Friday Update

Since hubby retired, it has surely thrown my routine off, and I didn't even know I had a routine. We are all trying to adjust. The biggest problem is meals. This man is hungry all day. I am determined to get us to having one cooked meal per day and then fend for yourself the other two meals. But if I don't cook breakfast, he wants to go out for breakfast. I am SO not a morning person. I do not want to leave the house in the morning unless I absolutely have to. It's been more than a month since he retired and it's still an adjustment in progress.

On a happier note, we went to Houston to see my youngest son, his wife, and our 3 month old grandson. They had a pride parade they needed to attend on Saturday for the station where he works, and they wanted to go out and look for houses on Sunday. I got to babysit both days and little G was such a good baby! I held him the whole time.

I was the GPS'er for the trip, and Hubby and the GPS did not get along at all. He yelled a lot-driving in Houston was hell. My nerves were shot. Let's just say I was thrilled to get to family in Houston but very glad to get out of the car in my garage when I got home.

They did find a house to buy and they close on Aug 11. It's a nearly new house with a fenced backyard. It has one of the modern kitchens which I would LOVE to have, with the recessed sink, granite counters, and a smooth top range. But I have what I have.

I was fortunate to get a new Surface Pro free to review, and I love it, but Windows 10 is kicking my butt. That is what comes from only using an iPad for years! I did recently break down and buy an Apple Watch and I love it. What I like most is that I can be in the kitchen cooking and answer the phone or a message without having to go find my phone.

The dr said my fasting blood sugar was up a lot when I had my physical last week, so he switched my meds, and I am now trying to change my diet. If anyone knows a good meal planner app for diabetes, please leave me a comment.

So....something happened

I had an appointment at the therapist today. I had written the last blog entry that I was thinking about stopping. I thought about it last night before I went to bed. I thought I am doing fine. I really dreaded just having to drive over there today. Seemed like a waste of time when I could stay home and read. I mean...I thought- what am I even going to talk to her about at the appointment?? I have nothing going on, nothing to say.
So I get there, and she calls me back, and I stroll back there and casually sit down. She picks up my file and says, "So how are you doing today?" And I BURST OUT CRYING. One of those ugly face cries. And the whole time I'm crying, I have no clue why. Not. A. Clue.
So, she talks to me for an hour. Gave me a whole stack of handouts to read. Gives me homework. And increases me to TWICE a week.
She sort of thinks it's just the whole retirement thing with B and it just being a big change that caused the "freak-out." My word-not her's. I am really 🤔 not sure. Still don't know why all the crying.
But needless to say, I'm going to be going for the foreseeable future.

Retirement Has Happened

Well, B has been retired a week now. There's an old saying that retirement gives you twice as much husband and half as much money. That is certainly true but it has not been a bad thing having him home. He seems so much more relaxed not to have to deal with work stuff.

He and I went out to eat on Friday (by ourselves!) and I urged him to start making his own decisions on what he wants to do with his time now that he's retired and not let his mom take over. She is very bossy to him and has already begun talking about how he needs to get a volunteer job somewhere soon. He said he would not do anything he didn't want to do.

I've learned a few things about dealing with her. Mostly I've learned to just listen and nod and then do what I want to do anyway.

I'm seriously considering putting an end to therapy. It's been years and I dread going now. I believe I will talk to the therapist about it the next time I go.

My step-sister and step-mother keep calling me, and I'm not answering the phone. I've done this several times and today they left a stern message about how I wasn't staying in touch, and needed to, etc etc, and how they hadn't heard from my sister either. (That's her business.)

I was really feeling guilty, ya'll, that I haven't talked to them when they call. But then I came to a decision about that, too. My dad is gone. And my stepmom has never liked me, or treated me nicely. So I am done. I figure if I ignore them long enough, they will go away. They will probably talk about me to whomever will listen, but eventually they will write me off.

So I am in the process of changing some things to make life less stressful and that's a good thing. Maybe this retirement thing can be good for both of us.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm 61 today. B got up early and made a can of biscuits for breakfast. He and his mom had biscuits and jam, but I made a pan of white gravy for mine. Then we watched the Sunday morning news shows, with B's running commentary, of course. He's still on the Trump train, even though he now says he never really "liked him." He's still quick to come to the idiot's defense.

Anyway, I heard from all three kids today. C and his wife H and baby G are moving to Tx in the next two weeks. They are going to stay in an AirBnB until they decide whether to buy a house. Ci and J and the grandkids opened their above ground pool and enjoyed it all day yesterday. D is doing fine.

