A therapist once told me that my ex and I made a perfect couple, when I looked shocked, she laughed and said, "He doesn't take responsiblity for anything, and you take it for everything." He could never accept our divorce as having anything to do with him. He was more comfortable in the victim role after the divorce, and before the divorce, I would have to say I was very comfortable in the victim role. His angry outbursts controlled my life and my kids' lives. I truly wonder if he was manic depressive, plus being an adult child of alcoholism, but then I figured out that his diagnosis wasn't my problem. When we were married, I begged him, pleaded with him to go get counseling, to at least go to our family doctor and tell him how he was feeling and get some medication, something, anything. He told me, "Listen, I'm not going to do any of that. You either like the way things are, or get the $#%$ out." I took the out. He assured me, that no man would ever have me, that I would spend the rest of my life alone. And I was angered by that, but totally believed it. I wrapped myself in my children, and lived the next year not even recognizing interest from men towards me, not even when friends pointed it out. I was that convinced that they wouldn't want ME. Then a year or so after the divorce, I met a guy through a lady at church. He was lonely and needy as I was. He wanted a wife, and from day one told me what I needed was to get married and settle down with him and build a life for my kids. Three weeks later, I married him. Two weeks after that, I filed for divorce, when I realized what I got was a man who valued not me, but the fact that I had a house and a job, and he wouldn't have to work because of it. My family ridiculed me for that mess, but no one felt more ashamed of it than me. I did a stupid stupid thing. Then I didn't trust myself, but I still wanted someone. So I went out and married a man 19 years my senior, who really deep down hated women (but that was ok, because I didn't like myself either), and he spend the first year of our marriage trying to fix me. Trying to dress me, teach me what he wanted in a trophy wife. I bent, I bent, and as I bent I was crumbling. I left him. We got divorced. He begged me to get back together. I gave in. We got married again. Same thing. We got divorced again. And THAT time, I got my butt into counseling. I told her my story and she said, Go out and buy a book called Love is a Choice and read it. I went back and said very interesting book. Not sure what it has to do with me though. What do I do now? She said, READ IT AGAIN. The second time through the light came on and I finally got what codependent was and how it applied to my life decisions. Wow. Blew me away. That's when I took the year off from dating. Things have been different since then.
I don't think I could ever have chosen a man out of NEED. I had to get to the place inside myself where I chose one out of WANT. I think coming at it from NEED means coming at it from FEAR. And coming at it from WANT, is more a place of LOVE.
I didn't get to stay in counseling very long that time, because of the finances. So after hubby got his new insurance this year, I decided it's time to go back and finish what I started. It's very hard. I leave there with my eyes swollen from crying and feeling totally exhausted. I come home and don't want to think about anything or feel anything. And I let myself be numb when I need to be.
I wanted to tell you about the session last week. My sister is having a family reunion at my Dad's this weekend. I was torn over whether to go. Part of me said you need to, you're obligated. Part of me said, I don't want to. I told the counselor I needed some advice. She said ok. I want you to hold up your two hands. I did. She said your left hand is the one that says you should go. The right says you shouldn't. Now I want you to think about your left hand. The part of you that says you need to do this. How old is this person? What is she wearing? What room is she in? Who is around her? What are they doing? How is she feeling? etc etc. It seems so silly to me at first. But I tried to go along. I got so into the questions she was asking, that after buckets of tears and some terrible memories coming up I had put out of my mind, I finally identified the two most dominant parts of my personality. One is the scared young girl who wants to be good, who wants to please everyone, to make them like her and not be angry with her. Who was victimized by the people she cared for most, and blames herself, and thinks if she was only better, she'd be loveable. The other part of me is the rebellious thirty seven year old (age I was at first divorce) who says screw them. She's the angry one. She's the defiant one. She's the one who can spit in their face and tell them all where to go. She's the one who acts out, who does things or says things that I later feel guilty about. Then it hit me. All of my decisions come from one of these two "females" in me. All of my indecisions come from them fighting it out. She said I needed to "exorcise" both to them and come to a happy medium, and that's what we are going to work on. I'm simplified what happened but I swear the process was so intense and so enlightening, it floored me. And it made everything make more sense to me.
As for the Meniere's, it's better today. The weekend after I saw the ENT, I was very sick with it. Since then it's been better except for the occasional mild vertigo. I'm trying to not prejudge how this is going to affect my life and just wait and see, and do the best I can with each day. The thought of having limited driving scares me. The thought of being afraid to go off far from home in case I get sick bothers me. But I'll just see how it goes.
I met the neatest lady from writing this blog. Somehow she found it through a search engine and we've been exchanging letters ever since. Good things do come from blogging!
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