I Seeeeee Youuuuuuuu

I spent the last two nights at the hospital having a sleep study done. Recently when I had my ear surgery, the nurses were concerned about my "shallow breathing" and "low oxygen levels" when I was sleeping. My husband said I've always been a shallow breather, and that sometimes at night it is hard for him to tell if I'm breathing at all.
So my doctor ordered this. I had some idea before I went there that my sleep would be recorded and reviewed by a doctor, etc. I figured I'd have some pads to monitor heartbeat or whatever. I figured out once I got there I didn't know anything. I was taken to a room that looks very much like a hospital room with cheap hotel furniture in it, and told to put on my night clothes, make myself comfortable, and someone would be back in later. I did. There was a recliner in there, so I sat down and turned on the tv. I'm relaxing when a voice comes over the speaker and says, "Would you please look at the camera above you? I'm going to take your picture. No, take off your glasses and look up a little more. Yes, that's it. Thanks." So during this I realize that I've got a real person staring at me through a camera that rotates all the way around the room as I move about.
Then a lady comes in and hooks about ten million wires to my scalp, chest, hands, and legs. She also wraps two tight bands around my chest and waist. Wires are then placed under my nose, under my chin, by my temples, behind my ears. By now, I figure I look like the creature from the black lagoon. Now I'm told to lie down on my back, she turns out the lights and says to try to relax. She leaves, only to re-appear as Miss Speaker Woman. "Hello, look straight ahead, now left, now right, now center, up, down. Ok, now flex your left foot. Again. Again. Right foot, again, again. Breathe through your nose, now your mouth. Now take in a deep breath and hold it. Breathe. etc etc. After all this is over, I'm told, "Now you can go to sleep."

Sure lady. Uh huh. I'm thinking, Go to sleep. Ok, Go to sleep. Relax, Breathe. Am I going to sleep yet? No, think of something else. Go to sleep. Someone is watching me right now. I wonder if they think I'm asleep? I wonder if they can tell by all these wires? Wouldn't it be cool if they could tell what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you are all bitches. God, I hope they can't tell. Awww. God. I have to go to sleep. Relax. Ok, I'm relaxed. Now think about....what? Counting sheep? I hate sheep. Just count my breaths. I wonder what kind of things they've seen people do? Do men lay there and scratch in weird places? Or make disgusting sounds? I bet they do. Men can be so crude. Stop thinking. Breathe. Count breaths. How's that. I lost count. Does that mean I'm going to sleep? I wonder how fat I look lying here. Shut up. Go to sleep.

I learned I am no good at sleeping under pressure. I'm terrible at trying to sleep in a fishbowl while wondering if I'm going to turn over and expose something that shouldn't be exposed. Are there just women behind that camera or men, too? Oh God, what if there are men too?

Somehow I got through two nights of that. I managed to sleep some. Long enough for them to decide I breathe too shallow to get sufficient oxygen. So tomorrow I go back to see the sleep doctor. I hope he learned everything he needs to know, because he had his last chance to spy on me in bed. He's not that cute.