, a card, and a balloon. That was nice. He had left them on the counter when he left really early for work. When I got up, I walked around in the kitchen for an hour before I noticed this box of candy with a huge balloon tied to it. Gives much more meaning to "I'm still half asleep."
I'm still drawing some. I've been addicted to thrift store shopping lately. We have another cruise planned in May and I want some new summer clothes for that. I cleaned out my closet, which was a major job, and got rid of four trash bags full of clothes that neither I nor Bruce could wear anymore. Put them on Craigslist for free and they went quickly.
My mom called to tell me my sister and her husband drove out to see my dad, and he was asking about me. She said I need to go. I planned to go yesterday, but then I came down with this yucky cold. I don't want to give this to anyone else. Almost made it all winter without a cold. I'm lucky that I don't get sick often, but when I do, it's usually a doozie.
I went back to therapy last week. Hadn't been since October. She said the depression is so much better (and the doctor agrees) and that we need to start working on some issues "that we couldnt' work on when you were depressed." That sounds lovely. ha. She also had me buy this book called Better Boundaries and start journaling again. Hey I wonder if blogging counts. I doubt it. But I do pretty much write on here what I would write in there.
My cleaning lady told me this week she hates the picture over my sofa because it looks very 80's. I said well that's when I bought it. I've had it since my kids were little. So now I keep wondering if I should take it down, or paint over it. It's a very large picture. Shouldn't waste a perfectly good frame. Maybe I'll paint over it. A little Jackson Pollack. :)
When she comes to clean, if I'm home, she talks to me...a LOT. Takes her twice as long to get done. I usually try to go somewhere because the exterminator was coming for his monthly visit, and the poop lady was coming. So I had to be here to pay them. She talked and talked and talked, and then told me she felt it was so easy to talk to me because I'm such a good listener. I figured out that people must like the deer in the headlights look, followed by silence. I thought I just was being quiet because I didn't have anything to say, or a chance to get a word in if I did, but evidently I'm a great listener and so understanding and easy to talk to. Go figure.
Well, nothing else happening.

Facebook Breakups

No one told me when I made a Facebook account.....

My son brings home a girl for Christmas...I add her as a friend.....He breaks up with her today.....I get to read all the "is it true that time heals all wounds" posts she is making. My daughter said we should write and tell her she's probably better off. ha. I just feel bad for her. I liked her!


I'm in Nashville having fun with the grandkids. My poor husband is at home, and water is out all over the city. (I didn't know water could go out.) He said barely a few drops coming from the tap. He said when he went to bed, the news said they would have the problem fixed by morning. When he woke up this morning, they said by tonight. We have a water cooler with spring water, so at least he (and the dogs) have some water. Anyway, I thought about them when I took my nice warm shower this morning. :)

This one is for Amy

I said I'd post more often--that is true, but I do have a good excuse. My dear loving mother-in-law that can't stand me is here visiting. She's been here nine days and I have one more to go. Now for the good news. We have a grandson, Benjamin Robert Williams, born Dec 28 and weighing 8 lbs 7 oz. Despite a little scare when the nurses thought he was not peeing and freaked us all out, he peed and pleased us all, so we relaxed. He's precious and adorable. Aren't those typical grandmother words?
I've had Claire, my granddaughter visiting, and we've had a lot of fun together. She got to sleep with me, and her dark conversations are so cute. For instance, this morning she woke up before the sun came up. She wiggled and grunted and finally, when none of that seemed to rouse me, she kicked me. I leaned up and looked at her, and she said, "Granny, I'm AWAKE!" I said, "Well Granny's sleepy and it's not daytime yet so why don't we sleep a little longer?" I got a big sigh, and then a resigning, "Ok..." We slept for about thirty more minutes and then she said, "Granny, I'm awake AGAIN!" ha.
We went to Chucky Cheese and she loved that. She has really kept me entertained for the last few days. She sang me Christmas carols. She taught me all about the cool kid sites on the computer, and I now know all the cartoon characters names.
Last night, she was in the tub, and I mentioned that Granny's bathtub has bubbles. After she was done, dry, and dressed, she decided she wanted to see the bubbles. I filled the tub back up and she peered over in there while I turned on the whirlpool. The noise scared her and she ran out of the bathroom and said Hurry Granny, get out of there! :)
We had a nice Christmas, but two of my kids could not come home. Cindy of course, was very pregnant and could not travel, and David had the flu. However, Chris and his girlfriend (Ok, he says she's not, just a girl he sees naked, his words not mine) came from Arkansas. I really like her and wish she was his girlfriend, but of course he would never want someone mom picked.
My daughter got me a gift card from Amazon and I found out my favorite author has a new book coming out, so I ordered it and can't wait to get it! I loved her Cold Rock River. This one is called All That's True.All That's True
I'm still drawing. Taking a class online at www.drawingtutorialsonline.com. I'm having a lot of fun with it. I'm going back up to my daughter's in Nashville on Monday to stay with her a few days. I'm looking forward to seeing the grandbabies again. That's all the news around here. Mother in law leaves TOMORROW!

