I have come a long way since this blog began. I have finally found the right medications to keep the worst of the depression monsters away. Although I have days when my motivation is bad, they are fewer. I no longer fear confrontation. I am able to go to people about conflicts and talk it out, which I could never do a few years ago. I speak up for myself more, and I give more value to my own opinions and beliefs.
We ave a new dog. Her name is Abbey, named after the Beatles Abbey Road. I love the Beatles music, almost as much as James Taylor, but not quite.
I think adding a pic to blog posts used to be easier. I can't figure out how now.
My middle son lost his job while I was visiting him a few weeks ago. He's had no luck finding anything yet. It worries me all the time. I feel so helpless.
My sister loves me again. Since our parents died in 2013, just a few months apart, she has buried the hatchet and picked up like nothing happened. I want really badly to just accept this new relationship, but part of me just does not trust it. I'm afraid she'll get mad at me over something and go 15 more years without speaking. I did learn, during all that time, to live without her in my life.
My youngest son is married to a beautiful girl, and they seem very happy. She was just accepted into sonography school. My daughter and her husband are fine, busy with the kids.
I dread Christmas. Anyway, my therapist thinks she is going to desensitize my aversion to all things Christmas, so everytime I go in, she has Christmas decorations everywhere! :-)
Monday, August 17, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
This is so me!
MELANCHOLY (Introvert)
Melancholies need to learn to communicate their feelings; emotionally they are very protective and guarded. The way that a Melancholy demonstrates or says that they love someone is by being dependable and responsible not in physical or verbal terms necessarily. Because of their intellectual and analytical energies they can see the end results of a project before moving forward.
Melancholies have a very sensitive emotional nature; feelings dominate their being. Sometimes moods will lift them to extreme highs; at other times they will be gloomy and depressed. The secondary temperament will often help balance this out. My secondary temperament is Phlegmatic and it most definitely balances these tendencies in me, especially as I get older. Unsocial by nature, meeting new people is difficult and social activities are draining.
Melancholies when rising to their strengths, and once these strengths are brought under God, the Melancholy is capable of great and wonderful things. When Melancholies sink to their weaknesses they become destructive to themselves and those close to them.
There is great comfort and reward when we submit ourselves to God (regardless of what temperament we possess) and learn to live out our strengths in the temperament that He has given us. The Melancholy is very valuable in the body of Christ under His control. Read through the Melancholy’s strengths and carefully consider if the Melancholy would not be a blessing and asset to their family, to the Kingdom of God, the Church, and the community where they live. God help each of us to live in the strengths of our temperament, our in-born “nature”, God has given us.
The pure Melancholy for example is an introvert and a loner. Melancholies are more task oriented as opposed to relationship-oriented. Melancholies tend to be perfectionists and set unreasonable standards and goals for themselves and the people around them.
Melancholies are very loyal people: to their family and friends. If they make a promise the Melancholy will keep it. Melancholies are very creative people, but are prone to deep depression. They are very private people, as well as very serious.
They are self-motivated, and do not respond to the promise of reward nor the threat of punishment.
Often they are not satisfied with only one chance at something because they feel they could always do better. They tend to take a more realistic viewpoint. A Melancholy knows their limitations and they rarely take on more than they can do.
The Melancholy temperament is the most self-centered; their extreme sensitive nature causes them to be easily offended or insulted. They can be suspicious and jump to unfounded conclusions. They have the tendency to self-examine themselves to the degree that they become inactive, and unenergetic; over thinking everything can cause a variety of problems.
Melancholies may be calm and quiet on the surface but they are often angry and resentful. They tend to keep those feelings to themselves until they build up and eventually the anger explodes in a fit of rage.
SUMMARY
Introvert, loner, great thinker, genius-prone, very artistic and creative, often found alone in thought, perfectionistic, slow-paced, great understanding of tasks and systems, a critical and challenging mind, and seeing both the pitfalls and the end results of a project undertaken.
