I tend to go back and forth from wanting to be home to wanting to go back to work to wanting to be home. It's easy to understand right now, because I'm in it, why I want to quit work. It's a pain in the ass, it's hard work, it's hard to get up early and have no time to myself. It's work, come home, watch boring tv, go to bed, get up, go to work, etc etc all week. The weekends I spend dreading Monday and watching the time click by knowing Monday is getting closer and closer. I think of all the things I could do if I was home. I think of how obnoxious some of the people at work can be, how I feel like I'm not included in anything, like I'm an outsider, like no one notices what I do, or cares. My check comes and is gone and then it's another week to go through. I feel like my life is going by. Is this really how I want to be spending the remainder of my life?
Turning fifty means thinking more seriously about that kind of thing. So I decided to quit my job, felt peace about it, momentarily at least, but then the same old doubts started again (Does this mean I don't trust myself to make a decision? Or that I don't know what I want?).
So I decided that part of the problem is I never really "adjust" mentally to being at home, to accepting retirement as a positive thing. I think it happens to many many people when they retire from work. When a younger woman decides to quit work to stay at home, she's usually doing so to be with her children. So basically she's going from one job to another job. When a woman my age quits work to stay at home, she has to fill her time and find her sense of fulfillment in other ways. That's what I failed to do last time.
I had a teacher tell me a long time ago that you have to make a decision, and then make it be the right decision. There's a lot of common sense in that. I have to make being at home a rich, rewarding, enjoyable experience. How do I do that?
Well I came up with a few ideas. One is I can't use being at home as an excuse to let myself go, to stop caring about how I look or how I dress. I think getting up and having a routine, including dressing, doing my hair, etc, is important to feeling good about each new day. Then I have to spend some time doing tasks that need to be done, without expecting perfection or completion. Like cleaning the house, decluttering, running errands. I tend to get frustrated if I clean out one drawer but don't have time to clean out every closet in the house. Or if I get the refrigerator cleaned out but don't have time (or inclination) to do the entire kitchen. But I think having some time to do tasks each day, whatever I can get done in that length of time, is the key.
Then I get the rewards of being home, having the rest of the day to do the things I want to do, which right now include practicing my dulcimer, reconnecting with old friends, developing a spiritual life that is meaningful to me (whatever that means), writing, photography, day trips to places I've wanted to go see, journaling, music, watching movies my husband won't watch, and just having some time alone. The problem with me is I feel like I have to be doing something to be valuable. I have to figure out a way to feel valuable by just being.
If this sounds like hooey, it's because my mind actually thinks like hooey at times. ha.
If anyone has any answers for me, I'm ready for suggestions.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Soup Temper Tantrum
All of you have been so faithful to keep reading even though lately I've mostly had the "office from hell" stories everyday.
Well today I have TWO. (I promise these will be ending soon when I quit).
A nurse they hired (I worked with her at another company before this one) quit today. She's been working THREE weeks. She said it didn't take her long to size up this office, and she told the manager, "You have no management skills, you've caused division among all the workers, you've put people who are ill-equipped into positions of power and they abuse it, and I just refuse to sit here another day in this sinking ship, because this business doesn't stand a chance."
She said everything I wanted to say but would never have the courage to say. Now I can quit and feel good because at least they got TOLD.
Second story...one of the women who was ill-equipped for her position of power, found out I was going to get a take out plate for lunch, and announced she wanted me to get her something too. After she did, several other people also had orders. No problem. One of the other girls offered to go with me to get it to help. Miss Ill-Equipped griped over the menu for awhile, and then finally decided to get broccoli cheese soup. I went into her office and ordered it all on the phone with her reading me the orders. We went to picked up the food. It was in a big cardboard box, with each person's food in a separate bag stapled at the top. We get back to the office, everyone sits down and begins eating and she looks at her's and says, This is NOT Broccoli CHEESE soup. This is POTATO soup. I don't eat potatoes. I said, "Oh I'm sorry. You heard me order the right kind. I guess they mixed it up. You're welcome to share mine. I have more than I'll ever eat." She glared at me and stood up, pushing her chair up against the wall and stormed past me muttering, "I guess I'll just have to go back and change it myself!"
