More Revelations

Tonight I made homemade pizza with no extra salt. I even made the crust in my bread machine. They were really good. It satisfied the craving I've had lately for pizza. And it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I used my bread machine to knead the dough, then rolled it out and let it rise in the pans. I put bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, and mozzarella. I used low sodium spaghetti sauce.
I almost forgot this morning that today was my day to see the counselor. Today we talked about my impatience to speed this process along. She told me we have to deal with the past before we can deal with my present and my future. She said to stop rushing it and just let it happen. I just feel like I've expressed my feelings about my family of origin and they are no secret, so why do I have to keep talking about it?
She also called me on the statement I made about being too old to make any major changes to my life. She said well in five years, you'll be 53 whether you are meeting your goals or not. Would you rather be 53 with goals attained, or 53 and not having done anything. So that made sense.
She gave me two books to read this week. I guess that will keep me busy.
I guess it all comes down to trusting the process. I got the best therapist I could find, I am doing everything she says I should do (even when it's painful) and I just have to let it go and let it happen.
I told her that I didn't go to my cousin's funeral, because my family was going to be there, and I didn't want to face that situation. I told her my daughter's advice was that I was giving them too much control over my life, and if I go and cry, so what? It's a funeral and you're suppose to cry!
She said well that's your daughter. That's not you. And I don't think you're ready to face them at this point. Comparing myself to others is not helping me either. (But I am extremely proud my daughter is able to speak up for herself, and I'll get there!)
I also told her I think it's hard for my husband as I go through this process because I don't share with him what happens and I think he feels shut out, or like I'm pulling away from him at times. I just don't feel that I can explain things the right way. She suggested I bring him in on the next session, so he can understand how she is trying to help me, and what he can expect from the process, etc. I don't tell him when I'm peeved, and I don't ask for what I need from him sometimes, so I think that would be helpful, if for nothing else but opening a dialogue between us. I don't want to whine to him about it. I don't want to do that with anyone. I do that within the four walls of the therapist's office, and I do that in this blog. I am afraid of people feeling pity for me. I don't want that most of all. But as I have learned, what other people think of me is none of my business. I'm letting that one sink in.