Up, Up, and Away

I'm doing my last errands for my trip to Seattle on Tuesday. I'm not very adventurous by myself, and my son telling me that the Dallas/Ft Worth airport where I change planes is HUGE didn't reassure me about it all, but I think it will be ok. I have my Kindle loaded with tons of books, so I'm set for reading. I have a compressible pillow that I can use on the plane, so I don't have to use the airline pillow with leprosy on it or something. (I'm a bit of a germaphob). I'm looking forward to getting there, but not so much about the traveling part. I managed to get a window seat on three legs of the flights, but not the one going from Dallas to Seattle. On that one, I got an aisle seat. I feel safer tucked into the seat by the window for some reason.

My daughter gave us her desktop computer because they mostly use their laptops. We gave it to my friend, Dawn. We took it by when she got home from church, along with a bucket and the fixings from KFC. The kids were more excited about the chicken than the computer. ha.

When I got there, she was sitting in the van in the driveway with the windows rolled down. I asked if she was getting ready to go somewhere, and she said no. She said she just felt overwhelmed sometimes and goes out and sits in the car in the driveway. I felt sorry for her. I had called to say we were on our way there, and the kids had said she was outside, but I just figured she was talking to a neighbor or working in the yard or something.

I have recently read Love in the Time of Cholera, The Bell Jar, Cold Rock River, and am now reading The Well and the Mine. Next on the list is The River Wife (picked by my bookclub). I am also suppose to read a self-help book recommended by my therapist while I am in Seattle. It's called 7 Steps to a Better Life (???) or something like that. I got it for the Kindle.

Today is my husband's birthday. Tomorrow is my son-in-law's birthday. Then Tuesday is my mom's birthday. Mine is not until later in the month. I'll be 52. I look in the mirror and think who is that person? I look at pictures of myself and don't recognize that person. I guess I've reached that point in life when I realize I'll never really be attractive again. Losing weight may make me feel better, but it will probably just make my skin sag more. Then I tell myself that I'm a grandmother, and I'm in my fifties, and this is just a different time in my life. Still I feel I lost something I'll never get back.

The worst part is my jawline. It is not tight, but looks saggy, like frown lines. If I smile, it goes away, but when I'm not smiling, there it is. I look at women on tv, like on the View, who are older than me, and figure they must do Botox. It's hard to know what 52 actually looks like when it's not lifted, tucked, injected, or edited. I guess it looks like what I see in the mirror.

My mom said,"I'll be 78 this year." I said well that doesn't sound much older than me. But it's 26 years older. That's how my mind works. My friend, Dawn, will be 50 this month. She said it's odd because inside she feels the same, but the outside seems to belong to a stranger. I said I get that. In some ways, it takes the pressure off. No matter how much I lose weight, or get gussied up, I'll not turn heads anymore. So now I can just do it for myself. If I do my nails, it's because it makes me feel better, not so someone else will notice. I can wear what I like. And I can let my hair grow, because what's the difference in an old lady with long hair and an old lady with short hair--either way it's an old lady. ha.

Our Tivo konked out last night. Actually, the cable is bad between the satellite and the Tivo. We ordered another cable, but it won't be here for a week. I feel bad about leaving my husband here with no tv. He's addicted. The only reading he does is CD's in the car. I know he managed fine before he met me, but I still feel bad leaving him for two weeks.

I leave Tuesday at 2:30 and will arrive at 9:40 at night, but that's actually 11:40 here, so I'll be tired, unless I can sleep on the plane. I'm taking my laptop to Seattle, so I'll try to post and let you know how I like it.