We went to try out the new Japanese restaurant that opened. Before this the nearest one was forty miles away. I figured out that since I was a regular at the other place, I expected everything to taste the same, and was a little disappointed. Had I never had any of the food like that before, I would have LOVED it. But realizing that, I decided that the difference in it is fine compared to driving so far to the other place.
I don't want to get so set in my ways that I can't enjoy a change when it happens. My kids say when I always order the same thing at whatever place I go. Like I have a favorite meal there, and order that whenever I go. I have an Olive Garden favorite (Chicken Giardino), a Cafe Berlin favorite (Gypsy Schitnzel) etc. I believe in finding something good and sticking with it. ha.
I think this is the first post I have done that made me hungry.
I have some Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream in the freezer. Yummmmmm........
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Musings
Night Thoughts
Burrowing deeper into the mattress
I try to force consciousness away,
But it arises prematurely like the dawn
And the quietness of my mind churns awake
Unkind thoughts, like a shroud, choke and suffocate
Terrible creature, poor excuse for a human being,
An ever-growing laundry list of life errors
And the heaviness forces me to rise
No rest or forgiveness for the weary tonight
by Forest Lady
Sweet Song Soul Music
Restlessness tugs nagging at my hem,
Tense shoulders and quicker breaths,
My soul pleading for comfort.
So I reach for the soother,
Lay it across my lap and begin to strum.
And the melody floats up and twirls
Like a young girl’s skirt billowing.
I hear my deep sigh above the angel tune
My soul is at peace again
by Forest Lady
Alice and the Looking Glass
Looked into the looking glass today,
Like Alice, and it must have been her.
It wasn’t me, that face looking back
Who is she? Where did she come from?
She’s tricky. Hiding her with face cream
Just makes her wrinkles softer.
I sit down and think young girl thoughts
And wonder who the imposter is in the mirror.
by Forest Lady
Burrowing deeper into the mattress
I try to force consciousness away,
But it arises prematurely like the dawn
And the quietness of my mind churns awake
Unkind thoughts, like a shroud, choke and suffocate
Terrible creature, poor excuse for a human being,
An ever-growing laundry list of life errors
And the heaviness forces me to rise
No rest or forgiveness for the weary tonight
by Forest Lady
Sweet Song Soul Music
Restlessness tugs nagging at my hem,
Tense shoulders and quicker breaths,
My soul pleading for comfort.
So I reach for the soother,
Lay it across my lap and begin to strum.
And the melody floats up and twirls
Like a young girl’s skirt billowing.
I hear my deep sigh above the angel tune
My soul is at peace again
by Forest Lady
Alice and the Looking Glass
Looked into the looking glass today,
Like Alice, and it must have been her.
It wasn’t me, that face looking back
Who is she? Where did she come from?
She’s tricky. Hiding her with face cream
Just makes her wrinkles softer.
I sit down and think young girl thoughts
And wonder who the imposter is in the mirror.
by Forest Lady
Long Boring Day
Sometimes I just NEED a boring day. Got up early, too early. Tried to go back to bed but it didn't work. Finally got back up.
Looked up mindless stuff on Google. Made burgers for lunch. Played with the dog. Watched the Exorcist. Made spaghetti for dinner. Did some dishes. Washed the shower curtain from the upstairs bath. Read all my friends' blog entries for the last few days. (SEE HOW BORING? I BET YOU'RE ASLEEP NOW JUST READING IT!)
Now my husband is watching some dumb guy movie on tv, and I'm just trying to figure out something to do so I don't go totally stir-crazy.
Looked up mindless stuff on Google. Made burgers for lunch. Played with the dog. Watched the Exorcist. Made spaghetti for dinner. Did some dishes. Washed the shower curtain from the upstairs bath. Read all my friends' blog entries for the last few days. (SEE HOW BORING? I BET YOU'RE ASLEEP NOW JUST READING IT!)
Now my husband is watching some dumb guy movie on tv, and I'm just trying to figure out something to do so I don't go totally stir-crazy.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Pet Peeves 1-25
1. Those subscription cards they stick in magazines. Not just one, but five thousand fall out in your lap while you're trying to read. Enough already!
2. People who let their kids scream and scream and scream in restaurants. Haven't they ever heard of the "I'll take you outside and beat you to death if you don't hush" routine? Worked for mine.
3. People whose kids tell them what to do, all the time. It's like the inmates are running the prison. ha.
4. People who keep those pig sty house on "How Clean is your House". They shouldn't have tv people come in and clean it up for them. They should have a health department worker come in and condemn it. Come on people, clean up your own crap.
5. Doctors offices who overbook, so you have to sit and wait for hours every time. Don't tell me to come at 2 when you know I won't get in until 4. My time is valuable. I could be home with my feet up watching tv!
6. People who bid on ebay and don't pay.
7. Family who discusses you, discusses your life, spreads gossip throughout your relatives. Other than my husband and kids, relatives should be illegal.
