To Beeee Or Not to Beeeee

I tend to go back and forth from wanting to be home to wanting to go back to work to wanting to be home. It's easy to understand right now, because I'm in it, why I want to quit work. It's a pain in the ass, it's hard work, it's hard to get up early and have no time to myself. It's work, come home, watch boring tv, go to bed, get up, go to work, etc etc all week. The weekends I spend dreading Monday and watching the time click by knowing Monday is getting closer and closer. I think of all the things I could do if I was home. I think of how obnoxious some of the people at work can be, how I feel like I'm not included in anything, like I'm an outsider, like no one notices what I do, or cares. My check comes and is gone and then it's another week to go through. I feel like my life is going by. Is this really how I want to be spending the remainder of my life?

Turning fifty means thinking more seriously about that kind of thing. So I decided to quit my job, felt peace about it, momentarily at least, but then the same old doubts started again (Does this mean I don't trust myself to make a decision? Or that I don't know what I want?).
So I decided that part of the problem is I never really "adjust" mentally to being at home, to accepting retirement as a positive thing. I think it happens to many many people when they retire from work. When a younger woman decides to quit work to stay at home, she's usually doing so to be with her children. So basically she's going from one job to another job. When a woman my age quits work to stay at home, she has to fill her time and find her sense of fulfillment in other ways. That's what I failed to do last time.

I had a teacher tell me a long time ago that you have to make a decision, and then make it be the right decision. There's a lot of common sense in that. I have to make being at home a rich, rewarding, enjoyable experience. How do I do that?

Well I came up with a few ideas. One is I can't use being at home as an excuse to let myself go, to stop caring about how I look or how I dress. I think getting up and having a routine, including dressing, doing my hair, etc, is important to feeling good about each new day. Then I have to spend some time doing tasks that need to be done, without expecting perfection or completion. Like cleaning the house, decluttering, running errands. I tend to get frustrated if I clean out one drawer but don't have time to clean out every closet in the house. Or if I get the refrigerator cleaned out but don't have time (or inclination) to do the entire kitchen. But I think having some time to do tasks each day, whatever I can get done in that length of time, is the key.

Then I get the rewards of being home, having the rest of the day to do the things I want to do, which right now include practicing my dulcimer, reconnecting with old friends, developing a spiritual life that is meaningful to me (whatever that means), writing, photography, day trips to places I've wanted to go see, journaling, music, watching movies my husband won't watch, and just having some time alone. The problem with me is I feel like I have to be doing something to be valuable. I have to figure out a way to feel valuable by just being.

If this sounds like hooey, it's because my mind actually thinks like hooey at times. ha.
If anyone has any answers for me, I'm ready for suggestions.