Well everyone cut their eyes at each other but no one said anything. We went on eating. By the time she got back, we were done and cleaning up our mess. She plopped her "soup" down on the table and said, "Wonderful! Now you're all done, aren't you, and I have to eat my lunch by MYSELF. That's just wonderful!" Then she plopped down and glared at me again. By now I'm feeling really bad that she is mad at me. I happened to see her open her "exchanged soup" and that wasn't broccoli cheese soup either. But I wasn't going to get through her glare to ask her about it. She refused to speak to me all afternoon. I'm beginning to think these people are totally nuts.
Well today I have TWO. (I promise these will be ending soon when I quit).
A nurse they hired (I worked with her at another company before this one) quit today. She's been working THREE weeks. She said it didn't take her long to size up this office, and she told the manager, "You have no management skills, you've caused division among all the workers, you've put people who are ill-equipped into positions of power and they abuse it, and I just refuse to sit here another day in this sinking ship, because this business doesn't stand a chance."
She said everything I wanted to say but would never have the courage to say. Now I can quit and feel good because at least they got TOLD.
Second story...one of the women who was ill-equipped for her position of power, found out I was going to get a take out plate for lunch, and announced she wanted me to get her something too. After she did, several other people also had orders. No problem. One of the other girls offered to go with me to get it to help. Miss Ill-Equipped griped over the menu for awhile, and then finally decided to get broccoli cheese soup. I went into her office and ordered it all on the phone with her reading me the orders. We went to picked up the food. It was in a big cardboard box, with each person's food in a separate bag stapled at the top. We get back to the office, everyone sits down and begins eating and she looks at her's and says, This is NOT Broccoli CHEESE soup. This is POTATO soup. I don't eat potatoes. I said, "Oh I'm sorry. You heard me order the right kind. I guess they mixed it up. You're welcome to share mine. I have more than I'll ever eat." She glared at me and stood up, pushing her chair up against the wall and stormed past me muttering, "I guess I'll just have to go back and change it myself!"
Well everyone cut their eyes at each other but no one said anything. We went on eating. By the time she got back, we were done and cleaning up our mess. She plopped her "soup" down on the table and said, "Wonderful! Now you're all done, aren't you, and I have to eat my lunch by MYSELF. That's just wonderful!" Then she plopped down and glared at me again. By now I'm feeling really bad that she is mad at me. I happened to see her open her "exchanged soup" and that wasn't broccoli cheese soup either. But I wasn't going to get through her glare to ask her about it. She refused to speak to me all afternoon. I'm beginning to think these people are totally nuts.
Better than Dilbert...
Actual conversations in our office yesterday.....
"Who was on call over the weekend?"
"Sharlene but she was drunk so they called me."
"Why didn't they call Chuck?"
"He had his head up his ass and wouldn't answer his cell."
"Everyone come in my office. We're ready to have the meeting."
"Will this take long?"
(From over behind another cubicle) "Don't anyone talk or ask questions!"
"Lets see..You're ordering office supplies here with the credit card, right?"
"Yeah, can I also do some shopping at Victoria's Secret while I have the company card?"(office dumb blonde)
"Sure if you can get the models to come model it for me.......Does anyone have any special needs they want to mention before before I close us in prayer?"
"The other office we visited stocks Cokes in their refrigerator for everyone."
"Don't know about that....maybe Beer though." (The prayer guy)
(8:10AM) "Is it five o'clock yet?"
"How was your weekend?"
"I start getting depressed every Sunday around supper time because I realize I have to come back to this hell hole."
Dilbert has no idea......
"Who was on call over the weekend?"
"Sharlene but she was drunk so they called me."
"Why didn't they call Chuck?"
"He had his head up his ass and wouldn't answer his cell."
"Everyone come in my office. We're ready to have the meeting."
"Will this take long?"
(From over behind another cubicle) "Don't anyone talk or ask questions!"
"Lets see..You're ordering office supplies here with the credit card, right?"
"Yeah, can I also do some shopping at Victoria's Secret while I have the company card?"(office dumb blonde)
"Sure if you can get the models to come model it for me.......Does anyone have any special needs they want to mention before before I close us in prayer?"
"The other office we visited stocks Cokes in their refrigerator for everyone."
"Don't know about that....maybe Beer though." (The prayer guy)
(8:10AM) "Is it five o'clock yet?"
"How was your weekend?"
"I start getting depressed every Sunday around supper time because I realize I have to come back to this hell hole."
Dilbert has no idea......