8. Skinny people who say they eat all they want but can't seem to gain weight. You know they don't go to heaven. They've already had it here.
9. Bimbos. Or smart people who choose to act like bimbos. They should all be shot, too.
10. Super religious people, the "kum-ba-ya" hari shrishna, kind. The ones who have the answer if you'll just listen to them and give them your money.
11. People who ask to borrow money but choose not to have a job. If you need money, get a job. If you don't want to work, then shut up.
12. Shopping crowds, like the day after Thanksgiving sales. Ya'll should all stay home and let me go. When I'm finished, I'll tell you and you can stampede.
13. People who don't change their babies diapers. I hate to see babies walking around with twenty pound diapers sagging from their butts.
14. Lawyers. All of them.
15. Commercials. Yes we got Tivo. I still hate even having to fast forward through the things.
16. People who think we should put more money into the school's football program when the kids going there can't read. As long as he can make a touchdown, he's on the right track....yeah right...
17. Snack stuff in industrial bags that you can't open with your fists, your teeth, or by running over them with a Mack truck. I just want my potato chips! Gimme!
18. People who would never make fun of poor people but have no problem making fun of rich ones. Hey I'm not rich, but I wouldn't mind it. Would you?
19. Guys with huge guts making fun of fat women. Hey guy, look down. You tools haven't seen sunshine in years because of the shed over them. Get a life.
20. Movie star/ pop star/ rock star addicts. I don't care if Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston broke up. I don't care if he is arrested in a public restroom doing God knows what. I DON'T CARE.
21. Kids who throw away their lives. I know you hate school. But you'll be glad you went. Trust me on this. No one ever regretted later in life actually learning something. Use your brain for something besides keeping your ears apart.
22. People who drive slow in the fast lane.
23. People who exploit workers by paying them next to nothing. Minimum wage is birdfeed. Pay people what they are worth. If you can't afford to pay them well, don't hire them. Do the work yourself.
24. Motels. I was ok with this until I heard a woman on the radio talk about motel cooties. They change the sheets, yes. But do they ever change that bedspread? No... And people who just come there to have sex, do they pull the bedspread off to do it? No....And she said testing was done in one motel and do you know what the filthiest thing in it was? The remote...You wouldn't believe what they found on the remotes...Maids don't clean those....Now I've got you thinking about it, don't I....
25. People who wear too much makeup. Boy George and Tammy Fay Baker style. What's under there? Oh my GAWD.
2. People who let their kids scream and scream and scream in restaurants. Haven't they ever heard of the "I'll take you outside and beat you to death if you don't hush" routine? Worked for mine.
3. People whose kids tell them what to do, all the time. It's like the inmates are running the prison. ha.
4. People who keep those pig sty house on "How Clean is your House". They shouldn't have tv people come in and clean it up for them. They should have a health department worker come in and condemn it. Come on people, clean up your own crap.
5. Doctors offices who overbook, so you have to sit and wait for hours every time. Don't tell me to come at 2 when you know I won't get in until 4. My time is valuable. I could be home with my feet up watching tv!
6. People who bid on ebay and don't pay.
7. Family who discusses you, discusses your life, spreads gossip throughout your relatives. Other than my husband and kids, relatives should be illegal.
8. Skinny people who say they eat all they want but can't seem to gain weight. You know they don't go to heaven. They've already had it here.
9. Bimbos. Or smart people who choose to act like bimbos. They should all be shot, too.
10. Super religious people, the "kum-ba-ya" hari shrishna, kind. The ones who have the answer if you'll just listen to them and give them your money.
11. People who ask to borrow money but choose not to have a job. If you need money, get a job. If you don't want to work, then shut up.
12. Shopping crowds, like the day after Thanksgiving sales. Ya'll should all stay home and let me go. When I'm finished, I'll tell you and you can stampede.
13. People who don't change their babies diapers. I hate to see babies walking around with twenty pound diapers sagging from their butts.
14. Lawyers. All of them.
15. Commercials. Yes we got Tivo. I still hate even having to fast forward through the things.
16. People who think we should put more money into the school's football program when the kids going there can't read. As long as he can make a touchdown, he's on the right track....yeah right...
17. Snack stuff in industrial bags that you can't open with your fists, your teeth, or by running over them with a Mack truck. I just want my potato chips! Gimme!
18. People who would never make fun of poor people but have no problem making fun of rich ones. Hey I'm not rich, but I wouldn't mind it. Would you?
19. Guys with huge guts making fun of fat women. Hey guy, look down. You tools haven't seen sunshine in years because of the shed over them. Get a life.
20. Movie star/ pop star/ rock star addicts. I don't care if Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston broke up. I don't care if he is arrested in a public restroom doing God knows what. I DON'T CARE.
