Sick with a cold, head feels like it's going to explode. I went down and bought some quickie dinners so I can just throw something in the oven and call it dinner.
I took the plunge and called to see who I can get for a new counselor with this new insurance we got that started in January. They gave me three names of women. Then I sit there and can't figure out which one to call. It's hard to choose someone when you don't know them. So I just called one and got an answering machine....and then called another and got a receptionist. The one who has a live receptionist won out. I go next Monday.
I want to figure out where to go from here. When I said in my profile, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, it's true. I think I have spent my life just doing what I needed to get done each day, and the days went by, the months went by, the years went by and then suddenly I woke up one morning and I'm almost fifty. And I can't help wondering if I could have been on a better path than the one I'm on. Did I do all the things I wanted to do with my life? What did I want to do with my life? What is that elusive "something else" that will make me feel content and happy? What do I want to accomplish?
It's not that I think I don't have time to do all that, or that death is imminent. ha. It's just that if I'm going to do SOMETHING, I better get my butt in gear. I need goals. I need a list of things I want to do, see, be. I need to stop living in the past and figure out where I want my future to go. I keep feeling like there's something I'm suppose to accomplish that I'm not doing. I guess this is what "they" call mid-life crisis, except I'm not running out buying a sports car and wearing clothes like a twenty year old and chasing sex partners half my age. I'll leave that up to the men to do. Women are smarter than that. They just sit and stare at the wall and try to reason all this out.
I have so much more than most people ever find. I have a nice home that I like, the sweetest husband in the world, great, smart, talented kids, a dog who loves me no matter what. I don't really have to worry about money, although I'm not much on spending a lot, and neither is my husband. We manage to pay our bills and still be able to go out now and then or go on trips or whatever.
He's talking about retiring in twelve years. So the way I figure it I've got twelve years by myself during the day every day to pursue the things I want to do for me. Just need some direction. Maybe the counselor can help. Everytime in my life I went into counseling, I came out with a lot of insight into myself I never had before. I had LOTS of "light bulb" moments. AHA! Now I seeeeee...............And it's always amazed me how the really simple things I just couldn't seem to figure out on my own. You know. "WHY DIDN'T I SEE THAT BEFORE??"
All I know is there has to be more to life than sitting here watching tv and getting fatter.
No comments:
Post a Comment