Extremely moody, suffer from “black” depressions, reject people, set standards neither they nor anyone else can meet, develop habits that are very hard to break, have suicidal tendencies, low self-esteem and are pessimistic.
Good at decisions and responsibilities in known areas, very good leadership abilities. They adhere to the rules and they need very little control over the lives and behavior of others.
Rigid, inflexible, sensitive to failure, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, apt to be a rebel and procrastinate.
Very faithful, loyal friends and self-sacrificing. Their feelings run deep and tender (even though they lack the ability to express these feelings). They easily empathize with others and have the ability to make very deep commitments.
They dissect the past with theoretical “what ifs,” i.e., “what if” he had given me flowers, I would feel loved; “what if” I were prettier, they would love me more. Also, they are critical of others, angry, cruel, vengeful, emotional, rarely tell people how they feel, have a low self-image and are sensitive to rejection from deep relationships. The loss of a deep relationship (even by death) is devastating to them.
Melancholies need to learn to communicate their feelings; emotionally they are very protective and guarded. The way that a Melancholy demonstrates or says that they love someone is by being dependable and responsible not in physical or verbal terms necessarily. Because of their intellectual and analytical energies they can see the end results of a project before moving forward.
Melancholies have a very sensitive emotional nature; feelings dominate their being. Sometimes moods will lift them to extreme highs; at other times they will be gloomy and depressed. The secondary temperament will often help balance this out. My secondary temperament is Phlegmatic and it most definitely balances these tendencies in me, especially as I get older. Unsocial by nature, meeting new people is difficult and social activities are draining.
Melancholies when rising to their strengths, and once these strengths are brought under God, the Melancholy is capable of great and wonderful things. When Melancholies sink to their weaknesses they become destructive to themselves and those close to them.
There is great comfort and reward when we submit ourselves to God (regardless of what temperament we possess) and learn to live out our strengths in the temperament that He has given us. The Melancholy is very valuable in the body of Christ under His control. Read through the Melancholy’s strengths and carefully consider if the Melancholy would not be a blessing and asset to their family, to the Kingdom of God, the Church, and the community where they live. God help each of us to live in the strengths of our temperament, our in-born “nature”, God has given us.
The pure Melancholy for example is an introvert and a loner. Melancholies are more task oriented as opposed to relationship-oriented. Melancholies tend to be perfectionists and set unreasonable standards and goals for themselves and the people around them.
Melancholies are very loyal people: to their family and friends. If they make a promise the Melancholy will keep it. Melancholies are very creative people, but are prone to deep depression. They are very private people, as well as very serious.
They are self-motivated, and do not respond to the promise of reward nor the threat of punishment.
Often they are not satisfied with only one chance at something because they feel they could always do better. They tend to take a more realistic viewpoint. A Melancholy knows their limitations and they rarely take on more than they can do.
The Melancholy temperament is the most self-centered; their extreme sensitive nature causes them to be easily offended or insulted. They can be suspicious and jump to unfounded conclusions. They have the tendency to self-examine themselves to the degree that they become inactive, and unenergetic; over thinking everything can cause a variety of problems.
Melancholies may be calm and quiet on the surface but they are often angry and resentful. They tend to keep those feelings to themselves until they build up and eventually the anger explodes in a fit of rage.
SUMMARY
Introvert, loner, great thinker, genius-prone, very artistic and creative, often found alone in thought, perfectionistic, slow-paced, great understanding of tasks and systems, a critical and challenging mind, and seeing both the pitfalls and the end results of a project undertaken.
Extremely moody, suffer from “black” depressions, reject people, set standards neither they nor anyone else can meet, develop habits that are very hard to break, have suicidal tendencies, low self-esteem and are pessimistic.
Good at decisions and responsibilities in known areas, very good leadership abilities. They adhere to the rules and they need very little control over the lives and behavior of others.
Rigid, inflexible, sensitive to failure, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, apt to be a rebel and procrastinate.
Very faithful, loyal friends and self-sacrificing. Their feelings run deep and tender (even though they lack the ability to express these feelings). They easily empathize with others and have the ability to make very deep commitments.