21. Kids who throw away their lives. I know you hate school. But you'll be glad you went. Trust me on this. No one ever regretted later in life actually learning something. Use your brain for something besides keeping your ears apart.
22. People who drive slow in the fast lane.
23. People who exploit workers by paying them next to nothing. Minimum wage is birdfeed. Pay people what they are worth. If you can't afford to pay them well, don't hire them. Do the work yourself.
24. Motels. I was ok with this until I heard a woman on the radio talk about motel cooties. They change the sheets, yes. But do they ever change that bedspread? No... And people who just come there to have sex, do they pull the bedspread off to do it? No....And she said testing was done in one motel and do you know what the filthiest thing in it was? The remote...You wouldn't believe what they found on the remotes...Maids don't clean those....Now I've got you thinking about it, don't I....
25. People who wear too much makeup. Boy George and Tammy Fay Baker style. What's under there? Oh my GAWD.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Friends and Hibernating Bears
I was never a person who had a lot of friends, usually only one good one, and when you are growing up and in a world where it's just parents and friends your age, and it is sort of an "us or them" mentality when it comes to parents, friends are really necessary. Then as my life progressed, and I married really young, had kids, and stayed home for years with no car, meeting people to make friends with was difficult and I learned to do fine by myself.
Throughout my life, I met people I worked with and would get to be friends, but there always seemed to be a point at which they felt it was ok to call or come by at will, and I would go through my "hiberation times" when that would feel so intrusive. So then I would gently discourage the friendship and eventually they would give up on me and go away.
I have had one friend who stuck it out through all that, even my "black out" periods. We met when my oldest child was four (she's now twenty-seven). So at that time we had a lot in common. Now she has a very large family, I don't. She's pretty religious, I'm not. She's been married to one jerk for over twenty-five years. I've been married to a bunch of jerks but none for that long. (The one I have now is definitely NOT a jerk.) So she and I don't have an awful lot of our current life in common, but what we do have is a total understanding of how each other is. And we tell each other the truth. Even when its hard to hear.
When I was going through a very self-destructive period in my life, I'd have days when I'd feel so much shame for being a lousy mother or lousy sister, or just lousy everything. She told me once that the person I was being lousy to was ME. That I was disrespecting myself. That was hard to hear. At the time I didn't really care if I disrespected myself or not. She encouraged me to get into counseling and encouraged me to go. She listened when I failed over and over to progress to something with a semblance of normal. She stuck by me.
Now I'm at a good place. I have a great husband who loves me. I have great kids. I'm a stay at home person now, no job outside the home. I'm able to pursue hobbies, and read books, and have alone time. And I miss my friend. So we're trying now to reconnect.
We had an hour long conversation yesterday and she's been having a really hard time. I just hope she can hang in there with me. I haven't had a really down time in quite awhile. I like being home, isolating to a certain degree, but I'm finally enjoying some things that get me out of the house and I enjoy talking to her on the phone or visiting, which is a huge step for me.
I know I have to be a friend as well as have a friend. It's just hard to do.
Throughout my life, I met people I worked with and would get to be friends, but there always seemed to be a point at which they felt it was ok to call or come by at will, and I would go through my "hiberation times" when that would feel so intrusive. So then I would gently discourage the friendship and eventually they would give up on me and go away.
I have had one friend who stuck it out through all that, even my "black out" periods. We met when my oldest child was four (she's now twenty-seven). So at that time we had a lot in common. Now she has a very large family, I don't. She's pretty religious, I'm not. She's been married to one jerk for over twenty-five years. I've been married to a bunch of jerks but none for that long. (The one I have now is definitely NOT a jerk.) So she and I don't have an awful lot of our current life in common, but what we do have is a total understanding of how each other is. And we tell each other the truth. Even when its hard to hear.
When I was going through a very self-destructive period in my life, I'd have days when I'd feel so much shame for being a lousy mother or lousy sister, or just lousy everything. She told me once that the person I was being lousy to was ME. That I was disrespecting myself. That was hard to hear. At the time I didn't really care if I disrespected myself or not. She encouraged me to get into counseling and encouraged me to go. She listened when I failed over and over to progress to something with a semblance of normal. She stuck by me.
Now I'm at a good place. I have a great husband who loves me. I have great kids. I'm a stay at home person now, no job outside the home. I'm able to pursue hobbies, and read books, and have alone time. And I miss my friend. So we're trying now to reconnect.
We had an hour long conversation yesterday and she's been having a really hard time. I just hope she can hang in there with me. I haven't had a really down time in quite awhile. I like being home, isolating to a certain degree, but I'm finally enjoying some things that get me out of the house and I enjoy talking to her on the phone or visiting, which is a huge step for me.
I know I have to be a friend as well as have a friend. It's just hard to do.
Monday, January 24, 2005
White Hair and Calico
My granny would have been 103 today, had she lived that long. I lost her thirteen years ago. And even though she said she was going to a better place, I know this one was never as good with her gone.