Monday, October 24, 2005
Fences and Neighbors
We live in a townhouse, which means out back we have a courtyard with a brick wall adjoining the lady next door's courtyard. I moved here in April of 2000. I've seen her outside maybe fifty times and said hello and she just keeps going. I keep trying. This is ALA freaking BAMA lady. Here we have southern hospitality and all that good stuff. As far as that goes, we don't know a single neighbor. We're neat and quiet so I know we don't offend anyone. What gives?
My boss told me today I can have Thanksgiving off or Christmas but not both. ha ha ha I said give me Thanksgiving and I'll quit before Christmas. She thinks I'm kidding. She threatened to superglue my butt to the chair (ouch).
My youngest son called. I told him I was thinking of quitting work. He said (listen to this!) "Mom, you worked hard all those years raising us and holding down a job. You deserve to have to not work now." Let's all say ahhhhh......
My daughter is struggling desperately to find a place for our big clan to spend Christmas, so our town house won't be overflowing like last year, because she knows how much that stressed me out. She's spent a long time on this. She's also done a lot to help me through the years, and so has her husband.
I've got great kids. I know I'm a little biased but they are great kids!!!
My boss told me today I can have Thanksgiving off or Christmas but not both. ha ha ha I said give me Thanksgiving and I'll quit before Christmas. She thinks I'm kidding. She threatened to superglue my butt to the chair (ouch).
My youngest son called. I told him I was thinking of quitting work. He said (listen to this!) "Mom, you worked hard all those years raising us and holding down a job. You deserve to have to not work now." Let's all say ahhhhh......
My daughter is struggling desperately to find a place for our big clan to spend Christmas, so our town house won't be overflowing like last year, because she knows how much that stressed me out. She's spent a long time on this. She's also done a lot to help me through the years, and so has her husband.
I've got great kids. I know I'm a little biased but they are great kids!!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I've Got a Secret....
I feel totally evil. Since I've decided to quit my job, it's like I have this secret no one at work knows. So when someone says we need to start doing this...and then say I'll end up being in charge of that project, I can smile and know, "Yeah you wish. I will be long gone before that comes about."
It's making work much more fun. Today I actually told my boss I didn't have time to do a task he had given me and that he needed to ask his secretary to do it. I would never have done that normally, but I thought, "Hmm..So what is he going to do? FIRE Me?" ha.
Of course, none of this makes me any less exhausted than I always am after a day there. There were still the same stresses, same conflicts, but I love thinking of everyone's reaction when they end up having to do the things they are piling on me, because I'll be long gone....
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
My Dream Letter of Resignation
To Whom it May Concern,
I hereby resign my position with this company, effective today. I'll work the two week notice if you insist, although every fiber of my being wants to leave here today and never see any of your faces again.
I would like to say I have enjoyed working here. But lying isn't a good thing to do. And that statement would be a huge lie. This place is the crappiest place I've ever worked. Why?
1.) If I had wanted to work in a war zone, I'd enlist and go to Iraq.
2.) No matter how organized I am, no matter how early I come in each morning or leave late, there is no human way to get everything done I've been assigned to do, and I've stopped caring.
3.) Boiling in hot oil is preferable to coming here another day. Heck, I'd almost rather have a mammogram than come here.
4.) Cubicle Gray is not a good color for me.
5.) I've stopped looking forward to anything about this job except weekends and vacations.
6.) Staying home, cleaning house, and cooking sounds like much more fun.
7.) I've counted the days I'd have to work to stay here until Christmas, and that's too many days. One day is too many days.
8.) I'm sick of our main conversation in the office being who won the football game over the weekend.
9.) You pray and teach a Sunday School lesson for the entire staff at every meeting, then flip on Sexual Healing on the intercom for our listening entertainment.
10.) I'd rather be a garbage man than your secretary.
So, if you could read and understand without someone having to translate for you, you'd know what I'm really saying is you can take this job and #$%&*@.
I hereby resign my position with this company, effective today. I'll work the two week notice if you insist, although every fiber of my being wants to leave here today and never see any of your faces again.
I would like to say I have enjoyed working here. But lying isn't a good thing to do. And that statement would be a huge lie. This place is the crappiest place I've ever worked. Why?
1.) If I had wanted to work in a war zone, I'd enlist and go to Iraq.
2.) No matter how organized I am, no matter how early I come in each morning or leave late, there is no human way to get everything done I've been assigned to do, and I've stopped caring.
3.) Boiling in hot oil is preferable to coming here another day. Heck, I'd almost rather have a mammogram than come here.
4.) Cubicle Gray is not a good color for me.
