No Place Like Home

I have this thing about my home. I have to have things uncluttered and put away, so that tables are cleaned off, furniture is minimal, accessories are kept to a minimum, everything is neutral, and spacious. I married a guy who likes clutter, or at least isn't bothered by it, who hates to throw away anything, and who thinks you should never get rid of any furniture because you just might need it later. Now....combine this scenario...I had a three bedroom townhome, decorated the way I wanted, with adequate furniture....He had a house filled to the brim with who knows what, and we decide to combine households.
Now its two years later, and I sit here and realize a lot of my depression is because of this house. I've gone between feeling like he should get rid of his stuff because there's no room, to feeling like I'm being a bitch and should get rid of mine. I've done both, we've moved, removed, and compromised and now settled down to what is in here now, and he's estatic with it. And I HATE IT.
I realized yesterday I feel totally claustropobic in my home. There is no room I can retreat into that I don't feel like there's so much furniture it's hard to turn around.
Every surface is covered and there's no place to put anything. I clean things off, pitch, and empty out closets, and within two weeks he brings in more stuff or I do, or we both do, and it just piles up again. I've gone from we need more storage, to we need to purge this stuff, to we need to move, to I need to run away from home.
I don't feel happy here. Moving is not an option. So do I put my foot down and say get rid of this stuff? Do I sit here and suffocate? Do I try to just deal with it?
I've come to realize that I have to control my surroundings. I think that comes from feeling like I'm not in control of other things in life but THIS I can. You know?
And if I was happy here, and had my neutral minimal look I want, he'd not be comfortable.
Now, this is the hard part of marriage. Or at least for me. And I've heard a lot of women say they'll never remarry because they couldn't stand someone moving their stuff into their bathroom (same principle).
However, there has to be some way to deal with this.

My new baby 

I've got rhythm....I've got music.....I've got my guy, who could ask for anything more?

I went to my music class. My teacher had each of us play something. Then he told me I was "just banging away at the strumming" and "had no rhythm", and that I played like his wife, who "does the same thing" (she was sitting there, too). Ok, so I thought maybe last week I was being overly sensitive. However, even my husband agreed that he was picking on me and that it was uncalled for, and that he had noticed several times he picked on his wife the same way, and that maybe this guy is just an asshole. Which I'm sure he is. I mean I was a teacher, and there's one thing I know, and that is you don't teach anyone anything by discouraging them. Criticism like, "I can tell you're really trying, and you're improving. Why don't we try this..." works fine.
Now my feelings are really hurt. And I don't think there's anyone who wants to learn to play this more than I do. Tonight was our first intermediate class and we've paid for five of them, but I'm seriously considering not going back. I mean I'll never learn from him if I'm being put down every time I go.

Gripe Gripe Gripe

We had a really nice weekend. I've decided that too much togetherness is not healthy for a marriage, though. My husband is starting to get on my nerves. When people are together in close quarters for several days they start to notice things about the other that they hadn't really paid attention to before.
Like how he likes to talk to me when I'm reading. Especially when I'm at the "good part" of the book. And he likes to talk to the television. I think it must be a "man thing" as I think my son-in-law does it, too. However, my hubby's commentary about everything that happens gets old when you're trying to hear the show!
I know, gripe gripe gripe.

Me? A REAL writer?

It's been a better day. We leave for our trip tomorrow and I'm looking forward to the long weekend away. It's in a room overlooking the river, and everyone says the scenery is really pretty. I haven't been to a lodge type thing since my son-in-law invited me to Guntersville Lodge to celebrate my daughter's college graduation. So it will be nice.
I'm really excited that I heard from a publisher that one of my stories I submitted a long time ago, she thinks would be perfect for a book that is coming out soon. She sent me the editor's private email and said to write and let them know she referred me. Then after I wrote to thank her, she wrote back and said she wished me luck and then she bragged on my story and how she had kept it hoping they'd publish some anthology she could use it in. Somehow you're not a REAL writer until something gets published.
I haven't told my husband about the publisher's email. I probably won't. If they accept my story, then I'll tell him. Then I'll have good news. It's hard to tell him and then not get accepted, and have to report that. He gives me this look like he never thought they would but didn't want to say that. Of course, he doesn't say that, and I could be imagining it and that not be how he feels at all. Either way, I think I'll keep it to myself awhile and see what happens.
I watched a lifetime movie this morning about a fifty year old woman having a baby. As much as I love my kids, if that happened to me, I think I'd die, KERRR PLUNK.