They dissect the past with theoretical “what ifs,” i.e., “what if” he had given me flowers, I would feel loved; “what if” I were prettier, they would love me more. Also, they are critical of others, angry, cruel, vengeful, emotional, rarely tell people how they feel, have a low self-image and are sensitive to rejection from deep relationships. The loss of a deep relationship (even by death) is devastating to them.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Polar Vortex and Art
Too cold to go out....and if I don't HAVE to, then it is a very good reason to stay in and do art journaling. My new hobby. Those of you who know me know I love to draw.
I am usually behind the times, so I know art journaling has been popular awhile. I signed up for a few free classes like Journal 52 and "Art Heart & Healing." I loved it so now I am taking a paid class called Lifebook 2014. I do a page a week based on the lesson, and then at the end of the year, we bind them into a book. It's been fun. It's also been interesting to find room in the corner of my bedroom for art supplies when it was already full of sewing stuff. But I managed to find a small, crowded place on my desk and a good lamp and that's all I have needed. Here is one of my pages.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Giving another therapist a try
As I said yesterday, I have been thinking of changing therapists for awhile. I called today and made an appointment at a local clinic with a LPC there. I know, if not for years of counseling, I would not have made an independent decision to do something just because I felt it was best for me.
I don't know if I will click with this new lady, but I am looking forward to someone different. I looked online for reviews of her practice but there were none. I see her Wednesday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I don't know if I will click with this new lady, but I am looking forward to someone different. I looked online for reviews of her practice but there were none. I see her Wednesday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Busy Weekend
My husband helped me this weekend and I managed to declutter and organize the bathroom and master closet. I have the love seat in the living room piled up to the top of the back with stuff, and a friend that is coming to get it all in the morning. She and her husbands help a lot of people from their church.
I heard a line on a TV show that described how I feel about my mom's death. They said you can know something, but still not believe it. I know in my mind she is gone, but there is a big part of me that still doesn't believe it. I think that is probably very normal.
My sis and I became much closer after Mom died, but now we don't talk as often. Right now, I am feeling very, very alone. Like life is going forward for everyone else, but mine is still and quiet.
I am thinking about stopping therapy. I feel like we stopped making progress a while ago, and now it's like she just tries to fill the time. I have seriously considered finding someone else, someone in my city, so I wouldn't have so far to commute. Plus, I think I could use a change. Different person, different strategy. My therapist was the speaker at a group I went to last week, and I realized after her talk that I have heard all this over and over and I was so bored. Maybe that is how I feel in therapy now- bored!
I have been experimenting with essential oils. I have had insomnia for awhile, and have been using this blend with lavender. I am sleeping SO much better. I just put a few drops in a small bowl in front of my fan at night. It works great!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I heard a line on a TV show that described how I feel about my mom's death. They said you can know something, but still not believe it. I know in my mind she is gone, but there is a big part of me that still doesn't believe it. I think that is probably very normal.
My sis and I became much closer after Mom died, but now we don't talk as often. Right now, I am feeling very, very alone. Like life is going forward for everyone else, but mine is still and quiet.
I am thinking about stopping therapy. I feel like we stopped making progress a while ago, and now it's like she just tries to fill the time. I have seriously considered finding someone else, someone in my city, so I wouldn't have so far to commute. Plus, I think I could use a change. Different person, different strategy. My therapist was the speaker at a group I went to last week, and I realized after her talk that I have heard all this over and over and I was so bored. Maybe that is how I feel in therapy now- bored!
I have been experimenting with essential oils. I have had insomnia for awhile, and have been using this blend with lavender. I am sleeping SO much better. I just put a few drops in a small bowl in front of my fan at night. It works great!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, September 20, 2013
September Already
My trip to Seattle was good for me. I was able to do some sewing, cooking, a lot of reading, and just chill. My son worked his regular hours when I was there, so I had my days free. On the weekends, we toured a chocolate factory, went whale watching, and saw a Mariners game.
