Seems like it's been forever since I posted. I went to see my therapist on June 24th. I knew I hadn't been myself in quite awhile, but thought I could pull myself out of it. When I saw her that day, after about thirty minutes of her probing questions, I admitted I had some thoughts of suicide occasionally. She called my psychiatrist. Then she asked for my husband's cell phone number. I remember telling her that I was meeting him for lunch at 11:30. I have no idea what time that was then.
The next thing I know he came in, and I burst out into tears. He held me a long time while I cried and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept saying, "It's ok. Don't worry about anything. It's all going to be ok." Then he cried with me.
They sent me to the hospital's behavioral health unit, and I don't remember a lot about how we got there or checking in, except what he told me. I felt like I was sort of disconnected. He said I kept apologizing to everyone.
That was on a Tuesday, and he was allowed to visit Wednesday, and then not again until Saturday. All I did for days was sleep, get up, go to group, go to bed. Sometimes I ate, but mostly I didn't care about eating. I tried to read books he had brought me but ended up reading the same page over and over and gave up. I saw the doctor every day. He changed my meds, re-changed them. I told my husband I didn't want him to tell anyone I was there. I didn't want to worry anyone or see anyone. He did tell my kids and his mom.
I went to the groups unwillingly. It took me awhile to speak in one. The first time I was forced to talk, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room and cried the rest of the afternoon. I don't know what day that was. My husband said I called him crying, but I don't remember that. Just being embarrassed about leaving the room in front of people. I took medicine when they handed it to me, and I stayed in bed a lot.
Now they think they have me on some mixture that will work, but they keep saying I have to give it time. I wish I could say it kicked in and I'm feeling great now, but it hasn't and I don't. I do feel more connected to myself though. Just still very tired.
I finished the outpatient program this week. I begged the doctor not to make me go next week. He said if I could get two appts with the therapist I didn't have to. I did, thanks to my husband making a lot of calls.
I feel numb. I do feel some better than I did. I can read now and concentrate on that. I don't know what else to say. I still feel ashamed of all of this. I now know my labels. I'm "major depressive disorder," and "generalized anxiety." I'm also still wandering in the forest.
2 comments:
"I still feel ashamed of all of this."
There is no shame in what you've been going through Kathy. You are taking care of your health. If you had breast cancer and were treated for it you wouldn't feel shame.
I know you've heard this before but I'm going to say it again. You have a chemical imbalance...something that is not within your control.
Be proud of yourself for being pro-active instead of wallowing in it. Feel good about what you've done to help yourself, don't ever feel ashamed.
I agree with Cathy, don't feel ashamed. I'm sure my words aren't going to change that, but there's nothing shameful. Just think what could happen if you didn't get help, if your husband and therapist weren't there to recognize the signs and get you help. You could be in the same place as your friend who you write about, the one who you wish you could've helped. When you talk about her, you don't sound as though you're judging her, which is what I'm sure you think we are doing. You only wish you could have helped her. You have 3 kids who are doing great, a granddaughter who is doing great - I know you wouldn't want to leave that. So if checking out of the normal day for two weeks to go to inpatient treatment is what you need, then more power to you. And I bet nobody in that group thought any less of you because your left the room crying. Everybody there has issues they need to deal with.
Be strong.
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