Menopause and Gilmore Girls

I went to dulcimer class today. If you've read any of my posts you know that this is my newest interest because I have always wanted to play an instrument, and this is suppose to be one of the easiest. My husband didn't feel like going, so I went alone. My teacher asked about a workshop we had attended over the weekend and how that instructor teaches, and I was telling him about different things we learned and how some of it was just too complicated for me to be able to do yet. Then I added that my husband held his own pretty well though. Then my teacher replied that my husband has natural talent. I took this to mean, "He has natural talent. On the other hand, you have NONE." Then later when he asked each of us to play something, I got so nervous and just felt like freaking out and I tried to play but messed up really bad on songs I've been playing at home with no sweat. We're suppose to go to a dulcimer festival this weekend and now I don't want to go because my teacher and his wife will be there.
This doesn't all hinge on his comment. I just don't think playing in a group is right for me. I think if I play at home to ease stress and for my own enjoyment that will fulfill what I wanted to do it for, in the first place.
I can't believe I let him freak me out like that.
Then I came home and watched Gilmore Girls. It's one of my very favorite shows, and Luke broke up with Lorelai and I was freaked out over that. I wonder if this is what menopause feels like.

Just Stuff

I went to see the counselor yesterday. She just asked me a lot of questions and filled out a lot of papers. She asked me if I was taking any medication for depression and then proceeded to tell me I was depressed and really needed to be on medication again. She wants me to see the doctor there. Well I have thought about it and I can't figure out any answer I gave to any of her questions that would give her this "depression" diagnosis. So go figure.
The thing is, I was told a long time ago I would probably have to stay on medication for depression the rest of my life but the last one the doctor gave me made me so sick, I quit everything and haven't taken any of it since then.
I think I'm going to like this therapist. She's about my age, and seems really nice. It's like I look forward to doing this and dread it so badly at the same time. But I know it will help me.
I think my biggest hurdles are getting to the point that I don't feel like I'm such a terrible person. I've made so many mistakes and it's hard to get past that, and to forgive myself. I have no relationship with my sister. My sister's husband and her kids don't seem to like me. When I was growing up, I don't think any of them liked me. The other counselor I used to go to, said being the "black sheep" of the family sometimes is the safest place to be. I don't know what to think about that.
The counselor asked if I had been abused as a child, and I said "No, there was no abuse." "In fact," I told her, "I was pretty much invisible." (They didn't believe in affection, or telling me that I was loved etc. And if we just stayed in the background and didn't require much we were ok) I said, "But I just want to talk about my life now." She proceeded to tell me that how we learn to BE in order to grow up in a household (invisible) is pretty much how we will live our whole life trying to be. That blew me away. I'm still thinking about that one.
So I CHOSE to live differently, to find a good man, to settle down, to act normal, to be a better mother, to be a better person. And I feel better about myself for what I'm doing now.
Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Most days I just try to go through the motions and act like everything is fine. And usually that works. Until I get faced with a hard situation, and then everything seems to fall apart. But pretending has gotten me a long way. I should just be happy with myself and my life because I have so much to be happy about, but there's always this cloud for some reason.