My mother-in law's visit in July was better. I don't think she has changed, but believe the difference was me. I just don't let her bother me as much anymore. I'm not as sensitive to criticism anymore. She is talking about getting a place and moving here, and even that is ok with me.
My youngest son is getting married next month. I bought a dress. I really dread the wedding, even though I'm happy for him. Meeting her family, all the crowds and commotions, just feels overwhelming. But my daughter reminded me that I dreaded her wedding too, but got through it. I am sure this won't be as bad as the anxiety beforehand.
I stopped seeing the therapist from June to September. I needed a break from that, too. But I am doing good. I really am. I am looking forward to cooler weather, sweaters, The Fall leaves.
Curling up with some good books. I read some good ones lately. I re-read Gap Creek, then The Road To Gap Creek. I have a stack of others on the nightstand.
My son in Seattle is going to be able to get a dog. He has wanted one a long time, but his landlord said no. She finally relented. He will probably get one after the wedding next month, so he won't have to board a new pet. I am glad he will have an animal to keep him company. He grew up with a dog, so he will be a good owner.
My sister and I went to get my stepmother and we all went to the cemetery to take flowers to Daddy's grave for his birthday. Then we went to lunch. It still seems unreal that he and Mama are gone.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
My mother-in law's visit in July was better. I don't think she has changed, but believe the difference was me. I just don't let her bother me as much anymore. I'm not as sensitive to criticism anymore. She is talking about getting a place and moving here, and even that is ok with me.
My youngest son is getting married next month. I bought a dress. I really dread the wedding, even though I'm happy for him. Meeting her family, all the crowds and commotions, just feels overwhelming. But my daughter reminded me that I dreaded her wedding too, but got through it. I am sure this won't be as bad as the anxiety beforehand.
I stopped seeing the therapist from June to September. I needed a break from that, too. But I am doing good. I really am. I am looking forward to cooler weather, sweaters, The Fall leaves.
Curling up with some good books. I read some good ones lately. I re-read Gap Creek, then The Road To Gap Creek. I have a stack of others on the nightstand.
My son in Seattle is going to be able to get a dog. He has wanted one a long time, but his landlord said no. She finally relented. He will probably get one after the wedding next month, so he won't have to board a new pet. I am glad he will have an animal to keep him company. He grew up with a dog, so he will be a good owner.
My sister and I went to get my stepmother and we all went to the cemetery to take flowers to Daddy's grave for his birthday. Then we went to lunch. It still seems unreal that he and Mama are gone.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Summer in the City
I always liked that song, Hot Town, Summer in the City, Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty...ok, anyway! So it's summer. This year has not been a good one, but I still don't wish for any year to fly by. This month, my MIL is coming for her summer visit. She is only staying FIVE DAYS this time (There is a God!) And, the day she leaves, hubby goes on a business trip. He comes home and I leave for Seattle for three weeks. I booked this back after my mom died. I just start feeling overwhelmed and feel like I have to get out of here and have a change. I would love to live in Seattle. I love where my son lives, but I know that would never be in our price range, but being within a bus ride of downtown would be fine with me. I love walking down to Pikes Place and buying fresh seafood, fresh produce, fresh bread--and then coming home and making dinner. Between all the fresh food, and all the walking I do when I am there- plus the R&R, I come home feeling so much better.
This time, I mailed a sewing machine there. I plan to pre-cut some projects to take to work on while I am there. I found a fabric store within walking distance that has rave reviews.
My sister and I started out very close right after my mom died, but now that summer is here, she is busy with her grandchildren every day, and our visiting went to texting, and now we are not doing that very much lately. I think everyone (at least my husband and therapist) was worried that I would get attached to her again, and that she would not hold up her end of the relationship, or would just suck me in and then decide to cut me back out of her life again. I told them both that I was taking this a day at a time. If we spent the day together, I enjoyed the talking, the activities, but I didn't expect there to be anymore after that day. If there were, great. If not, I was not disappointed. I've tried to figure out why she suddenly decided to take back up with me. It's been fifteen years! I know we lost our parents, but she was ok without me before they died. And she seemed to be making such a huge effort after their deaths. After all the times I had made efforts that went nowhere. She tells me she loves me. She asks how I am. I wondered if she promised my mom she would look after me or something? I really may never know.