Family Gossip

When I got divorced, my sister told me that I was going to ruin my kid's lives and they would be screwed up adults. Well, they aren't. They are all doing fine. On the other hand, here is a report on my sister's kids...
Oldest son- Having an affair with a waitress, wants a divorce from his wife but still wants to control her household. Was putting money in her account to pay household bills each month, since he hasn't actually filed for divorce yet, but this month all her checks bounced because he didn't put it in there and didn't tell her. The waitress is a foul-mouthed hussy, but I guess that's his new type. He has two gorgeous little boys and his wife is so nice.
Middle child-daughter. She has a cookbook out and seems to be prospering in her new career as a cooking celebrity. She has the filthiest house you've ever seen, only cleans it when she knows they will be there to take pictures. Her dad said if the police were ever called out there, they would take her kids. She loves to cook, but never washes a dish. My mom went over and there were dirty dishes in both sinks, covering the counters and stashed in the oven. She also got an order this week for four cookbooks, spent the money and then had her mom pay for them to send. She once ran up eight credit cards, didnt' want to tell her husband, so her mom paid them off. She promptly ran them all up again.
Youngest daughter- Pregnant four times, has two kids, different dads, was not married to either of them. Was married once for two weeks to a guy she met on a plane and got engaged to by mail because they had never spent but two hours together in person. Got involved with a guy recently, but when he switched girlfriends, she harrassed the new girlfriend to the point that the girl filed suit and had her arrested for threatening her and riding circles in her driveway. But it worked out because she started dating the deputy who arrested her, so they dropped the charges saying there was not enough evidence. The new girlfriend called her place of employment to tell them of her arrest, and when her boss asked her about it, she cussed him out and now has a job with a different company. She is a registered nurse and her mom pays her bills because she's always broke.

I never see these people, but my mom gives me updates when she calls. I thank God every day for my poor "divorce-affected messed up" kids who have great lives and BRAINS.

Home from the Cruise

Got home today from a five day cruise I went on with my son (husband had to work). No, we were not on the ship that got stuck in the middle of the ocean with no electricity, thank goodness! We had smooth sailing and it was really nice. I hope to plan another one maybe for next fall.
While I was gone my husband had a security alarm system put in. He's a constant lock checker, and is always concerned someone will try to break in. So if it makes him feel better and check the locks less often, fine. We did have an attempted break-in in our neighborhood a month of so ago. And the people were home and it was at 10AM! They heard him break out the window and when they ran to see, he ran off. So as Antwone says...he was so dumb, for real.
I discovered karaoke on the cruise ship (I'm always behind the current events curve by years). No I didn't sing, but I had a lot of fun watching those who had enough nerve to do it. And singing ability was no pre-requisite, evidently. I wish I had enough nerve to have done it once. I think it's going to have to go on my bucket list.
Tomorrow I will actually weigh and see what I gained on the cruise, so I can get it back down this week. Usually, it's not as bad as I think it will be, because of all the walking. And we did a lot of walking, and took a lot of stairs (elevators take forever!)

Ewwww Gross!!