She was one of the only people I've ever met who never said one bad word about anyone. She was the kindest person I have ever known.
Why is it the sweet, kind, giving ones always seemed to get the bad end of the deal? She was the oldest of eight children, and even though she loved school (and was good at it) she had to quit when she was in third grade, because girls were needed more at home for cooking, canning, and taking care of the house and other kids than they needed an education.
Her father used to beat her. Spare the rod and spoil the child was a common theme in the South until not long ago. But many parents took that rod thing a little too seriously. Her father once chased her up a tree with his threats of an imminent beating, and she stayed up there so long she dozed off and fell out of the tree. She had back problems the rest of her life.
She married to get away from that. She was twenty-two, which in rural Alabama in 1924, was an old maid. She met my grandfather at church, which proves even the devil goes to church. He was eighteen and if God could make an opposite of her in the male gender he was it. From the day they married, he ran around with every woman who would have him, and she forgave him and repeatedly let him come back home. She said women needed men to make a living. And they did. So even though he only worked when he could crawl out of bed long enough to, I guess to her it was enough.
She kept the cleanest house I've ever seen. It was simple; they never had much. I guess in some ways that made it easier. When she died, she was wearing her old house dress and undies with holes, while all the new things she had gotten for gifts were still wrapped in the boxes. She didn't throw anything away that still had usefulness in it.
She wore gingham dresses when she dressed up, calico housecoats when she didn't. Unlike me, she always had on shoes.
She believed only lazy or sick people ever went back to bed before bedtime, so her naps, which she denied, took place in her easy chair in front of one of her "stories" on television.
She was never famous, or famously talented. She will never be remembered for any great scientific breakthrough, but her kind of woman is the kind that makes a real difference in the lives of people she touches. Knowing her changed me. Made me want to be better. Made me sorry I did things that would have disappointed her. Made me want to teach my kids to be more like her, to not forget her.
I miss her very much. Today was her birthday, January 24. Happy Birthday, Granny.
She was one of the only people I've ever met who never said one bad word about anyone. She was the kindest person I have ever known.
Why is it the sweet, kind, giving ones always seemed to get the bad end of the deal? She was the oldest of eight children, and even though she loved school (and was good at it) she had to quit when she was in third grade, because girls were needed more at home for cooking, canning, and taking care of the house and other kids than they needed an education.
Her father used to beat her. Spare the rod and spoil the child was a common theme in the South until not long ago. But many parents took that rod thing a little too seriously. Her father once chased her up a tree with his threats of an imminent beating, and she stayed up there so long she dozed off and fell out of the tree. She had back problems the rest of her life.
She married to get away from that. She was twenty-two, which in rural Alabama in 1924, was an old maid. She met my grandfather at church, which proves even the devil goes to church. He was eighteen and if God could make an opposite of her in the male gender he was it. From the day they married, he ran around with every woman who would have him, and she forgave him and repeatedly let him come back home. She said women needed men to make a living. And they did. So even though he only worked when he could crawl out of bed long enough to, I guess to her it was enough.
She kept the cleanest house I've ever seen. It was simple; they never had much. I guess in some ways that made it easier. When she died, she was wearing her old house dress and undies with holes, while all the new things she had gotten for gifts were still wrapped in the boxes. She didn't throw anything away that still had usefulness in it.
She wore gingham dresses when she dressed up, calico housecoats when she didn't. Unlike me, she always had on shoes.
She believed only lazy or sick people ever went back to bed before bedtime, so her naps, which she denied, took place in her easy chair in front of one of her "stories" on television.
She was never famous, or famously talented. She will never be remembered for any great scientific breakthrough, but her kind of woman is the kind that makes a real difference in the lives of people she touches. Knowing her changed me. Made me want to be better. Made me sorry I did things that would have disappointed her. Made me want to teach my kids to be more like her, to not forget her.
I miss her very much. Today was her birthday, January 24. Happy Birthday, Granny.
Friday, January 21, 2005
What a Good Day is Like
Last night we went to a dulcimer jam. I brought my husband along because I wanted to go so that I could take their free class and then attempt to play some of the songs. I felt sort of bad for him just sitting there, and of course even though I was having a ball, I felt guilty for dragging him along. I really didn't think he would actually be enjoying it. When we got to the car, he said not only did he enjoy it but he actually thought he'd like to get one and learn to play! So I was THRILLED. I think it's soooo much fun, and it would be doubly so if we could both do it.
So today, I told him we should go look at dulcimers for him, and he was all for it.
We went to visit my dulcimer teacher, who also is a luthier (a person who makes stringed instruments- see you learned a new word!). He taught hubby a simple song and let him go through his huge selection of dulcimers, playing them. Hubby finally found one he liked, and while he was trying them, I also found one I LOVED. We had the money with us to buy one, but not two. Plus I have one, just not a cedar full sized one with a great "voice" like this one had... Well to make a long story short, we decided to take both of them, so I got another duclimer! We worked out the financial part and both came home with new dulcimers in new cases, with new books, new straps, etc etc, all the goodies.