Valentine's Day

My husband got me chocolates in a heart shaped velvet box. This has a special meaning for me. When I lived at home, my step-dad used to get my mom, grandmother, and me each a heart shaped box of chocolates each Valentine's Day. I always looked forward to seeing the pretty boxes and I would keep mine and put mementos in it later. I miss him since he died eight years ago.
I realize how lucky I am to have a good husband. He works hard and is nice to me. He never gets mad at me about anything. We've been married two years in March and dated a year before that and we've never had an argument, or even gotten mad at each other. We're both very easy going and just don't find little things important enough to get upset with each other over. And we travel well together which should be a must-do before anyone gets married.
I started to do another griping bitching moaning post today but then I read some other people's and I realized how lucky I am to have this guy on Valentine's Day especially, when so many other people are alone. I've spent a lot of Valentine's Days alone, and some when I desperately wished I was alone rather than with the one I had at the time.
So I decided to count my blessings today and try to be positive and upbeat. How am I doing so far?
Ok, now I think I'll go dive into those chocolates and figure out what I can go buy him for Valentine's here at the last minute! Oh I'm bad....

You've come a LONG way, BABY!

My daughter sent me an old letter she found that her dad had written to her when she was in college and a letter that was her reply to him. When you look up "deadbeat dad" in the dictionary it has his picture. When you look up all the words spelled like this:
@#$**^%##, his picture is by those, too.
Anyway, he gave her a million excuses why he couldn't help her with college expenses (even though he was ordered by the court to do so) and also gave her his 'poor pitiful me' speech. She came back at him with BOTH barrels and told him what she thought.
The amazing thing about all of it is that reading things like that about him and how he treated my kids used to cause me to go into a total HISSY RAGE. But this time I just felt so sorry for her for having an ass like him for a dad. He doesn't raise my blood pressure anymore, or get me started on a "ranting, raving, he's such an you know what" tirade.
She had grown up to be an amazing woman. My sons have grown up to be good men, in spite of their biological dad. Of course, they also have an amazing STEP DAD now in my husband. I wish they had him when they were younger. Heck, I wish I HAD HIM when they were younger. But anyway, we all made it. I stumbled along the way, and we all crawled at times, but WE MADE IT.
The letters also made me remember what a difference "life with him" and "life without him" were. Before the divorce I worried so much about how we'd live without his income. After the divorce, that was hard but we managed somehow. But what I didn't expect was how much more relaxed our home would be. I remember not long after the divorce, my kids were laughing to some song on the radio one day and my middle son commented, "Gee, Mom. This is the first time we've laughed in such a long time!" and it was.
If you are an unhappily married woman with a husband who mistreats you and/or your kids, get out. Believe me, years later your only regret will be that you didn't get out of it SOONER and that you wasted so much time being unhappy.
Thanks, daughter, for pointing out to me how far we've come.
We've COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

A Day In the Life

Sick with a cold, head feels like it's going to explode. I went down and bought some quickie dinners so I can just throw something in the oven and call it dinner.
I took the plunge and called to see who I can get for a new counselor with this new insurance we got that started in January. They gave me three names of women. Then I sit there and can't figure out which one to call. It's hard to choose someone when you don't know them. So I just called one and got an answering machine....and then called another and got a receptionist. The one who has a live receptionist won out. I go next Monday.
I want to figure out where to go from here. When I said in my profile, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, it's true. I think I have spent my life just doing what I needed to get done each day, and the days went by, the months went by, the years went by and then suddenly I woke up one morning and I'm almost fifty. And I can't help wondering if I could have been on a better path than the one I'm on. Did I do all the things I wanted to do with my life? What did I want to do with my life? What is that elusive "something else" that will make me feel content and happy? What do I want to accomplish?
It's not that I think I don't have time to do all that, or that death is imminent. ha. It's just that if I'm going to do SOMETHING, I better get my butt in gear. I need goals. I need a list of things I want to do, see, be. I need to stop living in the past and figure out where I want my future to go. I keep feeling like there's something I'm suppose to accomplish that I'm not doing. I guess this is what "they" call mid-life crisis, except I'm not running out buying a sports car and wearing clothes like a twenty year old and chasing sex partners half my age. I'll leave that up to the men to do. Women are smarter than that. They just sit and stare at the wall and try to reason all this out.
I have so much more than most people ever find. I have a nice home that I like, the sweetest husband in the world, great, smart, talented kids, a dog who loves me no matter what. I don't really have to worry about money, although I'm not much on spending a lot, and neither is my husband. We manage to pay our bills and still be able to go out now and then or go on trips or whatever.
He's talking about retiring in twelve years. So the way I figure it I've got twelve years by myself during the day every day to pursue the things I want to do for me. Just need some direction. Maybe the counselor can help. Everytime in my life I went into counseling, I came out with a lot of insight into myself I never had before. I had LOTS of "light bulb" moments. AHA! Now I seeeeee...............And it's always amazed me how the really simple things I just couldn't seem to figure out on my own. You know. "WHY DIDN'T I SEE THAT BEFORE??"
All I know is there has to be more to life than sitting here watching tv and getting fatter.