So ok....my daughter read my "update" and said I left out the best story. I told her I was hesitant to leave that story because I didn't want you all to think we were a trashy bunch. ha. But anyway, here goes.
About two months ago, my husband called and said a woman called him at work and said she was the manager of the apt complex where his daughter lives (the one he never hears from unless she wants something). The lady said her husband had been removed and taken to the mental hospital, and she was very upset, and they were there taking pictures..so he went over. I don't really know what her husband did, or how anyone knew anything about him, as he and my step-daughter are both hermits, but the sherriff's office came and got him and took him, with a court order. When they left, the people from mental health and the apt people were surprised to see that he didn't live alone. They said they knew he had a wife on the lease, but no one had ever seen her. Well, the apartment was beyond nasty (Have you ever seen the hoarding show on tv?) and they went in and took pictures.
Of course, she was crying, and my husband called and asked if he could bring her home, and he did. When she walked in the back door, I was all the way at the other end of the kitchen, and the smell made me gag. Her hair was all matted and sticking out everywhere, and she smelled to high heaven..I said, Wait. Let me get you a change of clothes and you can take a shower. I did, and she did, and she came out and smelled just about as bad as she did when she went in. We later found out the last bath she had was over six months ago....or washed her hair, or brushed her teeth (she was missing one of the front ones). I'm a germophobe, so I was freaking out. He tried washing the clothes she was wearing but they were really gross, so he went and bought some. I got all freaked out and was crying, scared to death she was going to move in with us, and scared she was going to bring some kind of bugs into the house. (She said her apt was infested with spiders, roaches, and fleas, and it was...) My husband took her the next morning to the apt, and he called back to say it was beyond anything he could ever imagine. He said he got garbage bags and shoveled garbage into them for hours and cleared a path about two feet from the front door. It took him days to get back to the other rooms. They had a cat that had long since filled the litter box and had gone everywhere for months, years?
He said spider webs were hanging everywhere like a haunted house, and the smell would knock you down. He later found out that the reason no one was bathing is the tub was filled up with trash just like the rest of the house. So if you're wondering, no, I never went over there. My husband said no way could I go, and he was right. He said he knew I'd have a coronary and he'd have to deal with me and that mess. So I stayed home and cried a lot.
Anyway, he and I talked, and we both realized she needed some professional help, so he took her to mental health, but they wouldn't hospitalize her because she was not suicidal or homicidal...but made her an appt to see a counselor in a month (which she did not go to, even though I offered to drive her). My poor husband spent days trying to clean the apt, and he had her helping, but after four or five days they hadn't made a dent. The apt people said they would help, and would send out a crew, so my husband let them as he had to go back to work. The plan was that they would get the trash cleaned out, and then move them into another unit so that they could go in, take out the carpet, fumigate, etc in that one, and that they would never be allowed to have pets, and that someone would be constantly checking on them to see the condition of the place.
Well, that was the plan, but we don't know if any of that ever happened. Her husband got out of the hospital, and despite our efforts, they have not responded to seeing us or us picking them up to go to dinner or anything. So we have no idea what happened. Of course, my husband was very upset that they had been living that way, and that she didn't seem to mind it really bothered him. And now he won't hear from her unless there is a crisis again. But he promised me, she will not live with us.
And yes, I'm a nutcase too, because I spent days washing and rewashing the sheets, scrubbing that bathroom, febreezing by the gallons, and finally got this place into something I wasn't afraid would have their cooties in it. So that's been my BIGGEST news since I last posted...

Where did the year go?