Wait, this gets better! While we were there, I mentioned the classes I've been taking from this teacher on Tuesday nights, and he said my husband should go to them. So he got on the phone with the community ed lady, and she agreed to his late enrollment. Then the teacher sat in his living room and taught him both of the classes he had missed. So now he's registered to go with me this week. He's all caught up, plus he's all excited about the songs he already knows. And he's planning more festivals we can go to. We even talked about when he retires, buying a travel trailer, so we can go to them all over the US and not have to stay in a motel "with other people's cooties."
So since my daughter commented that my blog seems to reflect my being really happy or really down from day to day, I wanted to title this one, what a good day is like!
So today, I told him we should go look at dulcimers for him, and he was all for it.
We went to visit my dulcimer teacher, who also is a luthier (a person who makes stringed instruments- see you learned a new word!). He taught hubby a simple song and let him go through his huge selection of dulcimers, playing them. Hubby finally found one he liked, and while he was trying them, I also found one I LOVED. We had the money with us to buy one, but not two. Plus I have one, just not a cedar full sized one with a great "voice" like this one had... Well to make a long story short, we decided to take both of them, so I got another duclimer! We worked out the financial part and both came home with new dulcimers in new cases, with new books, new straps, etc etc, all the goodies.
Wait, this gets better! While we were there, I mentioned the classes I've been taking from this teacher on Tuesday nights, and he said my husband should go to them. So he got on the phone with the community ed lady, and she agreed to his late enrollment. Then the teacher sat in his living room and taught him both of the classes he had missed. So now he's registered to go with me this week. He's all caught up, plus he's all excited about the songs he already knows. And he's planning more festivals we can go to. We even talked about when he retires, buying a travel trailer, so we can go to them all over the US and not have to stay in a motel "with other people's cooties."
So since my daughter commented that my blog seems to reflect my being really happy or really down from day to day, I wanted to title this one, what a good day is like!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Today is my daughter's birthday. She's twenty-seven today. I know everyone says, "It seems like only yesterday.....blah blah..." but hey, it really does seem like only yesterday that I was told she was going to have to be delivered early because I had developed toxemia during my pregnancy. They tried to induce labor but I just didn't progress that way, so they decided to do a C-Section. I was only eight months pregnant but they said because of the toxemia being so bad, she was probably not even as developed as a 8 month fetus should be. I was twenty-one years old and scared. I was afraid of the surgery, afraid of being put to sleep, afraid she wouldn't be ok. I miscarried the first pregnancy and knew I couldn't live through losing this baby too.
Well they wheeled me into the operating room, and before they put me to sleep, the OB said they needed to get me to sign papers saying they could transfer her to another hospital at birth to a neonatal ICU. He informed me he "just didn't think she was going to do well." I asked when they would take her. She said immediately. I asked, "Before I even get to see her?" And he said yes, it would have to be immediately.
So I went to sleep, and it seemed like only minutes later, I woke up in recovery. The first thing I asked was what did I have? And they told me it was a girl. I asked how long ago she was born and they said two hours. Then I said, "Where is she?" They said they didn't know, but could go find out if I wanted them to. I practically screamed, "GO FIND OUT!" After a while they came back and told me she was still at this hospital. I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I knew if she had been critical, she would have been moved to the other hospital by then, so she must be ok.
The first time I got to see her, they brought her to me all swaddled in a tiny blanket, with only her face showing. I knew immediately she was mine. She had been crying but she stopped when I took her.
I was curious. I wanted to see her fingers and toes, etc, so I decided to unwrap her. About the time I got the blanket pulled back, this big ugly nurse rushes into the room yelling at me for unwrapping her. She reminded me that the baby had to stay warm. They rushed her back to the nursery and I cried that I had done something wrong to the baby.
Those tears were only the first. I cried for the first six months of her life, scared everytime she cried that I was doing something wrong. At first, my mom would call and I would be crying and she would tell me how it was normal and called the "baby blues" and things would get better. Then later she would just call and tell me I had to stop that. ha. I just wanted to be a good mommy and I just didn't think I could do it all right.
Somehow she survived. She developed normally, despite all my OB's dire predictions about abnormal development being possible. She walked early, talked early, and was and is the smartest kid you've ever met (so are her brothers).
When she graduated from high school, she made a speech for her senior class and she looked so poised up there. Then when I stood and watched her get married, I cried again like a baby.
I am so proud of the woman she's become.
Well they wheeled me into the operating room, and before they put me to sleep, the OB said they needed to get me to sign papers saying they could transfer her to another hospital at birth to a neonatal ICU. He informed me he "just didn't think she was going to do well." I asked when they would take her. She said immediately. I asked, "Before I even get to see her?" And he said yes, it would have to be immediately.
