Moral Inventories

I'm still going to OA, and I have fifteen days of not overeating. It's a good thing, because I got the results of my physical and I'm pre-diabetic. The doctor has given me three months to lose twelve pounds. So far, so good.
I'm working through the twelve steps. I did my fourth step inventory and finished it last night. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...." Mine took seventeen pages. I thought I knew everything I had ever done wrong until I started answering the questions and writing and boy...more stuff came to my mind. Well I held nothing back. Just wrote and wrote and wrote. Got it all out.
And I feel much better. I emailed it to the lady I asked to sponsor me.
There are OA meetings online now, but I also go to some about thirty miles away. My husband has gone with me a couple of times and is going with me tonight.
I got my hair cut, and I mean CUT. It's very short. My husband almost had a heart attack, but it took me like zero time to wash and dry it this morning. I'm not sure I love it, but I like it. And it will grow.

Well, that's all that's new around here. Same old, same old stuff.

What God Looks Like

Quick update: Have to make this quick because we have cards tonight.
So...the OA group is a 12 step group which means you come up with a version of a Higher Power you can live with. Well, I realized that when I say God in my head I get this picture of a stern taskmaster of judgement. A man, of course (Baptist, of course.)
So I thought, I've got to have a new image of God. And I didn't figure God would mind, since God is not really male or female. That's my belief, anyway. So I thought about it.
You'll like this. Now when I say "God" I think of Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes. And I talk to her. I think God would be pleased. She's a nice lady to talk to.
As for me being a binge eater, I've been eating compulsively since I was eight. (Just ask my daughter.) I've been on EVERY diet imaginable. I even lost on some of them. But sooner or later, my food addiction (and it is) would rear it's ugly head and I'd gain it back and more besides.
I'm old. I don't care about losing weight and looking like a fashion model. I just want to be able to eat without it consuming my thoughts every minute of every day, and feeling so freaking guilty about what I'm eating. I want to get rid of baggage as much as pounds. Both would be nicer.

Short Update

Since I went off the low carb diet last fall, I have gained and my eating is out of control. Last week I went to an OA meeting. I used to go years ago when the kids were little, and I'm starting back.
I know for me, diets don't work long-term. I have to do something drastic. I'll let you all know how it goes. I haven't overeaten since last Wednesday. That's a big thing for me, the queen of binges.
We got a new printer. Ours konked out a few weeks ago. I didn't know how much I used the printer until I didn't have one. My son came over last night and installed the new one. We can use it wirelessly from both laptops. I'm always amazed by technology.
My granddaughter will soon be two. My husband and I were talking about it last night and we were both amazed it had been that long since she was born. Seems like just yesterday I had called him to come get me so we could rush off to the hospital. She is growing so fast and looks more and more like her mom did at that age every day.

Trekkies, Roses, and Diamonds

Yesterday we went to see Star Trek for my husband's birthday (last week) and he loved it. I'm not a trekkie but I have to admit it was a very good movie.

We went by the book store and met Elizabeth Bettina, the author of It Happened in Italy, a book about prisoner of war camps in Italy and how much better the Jews were treated there than in Germany. She signed a copy for me, noting it was the second book she'd ever signed in a bookstore. Of course, that is every writer's dream, to be sitting at the little table in the bookstore signing copies of your latest book. She was very nice, and gave us some of the stories behind the pictures in the book.

My son came by and brought me some roses for Mother's Day. They are beautiful flowers. My daughter sent me the funniest e-card. My youngest son will be calling later, I'm sure. He's a very late sleeper since he works the night shift.

Speaking of the youngest, he bought his girlfriend an engagement ring this week. He special ordered it, so it hasn't come into the local jewelry store yet, but since they had been looking at rings together, the proposal won't be a total surprise. However, she doesn't know he bought the ring. She wanted a certain look, and he found it in something he could afford. I'm happy for him. I like her a lot, and will be glad to have her as a daughter-in-law and future grandchildren's mother! (Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself.)


So to all you mom's out there, Happy Mother's Day. Kiss those babies.

Prostitutes and Frostys

Busy, busy week. Three family birthdays, two doctor's appointments including the ol' annual physical, consoling a friend, a ton of laundry I never got to over the weekend, and on it goes.

