Kicking the Kitchen

So what do you do when you know you're depressed, you don't really want to see anyone, and your medicine hasn't kicked in yet? You tear up your kitchen. You take everything out of the cabinets and drawers and pantry and you toss and reorganize. And it's AMAZING how great this job is to do. It takes away the nervous feelings with all the bending, stretching, and lifting. It gives you a real sense of accomplishment one cabinet at a time. And it is very freeing when you see the last of your "giveaway" pile being hauled off. That's what I've been doing for several days. My husband has been working (and cussing) a model he bought and wanted to put together at our kitchen table, so I've been doing the kitchen. I may even take some pictures when I get finished. It's shaping up, and just doing it makes me feel useful, which is a good feeling.
We had a nice dinner last night with my son. He came over to eat and watch tv for awhile. It was nice to see him. I think my daughter, son-in-law and grandbaby are coming down this weekend. It will be good to see them, too.
I'm down 22 pounds now. Depression does have one positive effect I guess.

Dark Clouds Moving In

This is going to be a hard post to write, because I don't like to talk about this. I've been off my antidepressants since last spring. I've done great. I've been out exercising, doing things with people, felt better, talked more, just felt alive. The last few weeks, I can feel the depression coming back, and it makes me so angry that this is happening. I feel exhausted all the time. My body hurts, and even shifting position in the chair is painful. I don't want to do anything, except maybe cooking. I don't want to talk on the phone, or go to the door, or have to talk to people at the pool, so I've made excuses not to go. When I do go to the pool or to play cards, every comments on how quiet I am.
I went back on my sleep medicine, but found the nights I did take it didnt make me feel any better the next day, so now I only take it on a night when I can't get to sleep any other way. But I don't know how to stop this cloud that is moving into my life.
I know me, and I know that major depression, which I have been diagnosed with, is a chemical thing, and that there are chemicals my brain is just not making that I need to feel myself. I'm not surprised as my brain has not been doing such a great job in other areas since menopause set in.
I called my doctor to ask if I could just go back on the antidepressants and how many should I take to begin them, and they said he wants to see me today.
All I want is to be normal. It's so frustrating to try so hard to be normal and then every day recognize yourself withdrawing and know it's not right. I feel so ashamed to feel depressed. I have nothing in my life that is upsetting to me right now. That's what makes me believe it has to be chemical, and I feel helpless to stop it.
Why can't I be like other people?

New Things

My daughter, who is so talented made me this beach bag. How cute is that?



She has a web page on Etsy and does a lot of monogrammed baby items.


Ok, maybe I'm in a shopping mood...but I just bought the cutest spice rack. Isn't it cute? I get so tired of digging through two cabinets looking for spices.

Skype, Cooking and Playing Matchmaker

I found a lady on Skype that does piano lessons on the computer. I signed up and start next week. I took piano lessons many years ago, until a divorce meant my ex took his beautiful Baldwin piano and left. Since he didn't play, and I did, that smarted some. But it was his piano.

I also started a cooking blog. Nothing fancy. Just what I actually make for dinner every night, when I cook. If you comment, please try not to lead people back to this one! I'd be disowned by my family if they knew what I said in here to you all. :-)
I lost that twelve pounds the dr told me to lose, plus some. Then he said my blood sugar was still up and I may have to go on medicine in December anyway. Really ticked me off. I may or may not take it. It was 101 fasting, which is not really that high. So we'll see.

My hubby and I went to see District 8 with my son at the movies. Stay away! It was HORRIBLE. I fell asleep twice.

A neighbor decided I should fix up my son with her granddaughter. Even though i decided he would not appreciate that, and I wouldn't mention it to him, she keeps at me. Every time I see her, she mentions it again. I don't know how to put an end to it gracefully. She's not his type. She's a very nice, sweet, quiet girl, and he's into the bad girl stripper type. No they are not marriage material but I don't think that's what is on his mind right now.

Julie, Julia, and Me-- Boeuf Bourguignon

Top Three Things Accomplishments in my Life-- One--Met and married (finally) a good man, Two--Gave birth to three beautiful children that I like as well as love, and Three--Made Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon.
I saw Julie and Julia two times. LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. Of course, I had to have Julia Child's cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, vol 1, which I received from Amazon this week. The food in the movie looked soooooooooo good. And looking through the cookbook, I saw several things I wanted to try, but the first one I had to make was Boeuf Bourguignon. Oh Julia. You're awesome, Lady.

I bought whole button mushrooms, a bottle of Merlot, lean stew beef, pearl onions, and unsalted beef stock. Everything else in the recipe I had. I spent fifteen minutes chopping and measuring before I began. Then I cooked for an hour or so. And here comes the hard part...I had to wait the two hours it simmered in the oven, when the aroma of the food made me want to eat it straight from the hot pan, and not dive in face first.