So I went to sleep, and it seemed like only minutes later, I woke up in recovery. The first thing I asked was what did I have? And they told me it was a girl. I asked how long ago she was born and they said two hours. Then I said, "Where is she?" They said they didn't know, but could go find out if I wanted them to. I practically screamed, "GO FIND OUT!" After a while they came back and told me she was still at this hospital. I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I knew if she had been critical, she would have been moved to the other hospital by then, so she must be ok.
The first time I got to see her, they brought her to me all swaddled in a tiny blanket, with only her face showing. I knew immediately she was mine. She had been crying but she stopped when I took her.
I was curious. I wanted to see her fingers and toes, etc, so I decided to unwrap her. About the time I got the blanket pulled back, this big ugly nurse rushes into the room yelling at me for unwrapping her. She reminded me that the baby had to stay warm. They rushed her back to the nursery and I cried that I had done something wrong to the baby.
Those tears were only the first. I cried for the first six months of her life, scared everytime she cried that I was doing something wrong. At first, my mom would call and I would be crying and she would tell me how it was normal and called the "baby blues" and things would get better. Then later she would just call and tell me I had to stop that. ha. I just wanted to be a good mommy and I just didn't think I could do it all right.
Somehow she survived. She developed normally, despite all my OB's dire predictions about abnormal development being possible. She walked early, talked early, and was and is the smartest kid you've ever met (so are her brothers).
When she graduated from high school, she made a speech for her senior class and she looked so poised up there. Then when I stood and watched her get married, I cried again like a baby.
I am so proud of the woman she's become.
Confidence is back, yeah right
Well my dulcimer teacher thought I did great tonight at class. He said he could tell I had been practicing and I was the only one he didn't have to correct anything on the whole evening. Plus he liked the McSpadden I had bought, and even asked if he could play it. (I let him play it but I am soooo possessive of it. ) So I guess my self-confidence is back.
Why is it that I base my self-worth on what others think, when I know that is totally subjective. One day I'm great and the next day I'm not. Just based on whether someone said something nice to me that day or not. I guess that's what co-dependence is, but what the heck do you do to change it. I can be really assertive and say I don't give a #$% what anyone thinks, but the truth is I really do. When I was working, if someone told me I did a great job, or had an amazing idea, or whatever-the slightest praise- and I ate that up. But criticism does me in. Totally.
I had a counselor say once to think of in what context I could handle criticism well. There isn't one. I guess that means I'm extremely thin-skinned. I just hide it well around others, usually.
Plus I have this super-long memory. If you ever said someone really mean to me, even if it was twenty years ago, I still remember the exact words you said. My first ex-husband said a LOT of mean things to me, and I still remember those in great detail. And even though I proved to MYSELF that I was not the things he said (stupid for one), it still bothers me to think that someone else thought that.....
Why is it that I base my self-worth on what others think, when I know that is totally subjective. One day I'm great and the next day I'm not. Just based on whether someone said something nice to me that day or not. I guess that's what co-dependence is, but what the heck do you do to change it. I can be really assertive and say I don't give a #$% what anyone thinks, but the truth is I really do. When I was working, if someone told me I did a great job, or had an amazing idea, or whatever-the slightest praise- and I ate that up. But criticism does me in. Totally.
I had a counselor say once to think of in what context I could handle criticism well. There isn't one. I guess that means I'm extremely thin-skinned. I just hide it well around others, usually.
Plus I have this super-long memory. If you ever said someone really mean to me, even if it was twenty years ago, I still remember the exact words you said. My first ex-husband said a LOT of mean things to me, and I still remember those in great detail. And even though I proved to MYSELF that I was not the things he said (stupid for one), it still bothers me to think that someone else thought that.....
Monday, January 17, 2005
Weekend Trip to a Dulcimer Festival
My husband had a long weekend off from work, so we decided to board the dog and take off for parts unknown. I found a dulcimer festival in GA this weekend, and since that's my newest interest I thought it would be fun to go and hear people play. It was a long drive but we really enjoyed the time in the car, just talking and riding. When we arrived there, I was surprised to see there was a tent outside where they were giving free lessons for a small group of newbies like me, but they seemed to be pretty far along and I didn't want to interrupt them by coming in late. So on Saturday, we just listened to the other players jam, and it was great. People who know how to play make it look so EASY and FUN. Plus, they had other instruments there, like a bass, a guitar, mandolin, dulci-banjo, harmonica, etc. There were all ages of people, young and old. It was really neat to watch.