It's been a long time since I've posted, but I guess that's obvious. So I thought I would write something to catch everyone up.
My granddaughter was born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (hole in the diaphragm) and it re-herniated this year, so last month she had surgery to correct it. She developed a c-diff infection at the hospital, and then a urinary tract infection. The problem is the antibiotic for the UTI wipes out the good bacteria in her colon which allows the c-diff to flourish. She's taking an antibiotic for that too. So it's been, as my daughter put it "going around and around" trying to get her well. The doctor wanted to do a scan of her kidneys this week, but because her urine culture showed infection, he cancelled it for now.
I'm leaving Sat to go on a cruise with my son, David. We are driving to Mobile, and then sailing to Progresso and Cozumel. I've been on this cruise several times, so am not too excited over the ports, but I am looking forward to five days of not having to cook or clean. My husband has been out of town on business for the last three weeks. He will be home Saturday, but I won't see him until I get back from the cruise, as I will be leaving before he gets here.
Several of my friends have been going through big personal issues, but I seem to be doing pretty good in my life, even though our family has had several big issues ourselves. I feel very happy right now. The doc put me on a new antidepressant about six weeks ago, so that probably has a lot to do with the good mood.
We are expecting a grandson in December, and also the yearly visit from my mother-in-law. I'm very excited about one of those. :-) Actually, I'm very relieved to be going to stay with my granddaughter while my daughter is at the hospital, as it will get me out of the house during part of the MIL's visit.
I'm still doing clerical work for Project Hope to Abolish the Death Penalty. With our recent election results, I doubt the death penalty is going to be stopped here anytime in the forseeable future. I still write to several prisoners, including one on death row. The woman I was writing to got released, and I'm very happy for her. She got married, is working, and is doing fine. I know her mother, and she's very relieved to have her home.
My ex is a friend of my daughter's FB page, and it shows him with no shirt, covered with tattoos. I cringe every time I see it on her page. I think, "EWWWwww." He had no tattoos when I was with him, but then we were both very young when we married, and fairly young when we divorced. I guess he went through his tattoo parlor stage after that and thinks a fat guy with no shirt looks good. :-) There are just some men who look much better in clothes!!
My husband and I went through some marriage counseling this year. We had grown apart and had really stopped sharing much of anything with each other. I think the counseling has improved things. We both are more accepting of each other's differences, and we have learned how to disagree and still be able to discuss it with each other, instead of holding resentments. We saw the same therapist that I had been seeing, but that was his idea. I was very happy to have her do it, as I didn't have to say a lot. She knows me and my background very well.

I started drawing about a month ago, (the picture is supposed to be Scarlett O'Hara) and I started doing artist trading cards and trading them with people all over the world on atcsforall.com. It's been a lot of fun. Then a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for The Sketchbook Project, and I'm steadily trying to fill my sketchbook with graphite drawings before the Jan 15 deadline. I draw one, count the remaining pages, draw another, count...Deadlines drive me nuts. The theme for my book was "help" but they said you can be very liberal in interpreting that. So I'm doing mine on helping take care of the earth. On the first page, I drew an eye, crying, and the iris is Earth. Then the other sketches are of plants, animals, vegetables, etc. I plan to take it with me on the cruise so that I can work on it. I don't draw anything from memory, as my memory is not trustworthy these days....but I run off copies of photos I like from google images, and draw from them. I have found, though, in drawing people, it's much easier to draw from life than from a picture.
Let's see...my doctor is sending me to a plastic surgeon to see about having a repair done on my tummy. I've had four abdominal surgeries and my belly is not how it should be. We will see if the insurance will pay for this, and if not, I won't be having it. But if they do, I will be very glad about that.