5.) I've stopped looking forward to anything about this job except weekends and vacations.
6.) Staying home, cleaning house, and cooking sounds like much more fun.
7.) I've counted the days I'd have to work to stay here until Christmas, and that's too many days. One day is too many days.
8.) I'm sick of our main conversation in the office being who won the football game over the weekend.
9.) You pray and teach a Sunday School lesson for the entire staff at every meeting, then flip on Sexual Healing on the intercom for our listening entertainment.
10.) I'd rather be a garbage man than your secretary.
So, if you could read and understand without someone having to translate for you, you'd know what I'm really saying is you can take this job and #$%&*@.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Top Ten Favorite Movie Quotes
Ok, everyone I know is doing this on their blogs (almost), so here are my favorite movie quotes...
1. From Shirley Valentine.....
Shirley: "Because we don't do what we want to do. We do what we have to do, and pretend it's what we want to do."
2. From Titanic......
Rose: "Well, I'm fine... I'll be fine... really."
Jack: "Really? I don't think so. They've got you trapped, Rose. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because you're strong but...Sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose... That fire's gonna burn out..."
3. From My Life Without Me.....
Ann writes in her journal:
THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE. :
1. Tell my daughters I love them several times.
2. Find Don a new wife who the girls like.
3. Record birthday messages for the girls for every year until they're 18.
4. Go to Whalebay Beach together and have a big picnic.
5. Smoke and drink as much as I want.
6. Say what I'm thinking.
7. Make love with other men to see what it's like.
8. Make someone fall in love with me.
9. Go and see Dad in Jail.
10. Get false nails. And do something with my hair.
4. From Pay It Forward......
Eugene: "OK. You know, I'm going to have to consult my spirit guides here, because you tell me that Trevor is withholding from you, but you won't tell me anything specific and you still want me to sit here and divine why. "
Arley: "Divine why? You always talk like that?"
Eugene: "Yes."
Arley: "You go to some big, fancy school?"
Eugene: " Yes. "
Arley: " Think you can stop rubbing my nose in it?"
5. From Bridges of Madison County....
Francesca: "And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before."
6. From Steel Magnolias:
Truvy: I'm surprised at you Clairee, speaking about your kin that way.
Clairee: Well you know what they say, if you can't find something good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.
7. Jack in Titanic:
Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count.
8. From Peggy Sue Got Married...
Mother: Is Charlie pressuring you into doing things you don't think you should be doing?
Peggy Sue: What do you mean?
Mother: Peggy, you know what a penis is? Stay away from it!
9. From Beaches, when CC first sees the apartment decorated in pink:
CC Bloom: It looks like a flamingo threw up in here!
10. From "Shirley Valentine" when her Greek lover tells her how much he loves her stretch marks because they are "part of her and show life" .....
Shirley looks from him directly into camera and says, "Aren't men full of shit?"
1. From Shirley Valentine.....
Shirley: "Because we don't do what we want to do. We do what we have to do, and pretend it's what we want to do."
2. From Titanic......
Rose: "Well, I'm fine... I'll be fine... really."
Jack: "Really? I don't think so. They've got you trapped, Rose. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because you're strong but...Sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose... That fire's gonna burn out..."
3. From My Life Without Me.....
Ann writes in her journal:
THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE. :
1. Tell my daughters I love them several times.
2. Find Don a new wife who the girls like.
3. Record birthday messages for the girls for every year until they're 18.
4. Go to Whalebay Beach together and have a big picnic.
5. Smoke and drink as much as I want.
6. Say what I'm thinking.
7. Make love with other men to see what it's like.
8. Make someone fall in love with me.
9. Go and see Dad in Jail.
10. Get false nails. And do something with my hair.
4. From Pay It Forward......
Eugene: "OK. You know, I'm going to have to consult my spirit guides here, because you tell me that Trevor is withholding from you, but you won't tell me anything specific and you still want me to sit here and divine why. "
Arley: "Divine why? You always talk like that?"
Eugene: "Yes."
Arley: "You go to some big, fancy school?"
Eugene: " Yes. "
Arley: " Think you can stop rubbing my nose in it?"
5. From Bridges of Madison County....
Francesca: "And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before."
6. From Steel Magnolias:
Truvy: I'm surprised at you Clairee, speaking about your kin that way.
Clairee: Well you know what they say, if you can't find something good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.
7. Jack in Titanic:
Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count.
