Stinking Thinking

I'm still seeing the counselor every week. Yesterday I had a break-through, epiphany, whatever you want to call it. I figured out that, for as long as I can remember, when I find myself in any situation, my thought process is to immediately find out what the "rules" are, and then to follow them so I will feel good about myself or else be thought well of by others. In school, it was easy to know the rules, which assignments were to be completed, and I knew if I did them and put forth my best effort, the teacher would be proud of me. I needed that attention, so I tried to be perfect.
Then in relationships, I immediately tried to figure out what the other person expected, what they thought of as the "have-to-have's" from their partner, and I tried to be that.

When I stopped working, I evaluated my situation and decided that now I'm a homemaker, and a good homemaker has to X, Y, Z, etc. Then if I didn't get those things accomplished, I felt bad, unworthy, useless. When I began journaling, I was afraid to write anything in that pretty new book because what if I messed it up and "didn't do it right." What was the correct way to journal?

I avoid social situations because I don't know what the rules are to interact with people I don't know. How can I do that if I don't know what they expect? If I don't say the things that would make them think I'm a good conversationalist, what will they think of me?

So I've always known I needed structure to feel safe and secure. When things are unorganized or I don't know what is expected, I want to retreat from that. Now I know it's because I have lived my life with 1) figure out the rules. 2) follow them ALL and 3) feel good about me or 4) don't do them all or don't do them right and feel rotten.

I used to work for one hospice where I started with a defined job description. I knew exactly what things I was responsible for, I made a plan to do them all correctly, and I did that for years. Then I changed jobs and was working for a newly acquired company where everyone was confused on what the new job roles were, so no one knew how to advise me, and I was to "wing it" and just "do what you can" until further instructions came, which took several weeks. I hated working there, because how could I feel good about myself if I never knew what the rules were and whether or not I met them?

I know I'm going on and on about this, but this was like this HUGE lightbulb DUH! moment for me when I finally GOT this.

I remember once the therapist asked me why I felt I had to always be DOING something to be ok. Why wasn't I still ok even if I spent a whole day goofing off at home, playing at doing crafts, or something and didn't DO anything "valuable." I had no idea what the heck she meant? If I don't accomplish anything useful to others, then I'm not a good wife or mother or whatever. Geez, why didn't she get that? ha.

So...now that I know I do this, I'm going to have to become more aware of that when I do it. She thinks I will come to accept myself and feel ok just being me, without having to DO anything specific to earn being an acceptable person. I have put this kind of pressure on myself always.

This is a form of legalism, and probably why I was always attracted most to churches that had rigid rules. Then I knew what I had to do to be a "good" Christian that God could be proud of. Eventually I'd figure out I never was able to keep all the rules, (because I kept finding out about new ones these people listed as "a good Christian does this, too") or I failed at the ones I tried. So I'd leave that church and start over somewhere that I might be able to do it right. (After all, God can't love me if I don't do it right.)

I asked her how I change this, and she said it's a process. I wanted to know what the steps of the process were, and she refused to give me a list to follow so I'd know if I was making sufficient progress at the right times to do this. Sigh.