We stayed in a motel overnight and went back to the festival the next day. We got there early because I hoped they would have those beginner classes again and I could get in on them. I brought my dulcimer with me. Well the tent wasn't even up outside, so we went on in. There was a nice man giving some lessons inside since there weren't many people there yet. He began by telling me that my dulcimer was not in the key they usually played in, so he retuned it to DAdd. That was fine except my ear was used to the way the notes sounded with the other tuning so it really messed up my mind trying to figure out what to fret. They began playing a song they had evidently learned the day before, which I had never heard of. It was really fast, and I was TOTALLY lost. I was embarrassed, plus my husband was looking on as well as other people. I don't do well in a group setting anyway, and I really felt freaked. Finally I snuck away and we sat over toward the back of the room as other players got there and they set up to jam together. I put my dulcimer under my seat. Well the man who had been helping us walked by and said, "That thing won't play in the case. Get it out." I did, and he pulled up a chair and started trying to help me again. I had a NEW group of other people watching then. I was almost in a panic but I was trying to smile and go along. I was messing up really bad. When he went back to play with the others, I packed up and we left. I really do appreciate his being friendly and trying to help me. I just felt so out of place, and conspicuous. Plus I felt like a bumbling idiot because I wasn't catching on to the things he was showing me. Since I've got home, I have tried to play but it seems like my strings don't sound right. Then I read that if you change them to DAdd and then back to DAaa which is what my regular teacher has us play in, it can stretch out the strings and they won't sound right. So now I'm wondering if I should change out the strings. I've never changed them before. I'm really afraid I'll mess that up too. I seem to have lost all my self confidence, but I'm not sure when or where. I know I really want to learn to play this. I know I've just got to hang in there.
We stayed in a motel overnight and went back to the festival the next day. We got there early because I hoped they would have those beginner classes again and I could get in on them. I brought my dulcimer with me. Well the tent wasn't even up outside, so we went on in. There was a nice man giving some lessons inside since there weren't many people there yet. He began by telling me that my dulcimer was not in the key they usually played in, so he retuned it to DAdd. That was fine except my ear was used to the way the notes sounded with the other tuning so it really messed up my mind trying to figure out what to fret. They began playing a song they had evidently learned the day before, which I had never heard of. It was really fast, and I was TOTALLY lost. I was embarrassed, plus my husband was looking on as well as other people. I don't do well in a group setting anyway, and I really felt freaked. Finally I snuck away and we sat over toward the back of the room as other players got there and they set up to jam together. I put my dulcimer under my seat. Well the man who had been helping us walked by and said, "That thing won't play in the case. Get it out." I did, and he pulled up a chair and started trying to help me again. I had a NEW group of other people watching then. I was almost in a panic but I was trying to smile and go along. I was messing up really bad. When he went back to play with the others, I packed up and we left. I really do appreciate his being friendly and trying to help me. I just felt so out of place, and conspicuous. Plus I felt like a bumbling idiot because I wasn't catching on to the things he was showing me. Since I've got home, I have tried to play but it seems like my strings don't sound right. Then I read that if you change them to DAdd and then back to DAaa which is what my regular teacher has us play in, it can stretch out the strings and they won't sound right. So now I'm wondering if I should change out the strings. I've never changed them before. I'm really afraid I'll mess that up too. I seem to have lost all my self confidence, but I'm not sure when or where. I know I really want to learn to play this. I know I've just got to hang in there.
Friday, January 14, 2005
When I Grow Up I Want to Be....
I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was back at work, at the office job where I used to work until last July. I had heard my boss was hiring these two employees, and I had gone into his office to talk to him about policy changes. I told him I thought, as office manager, that we needed to have them submit all work by me before turning in reports, so that I could look them over. He said, "Don't you mean have Pam look them over?" I said, "No. I meant me." He said, "You don't mean you." Then it was like I remembered all at once that here I am sitting in his office, telling him how things need to be done, when I don't work there anymore. I had forgotten that I quit working there. I felt totally humiliated. Then I woke up.
I realized this dream upset me more than the ordinary, "Oh, that's weird. ha ha. Forget it." kind of dream. So I sat down and thought about it. (I have way too much time on my hands now.) I realize that I am lucky to have been able to quit my job. I used to love it a lot before my boss brought in his wife as another supervisor. She's a heifer. (You women from the South know what that means.) Then she was so domineering and overbearing and LOUD that she made me crazy just to be around her. So after the first time (or second or third) time I cried away my lunch break in my car, my husband said to tell her to shove it and go home. So I did. Well I did it in a nice way, since I may want a reference on it later. And I don't regret not having to work with her. And I don't really miss the people I used to work around. Not really. Not like I thought I would. I guess what I miss is feeling like what I am doing contributes to SOMETHING. Feeling like I'm valuable in some way. When I quit, I couldn't wait to have some time for me. To do what I wanted. To read, to take classes that interested me. To journal. To do whatever my little heart desired. And I do enjoy all of that. I really do. I don't really want to go back to work. I'm not sure what I want. I guess that's the main problem. I don't seem to be happy with anything for very long. I have very few constants in my life that really make me happy. My husband, my kids. So I guess that's why the dream upset me. But I still have the feeling that there's some "Ah-HA!" thing I'm just not understanding here........