8. From Peggy Sue Got Married...
Mother: Is Charlie pressuring you into doing things you don't think you should be doing?
Peggy Sue: What do you mean?
Mother: Peggy, you know what a penis is? Stay away from it!
9. From Beaches, when CC first sees the apartment decorated in pink:
CC Bloom: It looks like a flamingo threw up in here!
10. From "Shirley Valentine" when her Greek lover tells her how much he loves her stretch marks because they are "part of her and show life" .....
Shirley looks from him directly into camera and says, "Aren't men full of shit?"
The Mirror
She looks in the mirror, sees her five year old face, smooth pink cheeks, missing front teeth, freckles.....makes a funny face by pulling her lips outward and sticking out her tongue. Giggles at herself....runs off to play Barbies.She looks in the mirror, sees her ten year old face, not quite as round, but smooth and tan, light dusting of freckles. Steps back to see the rest of her body, leans her torso back and tries to thrust chest forward to see what she's look like with boobs, then gets sidetracked by looking her her skinny legs and skinned knees, shrugs, gets bored with it all, runs outside to climb a tree.
She looks in the mirror, sees her seventeen year old face, a few pimples but smooth with a natural blush, puts on a little lipgloss, pouts a little, tries to see herself as others do but is much more critical, feels a little inadequate, steps back and looks at her body which looks better than it ever will again, but hates it. Can't stand to look anymore and goes back to her room in tears, closing the door.
She looks in the mirror, sees her twenty-five year old self, oval face, no freckles now, only needs a little mascara and some lipstick to look good, can't quite figure out if she likes herself or not (depends on the day), flips back her hair wondering how she should style it when she gets her next cut, wish she looked a little older, definitely likes herself better when not looking in the mirror, leaves to go back to her work cubicle and her IPOD.
She looks in the mirror, sees herself at thirty-five, a few light lines around her eyes, but overall is pleased with her face. Pulls at one silver hair peeking through the brown. Steps back, runs her hand over her round belly that never quite recovered from childbirth, hates those stretch marks (yuck), wonder how her husband sees her, feels more comfortable with herself in some ways, less in others, doesn't quite connect the reflection as being totally her, hears the kids coming in from school, goes off to meet them.
She looks in the mirror, forty-nine, wonders how those wrinkles appeared overnight, and why does she have these little bulges on her jawline on each side of her chin, pulls upward on her temples lightly, and thinks, "If I smile all the time, I still look pretty good", steps back to look at her thighs and thinks of Fort Knox, big building hiding the gold inside...wonders where that thought came from. Laughs out loud, and goes off to meet her friends for lunch and girl talk.
She looks in the mirror, sixty-seven, wrinkles, white hair pulled back, steps back to look at her body, doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore because she likes it and she likes herself, makes a funny face by pulling her lips outward and sticking out her tongue. Giggles at herself....goes off to play bingo....
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Odds and Ends
I made up my mind to not think about work at all this weekend. Today, my husband and I went to a beginner's dulcimer class. We're not actually beginners, but we like to play with people who don't think they have to do every song at a frantic pace. We started learning some Christmas carols, and I'm glad we did it early because it will take me until Christmas to really learn them.
We mailed my step son-in-law's birthday card in August. We got it back yesterday saying undeliverable. Does this mean they moved? This is the same address we used to send her birthday card in February. They are very secretive, not giving out their phone number or any information about themselves. We get very generic emails now and then so we know she's still alive. If my kids did me like that, I'd beat 'em. I know my husband is hurt.
I'm thinking of ordering a new dulcimer. Yes I know I got a new one not too long ago, but I found this builder that everyone raves about. The way it is with luthiers is if you find someone who really builds a quality instrument, you better get one, because the guy finally dies and can only make so many. So each is an original and a limited edition. :-)
He is also less than half the price of what I paid for the last one. And since every dulcimer sounds totally different, it's not unusual for people to have several. Am I convincing? I figure I work for a living and I should buy me something I really want at least now and then.
After this, I'll start buying my Christmas. My husband has already given me some ideas.
I don't know what I want for Christmas, because, like this dulcimer, if I really want something, I usually buy it. I told my daughter something I wanted, but I can't remember what that was now....
It's turning cold here. People had on sweaters and sweatshirts today. I'm so glad to be getting some cooler weather.