I just ordered a new pair of flipflops from Amazon to take on the cruise (with overnight shipping) and paid $20. I still can't believe I paid 20 bucks for a pair of flipflops. (shaking head) but they are cute. And it is very hard to find flipflops this time of the year. But they are freaking flip flops!
My son bought us this little box for our tv that lets us watch netflix movies on the television. I've discovered "Weeds" and "Dexter" and am in the middle of catching up on past seasons. I don't watch much television, so miss a lot of the shows everyone already knows about.
My son and I went to Lowe Mill in Huntsville not long ago. They have artist studios and on Saturdays they are open for all local artists to come set up a booth. I love walking around and looking at all of it. It's three stories (in an old mill) and free admission. I plan to go back and take my husband to see it all when he gets home (and I do). Anyway, while I was there, I ran into a lady I knew from La Leche League back thirty years ago. She does abstract art, sort of Pollack style, but with really pretty colors. I am not too sure she remembered me, but she acted like she did.
I got a really bad haircut about six weeks ago, at the same place I've been going to for many years. It's a walk-in place with no appointments and I've always taken whoever was available. Well, they had some new hairdresser that was very vocal about being from Miami and being so up on the latest styles, and what she gave me looked like a mop on crack. So I let it grow as much as I could stand, then went back to get it cut again, and found out (thank goodness) that she had been fired. I was glad because I was afraid I'd have to limit my visits to that salon on days she was not there. Anyway, now it's really short, and although I bought hair color some time ago that is sitting in the bathroom cabinet, is almost completely gray now. I saw a picture of a lady with long gray hair and again, I wish I could let my hair grow out like that, but it never will when I keep getting it cut. ha. I hate it in the "in between stages."
Well, my niece came out with a cookbook and is now something of a local celebrity, and my mom calls me much more often to discuss my sister and my niece and all that they are doing. Several of my recipes were in the book, but of course she mentions every distant relative in the included stories, except for me. Once again, I feel very "black sheepish." My mom made sure to send me the cookbook, a magazine that had an article about the cookbook, showing pictures of the family. My daughter said it best, "Why don't you tell her we don't care!" But, of course, I don't. I let her go on and on about how wonderful they all are, and then I hang up feeling like sh*t. My mom has no idea that I draw, or that we've been in couple's counseling, or anything else about me, and never asks. But unless she calls to remind me of all of that, it's not something that really bothers me much anymore.
That's about all that's happened around here.. Until next time....

Addicted to Facebook

For any of you who read this and don't know, I've pretty much given it up for Facebook. Who knows, I may come back to it at some point, but right now you can find me at facebook here.

My Bologna Has a First Name- It's R-U-S-H

I went to the post office this morning, and evidently the last time my car was taken out was when my husband drove it, because it was tuned to Rush Limbaugh. He was saying how Hillary was shown getting off the plane in Afghanistan, and she looked really tired (imagine that after that flight). So Rush commented, "I have said this before, and this picture of her makes it even more obvious, that America would not want to have to watch a sixty-something woman aging in office."
This from a man who looks like this on a good day, and on a bad one just looks like the horse's ass he is.

The last time I actually listened to this idiot, he said, "And let's face it. No man wants to be with a fat woman, unless he thinks it's the best he can do." How do you spell idiot? R-U-S-H

And my husband likes him.

Shut the F Up

I'm in the doghouse. When I married my husband, he and I were both moderates politically. With me, it depended on the issue. As the years have passed, he's become ultra conservative, and I've become much more liberal. And he listens to Rush Limbaugh and that radio talk stuff all day at work. So when he comes home, he starts about what is wrong with the liberals, how this country is going to hell because of Obama, blah blah. And me, I argue a little at first, then I shut up and don't say anything. Of course, he doesn't notice. He can go on and on for hours. He gets very emotional about it. I end up mad, and then for days I stew. No more.
I am growing a spine this year. Tonight we went to dinner. A nice dinner out. It's been awhile since we've had dinner out alone. So I was enjoying myself, until...of course, Ted Kennedy's seat etc came up, and he got on a role. I let him go for about fifteen minutes, thinking he would say what he needed to say and stop. No such luck. After fifteen minutes, I said, "You know, you and I see this differently, and I don't agree with you." He ignored that and continued to rant.
So I said, "Did you hear what I just said?" He said yeah, I heard you. Then he started up AGAIN. This time I said, "Look. You feel that way. I don't. I really don't want to hear this."
You'd have thought I had thrown acid on him with the look I got. So then we sat in silence. Of course, I tried to make small talk, but after awhile, there was not much use in talking to myself, so I stopped. He let me know by slamming down the pen and the receipt and his glass that he was mad. And I ignored it. I kept hearing my therapist in my head, saying, "You have to share your feelings. How the other person reacts is none of your business." So I kept repeating that to myself.
Of course, a big part of me wanted to say something to gloss it over and make it all go away. So I tried that. I said, "It's been a long time since we've had a nice evening together like this, and I'd like to spend it talking about something neutral." Silence.
So now we're home, and he's still not speaking. It's going to be a really quiet night and I'm not backing down. So there.