For lunch, B asked me to pick, since it's my birthday. I had offered to cook, but he said no. He went to get us Cracker Barrel take-out plates. I had meat loaf, fried okra, turnip greens, cabbage, and cornmeal muffins.
Then, as is my usual pattern on Sunday, I took a nap, while B and his mom snoozed in their recliners.

Dinner was hot dogs. So I have recounted my 61st birthday based on food. Ha!

I bought an 8 qt. Instant Pot while I was visiting D in Seattle. It was here when I got home. I've been using it often. I joined some FB groups and have gotten some good recipes. Then, because I am a reviewer for Amz Vine, I got another 8 qt digital pressure cooker, not an InstantPot brand but a Maxi-Matic. I am not sure yet if I am going to keep them both. Then this week, I also got an air fryer to review. I like it, but only for sides. It's not big enough for much else.

Now we are about to watch Flea Market Flip. I love that show.

Washer konked out

My mother-in-law is an expert at finding things that need fixing in the house. She was doing laundry and lost a sock. When checking around the washer she found water. The water pump on our old washer had "bit the dust."

We went to Lowes. It was that or Home Depot and I think I remember HD being one of those pro-Donny businesses?? Anyway, Lowes it was. I got a top-loader because I don't want a washer that takes extra steps not to stink. I got a Maytag and hope that old Maytag repairman gets really bored like he does in the commercials.
Should be here tomorrow.

I'm watching The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu. If you haven't been watching it, I recommend it. It's much better than the book. It's hard to wait from Wednesday to Wednesday for the new episode.

My mother-in-law never did find her sock.

Questions and Answers

I had a comment on a previous post that someone didn't know I ever owned a business. So I thought I would write about that today. When I was in college, I worked as a tutor for student services, landed a job as a lab assistant in the math lab, and later began tutoring at a local tutoring center as their solo tutor while the owner was out on maternity leave. When I graduated, my plan had always been to teach in public schools. However, I really enjoyed working one on one with students. When I found out the lady I had been working for did not intend to come off maternity leave and resume her business, I decided to open my own business. I rented office space, put in a computer lab, tutoring cubicles, and bought math textbooks, manipulatives, etc. At one time, I was up to seven tutors working for me. We only did math and tutored grades 1-12. I also had a free adult literacy program.
I did that for about four years. I got so burned out. I had done all my own payroll and taxes. I had tutors who would call in sick right before their scheduled session. So I decided owning a business is not all it is cracked up to be. I have also taught in public school, which I don't recommend to anyone who likes teaching more than politics, paperwork, and babysitting.

Saturday Plans

We got up early and went to the farmers market. I had ordered honey from a local beekeeper and it was in. I also bought some greenhouse tomatoes. They had all kinds of greens, onions, squash, etc. I love the farmer's market and country cooking. If I only cooked for myself, I would have had a big pot of greens on the stove now. My favorite is collards. Bruce came home from work in the early years of our marriage to find I had been cooking collards. He complained about the smell from the minute he opened the door. After that, I would wait until he was going to be away on a business trip for a few days, and I would make a big pot the day he left and eat them all week. When I was growing up, my granny lived with us and she cooked dinner every night. She always started out with a pot of beans or peas. Then came potatoes-fried or stewed. Big iron skillet of cornbread. Sliced onion and sliced tomato from the garden. We only had meat maybe once or twice a week, usually meat loaf, salmon patties, or fried chicken. A real treat to me was when she made fried chicken livers. I guess we were practically vegetarian but didn't realize it. She was used to Depression era meals and meat was harder to come by. All those years growing up, I complained and wanted other things, "exotic" things like spaghetti or tacos. Now I am married to a man who ONLY wants tacos and spaghetti, and I want country cooking! We are going to drive a couple of hours away today to go to my granddaughter's piano recital. She asked me if I would come the last time they visited, so I wouldn't miss it. All is in progress for B to retire the end of May. I'm trying to plan better on our food spending, so have been putting all my recipes into the Cozi app. I like it because it can pull a recipe off the internet and put it in the app, then add the ingredients to my shopping list. We have an Aldi's here, and my daughter and sister both do the majority of their food shopping at Aldi's. Well, my mother-in-law is a big time brand snob, and the one time I took her there and she didn't recognize the brands, she declared everything "off brands" and "inferior products." I went and bought a few things the other day, and she knew it. I made dinner that night, a OG zuppa toscana copycat recipe, and she complained that it had an off taste. Neither hubby or I tasted anything wrong. I didn't use any Aldi food in the recipe, but there was no need to tell her that, because she had made up her mind. Hubby and I were talking about it this morning and he said are there other ways we can save without buying Aldi's? I said, "I'm going to Aldi's. I'm going to cook with Aldi's brands. If it does taste wrong, I won't buy it again, but if I like it, and you like it, and she doesn't, then she can make a sandwich." He doesn't know why I'm not as afraid of his mother as he is, I guess. Oh the joys of having your MIL living with you. And I guess this is a first world problem but one of the main reasons I want to do my part to reduce eating out and food costs is so I won't have to give up my cleaning lady. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