We mailed my step son-in-law's birthday card in August. We got it back yesterday saying undeliverable. Does this mean they moved? This is the same address we used to send her birthday card in February. They are very secretive, not giving out their phone number or any information about themselves. We get very generic emails now and then so we know she's still alive. If my kids did me like that, I'd beat 'em. I know my husband is hurt.
I'm thinking of ordering a new dulcimer. Yes I know I got a new one not too long ago, but I found this builder that everyone raves about. The way it is with luthiers is if you find someone who really builds a quality instrument, you better get one, because the guy finally dies and can only make so many. So each is an original and a limited edition. :-)
He is also less than half the price of what I paid for the last one. And since every dulcimer sounds totally different, it's not unusual for people to have several. Am I convincing? I figure I work for a living and I should buy me something I really want at least now and then.
After this, I'll start buying my Christmas. My husband has already given me some ideas.
I don't know what I want for Christmas, because, like this dulcimer, if I really want something, I usually buy it. I told my daughter something I wanted, but I can't remember what that was now....
It's turning cold here. People had on sweaters and sweatshirts today. I'm so glad to be getting some cooler weather.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Stress S-T-R-E-S-S
My husband came home last night from his trip. I met him at the door and when he asked how things were, I burst into tears. For the next hour, I cried over how stressed I am from work, how I feel like everyone dumps everything on me, how I'm always behind, how everyone is so negative, how all I can think about is how much I hate it. Then I cried some more.
He did what good husbands are told to do, listen and sympathize, but not offer advice or counsel. I finally realized this is what he was attempting to do, and I corrected him by saying, "I WANT your ADVICE. I WANT you to FIX THIS!!!!"
He said 1) the main part of what is bothering me is that I feel like I'm failing because I can't do everything that is thrown at me (true) 2) That I can quit if I want to, but I really wasn't very happy at home either (he's right) and 3) That I have to make up my mind to stand up for myself at work, to speak my mind, to slow down from the frantic pace and just do what I can get done, and leave the rest and 4) that if I keep scrambling and killing myself to get everything done, they will never hire me any help! (Very true).
So after crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up with a new resolve. I went to work with a different mindset. I asked for what I needed, I told people when I didn't have time to do their extra stuff, and I slowed down, stayed focused, got my area organized, took breaks, and went out for a whole hour for lunch. I feel much better about things. And everyone was much nicer to the assertive me than they were the "wimp" me. I may be on to something here.
My husband said I can't change them, but I can change how I react to them. I told him it sounded like excellent advice. He said, "I thought so too when you gave it to me last year when I was so stressed at work." Hm.....
He did what good husbands are told to do, listen and sympathize, but not offer advice or counsel. I finally realized this is what he was attempting to do, and I corrected him by saying, "I WANT your ADVICE. I WANT you to FIX THIS!!!!"
He said 1) the main part of what is bothering me is that I feel like I'm failing because I can't do everything that is thrown at me (true) 2) That I can quit if I want to, but I really wasn't very happy at home either (he's right) and 3) That I have to make up my mind to stand up for myself at work, to speak my mind, to slow down from the frantic pace and just do what I can get done, and leave the rest and 4) that if I keep scrambling and killing myself to get everything done, they will never hire me any help! (Very true).
So after crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up with a new resolve. I went to work with a different mindset. I asked for what I needed, I told people when I didn't have time to do their extra stuff, and I slowed down, stayed focused, got my area organized, took breaks, and went out for a whole hour for lunch. I feel much better about things. And everyone was much nicer to the assertive me than they were the "wimp" me. I may be on to something here.
My husband said I can't change them, but I can change how I react to them. I told him it sounded like excellent advice. He said, "I thought so too when you gave it to me last year when I was so stressed at work." Hm.....
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Is it Friday yet?
Well the one girl in our office who is "in your face" offensive to everyone got in trouble with the General Mgr for being offensive. Go figure. I bet she's been that way her whole life and been told that numerous times but still can't figure out she has a problem. That's the way my ex was. Nothing was wrong with him, according to him. He was perfect, if only the rest of the world would recognize it. Poor baby.
I'm enjoying my time alone. But I'm ready for my husband to come home. He'll be back tomorrow night. He misses me, too. Awwwww.
I put clean crisp sheets on the bed, and sprayed them with linen spray that smells like lavender (it's a girl thing) so I can have a great bed by myself for one more night.....
I'm so ready for the weekend. I'm exhausted. My boss has been out this week and my work load has been tripled. I need a break. I am scared not to do a good job, because I am pretty new with the company. On the other hand, I am afraid if I handle more of a load TOO well she'll leave those extra things for me to do from now on. Uggg.