Zen Zen Who's Got the Zen

Maybe I'm too right brained ( or is it left brained?) to get this meditation stuff. I did find one thing about the lesson today interesting. She, the instructor, said this:

Most of us spend our lives searching outside ourselves for things we already know. We hope that someone else will provide our answers and become the authority in our lives. This is based upon the assumption that we do not already know all that we need to know.

I know I always look OUTSIDE myself for answers to problems, when many times I know deep inside what the right answer is. However, I don't trust myself.
Where does this come from? I think we all harbor a feeling that we aren't quite the person we present to the world because we have all done things we'd die if anyone knew. Take the show LOST for example. Every person on the show has some deep dark secret they would die if anyone discovered when there's really nothing wrong with any of them but being human and making mistakes.
Maybe we should all forgive ourselves, accept ourselves as imperfect beings on a journey through this life and admit we are better, stronger, wiser because of the times we have royally screwed up. I mean, we can't take any of it back can we?
My counselor said there is a big difference in guilt and shame. She said guilt is feeling like what we DID is wrong. Shame is feeling like we ARE wrong. I've always felt different from other people. That's why I don't feel comfortable around others and shy away from being in groups where I have to socialize. Isolation is not always comfortable either, although it is most days. I still have a nagging feeling that my life is just going by and I'm in HERE and life is out THERE.
But knowing it and fixing it are two different things.
Geez, I think I'm rambling......

Blah Blah Blah

My husband is going back to work tomorrow. Not to say I'm thrilled about that, but let's just say I won't mind. I love him dearly and it's not his fault, but I seem to put my life totally on hold when he's home. Now the house is getting cluttered up, and that's driving me crazy. I need to put my world back right, and I will begin that tomorrow by doing a cleaning/straightening around here. Does that sound Stepford-ish? No? Well they just came out with this new Lavendar Pine-Sol that I have to have! Now, does that?
We went tonight to dulcimer class. I have figured out I must be obsessive about the dulcimer, about like I am everything else. I seem to be the only one who really is sold on learning this and practicing it, a lot. Two people dropped out of our class tonight, two others only came a couple of times before they disappeared. Even my husband who seems to enjoy playing doesn't seem to need to do it very often. Well the fact that I am interested in something is a good thing for me.
I signed up for a free course on Barnes and Noble about Zen Miracles, finding peace in a hectic world or something like that. It started out by teaching us how to meditate. I figured out I have been doing this for most of my life but didn't call it meditating. I "zone out" when I need a break from living in the real world. My kids always said I seemed to be "somewhere else" and didn't hear them when they talked. So see? I wasn't weird, I was just doing something really cool like meditating and none of us knew. Anyway, it sure gives a person time to be quiet and think, which is hard to come by in this world most days.
I think I am getting my husband's bad cold because I feel really yucky and my head is all stuffed up. I took some Nyquil so I should konk out here soon.
I found a dulcimer radio station, which I am enjoying.
I spent the last two days filling out my youngest son's income taxes, which are complicated by the fact that he was part year resident in two states last year, so Turbo tax was out for that. I had to do it the old-fashioned way with pencil and paper and realized how spoiled I am.
He and his longggg time girlfriend broke up, and she came by tonight to bring all his things he had at her house. She had been crying and I felt sorry for her but didn't know what to say. I acted innocent like I had no idea why she was bringing it, and she left right away. He said she's been going into his voice mails on his cell and deleting his messages. Of course, he had girls call him, so that didn't sit well either. He's a DJ so gets a lot of phone calls. Anyway, they have broken up a million times so I'm trying not to be too optimistic about this time. I just honestly don't think he'll ever be happy with her. They can't date two days straight without a major fight. So......