The Forbidden Subject

In our home, hubby is pretty sure he will be able to retire May 31. Which means he is sooooo close, but so far away, like that last semester of school, remember? And the days seem to crawl by. And right now, he absolutely despises his job. Hates it. And every day said job seems to heap on him even more reasons to hate it, usually in the afternoon, at close to time for him to go home. So to say he comes home grumpy would be an understatement of epic proportions.

And when he gets home, he gets his dinner plate and sits down in the recliner to watch...::::::drumroll:::::the NEWS. Of which he always has an opinion, and those opinions become rants when he's grouchy. And not one of his opinions is the same as mine. You see, he and his mom are of a different political party. They are hard line Republicans. (Here I am,an Alabama native,and I'm the liberal in the house, go figure.)

Meanwhile, here I am in this place of my life. I have simplified my life to the point where it is very manageable to me. Most days are calm and peaceful. I read. I may write a little. I watch my soap. I look at cooking videos on YT. I cook dinner. I manage anxiety without needing meds.

So in comes my Tasmanian Devil from work. And we are watching the news. And he voted for Donnie. And he will not admit that he has any regrets over it. What he does say is that all media is unfair to poor Donnie, and anything said against him is a lie.

I gave up trying to change his mind. He has not given up on changing mine. And I decided long ago, that I refuse to waste my breath arguing with anyone over anything. I will state my opinion, but arguments, no. No way. Hell no.

So when the news comes on, and the ranting begins, and goes on and on and on. I keep my mouth shut a long time. A LONG time. I really do. But sooner or later, I reach my limit, and say, "Well...I disagree. I feel....(insert comment of the day)" And I wave the red cape at the bull.

He immediately wants to argue. And that's fine. But it takes two. And I won't argue. Which makes things worse. He goes on and on, and then I say, "Well, like I said, I disagree." If it goes on and on long enough, I have said, "You are not going to change my opinion. I am through discussing this." That makes him furious. I think what he really needs is to vent because his day was so crappy. And I love him and want that for him. That's why I let him go on so long. But I have my limit on how much my peaceful life can be disrupted. I have given up my voice so much of my life.

Now where is his mom in all this? Well, sometimes they gang up on me. That's just the truth. But not too long ago, I stood up, teared up, and said I felt ganged up on. I walked out of the room. They both looked like deer in the headlights. They had hurt my feelings, and I don't think either of them had considered that they were hurting me.

Now his mom will sometimes try to calm things. Like last night's discussion was over whether confederate statues should be taken down. I was yes. I was adamant. He was of the opinion that it's history. If you keep removing history every time someone is offended, etc etc. His mom said perhaps the difference in opinion here is where you are from. She reminded him that my having grown up here, I've seen more and lived more of the bigotry and hate and have a different perspective because of it. That defused things. Sometimes she is helpful.

I know marriages are not easy. The older people get the more they get set in their ways. That is true. And I love him and respect him. I love and respect me, too. Took a long time to get there. And neither of us is going anywhere.