But summer is taking it's toll on all that, and now that I'm going away for awhile, it will make it even harder for us to maintain the closeness.
I have gotten so used to my little family unit. My husband says we are like an island unto ourselves. Me, him, the kids, the grandkids. That's about it. In fact, with all the time the therapist spends trying to pound into my head not getting into relationships with people who have "inappropriate boundaries" and how I have to respond correctly when I need to be assertive, not be a doormat, etc. I feel like I would be so much better off if I didn't have many people in my life. My husband laughed at that, but I mean, really...It's easier to not have to learn all this if I just limit my world to those I feel safe with. And my FaceBook friends (and blog readers).
I have this one neighbor that sucks the life out of everyone. She's a big time gossip and backbiter, and she ran off everyone else in the neighborhood from being her friend. So...I felt sorry for her. No one wanted anything to do with her. So I started going to lunch with her, and she began to expect things from me, to ask questions I felt she had no business knowing, and to call constantly, invite herself into my life in times she was not asked. I don't realize this until I am totally knee deep into it, and then I have to go back and figure out where did I let her cross a boundary I should have stopped. Geez, I see I'm in the middle of it, but not how I got there. So then I have to go through a process of trying to discourage her from contacting me. It's exhausting. And she's just one example.
I don't work. I don't leave the house often. I don't have to deal with other people really. So why make the effort. I guess that sounds nuts, but it's how I feel.
Ok, here's my main rant for this blog entry. People who put pictures of their scars, ingrown toenails, surgery incisions, hemorrhoids (ok, not really) and other ghastly images on FB. Stop. Pleaseeeeee. Barf. I don't want to see it. I can take your word for it. I don't need proof you are hurt. I will believe you without having to see it.
I've been making patchwork travel pillow cases for gifts, quilts for the grandkids, baby blankets for the kids in the NICU for a project my daughter is involved in, and anything else I can find to "bust my scrap pile." I'm addicted to buying grab bags of fabric. I love getting that heavy box and not knowing what fabrics may be inside. So every other week, I order one. It feels like Christmas.
So I got an embroidery machine. My husband bought me a little table I can leave it set up on in the corner of my bedroom, so I don't have to take it up and down. I bought some blank napkins, placemats, etc so I can try it out.
Well, that's about all for now.
This time, I mailed a sewing machine there. I plan to pre-cut some projects to take to work on while I am there. I found a fabric store within walking distance that has rave reviews.
My sister and I started out very close right after my mom died, but now that summer is here, she is busy with her grandchildren every day, and our visiting went to texting, and now we are not doing that very much lately. I think everyone (at least my husband and therapist) was worried that I would get attached to her again, and that she would not hold up her end of the relationship, or would just suck me in and then decide to cut me back out of her life again. I told them both that I was taking this a day at a time. If we spent the day together, I enjoyed the talking, the activities, but I didn't expect there to be anymore after that day. If there were, great. If not, I was not disappointed. I've tried to figure out why she suddenly decided to take back up with me. It's been fifteen years! I know we lost our parents, but she was ok without me before they died. And she seemed to be making such a huge effort after their deaths. After all the times I had made efforts that went nowhere. She tells me she loves me. She asks how I am. I wondered if she promised my mom she would look after me or something? I really may never know.
But summer is taking it's toll on all that, and now that I'm going away for awhile, it will make it even harder for us to maintain the closeness.
I have gotten so used to my little family unit. My husband says we are like an island unto ourselves. Me, him, the kids, the grandkids. That's about it. In fact, with all the time the therapist spends trying to pound into my head not getting into relationships with people who have "inappropriate boundaries" and how I have to respond correctly when I need to be assertive, not be a doormat, etc. I feel like I would be so much better off if I didn't have many people in my life. My husband laughed at that, but I mean, really...It's easier to not have to learn all this if I just limit my world to those I feel safe with. And my FaceBook friends (and blog readers).