I made a decision to turn off my computer and television every morning so I could make myself get off my butt and clean my house. So how is that going? I get up, work hard for about thirty minutes, and then collapse on the couch with BOTH the computer and the television on, and argue with myself over how lazy I must be, why can't I get this done, etc. etc.

I only had the cleaning lady once before she had knee surgery, and I really want to get EVERYTHING here clean at one time like she did, but the part of me that used to be able to clean the house from top to bottom in one day seems to have gotten lost somewhere through the years.

My friend called to tell me that she's a horrible person and all the reasons why, and I consoled her telling her how she's awesome (and meant it) and how she should stop beating herself up. All the time I'm beating myself up about all the things I should have done this week but didn't because I have no willpower, instead of being glad for all I DID accomplish this week. I also realized my grandmother is talking in my head. For instance, I haven't put away the last load of laundry yet, although it is folded in the basket. My grandmother's voice in my head says, "You haven't DONE the laundry until it's put away."

Lightning hit our internet box last weekend, so instead of taking that as a gift from God to get me to clean my house, I start searching frantically for an unsecured connection in the neighborhood I can use until my son comes over to hook up the new box.

My friend was complaining about her house being so cluttered, and how a lady from her church reminded her that "God is a God of order." I told her if he loves prostitutes and tax collectors, he surely loves us in spite of our messy houses.
So I have the best of intentions, really. I just lack motivation or energy or gumption or something. I am so jealous of people who start projects and finish them.

The doctor says I have Roseacea, and gave me this fantastic stuff called Metrogel that, in less than a week, is helping take away the redness. I add that to give hope to anyone reading this with Roseacea. He also said I had lost five pounds since I was there a month ago. That is a miracle. As I was talking to my friend, she said, "Hold on...I'll have a large Frosty." She was in the drive-thru at Wendy's. All I could think of was going to get me a Frosty so I would feel better, too. But I had a piece of strawberry cake instead.

Look at My "NEW" Table!

My hubby moved my grandmother's table downstairs and it now takes one end of my kitchen. Everytime I look at it, I remember sitting at that table at my grandmother's house eating hot oatmeal with raisins. I'd love to add more vintage or vintage-look items to my kitchen as the budget permits. I really like the way it looks. I can see myself sitting there copying recipes or writing my short stories.

My son moved out into his apartment and I miss him something awful. I have to admit I enjoyed having someone here to fuss over and to cook for besides just me and hubby. I got up everyday and made his lunch. He said I'd have to come over to his apartment and make lunch for him everyday. ha. I hate empty nests. You get used to being needed for something and then you aren't anymore. (Honestly, I know that's not true, but that's how I feel today.) I miss my kids being little and running around while I made dinner.
I am making a strawberry cake today from a Paula Deen show. Here is the recipe:

Simply Delicious Strawberry Cake

Recipe courtesy Paula Deen

* 1 (18.25-ounce) box white cake mix
* 1 (3-ounce) box strawberry-flavored instant gelatin
* 1 (15-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
* 4 large eggs
* 1/2 cup vegetable oil
* 1/4 cup water


Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting
* 1/4 cup butter, softened
* 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
* 1 (10-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
* 1/2 teaspoon strawberry extract
* 7 cups confectioners' sugar
* Freshly sliced strawberries, for garnish, optional

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease 2 (9-inch) round cake pans.

In a large bowl, combine cake mix and gelatin. Add pureed strawberries, eggs, oil, and water; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth. Pour into prepared pans, and bake for 20 minutes, or until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove from pans, and cool completely on wire racks.
For the frosting:

In a large bowl, beat butter and cream cheese at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Beat in 1/4 cup of the strawberry puree and the vanilla extract. (The rest of the puree is leftover but can be used in smoothies or on ice cream for a delicious treat.) Gradually add confectioners' sugar, beating until smooth.

Spread frosting in between layers and on top and sides of cake. Garnish with sliced fresh strawberries, if desired.

I am not going to make the strawberry icing exactly as it called for, as I couldn't find strawberry extract. I am just going to make cream cheese icing and add a bit of the strawberry puree and a couple of drops of red food coloring to pink it up.