Christmas in Tennessee

We had a great Christmas this year. We went to my daughter's house. Both my sons were there, too, and we got to watch my granddaughter open her Santa gifts. She said, "Presents EVERYWHERE!" ha.
Then they made a fabulous dinner (prime rib!) and we ate wayyyy too much. But it was wonderful. It was a good day, and we hope they will volunteer to do it next year. hint hint. :-)
I hope all of you who read had a great Christmas and have a very Happy New Year!

My Favorite Things Part 2

Ok, I guess this is another of my favorite things posts. I finally found a comfortable bra that fits well and even washes well. I bought the first one about two months ago, so I've had some laundry experience with them. I've bought beautiful bras in the past that looked great until you washed them twice. But now I have my favorite bra, and it's made by Vanity Fair.

I also LOVE this program that allows you to journal and keep it online and private.It's called Efficient Diary. Before, I had "It's Personal" but it was pretty much just for text. This one lets you put pictures, colors, links, files, etc in it. I use it every day. And it's nice to have a place to say anything I want. I asked my son, the computer whiz, and he said it's very secure.

Now for my new favorite book. It's called The Help. If you haven't read it, you have to. You will laugh and cry reading this, and you won't be able to put it down. It's about Southern women and their maids, but it's told by the maids. So you get to hear what they think about their employers, and it makes for great reading. I've read it twice already.

And this is my absolute favorite green tea. I drink it straight and it tastes better than any I've had. I saw a television spot on the Today show that said people who drink green tea lose more weight than people who are dieting and don't drink green tea. So guess what I drink all the time. :-0

Here is my favorite new website. I loved How to Look Good Naked when the show was on. It has Carson from Queer Eyes, helping women feel good about their bodies. One of the most interesting parts of the show was when he took a woman into a group of women and had her sort them into who was larger than her, and who was smaller (as far as hip size). She always thought she was bigger than she was. I think this site has full episodes you can watch.

No Blues on the Cruise

My son and I went on our cruise. I wish my husband could have gone but he didn't have the vacation days. It left out of Mobile, and because of Hurricane Ida ripping past LA (Lower Alabama), the cruise was postponed a day, changed from three ports to two, and one of those two was changed. But all in all, we had a really good time.
My son had frequent flyer miles so we decided to fly to Mobile. When the cruise got postponed, we didn't want to change our airline tickets and pay that fee, so we decided to go on and spend one night at a hotel. Our plane went from Huntsville to Memphis, and from Memphis to Mobile. (How crazy is that?) Anyway, it was one of those itty bitty planes that almost doesn't qualify as a passenger plane, and the turbulance had me really freaked out. Because of the hurricane winds, we bounced all over the sky and for awhile, I thought we were going down for sure.
I enjoyed getting to talk to my son. Hanging out with mom is not usually their favorite thing to do at his age, but he was great about it. One night in the theatre they had a show featuring Beatles music, which he now knows because of Guitar Hero (ha!) and during the show, neon green light sticks were passed out through the audience. It was really neat to see all those lights waving to Eleanor Rigsby. :-)
My son went up on stage to play trivia jeopardy, and did great but did not win, but the next day he played another game and won. He got the famous Carnival Solid Golden Plastic Ship on a Stick. He loved it.
We went to a origami class and made paper frogs that you can jump. We went to a towel animal class, and we watched (but did not participate in) a disco dance class (very Saturday Night Feverish).
I enjoyed the food but did a lot of walking and am happy to report my doctor said yesterday my weight stayed the same. No loss but no gain, so I was happy.
We went shopping in Cozumel and I bought a Coach bag. Ok, so for the price it might be a fake, but I wasn't sure. If I couldn't tell, no one else probably can either.
Now that I'm home, I am cleaning the house for Thanksgiving. Two of my children, one son-in-law, my granddaughter, and my mom are coming. I started making a shopping list today, and it got longer and longer. So I did a radical thing. I called Cracker Barrel and ordered a Thanksgiving Dinner for Six for take out. I pick it up Thanksgiving morning. I had them throw in a pumpkin pie. So I buy Cool Whip, make tea and we're good to go. And I won't be too tired to play with my grandbaby. I also got out of Christmas this year, and my sweet daughter volunteered to do it at her house. So I'm actually looking forward to the holiday season, almost. (Still have the mother-in-law to contend with.)

