Love and Forgiveness

My daughter called me yesterday to tell me a relative of her husband's did something wrong many years ago, and the truth just came out. He has admitted his mistake and come clean with his family. People think the hard part for him is just beginning, but it's not. He's had to live with this all these years, keep a part of himself from the people he has loved, and wonder if they could still love and accept him if it came out. Now he has to face public scrutiny and the embarrassment that entails, and that's horrible I'm sure. But what will be harder is the self-degradation he will put himself through amd has put himself through all these years. I told my daughter they have to love him and support him, because they are family and that's what families are for. And not to judge him or question him about it because there is nothing they can say to make him feel worse than he must already feel.
Then today I started thinking about it. I have punished myself for years for mistakes that I have made in my past, mistakes that were not illegal, not major compared to a lot of things, but they were major to me. Like not being there for my kids when they needed me, and for putting my "social life" above their needs, for letting them know my anger toward their father and the details of the ongoing battle our divorce caused (Did I alienate them from their father or did he do that to himself?). Also, I have put myself in relationships with men where I was not valued, if anything I received more emotional abuse than anything else. Because of my mistakes, my family of origin wants nothing to do with me. I worry about every problem one of my kids makes and if I somehow caused it. (Part of this comes from my sister who assured me that my decision to divorce their dad would screw them up somehow). So everytime one of them gets fired from a job, or gets a speeding ticket, or thumbs their nose at Christianity, I put myself through all these self-recriminations.
Well, after talking to my daughter about her relative, I realize that I can't change what has happened in the past. I worry what people (her husband for one) must think of me for the mother I was. I worry about whether my kids can ever forgive me for the mistakes I made. And I breathe a sigh of relief everytime I examine their lives and they seem healthy and happy because maybe I didn't screw them up too badly. I guess this is just part of being human and being a mother.
After years of counseling, I have some understanding of where I was in my life when all this happened, how I was a co-dependent woman with no self-esteem who looked to others for my self-worth, and thought I had to have a man tell me I was ok to be ok. I realize all that. But all these years I have not forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made. I am reminded of them when I don't get invited to my sister's for Christmas and for other family things. And I remind myself of it all the time with tapes I play in my head.
I've asked God to forgive me, and although in my head I believe He has, in my heart I don't feel forgiven. I think this comes from not letting go of it, not allowing myself to be human. I think it's time I stopped beating myself for things I cannot change, and leave the past in the past, make amends to those I can, and move forward. I know I'll never be happy unless I do.