I watched Gilmore Girls and watched Lorelei and Rory (mother and daughter) feuding and I miss my daughter. We haven't had any girl time alone in a long time. It's way past time for curling up in our PJ's watching chick flicks and passing the Kleenex. And throw in a pan of brownies and we'd be set.
My youngest son bought a motorcycle. I'm trying desperately not to think about it. Denial has served me well most of my life. But this morning, a motorcycle up ahead of me went to pass a car and the car didn't see him and started to pull over and I screamed and then shook all the way to work. I had this vision of my son on that motorcycle. I hope it's a phase and it passes quickly. Very quickly.
Well this entry is sooo boring but I am feeling pretty boring tonight so I guess this expresses it well. ha.
I'm enjoying my time alone. But I'm ready for my husband to come home. He'll be back tomorrow night. He misses me, too. Awwwww.
I put clean crisp sheets on the bed, and sprayed them with linen spray that smells like lavender (it's a girl thing) so I can have a great bed by myself for one more night.....
I'm so ready for the weekend. I'm exhausted. My boss has been out this week and my work load has been tripled. I need a break. I am scared not to do a good job, because I am pretty new with the company. On the other hand, I am afraid if I handle more of a load TOO well she'll leave those extra things for me to do from now on. Uggg.
I watched Gilmore Girls and watched Lorelei and Rory (mother and daughter) feuding and I miss my daughter. We haven't had any girl time alone in a long time. It's way past time for curling up in our PJ's watching chick flicks and passing the Kleenex. And throw in a pan of brownies and we'd be set.
My youngest son bought a motorcycle. I'm trying desperately not to think about it. Denial has served me well most of my life. But this morning, a motorcycle up ahead of me went to pass a car and the car didn't see him and started to pull over and I screamed and then shook all the way to work. I had this vision of my son on that motorcycle. I hope it's a phase and it passes quickly. Very quickly.
Well this entry is sooo boring but I am feeling pretty boring tonight so I guess this expresses it well. ha.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Repeat after me...ain't....ayyy-inttttt.....
My husband is going out of town tomorrow, and other than my son, who stays upstairs most of the time when he's not attending classes, I will have the house to myself. I get to "live single" for the next three days. What does live single mean? No, not some illicit affair. It means I get to have the whole bed, leave the tv off an entire evening and listen to music, not have to talk to anyone when I get home from work, not care what's for dinner or even if there is dinner. It means I can have the last coke in the frig if I want. It means I can get out of the shower without being oogled (is oogled a word?)
Don't get me wrong. I love my husband It's just that I was single a long time before I met him and I kind of got used to "my space". I'm really looking forward to the quiet.
We went to see Flightplan today, and it was pretty good. Lots of action, fast moving plot. And Jody Foster shows that women can still look good at any age. I saw Charlize Theron on Oprah talking about how she doesn't mind getting older. I thought, "No I wouldn't worry about it either if I looked like her." Ha. Oprah is not concerned either. She's lost her weight (hiring a cook and personal trainer helps). She's got billions. Her biggest problem is those darn shops in France that won't stay open for her. I don't like to watch her show anymore. I used to. But now it's all about celebrities and people like her. I liked it better when she was people like us. Am I the only one who thinks her fame has gone to her head, that she gives that haughty look like she owns the world (probably could). Ok, I'll lay off Oprah. I'll stick to Dr. Phil. I know he's real. He even says "ain't" once in awhile.
Don't get me wrong. I love my husband It's just that I was single a long time before I met him and I kind of got used to "my space". I'm really looking forward to the quiet.
We went to see Flightplan today, and it was pretty good. Lots of action, fast moving plot. And Jody Foster shows that women can still look good at any age. I saw Charlize Theron on Oprah talking about how she doesn't mind getting older. I thought, "No I wouldn't worry about it either if I looked like her." Ha. Oprah is not concerned either. She's lost her weight (hiring a cook and personal trainer helps). She's got billions. Her biggest problem is those darn shops in France that won't stay open for her. I don't like to watch her show anymore. I used to. But now it's all about celebrities and people like her. I liked it better when she was people like us. Am I the only one who thinks her fame has gone to her head, that she gives that haughty look like she owns the world (probably could). Ok, I'll lay off Oprah. I'll stick to Dr. Phil. I know he's real. He even says "ain't" once in awhile.
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