My retirement goal is to keep my life peaceful. If that means living in another room during news, so be it. We have another tv. 😜👍

Saturday Stuff

We went to breakfast at Waffle House and then took the dog to the vet for his heartworm shot. It is raining hard here this morning, but we needed the rain.
After seeing my therapist R for 3 years, she decided to open her own clinic as a ministry at her church. Her father was a pastor, but she was never preachy with me. When I was seeing her all those years, it was at a Christian counseling group, which was fine with me, as I consider myself a Christian, just not one of "those Christians." The first time I saw her she asked if we could pray together at the end of our sessions and I said no. After that, there was never any religious pressure.
Anyway, like I said, she decided to move her practice to her church and I made one trip out there to see her. I was not comfortable with that at all!!! For one thing, it was 15 miles from my house. I had to check in through the church office. Plus, it was a super busy place and loud.
So, I changed to another therapist, D, at the office I'd been going to. She's close to my age. She has dogs. I like her. So there have been three therapists in my life.
The first one walked me through major MAJOR codependency issues. We tackled all kinds of issues from my life but not the BIG thing, as I had decided if I never gave a voice to the BIG thing, it would not affect me. (It was affecting me BIG TIME.).
Therapist number 2 found out and tiptoed slowly into the rape discussion. She began by handing me a textbook with a PTSD diagnosis and having me read it to myself and "just consider it." We went from there. I came to realize how my life had gone from a pretty fearless life as a business owner with a social life before the rape, to a fearful of everything isolated hermit after. And we dealt with telling my family. (They were great.).
Therapist 3 is helping me combat the physical reactions to getting out by myself and claim my independence back. So it has been a process and each therapist has been exactly what I needed at the time. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I can actually see a not too distant future where I won't need therapy anymore.
My husband is retiring this summer, and the other big news of the day is his letter arrived that he needed to submit his retirement package. He's been waiting on it for months but the government is slow about everything.

Beginning Again

I mentioned to Amy the other day that I miss blogging, and so I decided to start again.
I just got back from a 3 week visit to Seattle to see my middle son. We had a really nice time. The day I got there, the cherry tree outside his balcony was in full bloom. I even got a few pictures of it. It was a good thing, too, as the next day a big wind storm blew every blossom off of it.
I had some great seafood, got to take Uber rides (how cool!) and saw some good movies. I even took a tour of FB where he works.
While I was there, my youngest son and his wife had their first baby, a little boy, and my third grandchild. I haven't gotten to hold him yet, but his other grandmother is still there with them. He is doing well, had a few feeding problems at first but was able to turn that around with help from the lactation consultant.
If you're looking for a good book, I just finished "The Orphan's Tale," and it was really good. I loaned it to my mother-in-law and she liked it, too. It's set during World War 2 and is about two women who are trapeze artists in the circus.
My daughter is doing well, too. She starts a new job in May at a local community college. She is keeping her work from home job but will only be doing it a few hours a week. Grandson B is six years old and in kindergarten. He has his first loose tooth. My granddaughter, C, is 9 and in fourth grade. She is taking piano, has been for awhile, and has her second recital next month.
I was taking piano but gave it up. I seemed to hit a spot where everything seemed above what I could do. I got frustrated and gave up. We bought a piano, so I need to take it back up at some point, maybe with a different teacher. I loved the teacher I had but she had three pre-schoolers, including a baby who liked to bang on one end of the piano while I was having my lessons.
My sister and her husband just split up after over 45 yrs of marriage. He's had a gf for the last 5 yrs, and my sis put up with all his promises and lies a lot longer than I would have. It's all final now and she is trying to move on by herself. If you have followed my blog in the past, you know that she didn't speak to me for over 15 years. After our mom and dad died, she started talking again. We get along fine now. Talk once a week or so, go out to lunch every few months. (I hate talking on the phone!)
I hate every day that Trump is in the White House. Living with two Republicans doesn't make it any better. However, our Governor resigning in disgrace, and Bill O'Reilly getting fired has made April a little better.

A Little Updating

I have come a long way since this blog began. I have finally found the right medications to keep the worst of the depression monsters away. Although I have days when my motivation is bad, they are fewer. I no longer fear confrontation. I am able to go to people about conflicts and talk it out, which I could never do a few years ago. I speak up for myself more, and I give more value to my own opinions and beliefs.
We ave a new dog. Her name is Abbey, named after the Beatles Abbey Road. I love the Beatles music, almost as much as James Taylor, but not quite.
I think adding a pic to blog posts used to be easier. I can't figure out how now.
My middle son lost his job while I was visiting him a few weeks ago. He's had no luck finding anything yet. It worries me all the time. I feel so helpless.
My sister loves me again. Since our parents died in 2013, just a few months apart, she has buried the hatchet and picked up like nothing happened. I want really badly to just accept this new relationship, but part of me just does not trust it. I'm afraid she'll get mad at me over something and go 15 more years without speaking. I did learn, during all that time, to live without her in my life.
My youngest son is married to a beautiful girl, and they seem very happy. She was just accepted into sonography school. My daughter and her husband are fine, busy with the kids.
I dread Christmas. Anyway, my therapist thinks she is going to desensitize my aversion to all things Christmas, so everytime I go in, she has Christmas decorations everywhere! :-)

This is so me!