I have this one neighbor that sucks the life out of everyone. She's a big time gossip and backbiter, and she ran off everyone else in the neighborhood from being her friend. So...I felt sorry for her. No one wanted anything to do with her. So I started going to lunch with her, and she began to expect things from me, to ask questions I felt she had no business knowing, and to call constantly, invite herself into my life in times she was not asked. I don't realize this until I am totally knee deep into it, and then I have to go back and figure out where did I let her cross a boundary I should have stopped. Geez, I see I'm in the middle of it, but not how I got there. So then I have to go through a process of trying to discourage her from contacting me. It's exhausting. And she's just one example.
I don't work. I don't leave the house often. I don't have to deal with other people really. So why make the effort. I guess that sounds nuts, but it's how I feel.
Ok, here's my main rant for this blog entry. People who put pictures of their scars, ingrown toenails, surgery incisions, hemorrhoids (ok, not really) and other ghastly images on FB. Stop. Pleaseeeeee. Barf. I don't want to see it. I can take your word for it. I don't need proof you are hurt. I will believe you without having to see it.
I've been making patchwork travel pillow cases for gifts, quilts for the grandkids, baby blankets for the kids in the NICU for a project my daughter is involved in, and anything else I can find to "bust my scrap pile." I'm addicted to buying grab bags of fabric. I love getting that heavy box and not knowing what fabrics may be inside. So every other week, I order one. It feels like Christmas.
So I got an embroidery machine. My husband bought me a little table I can leave it set up on in the corner of my bedroom, so I don't have to take it up and down. I bought some blank napkins, placemats, etc so I can try it out.
Well, that's about all for now.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Cut it all off
I've had times in my life that I've let loose, taken a risk, walked on the edge. Usually when my life has been shaken up, the dust settles, and I think I need a change.
Well, my world has really been shaken with the deaths of my mom and dad, plus a lot of other things. I have been having this persistent thought...I want to cut my hair. Now, my hair is short, but I want it really short. Like this.
I want to start doing some things that are a bit "out there."
I decided to start going to the pool. However, I've gained a lot of weight these last few months. I've found nothing makes me feel better when I'm teary than a DQ Blizzard. So bathing suit...cringe. So I ordered some swim capris and a long swim top that not only can I swim in but also have a high built in SPF. (Coolibar) Now I will look like a very old Olympian. Ha!
Well, my world has really been shaken with the deaths of my mom and dad, plus a lot of other things. I have been having this persistent thought...I want to cut my hair. Now, my hair is short, but I want it really short. Like this.
I want to start doing some things that are a bit "out there."
I decided to start going to the pool. However, I've gained a lot of weight these last few months. I've found nothing makes me feel better when I'm teary than a DQ Blizzard. So bathing suit...cringe. So I ordered some swim capris and a long swim top that not only can I swim in but also have a high built in SPF. (Coolibar) Now I will look like a very old Olympian. Ha!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
I Never Know What to Call These Things
Before my mom died, she ordered some flowers on QVC. She was so excited over them and had been watching for them every day. After she died, they were delivered and the females in the family divided them out. I put mine in a little planter on the porch, and they have bloomed. Mama would have enjoyed these.
We are buying Mama's car. It has been an ordeal trying to get it in our name, and we are not through yet. But it's a very nice car. In it were her sunglasses, some Time Life CD's she bought, and a marble of all things! I put the marble in my jewelry box, and have been wearing her sunglasses.
Mother's Day is going to be tough.
My sister is teaching me quilting, which presents a new dilemma. Where in this home do I store all this stuff! I don't have room for a separate sewing space. I usually just put my sewing machine on the kitchen table and then put it away when I'm done. But I have fabric, notions, etc that need a home. Any ideas?