Stuff I Love

I now have four penpals that are inmates. One on death row, two with life in prison and one who gets out sometime in the next couple of years. I went yesterday to Dollar General and they had the cutest Valentine cards for 50 cents each, so I sent each of them a Happy Halloween card. I figured a little bright color woulnd spice up their concrete and steel.
Speaking of good deals, I love having my contacts now that I've gotten used to them, and while the doctor told me to buy Replenish to use with them (and I did at first) I discovered Clear Care on my own and wow. This stuff REALLY cleans them and they feel so comfortable after using that stuff. They feel like having a new pair every day. It comes with this little jar and you fill it up to the fill line, put the contacts in the little baskets on their cap and put the cap on the jar. A disc made into the cap reacts with the chemical and you can actually see the fizzing as it cleans. After six hours, it turns into plain saline, so you can put them straight into your eyes. You do have to wait that six hours though, or they will BURN. So I soak mine overnight.


The next thing I bought recently that I love is Lodge's CastIron Enamel Dutch Oven in Carribbean Blue. I got mine from Amazon. Nothing sticks, it's as heavy as La Creuset, easy to clean, very heavy. It goes from the stovetop to the oven. I love, love, love this thing.

Ok, so I was late getting on the bandwagon on this one, but if you haven't tried dry cleaning in the dryer, that Dryel stuff really does work. Clothes come out smelling fresh and without wrinkles. One sheet does six items, so it's economical. I use it all the time, and no more dry cleaners.

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Tide Total Care really does keep clothes looking newer longer, because your dark colors don't fade with washings. So I use it all the time now.




Avon Anew Ultimate Premium Elixir really does make you look younger. Really. I know how many products say they do that. But this one does. If you don't believe me, read the reviews online. Women love this stuff. I ordered the eye system by them to try, but haven't gotten it yet. Also, keep your butt out of the sun, and you won't age as fast. Make sure you get it in the black bottle and not the gold. The black is the PREMIUM kind.


Whoever came up with Sudoku puzzles was a genius. I do them all the time. The inmates I write to do them all the time. My son loves them. They are just freaking fun and all you have to do is be able to count to ten. By the way, if you know of any other fun puzzles, let me know what they are.
Well, that's my household recommendations for the day. ha. No, really, when I find something GOOD, I will tell you.
Also, if you haven't seen these websites, they are worth looking at. www.centsofstyle.com, www.postsecret.com, www.librarything/suggester (put in a book you read and liked, it suggests others), www.recipezaar.com (I love getting my recipes from there) www.pogo.com for games, and www.jasoncage.com for "ear candy" (you can listen to funny stories). If you have some favorite websites, please list them in your comments. How do you spend your time online besides googling?

She Loves Me!

Ok, how cute is that! I love being a Granny.
I got contacts. Before I had my lazy eye corrected, contacts were not even an option. So because I'm old, and half blind, the doctor gave me monovision, one for distance, and one for reading. I'm adjusting and think they will work out well. It took me some time to figure out how to take them out (putting them in was easy). My husband reassured my efforts by saying, "They are not worth the trouble." "Why can't you just wear glasses?" "I think they are what are giving you headaches." (I have a sinus infection...headaches go along with that until the antibiotics kick in--It's NOT the contacts.) Anyway, they are new to me, but I think they are way cool. :-)
I went to South Alabama to visit the guy I know on Death Row. (Used to work with his mom.) I was scared to death going to a prison, going through the process to get inside, etc. But the visit went well. He was very grateful for a friend to visit.
I'm doing great on the antidepressants. I just need to take them, and not quit them when I feel better.
I'm looking forward to winter and getting out jackets and sweaters. I'm tired of gauze tops and flip-flops. My daughter is having Christmas at her house this year, so I can even look forward to that!
Thanks for all of you who read and encourage me. I really do appreciate it!