Old Me, New Me

My sister and mother are coming today to visit. I have lived here since March of 2000, and this is the first time my sister has been here to visit. I figure my mom is dragging her here, but well, there ya go. I have been noticing a big difference in the "old me before years of therapy" and the "me now" in how I react to things. The old me would have worried about what she would think about my home, what I was wearing (she has been known to made snide comments in the past about both), etc. The old me would have spent two days cleaning.

But the now me went to play cards all day yesterday at the senior center. The new me got up this morninng and made the beds, dusted the coffee table, and wiped down the toilet in the guest bathroom. I think it looks fine, and the new me cares more about that than what anyone else thinks.
The old me would have picked out her clothes today with the thought in mind of "What will she say about this one? Will she think this is too bright?" The new me thought, I like this shirt, it's comfortable, I'll wear it.

Last week when I went to play cards, one of the ladies asked if I would take over the calling tree for reservations (we have to tell the senior center how many we will have because of the lunch). I hesitated and she was very convincing, so I said ok. I figured I will give it a try, so what. Then later in the week, another lady who also has handled this task called, very upset. Who had given me this to do? Why was it given to me instead of to her? She said, "It's not that I don't think you can do it, it's just that I've done it a long time."

The old me would have thought, Oh my, what's wrong with me, she thinks I can't do this, she doesn't trust me, etc. But the new me said, "I didn't want to do it anyway, so you're welcome to have it. In fact, I'll run the notebook by your house in a few minutes." The old me would have avoided going around that woman again, because I felt insecure and had my feelings hurt. The new me went in yesterday, hugged her, and had a ball playing cards.

One of my children reminded me the other day, when I was whining about them leaving home, that when they were teens, I was so wrapped up with a "idiot man who will remain nameless" that they felt neglected. The old me would have been crushed, and would have immediately tried to justify my bad behavior. The new me thought about it a minute, then said, "You are right. That's how it was. I'm sorry, and I wish I could go back and have that time again." Old me, new me. I made mistakes. I can't change them. I can say I am sorry, and do what I can to do better now. Maya Angelou says, "I did then what I knew. And when I knew better, I did better."

Now you can say what you will about therapy, and I realize I spent boo-koos of money on it, but I got results. It took a long time but I do see the progress. Not only that, but my husband sees it.

We were with some friends the other night, when they brought up the Octomom and how she should have her children all taken away from her. I told you my best friend has a huge family, limited money, etc, so I have a difference perspective on this from most people. I also loved kids and may have had a larger family myself had circumstances been different. So when they said her children should be taken away, I added, "I disagree. I think even though she may have shown bad judgement, she still loves her kids, and her kids love her. To take them away now would only hurt the children by dividing them up with people they don't know. If you took away the kids of everyone who had them and couldn't afford them, over half of the kids in America would be in foster care. You can hate her, but don't take it out on the kids. Give her the help she needs to care for them. That's how I feel."

My husband's mouth fell open, and the ladies (aren't women wonderful to talk to) just jumped in and kept the discussion going, actually considering the children's side of things. When we got home, my husband said, "Not only are you out socially now, but you feel confident enough to offer a differing opinion, even when it may not be popular. I am proud of you."
I'm proud of me, too.