Finally, it was done...one more step- reducing the sauce, and it was ready. Break a french baguette, smear with a little butter, and use the rest of the bread to sop up that sauce...Oh God. Heaven. My husband said it smelled fantastic, and that if it tasted half as good as it smelled, we had a winner. Well, it tasted better than it smelled. Yes, there are simple recipes for Beef Burgundy-- but I bet it won't taste like this.

I've lived 53 years through a lot of meatloaf, chicken and dumplings, and cornbread. But I never knew something like this existed. If Julia Child were still alive, I'd hug her neck. I love you, Julia.

Now, what I learned...when you saute mushrooms..they soak up the butter from the pan immediately and they look so dry. But wait...keep stirring and after a couple of minutes they begin to glisten as the butter rises out of them, and they brown beautifully.

I learned to dry my meat before browning, and it actually does brown better.

I learned to crush my spices before dropping them in.

I learned to clean my mushrooms right before using, or they soak up the water.

I learned that I don't have very good cookware, and need new. I also learned that a cook as good as this who could make this heavenly dish needs new knives, too.

And I learned that "quicker and simpler" doesn't mean it will be delicious. Good maybe, but not drop dead lust over food like this recipe.

Oh. Julia. We wondered how you got your husband, Paul, to chase you around the bedroom daily. I bet the smell of this was in the air, and he was so turned on, he took it out on you.

As my granddaughter says....YUMMYYYYYYYYYY.

Say Whatttt?

I joined this thing a long time ago, online, called Girlfriend's Cafe, a social network for women to meet other women for friends. Then, as with most things I do online, I forgot all about it. One day a couple of weeks ago, I got a message that I had an email on the site, and it was from a lady in my town. She said she didn't know many people and was just looking to meet some women she could go out shopping or have lunch with. We wrote a couple of emails and talked about our kids. Then she said she didn't want to email but would prefer to talk on the phone and could she have my number. I said sure. The day she was suppose to call, I forgot all about it, and had my phone in my purse in the bedroom, so missed all three of her calls. She left messages, so the next day, I was in the car and had awhile to drive, so I called her back. She talked a long time about her husband's surgery, etc. Then she called me again Friday, but I was on my way out the door and couldn't talk. She asked if we could have lunch this week, and I told her my daughter will be here all week, and it's not good for me. After we hung up, I started thinking about it. I really didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. I honestly can't remember much she said on the phone either time. That sort of freaked me out. Was I not paying attention (I thought I was as I carried my half of the conversation for quite awhile) or am I being forgetful? Is this Alzheimer's like my dad? All this passed through my mind. Why can't I remember anything? Part of me just feels really overwhelmed, and I realized I don't want to be friends with her, because it feels like an obligation I have to take on. I know how awful that sounds, and how she'd be better off without me, because I don't think I make a very good friend.
Now I go through...is it her when she calls? Do I have to answer? Can I just put her off until she loses interest? What would she think if I admitted I don't remember anything she's told me? Am I losing it here?
I'm feeling really scattered lately- almost like PMS, but it's a little late for that. I'm antsy, my mind wanders, I sit and stare at the tv and miss whole sections of the show. I read and have to keep going back. And I feel so tired. I was taking m blood pressure medication but started feeling so weak. So my husband took my BP and it was 100/45. I stopped taking it but then started swelling up because I don't have the duiretic in it. So..some days I take it, other days I skip, and I feel wiped out.
Yes, this is a wandering rambling post, but it fits how I feel right now.

I Took the 43 Things Personality Test

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Romantic Self-Knowing Believer

More of the Same Ol' Stuff

I haven't updated my blog in awhile, and I'm not going back to read what I've written before, so if I repeat myself, well...I'm old, get over it. ha.
We had a good weekend in some ways and bad in others. We saw two movies, Orphan (good if you like scary movies) and Ugly Truth (sort of a chick flick written for guys, who won't go see it, and the women who do won't like it, although..the woman behind us thought it was hilarious and laughed louder than anyone I've ever heard). I stuck with my diet. I'm down 19 lbs. I had been stuck for quite awhile, and now seem to be edging down again.
I dyed my hair red, because I felt like it. I think I like it, but I'm not sure yet.
I lost my calendar book, the one I carry in my purse with every appointment, address, phone numbers, etc in it, the one my life is planned on, the one I'd be lost without. I've searched everywhere, so it's gone. I bought another one, but haven't even attempted to start putting things back into it yet. I did call to make sure I didn't have a doctor's appt today, as I knew it was sometime in August. I lose things like this, and then I get mad at myself for not being more organized. Then I get organized for awhile, let it go, and lose something else important.
I told someone today I feel like I did when I used to have PMS, only I don't know what to call it when it's not PMS, it's menopause. She said you call it HELL. Sounds about right to me.
We signed up for a cruise with our townhome community for May of next year. About 20 couples are going. I'm going with my son on one in November. I'm looking forward to both of them. Also worried about the money they cost.
Well that's about it around here.