Long-g-g-g Weekends

Well my husband has been off work since Thursday. We decided back before Christmas to have a shower added over our guest bath whirlpool tub to make it more convenient for guests. The man who has always done our home repairs came out and we told him we wanted ceramic tile. He said that is so expensive and would "cost a fortune" and had we considered using a tileboard porcelain looking material he recommended. He told us to go down to Home Depot and look at it, which we did. We thought it would look fine, so he came out and did the job. I wasn't thrilled with the way it looked up, but thought maybe it would be ok. I realize I am on the picky side when it comes to this townhouse. Anyway, when our first guest used it, she noticed the shower head wobbled really bad, the whole pipe, not just the head. And the tileboard he had put up was separating from the walls. So after Christmas, we called him back and said this is TERRIBLE. He said well he had just bought a nice fiberglass shower surround and if we wanted it, he would put it up for just what it cost him, no labor. So we said ok.
Thursday, my husband took off work to be here while the guy did the work. Well, he got here and decided the shower surround he already had bought, was the BACK only, and wouldn't do, so he'd have to go back and buy something else. He goes to Home Depot and comes back with this long thin thing that was one piece and flexible and says he's going to put it up on the walls. I said how is that going to look? He assures us it will be fine. So he goes off into the small bath and we notice this HORRIBLE smell. He says its the adhesive. Our whole house smells like VERY STRONG magic markers. We're suffocating and he comes back out and says it "didn't quite fit" and he has to go get something else to put around the edges of it, and heads back out to Home Depot. Well we went to look and he has this huge gap where it doesn't meet the tub, it doesn't fit into the corners so there are these huge holes at the corners you could run your whole arm into. I freaked. So my husband called him and said, "Don't spend anymore money. Come back and get your stuff and we'll figure out something else." He comes back to get his tools and I told him he wouldn't want HIS bathroom looking like that, and that we have decided to go with ceramic tile. He said well he can get ceramic tile cheap and will do the job with no labor since we are not happy with what he's done so far. SO NOW ceramic tile is "cheap" when to begin with, it "costs a fortune." We said we'd be in touch. THERE IS NO WAY this guy is touching my bathroom again. So now we have this horrible mess glued to the wall, without the shower head even being up there, and we have to wait until we can afford to have someone come out and put tile up. I pulled the shower curtain over it and decided just not to look at it. Thank goodness we don't use that bathroom! But now we've paid for two different shower surround thingies and still no shower.
Anyway, hubby took off to do that on Thursday, then got sick with a bad cold on Friday and hasn't felt like doing anything all weekend. He said he's staying home tomorrow, too. I'm going through the "I need time alone!" blues and hope he feels better soon.
No we didn't watch the SUPERBOWL. I hate football and married a guy who doesn't care for it either. However, I do have one good thing to say about the Superbowl. It made it very easy to get a table at the restaurant tonight. :-)
So how was your weekend?