MELANCHOLY (Introvert)
Melancholies need to learn to communicate their feelings; emotionally they are very protective and guarded. The way that a Melancholy demonstrates or says that they love someone is by being dependable and responsible not in physical or verbal terms necessarily. Because of their intellectual and analytical energies they can see the end results of a project before moving forward.

Melancholies have a very sensitive emotional nature; feelings dominate their being. Sometimes moods will lift them to extreme highs; at other times they will be gloomy and depressed. The secondary temperament will often help balance this out. My secondary temperament is Phlegmatic and it most definitely balances these tendencies in me, especially as I get older. Unsocial by nature, meeting new people is difficult and social activities are draining.

Melancholies when rising to their strengths, and once these strengths are brought under God, the Melancholy is capable of great and wonderful things. When Melancholies sink to their weaknesses they become destructive to themselves and those close to them.

There is great comfort and reward when we submit ourselves to God (regardless of what temperament we possess) and learn to live out our strengths in the temperament that He has given us. The Melancholy is very valuable in the body of Christ under His control. Read through the Melancholy’s strengths and carefully consider if the Melancholy would not be a blessing and asset to their family, to the Kingdom of God, the Church, and the community where they live. God help each of us to live in the strengths of our temperament, our in-born “nature”, God has given us.

The pure Melancholy for example is an introvert and a loner. Melancholies are more task oriented as opposed to relationship-oriented. Melancholies tend to be perfectionists and set unreasonable standards and goals for themselves and the people around them.

Melancholies are very loyal people: to their family and friends. If they make a promise the Melancholy will keep it. Melancholies are very creative people, but are prone to deep depression. They are very private people, as well as very serious.

They are self-motivated, and do not respond to the promise of reward nor the threat of punishment.
Often they are not satisfied with only one chance at something because they feel they could always do better. They tend to take a more realistic viewpoint. A Melancholy knows their limitations and they rarely take on more than they can do.

The Melancholy temperament is the most self-centered; their extreme sensitive nature causes them to be easily offended or insulted. They can be suspicious and jump to unfounded conclusions. They have the tendency to self-examine themselves to the degree that they become inactive, and unenergetic; over thinking everything can cause a variety of problems.

Melancholies may be calm and quiet on the surface but they are often angry and resentful. They tend to keep those feelings to themselves until they build up and eventually the anger explodes in a fit of rage.

SUMMARY
Introvert, loner, great thinker, genius-prone, very artistic and creative, often found alone in thought, perfectionistic, slow-paced, great understanding of tasks and systems, a critical and challenging mind, and seeing both the pitfalls and the end results of a project undertaken.

Extremely moody, suffer from “black” depressions, reject people, set standards neither they nor anyone else can meet, develop habits that are very hard to break, have suicidal tendencies, low self-esteem and are pessimistic.

Good at decisions and responsibilities in known areas, very good leadership abilities. They adhere to the rules and they need very little control over the lives and behavior of others.

Rigid, inflexible, sensitive to failure, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, apt to be a rebel and procrastinate.

Very faithful, loyal friends and self-sacrificing. Their feelings run deep and tender (even though they lack the ability to express these feelings). They easily empathize with others and have the ability to make very deep commitments.

They dissect the past with theoretical “what ifs,” i.e., “what if” he had given me flowers, I would feel loved; “what if” I were prettier, they would love me more. Also, they are critical of others, angry, cruel, vengeful, emotional, rarely tell people how they feel, have a low self-image and are sensitive to rejection from deep relationships. The loss of a deep relationship (even by death) is devastating to them.

Polar Vortex and Art

Too cold to go out....and if I don't HAVE to, then it is a very good reason to stay in and do art journaling. My new hobby. Those of you who know me know I love to draw.

I am usually behind the times, so I know art journaling has been popular awhile. I signed up for a few free classes like Journal 52 and "Art Heart & Healing." I loved it so now I am taking a paid class called Lifebook 2014. I do a page a week based on the lesson, and then at the end of the year, we bind them into a book. It's been fun. It's also been interesting to find room in the corner of my bedroom for art supplies when it was already full of sewing stuff. But I managed to find a small, crowded place on my  desk and a good lamp and that's all I have needed. Here is one of my pages.

