Love in Different Ways

Today, my sister and I went through Mama's things. Mama was very neat, not a pack rat by any means, so the things she held onto through the years were the things that meant a lot to her.
When I was fourteen, I realized my mother had never said I love you. I went to the mall and found a card that told her I loved her. I remember how scared I was to give it to her, and how it took me a couple of days to get up the courage. I played it all out in my mind, and imagined I would give it to her, she would read it, and then she would say I love you, too.
I remember she had just finished putting away the supper dishes one evening when I gave it to her. She dropped it into her robe pocket. I said no, read it! She opened, read, and said that's nice. I was crushed. So crushed in fact that I still talked about that card in therapy decades later.
I opened Mama's dresser drawer this morning, moved a few papers, and there it was--my card. She had kept it over 40 years. Yes, I did the ugly cry. I brought it home, and realize she showed her love for me by the way she saved my card.



We also found Mama's credit cards, tied together with a rubber band, with a paper wrapped around them....and a note to herself...."Don't Even Think About it!"

Bye Mama

Saying still here is saying a lot considering the year I've had so far. After losing Daddy in January, my mom had a heart attack on April 9, and she died on April 10. I was able to see her at the hospital before she died, which I missed with my grandmother, so for that I am grateful. I'm still feeling shock from all this. It just doesn't seem real. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. I think if the realization of all of it hit a person at the same time, they couldn't handle it. They say God only gives you what you can handle, so I guess he knows I'm at my limit. Mama went very suddenly. The doctor said it was a blood clot in her heart. She's with my step-dad now, and I can't think of any place she'd rather be.
My sister and I are talking and are much closer now. I went out and spent the day with her Tuesday. We spent the morning talking and then had lunch. She's going to teach me quilting this summer. I'm not too crafty, other than drawing, but not sure that qualifies. I used to do cross-stitch back when it was the big thing, but have run out of walls to hang anything.  My eyes are not sharp enough to see the patterns anymore. I do need something to occupy my time, though.
I really do appreciate all of you who have sent your condolences. It means a lot to me.
My daughter had surgery yesterday, for an ovarian cyst that ended up being on her tube and not her ovary. So they took part of the tube and left both ovaries. Hopefully this will make her feel better as she has hurt from that sucker for years. We are here spending time with the grandchildren. My son-in-law has to go back to work on Monday, so we are going to stay and help out.
I feel like my life hasn't been normal in a long time. Hopefully it will go back to some semblance of normal at some point. I just feel so scattered, and usually some routine to my life calms me down.

This is the picture of my mom that my niece put on her casket during the funeral. She was always feeding folks. 

Crazzzzzy!

"I'm going crazy, oh crazy, oh crazy,
I'm going crazy, cause that's the way I'm going!"
--Granddaughter's original song, age 5
You tube video

I want to add a verse!
Her grandpa's at the wheel, driving me there.
When he retires, I'll be nuts but won't care!

Can you tell how my weekend is going? I take special notice of my weekends now. I figure they are a glimpse into the future, four years from now, when he retires. It's not a pretty picture. Ha.

If things continue as they are, we will spend our golden years watching TV and eating Girl Scout cookies. He will get up now and then to go to the bathroom, and will pause the TV at the good part, then stay in there two hours.
Or...he will scrunch up his nose when I mention a Lifetime movie, will put on some car-screeching, exploding, screaming war movie in a spaceship....and then hold onto the remote while he lays back and goes to sleep and snores loud enough to rattle the windows. When I attempt to confiscate the remote, he will get angry, say he was most definitely NOT asleep, and If I thought I heard snoring, I must be hearing things... Oh, I'm going crazy oh crazy oh crazzzzy!


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Home Again

I got home from Seattle last Wednesday. I really enjoyed my visit. I told my husband that since all our children are in different states, we should move when he retires in four years, because there is nothing holding us here, and I'd rather be closer to kids or grandkids than here. I guess Daddy's death made me realize we need to cherish the time we have. My dad was always super-duper thrifty. He saved all his life, and he was good at making money. He didn't take vacations, or eat out at restaurants. he used a wood-stove to heat his house. he raised his own pork, beef, chicken, and eggs. Since he's gone now, my step-mom let me know that her daughter is getting all the money, now. I said she should do that if that's what she and Daddy would want. Well, my own mom is having a fit that I and my sister were cut out, and she doesn't think we should have anything else to do with my step-mom. Well, I told Mom that I wasn't going to fight over money, that I would still treat them kindly, and do what I felt was right. She is not happy at all. My dad has a farm, and supposedly that will be divided four ways, between me, my sister, my step- sister, and my step-sister's two children. But that could change too. I've always hated the buzzards circling when there is a death, but I do know that's not what Daddy would have wanted. I see the therapist tomorrow. I'm about to quit, probably at the end of this year. I'm going to discuss what her goals for therapy are, and try to wind this up. I guess she may have a different opinion. I am feeling better. Warmer weather is helping. Sunshine is helping. I am sleeping well without Ambien for the first time in nearly 15 years. I take Melatonin, no caffeine at night. I got a hearing aid, and it's nice to be able to follow conversations without missing half. So far it's been a good year. I hope you all are having a good one, too!