Opening the Vent

Years ago, I saw a doctor when I was in the hospital for depression. (my one and only time) Just being hospitalized for it scared me into realizing I couldn't ignore anymore the way I was feeling, and I had to make some positive changes to survive. My daughter helped me tremendously, and although I felt like a total burden to her during the time right after, if I hadn't had her help, I don't think I would have made it through it. She helped me financially, helped me to realize that even though the job I had was paying the bills, I was paying a huge price emotionally for staying there, so I closed the business and totally changed careers that was "beneath my education" according to some people, but I thought absolutely suited what I needed at the time.
Anyway, back to "I saw this doctor when I was in the hospital" and he asked me this question, just out of the blue, nothing leading up to it: "Who are you angry at?" To which I hemmed and hawwed and after a long pause of being totally blank, I finally said, "Myself I guess." To which he replied, "That's the wrong answer." Of course, he never told me what the right one was.
Well this past week, the counselor asked me who I get angry at. I said I've gotten angry at the nurse at the hospital who wasn't taking care of my son. I've gotten mad at my ex when he's upset the kids. She said that is getting mad for your children. When have you gotten mad for yourself? Well I couldn't think of anything. So I sat there again with this dumb look not knowing what to say.
Through the years, I've learned from reading the another definition of depression is anger turned inward. I don't know what I think about that in my case, but I do realize that I was raised in a good family who just never showed emotion. No one got really angry, or cried, or got really frustrated. And no one got depressed. When other people say they "need to vent" I'm not sure I've ever done that. I've cried on my husband's shoulder when I was worried about my son's surgery, or when I found out I had to do a legal deposition in a case I was a witness in by being at the wrong place at the wrong time. But anger?
So this blog entry is to help me get at some of the things that make me angry. No pet peeves. I mean beyond that, realllllly p#ssed.
I'm mad at my mother for taking sides with my sister and allowing this break in our family.
I'm mad at my sister for not loving me unconditionally because I made mistakes and God knows she and her children are so perfect!
I'm mad at my first ex for having an affair with some bimbo in the PTA and keeping it from me for a year while it happened and humiliating me in front of everyone at the school and in the neighborhood who knew when I didn't. I'm mad at him for every mean thing he ever said to me when we were married, like I was "too ignorant to do this or that" and how he'd "rather play with himself than sleep with me." I'm mad at every man I ever allowed in my life to use me. I'm mad at ex number two for being alive and for taking advantage of my low self esteem to worm his way into what he saw as the gravy train. (I stopped the train and threw him off three weeks later when I realized what I had done.) I'm mad at ex number three and four (they were the same guy) for manipulating me with things he knew I had never had or with things he knew we desperately needed so I wouldn't see him for the controlling, abusive, mean person he was and cut him out of my life before wasting so much time on his butt.
I'm mad at ex boyfriends for saying things like "You may be smart when it comes to books, but when it comes to relationships, you're dumb as a post" and "I'm sorry but in this relationship, you don't bring enough to the table." I'm mad at all the "I'll always love you and be true to you and never lie to you" that were bullsh*t. I'm mad at the landlord I had when my daughter was just home from the hospital who knocked on my door because a dog had gotten into the garbage and said it had to be picked up now and couldn't wait an hour for my husband to get home, even though I'd just had a c-section and was home alone with a premature baby. I'm mad at the woman my ex brought home one time from a party (and him for letting her into our house) I wouldn't go to because I was "in my shell" and she was drunk and staggered into my living room and said, "Honey we need to talk about why you don't want to go anywhere. Do you think you're pretty? Well, you're not. But you should get out more anyway" while falling over my furniture. I'm mad at my ex for having a vasectomy I was against because he "was finished" and not caring what I thought. I'm mad at the idiot doctor who let my son almost die before admitting he was imcompentant to handle his problem. I'm mad at my mother for allowing herself to be used by my sister. I'm mad at my father for the way he looks down on women and talks to women, and thinks women are brainless idiots only good for cooking and cleaning. I'm mad at my father for treating my mother like a slug and then being the "poor pitiful man" who's wife left him for his best friend. I'm mad at my step mother for always treating me badly and making fun of me when I was little and for every time she talked hateful to me when he wasn't around. I'm mad at her for making such a huge difference in me and my children and her children and grandchildren at Christmas. I'm mad at my dad for letting her. I'm mad at my boss for being so whipped he let his wife move in and take over a business she knew nothing about and run over everyone so badly I couldn't stand to be in the office with her and her loud mouth. I'm mad at my friend Rachel for not talking to me about her plans and then committing suicide at thirty years of age. I'm mad at God because if he is all powerful and loves me so much why couldn't he just send me some little sign that he loves me and I'm not alone in all this and that he loves me in spite of myself.
Sorry if you've had to sit through reading this, but I think I learned today how to vent. Right now, I feel like a kettle who's boiled over and can't seem to cool down. But I guess it's a start.