Making Plans

We have some interesting plans coming up in the next few months. Later this month, we are going to Iuka, MS to a State Park for a dulcimer festival. We got reservations at the Lodge there. We know some people who have attended this one, and they say it's wonderful. They give a lot of free classes at the festivals, so I'm sure we'll learn a lot. We have a lot to learn!
My husband's dulcimer had some problems with one of the frets, and although the builder worked on it several times, it still sounded funky, so he took it back and swapped it for another one. Of course, I wouldn't tell him, but he picks the ones I would never look at twice to choose from. He likes the ones with character, he says, the ones with some distinguishing marks, weird grain patterns, holes in strange places (he says they are natural sound holes). The one he chose this time has a really rough light patch of grain on the back (shaking head). BUT I have to admit, it sounds great. And if he didn't have a big heart for the underdog dulcimers, he might not have ever chosen me either, so that tells you what kind of guy he is.
He bought my Valentine's Day present yesterday. It's a bowed psaltery , like the ones shown here. It has hummingbirds and vines. It's made of sweet gum wood on the back and sides and has an oak top.
Then the end of this month, we're going to Savannah with my daughter and son-in-law to see my youngest son, who's a DJ there. I've never been to Savannah but they say on the food channel that in Savannah, you can toss a rock anywhere and hit a good restaurant. My kind of town. I love Paula's Home Cooking show and her restaurant is there, too.
In March, we have another dulcimer festival, this one in Montgomery. Then in May we're going to Panama City Beach to eat seafood and walk the beach.
So even though I haven't set any personal long term goals for myself, I still have a lot of things to look forward to.
Oh, I posted my resume on Monster.com and got a letter from a headhunter. How about that. Do I want to go back to work? I don't know. I don't think my husband wants me to. He says it will put us in a higher tax bracket and mess us up tax-wise. He thinks we didn't get as big a refund this year because of the months I worked. He's probably right about that. They didn't take out enough tax on me because my income was on the lower end, and then it goes in the pot with his which is taxed way higher.
Enough about that.

This is my doggie, Rags. He's a maltepoo (maltese poodle mix) and is now nine months old.
Update: We are now the proud owners of TWO maltipoos. I wrote an article about them you can find by clicking HERE.

A Dozen Things I've Learned

I know I have a lot to learn. We all do. I learn new things about life everyday. But I was thinking last night, after reading some of the young girls blogs, just how far I've come. Here are a few examples.
1.) It doesn't matter what other people think about you. People who truly love you will accept you like you are, even when you make dumb mistakes, even when you're grumpy. I spent the majority of my life waiting to decide whether or not I liked something, until I found out what other people thought. Then even though I really secretly liked it, if they all hated it, I'd figure I must be crazy and go along with everyone else and hate it too.
2.) It's possible to get so dependent on another person for your self worth that you actually lose yourself as a person. Or as my counselor used to say, you become a "non-person". I was in a terrible marriage until 2000 with a control freak. Everyone who loved me said I should get out. But I kept getting out and going back. Why? Because I was nuts back then. Finally, I decided I must be nuts and went to a counselor and said help me stay out of this toxic relationship. She started asking me things about myself, what did I like, etc? I had no clue. She asked what kind of things did he and I do in our spare time? Did I enjoy those events/activities? NOOOO. Through her questioning, it finally clicked. I had totally lost my identity in that relationship, and it was a long journey back to figuring out my likes/dislikes, being able to voice an opinion that was truly my own, learning to care about me and my needs.
3.) Things don't make you happy. All it really does is create clutter that ultimately makes me more unhappy. I know that if I had to put only a few things into a backpack and walk away from this house to live somewhere else, I could do it and be happy. I can't believe how attached I have been in the past to stuff that didn't matter at all.
4.) We'd better go and do and see all the things we want to go, do, or see NOW. There's no guarantee that you'll be able to do those things "after you retire" and from the people I know who waited, chances are pretty good you won't be able to.
5.) We should all take better care of ourselves. Burning the candle at both ends leaves you all mushy/melty in the middle. ha.
6.) Change gets harder the older you get, at least for me.
7.) Women can do fine without a man. If you have a good one, hang onto him. If you don't, you're better off alone than with a bad one.
8.) Bad men disguise themselves very well.
9.) Kids are worth all the trouble. I wouldn't take a billion dollars for my kids.
10.) God loves us even when we don't love ourselves. And most of the time our own image of God is what causes us to feel distant. And what do we really know about what He is like? Or looks like? I think twelve steps groups who say think of an image you can love and stick with that, are right. I have a hard time with that image because of all the crap I've been fed all my life about "God is out to get ya!"
11.) Every woman needs some money of her own that she could get to if she ever needed it. Best advice my grandmother ever gave me.
12.) The things in life that mean the most to us are the things that are capable of causing us the most pain, so choose those carefully. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean having them in your life is good for you. If you were hired as your own "life manager" would you fire yourself for the job you've done?