I think that's why I seem to get on so many tangents. And why I don't seem to stick with anything for very long. I would write some brilliant ending for this blog entry, but I seem fresh out of brilliance today.
I'll just close it and go to Curves and do my workout.
I realized this dream upset me more than the ordinary, "Oh, that's weird. ha ha. Forget it." kind of dream. So I sat down and thought about it. (I have way too much time on my hands now.) I realize that I am lucky to have been able to quit my job. I used to love it a lot before my boss brought in his wife as another supervisor. She's a heifer. (You women from the South know what that means.) Then she was so domineering and overbearing and LOUD that she made me crazy just to be around her. So after the first time (or second or third) time I cried away my lunch break in my car, my husband said to tell her to shove it and go home. So I did. Well I did it in a nice way, since I may want a reference on it later. And I don't regret not having to work with her. And I don't really miss the people I used to work around. Not really. Not like I thought I would. I guess what I miss is feeling like what I am doing contributes to SOMETHING. Feeling like I'm valuable in some way. When I quit, I couldn't wait to have some time for me. To do what I wanted. To read, to take classes that interested me. To journal. To do whatever my little heart desired. And I do enjoy all of that. I really do. I don't really want to go back to work. I'm not sure what I want. I guess that's the main problem. I don't seem to be happy with anything for very long. I have very few constants in my life that really make me happy. My husband, my kids. So I guess that's why the dream upset me. But I still have the feeling that there's some "Ah-HA!" thing I'm just not understanding here........
I think that's why I seem to get on so many tangents. And why I don't seem to stick with anything for very long. I would write some brilliant ending for this blog entry, but I seem fresh out of brilliance today.
I'll just close it and go to Curves and do my workout.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Just a Dulcimer 'N Fool
I LOVE this ginger sized (3/4 size) dulcimer I got from McSpadden. It sounds so much better than the other one I borrowed from my dulcimer teacher. It sounds so smooth and mellow, even with me playing it. It's really easy to learn. I already know three songs pretty well. I can't believe I didn't do this years ago. I've seen the beginning dulcimer classes in the community ed brochures for years and have thought about it many times. But having tried the piano, and thinking it was sooo hard to read music, this "playing mostly by ear" is right down my alley.
We're even going to a Dulcimer Jam in Appling GA this weekend. I want to hear it played by people who know how. If you've ever wanted to play something, the dulcimer is declared to be "the easiest string instrument to play." Hey, if I can do it, anyone can. Of course, you have to like country music, or gospel, or irish, or celtic, or make up your own! I even saw a Beatles song book for the dulcimer.
It's really nice to be excited about something. My life has been BORRRRing lately.
We're even going to a Dulcimer Jam in Appling GA this weekend. I want to hear it played by people who know how. If you've ever wanted to play something, the dulcimer is declared to be "the easiest string instrument to play." Hey, if I can do it, anyone can. Of course, you have to like country music, or gospel, or irish, or celtic, or make up your own! I even saw a Beatles song book for the dulcimer.
It's really nice to be excited about something. My life has been BORRRRing lately.
Monday, January 10, 2005
A Monday in the New Year
Well I decided to cancel the math class I was planning to take at Calhoun. I enrolled in it just for fun, as it was a class I had before (years ago). Yes, I know that officially makes me really weird to sign up for math for fun. But hey, you get your kudos by what you are good at. Anyway, I signed up for dulcimer lessons instead. And my husband bought me one. It's a McSpadden, which is suppose to be a really good one, and I love the way the clip sounds they have. I can't wait to get it. Here's a picture of it. Dulcimer and here's how it sounds
Also, I decided one of the reasons I feel so tired all the time is lack of exercise, and I joined Curves. I go three times a week for a 30 minute workout, and I already feel better after the first week. They do BMI, actual body mass weight (minus fat), etc, and it was really badddddd.... So maybe this will improve things. I love blogging. I can read my daughter's and get an almost daily update on how they are doing. Even with email we don't keep in touch as often as I would like. My youngest son said his New Years resolution is to call me more. How about that.
Also, I decided one of the reasons I feel so tired all the time is lack of exercise, and I joined Curves. I go three times a week for a 30 minute workout, and I already feel better after the first week. They do BMI, actual body mass weight (minus fat), etc, and it was really badddddd.... So maybe this will improve things. I love blogging. I can read my daughter's and get an almost daily update on how they are doing. Even with email we don't keep in touch as often as I would like. My youngest son said his New Years resolution is to call me more. How about that.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Way Cool Products #1
Alarm clocks that blare you out of bed are my pet peeve. I'm not THAT difficult to wake up, people! Just nudge me or better yet....buy me one of these! These rate on the top of my way cool things to have, at least this week. http://www.now-zen.com/Zen_Clock.html
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