Long week and it's only Wednesday. I kicked up the secret shopping this month, so I can have some extra to save for a trip to see my son in Seattle later this year. So I've been getting up really early to do breakfast shops.
Then I have the twins three days a week for homeschool. That part is going well. They are very quiet and polite. I'm working very hard to make them very comfortable, but their mom said they are just very quiet. As twins, they talk a lot, but only to each other, in private. I bought a magnetic poetry game they seem to like, to use in their English study. I also got a software disc called Math for the Real World by Davidson that was one of the favorites of my students when I had the tutoring center. It's a hippie band traveling around and you do word-type problems to help them along the tour.
I am still sick, and sick of being sick. This is my sixth (?) round of antibiotics. My lungs still sound like rice krispies. I'm on 4000 mg of Augmentin per day. I'm ready for this to be over!
I'm losing weight. The doctor is very happy. I was stuck for several weeks but it's picked back up again. I still drink way too many diet drinks and not enough water. Oh well. I can't give up candy and diet drinks. My life has to have some vices!
I've always wanted a pair of boots. I see all these fashion shows on tv with cute boots, and through the last several years, I've ordered many pairs I had to end up sending back. You see, I had fat calves. Yep, more like cows than calves. And those darn boot were always too tight.
But the boots I ordered in the mail that got lost with the loose label mix up ( I think I blogged about that, didn't I?) ended up showing up from the lost post office division. Since I've lost some weight, I was hopeful, but fearful. I let those boots sit here on the couch in the box for three days afraid to try on yet another pair and have them not fit my cows. But guess what. They do. In fact, they are LOOSE. I love them. I HAVE BOOTS! And they are CUTE.
I am still seeing the therapist. Yesterday, I had one of those light bulb moments. She finally made me realize that I only care what people think, that I only let them push my buttons or hurt my feelings, etc....IF I SOMEHOW BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING ABOUT ME IS TRUE.
So it's not what they say, or what I think they are thinking...it's what I'm thinking about myself. It's the filters in my brain I run things through. I hope this makes sense as I write this because this was such a HUGE deal with me. If you tell me, I'm fat, I'm going to get my feelings hurt, because in my mind, I say, "They are right. I am fat. I am SO fat. I look like a whale. IT must be these jeans, I knew I shouldn't have worn them. They make my butt look huge" etc etc.
But if you say, "God, you are so tall. You are so tall, you must feel like a giant giraffe!" Now my mind thinks, "Hey, you bit*h, I am not tall. I'm only 5'5". That's normal. You obviously are nuts. I'm fine." And I go about my day.
So changing how I feel about me, changes the way I react to others. Aren't you proud of me. It only took YEARS of therapy to "get" that.
My son is moving the 27th to Seattle. He's going to be staying with us three days in between them taking his furniture and his flight. I told the therapist I was afraid I'd cry when he left and I didn't want to make him feel badly about going. She said she cries everytime her son leaves for Oklahoma, and that it's FINE to cry. It's FINE to let him know I will miss him. I just have to keep telling myself that. If you hear about flood warnings in the South, you'll know what happened.
3 comments:
Now that she has helped you figure out that you need to change how you feel about yourself, did she give you any advice about how to change how you feel about yourself?
That is where I would get stuck. I need to learn to love myself but, how do I learn to do that?
As for crying when your son leaves. I would think it would be expected. I lived far away from my parents for 17 years. We all cried after every visit home. When I lived in ALBQ, New Mexico we would come home for a visit and I would cry all the way to Fort Smith, Arkansas on our way back to New Mexico.
We have to let our kids go and make a life of their own. It is our job but, we don't have to like the fact that they are going to be so far away. So, let the tears flow. You will feel better afterwards.
He is going to have a blast in Seattle and you will also when you go for visits. You will look sharp as hell in those boots walking around Pike Street Market.
Cathy, I wish I had a short answer to give you about changing how you feel about yourself/myself, but it's really been a long process. I have been in therapy for so many years, and I'm very hard headed. In some ways I really see myself changed, and in other ways I feel stuck. But overall, I think I've made a lot of progress. A biggie with me was getting really honest with myself about the things in my life I feel guilty about, processing them, and then gradually letting that go. Also, going through the defining moments in my life and recognizing that the things I told myself through those times shaped the way I react now. Just realizing that helped a lot. Then there were the books, tons of books, tons. I've read, then had to re-read...And through all this, trying to figure out who I am and what I like and dislike, what builds me up, what tears me down. Like I said, no easy answers. Getting truthful with yourself and stopping the excuses is also key.
My mom used to cry ALL THE TIME when she left her parents. She cried a lot when I left for college, and when I'd go back after Christmas and summer. Now she only gets a little funny sounding, I think she tears up after she pulls away from the airport. I'm sure he didn't feel guilty - or if he did, he was over it by the time he got on the plane =)
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