Just Stuff

I went to see the counselor yesterday. She just asked me a lot of questions and filled out a lot of papers. She asked me if I was taking any medication for depression and then proceeded to tell me I was depressed and really needed to be on medication again. She wants me to see the doctor there. Well I have thought about it and I can't figure out any answer I gave to any of her questions that would give her this "depression" diagnosis. So go figure.
The thing is, I was told a long time ago I would probably have to stay on medication for depression the rest of my life but the last one the doctor gave me made me so sick, I quit everything and haven't taken any of it since then.
I think I'm going to like this therapist. She's about my age, and seems really nice. It's like I look forward to doing this and dread it so badly at the same time. But I know it will help me.
I think my biggest hurdles are getting to the point that I don't feel like I'm such a terrible person. I've made so many mistakes and it's hard to get past that, and to forgive myself. I have no relationship with my sister. My sister's husband and her kids don't seem to like me. When I was growing up, I don't think any of them liked me. The other counselor I used to go to, said being the "black sheep" of the family sometimes is the safest place to be. I don't know what to think about that.
The counselor asked if I had been abused as a child, and I said "No, there was no abuse." "In fact," I told her, "I was pretty much invisible." (They didn't believe in affection, or telling me that I was loved etc. And if we just stayed in the background and didn't require much we were ok) I said, "But I just want to talk about my life now." She proceeded to tell me that how we learn to BE in order to grow up in a household (invisible) is pretty much how we will live our whole life trying to be. That blew me away. I'm still thinking about that one.
So I CHOSE to live differently, to find a good man, to settle down, to act normal, to be a better mother, to be a better person. And I feel better about myself for what I'm doing now.
Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Most days I just try to go through the motions and act like everything is fine. And usually that works. Until I get faced with a hard situation, and then everything seems to fall apart. But pretending has gotten me a long way. I should just be happy with myself and my life because I have so much to be happy about, but there's always this cloud for some reason.