Putting Life on Pause

I complained to my counselor last week that my life isn't going anywhere, I'm not accomplishing anything, I don't know where I'm headed, and I'm not feeling productive. She smiled.

I explained how I used to think I wanted to go back to work because there I felt needed, appreciated, and competent, but then after having dinner with my boss and his wife, remembered why I quit that job and why I'd never go back. I spent many years of my life raising children, and that gave me a feeling of being needed. She nodded.

So now I am here at this point--facing fifty next year-- and I don't know why I can't seem to do anything, and on top of that, am having this problem with my balance that adds to my being stationary in my life...She laughed.

Then she asked if perhaps I had thought that maybe what I am doing right now, taking a "pause" in my life, isn't just what I'm suppose to be doing?

I told her I believe God gives us each something to do, and I'm sure I'm not getting my purpose met.

She said God also may be thinking it's time for me to stop and listen, and since I seem so adverse to it, he gave me a health challenge that wouldn't debilitate me but just slow me down for awhile...
It was clear she wasn't going to join me in my wallowing. So I began to feel frustrated.

She asked, "Why do you feel you have to be DOING something all the time?" My only response I could come up with was so that I wouldn't waste my life, so I'd feel worthy of it. She said that maybe, just maybe, I am right where I am suppose to be, and maybe just maybe I might be worthy of life even when I'm sitting still and taking a break.

She sure gave me a lot to think about.
I struggled so hard to find a purpose, something to do. When I first stopped working, I threw myself into spring cleaning and de-cluttering. After awhile, I realized that is a job that I'll never get a sense of accomplishment for because it never is DONE. So then I tried crafts, only to discover I am not a crafty person, and it was actually more annoying than relaxing. Then I began to write, which I enjoyed until I made it something I HAD to spend a lot of time doing every day or else I wasn't DOING IT RIGHT. And certainly I had to be selling a lot of things. So I found myself with three stories being published in the next few months, with a few checks coming in, and enjoying the writing less and less because I made it be about the money. I bought canvases and paints and never touch them. I bought movies to watch that still have the wrappers.

So most days I get up with no "to-do" list and hours of free time and end up with them passing without anything really accomplished. But today I realized I'm HAPPY and peaceful. Despite all the pausing, I'm happy. I enjoy puttering around here not having to meet any goals, or deadlines, and not having to please anyone but me. I enjoy the hours of silence during the day even when I'm just sitting looking at the birds out the window. I enjoy playing with my puppy, or taking a nap on the couch with a big feather pillow and a quilt. And one of the things I used to pray for daily was a peaceful life....

So maybe, just maybe God is trying to tell me to BE STILL, like a fidgety child. Be still and look. Be still and listen. Be still and learn. So for now, I'm on pause, and I'm going to stop worrying about when I'll push the play button again.