Giving another therapist a try

As I said yesterday, I have been thinking of changing therapists for awhile. I called today and made an appointment at a local clinic with a LPC there. I know, if not for years of counseling, I would not have made an independent decision to do something just because I felt it was best for me.
I don't know if I will click with this new lady, but I am looking forward to someone different. I looked online for reviews of her practice but there were none. I see her Wednesday.


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Busy Weekend

My husband helped me this weekend and I managed to declutter and organize the bathroom and master closet. I have the love seat in the living room piled up to the top of the back with stuff, and a friend that is coming to get it all in the morning. She and her husbands help a lot of people from their church.
I heard a line on a TV show that described how I feel about my mom's death. They said you can know something, but still not believe it. I know in my mind she is gone, but there is a big part of me that still doesn't believe it. I think that is probably very normal.
My sis and I became much closer after Mom died, but now we don't talk as often. Right now, I am feeling very, very alone. Like life is going forward for everyone else, but mine is still and quiet.
I am thinking about stopping therapy. I feel like we stopped making progress a while ago, and now it's like she just tries to fill the time. I have seriously considered finding someone else, someone in my city, so I wouldn't have so far to commute. Plus, I think I could use a change. Different person, different strategy. My therapist was the speaker at a group I went to last week, and I realized after her talk that I have heard all this over and over and I was so bored. Maybe that is how I feel in therapy now- bored!
I have been experimenting with essential oils. I have had insomnia for awhile, and have been using this blend with lavender. I am sleeping SO much better. I just put a few drops in a small bowl in front of my fan at night. It works great!



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September Already

My trip to Seattle was good for me. I was able to do some sewing, cooking, a lot of reading, and just chill. My son worked his regular hours when I was there, so I had my days free. On the weekends, we toured a chocolate factory, went whale watching, and saw a Mariners game.
My mother-in law's visit in July was better. I don't think she has changed, but believe the difference was me. I just don't let her bother me as much anymore. I'm not as sensitive to criticism anymore. She is talking about getting a place and moving here, and even that is ok with me.
My youngest son is getting married next month. I bought a dress. I really dread the wedding, even though I'm happy for him. Meeting her family, all the crowds and commotions, just feels overwhelming. But my daughter reminded me that I dreaded her wedding too, but got through it. I am sure this won't be as bad as the anxiety beforehand.
I stopped seeing the therapist from June to September. I needed a break from that, too. But I am doing good. I really am. I am looking forward to cooler weather, sweaters, The Fall leaves.
Curling up with some good books. I read some good ones lately. I re-read Gap Creek, then The Road To Gap Creek. I have a stack of others on the nightstand.
My son in Seattle is going to be able to get a dog. He has wanted one a long time, but his landlord said no. She finally relented. He will probably get one after the wedding next month, so he won't have to board a new pet. I am glad he will have an animal to keep him company. He grew up with a dog, so he will be a good owner.
My sister and I went to get my stepmother and we all went to the cemetery to take flowers to Daddy's grave for his birthday. Then we went to lunch. It still seems unreal that he and Mama are gone.

