Dark Clouds Moving In

This is going to be a hard post to write, because I don't like to talk about this. I've been off my antidepressants since last spring. I've done great. I've been out exercising, doing things with people, felt better, talked more, just felt alive. The last few weeks, I can feel the depression coming back, and it makes me so angry that this is happening. I feel exhausted all the time. My body hurts, and even shifting position in the chair is painful. I don't want to do anything, except maybe cooking. I don't want to talk on the phone, or go to the door, or have to talk to people at the pool, so I've made excuses not to go. When I do go to the pool or to play cards, every comments on how quiet I am.
I went back on my sleep medicine, but found the nights I did take it didnt make me feel any better the next day, so now I only take it on a night when I can't get to sleep any other way. But I don't know how to stop this cloud that is moving into my life.
I know me, and I know that major depression, which I have been diagnosed with, is a chemical thing, and that there are chemicals my brain is just not making that I need to feel myself. I'm not surprised as my brain has not been doing such a great job in other areas since menopause set in.
I called my doctor to ask if I could just go back on the antidepressants and how many should I take to begin them, and they said he wants to see me today.
All I want is to be normal. It's so frustrating to try so hard to be normal and then every day recognize yourself withdrawing and know it's not right. I feel so ashamed to feel depressed. I have nothing in my life that is upsetting to me right now. That's what makes me believe it has to be chemical, and I feel helpless to stop it.
Why can't I be like other people?