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Summer in the City

I always liked that song, Hot Town, Summer in the City, Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty...ok, anyway! So it's summer. This year has not been a good one, but I still don't wish for any year to fly by. This month, my MIL is coming for her summer visit. She is only staying FIVE DAYS this time (There is a God!) And, the day she leaves, hubby goes on a business trip. He comes home and I leave for Seattle for three weeks. I booked this back after my mom died. I just start feeling overwhelmed and feel like I have to get out of here and have a change. I would love to live in Seattle. I love where my son lives, but I know that would never be in our price range, but being within a bus ride of downtown would be fine with me. I love walking down to Pikes Place and buying fresh seafood, fresh produce, fresh bread--and then coming home and making dinner. Between all the fresh food, and all the walking I do when I am there- plus the R&R, I come home feeling so much better.
This time, I mailed a sewing machine there. I plan to pre-cut some projects to take to work on while I am there. I found a fabric store within walking distance that has rave reviews.
My sister and I started out very close right after my mom died, but now that summer is here, she is busy with her grandchildren every day, and our visiting went to texting, and now we are not doing that very much lately. I think everyone (at least my husband and therapist) was worried that I would get attached to her again, and that she would not hold up her end of the relationship, or would just suck me in and then decide to cut me back out of her life again. I told them both that I was taking this a day at a time. If we spent the day together, I enjoyed the talking, the activities, but I didn't expect there to be anymore after that day. If there were, great. If not, I was not disappointed. I've tried to figure out why she suddenly decided to take back up with me. It's been fifteen years! I know we lost our parents, but she was ok without me before they died. And she seemed to be making such a huge effort after their deaths. After all the times I had made efforts that went nowhere. She tells me she loves me. She asks how I am. I wondered if she promised my mom she would look after me or something? I really may never know.
But summer is taking it's toll on all that, and now that I'm going away for awhile, it will make it even harder for us to maintain the closeness.
I have gotten so used to my little family unit. My husband says we are like an island unto ourselves. Me, him, the kids, the grandkids. That's about it. In fact, with all the time the therapist spends trying to pound into my head not getting into relationships with people who have "inappropriate boundaries" and how I have to respond correctly when I need to be assertive, not be a doormat, etc. I feel like I would be so much better off if I didn't have many people in my life. My husband laughed at that, but I mean, really...It's easier to not have to learn all this if I just limit my world to those I feel safe with. And my FaceBook friends (and blog readers).
I have this one neighbor that sucks the life out of everyone. She's a big time gossip and backbiter, and she ran off everyone else in the neighborhood from being her friend. So...I felt sorry for her. No one wanted anything to do with her. So I started going to lunch with her, and she began to expect things from me, to ask questions I felt she had no business knowing, and to call constantly, invite herself into my life in times she was not asked. I don't realize this until I am totally knee deep into it, and then I have to go back and figure out where did I let her cross a boundary I should have stopped. Geez, I see I'm in the middle of it, but not how I got there. So then I have to go through a process of trying to discourage her from contacting me. It's exhausting. And she's just one example.
I don't work. I don't leave the house often. I don't have to deal with other people really. So why make the effort. I guess that sounds nuts, but it's how I feel.
Ok, here's my main rant for this blog entry. People who put pictures of their scars, ingrown toenails, surgery incisions, hemorrhoids (ok, not really) and other ghastly images on FB. Stop. Pleaseeeeee. Barf. I don't want to see it. I can take your word for it. I don't need proof you are hurt. I will believe you without having to see it.
I've been making patchwork travel pillow cases for gifts, quilts for the grandkids, baby blankets for the kids in the NICU for a project my daughter is involved in, and anything else I can find to "bust my scrap pile." I'm addicted to buying grab bags of fabric. I love getting that heavy box and not knowing what fabrics may be inside. So every other week, I order one. It feels like Christmas.
So I got an embroidery machine. My husband bought me a little table I can leave it set up on in the corner of my bedroom, so I don't have to take it up and down. I bought some blank napkins, placemats, etc so I can try it out.
Well, that's about all for now.

I did it!

It's short!





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Cut it all off

I've had times in my life that I've let loose, taken a risk, walked on the edge. Usually when my life has been shaken up, the dust settles, and I think I need a change.
Well, my world has really been shaken with the deaths of my mom and dad, plus a lot of other things. I have been having this persistent thought...I want to cut my hair. Now, my hair is short, but I want it really short. Like this.



I want to start doing some things that are a bit "out there."
I decided to start going to the pool. However, I've gained a lot of weight these last few months. I've found nothing makes me feel better when I'm teary than a DQ Blizzard. So bathing suit...cringe. So I ordered some swim capris and a long swim top that not only can I swim in but also have a high built in SPF. (Coolibar) Now I will look like a very old Olympian. Ha!

I Never Know What to Call These Things

Before my mom died, she ordered some flowers on QVC. She was so excited over them and had been watching for them every day. After she died, they were delivered and the females in the family divided them out. I put mine in a little planter on the porch, and they have bloomed. Mama would have enjoyed these.



We are buying Mama's car. It has been an ordeal trying to get it in our name, and we are not through yet. But it's a very nice car. In it were her sunglasses, some Time Life CD's she bought, and a marble of all things! I put the marble in my jewelry box, and have been wearing her sunglasses.
Mother's Day is going to be tough.
My sister is teaching me quilting, which presents a new dilemma. Where in this home do I store all this stuff! I don't have room for a separate sewing space. I usually just put my sewing machine on the kitchen table and then put it away when I'm done. But I have fabric, notions, etc that need a home. Any ideas?