We are buying Mama's car. It has been an ordeal trying to get it in our name, and we are not through yet. But it's a very nice car. In it were her sunglasses, some Time Life CD's she bought, and a marble of all things! I put the marble in my jewelry box, and have been wearing her sunglasses.
Mother's Day is going to be tough.
My sister is teaching me quilting, which presents a new dilemma. Where in this home do I store all this stuff! I don't have room for a separate sewing space. I usually just put my sewing machine on the kitchen table and then put it away when I'm done. But I have fabric, notions, etc that need a home. Any ideas?
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Love in Different Ways
Today, my sister and I went through Mama's things. Mama was very neat, not a pack rat by any means, so the things she held onto through the years were the things that meant a lot to her.
When I was fourteen, I realized my mother had never said I love you. I went to the mall and found a card that told her I loved her. I remember how scared I was to give it to her, and how it took me a couple of days to get up the courage. I played it all out in my mind, and imagined I would give it to her, she would read it, and then she would say I love you, too.
I remember she had just finished putting away the supper dishes one evening when I gave it to her. She dropped it into her robe pocket. I said no, read it! She opened, read, and said that's nice. I was crushed. So crushed in fact that I still talked about that card in therapy decades later.
I opened Mama's dresser drawer this morning, moved a few papers, and there it was--my card. She had kept it over 40 years. Yes, I did the ugly cry. I brought it home, and realize she showed her love for me by the way she saved my card.
We also found Mama's credit cards, tied together with a rubber band, with a paper wrapped around them....and a note to herself...."Don't Even Think About it!"
When I was fourteen, I realized my mother had never said I love you. I went to the mall and found a card that told her I loved her. I remember how scared I was to give it to her, and how it took me a couple of days to get up the courage. I played it all out in my mind, and imagined I would give it to her, she would read it, and then she would say I love you, too.
I remember she had just finished putting away the supper dishes one evening when I gave it to her. She dropped it into her robe pocket. I said no, read it! She opened, read, and said that's nice. I was crushed. So crushed in fact that I still talked about that card in therapy decades later.
I opened Mama's dresser drawer this morning, moved a few papers, and there it was--my card. She had kept it over 40 years. Yes, I did the ugly cry. I brought it home, and realize she showed her love for me by the way she saved my card.
We also found Mama's credit cards, tied together with a rubber band, with a paper wrapped around them....and a note to herself...."Don't Even Think About it!"
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Bye Mama
Saying still here is saying a lot considering the year I've had so far. After losing Daddy in January, my mom had a heart attack on April 9, and she died on April 10. I was able to see her at the hospital before she died, which I missed with my grandmother, so for that I am grateful. I'm still feeling shock from all this. It just doesn't seem real. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. I think if the realization of all of it hit a person at the same time, they couldn't handle it. They say God only gives you what you can handle, so I guess he knows I'm at my limit. Mama went very suddenly. The doctor said it was a blood clot in her heart. She's with my step-dad now, and I can't think of any place she'd rather be.
My sister and I are talking and are much closer now. I went out and spent the day with her Tuesday. We spent the morning talking and then had lunch. She's going to teach me quilting this summer. I'm not too crafty, other than drawing, but not sure that qualifies. I used to do cross-stitch back when it was the big thing, but have run out of walls to hang anything. My eyes are not sharp enough to see the patterns anymore. I do need something to occupy my time, though.
I really do appreciate all of you who have sent your condolences. It means a lot to me.
My daughter had surgery yesterday, for an ovarian cyst that ended up being on her tube and not her ovary. So they took part of the tube and left both ovaries. Hopefully this will make her feel better as she has hurt from that sucker for years. We are here spending time with the grandchildren. My son-in-law has to go back to work on Monday, so we are going to stay and help out.
I feel like my life hasn't been normal in a long time. Hopefully it will go back to some semblance of normal at some point. I just feel so scattered, and usually some routine to my life calms me down.
My sister and I are talking and are much closer now. I went out and spent the day with her Tuesday. We spent the morning talking and then had lunch. She's going to teach me quilting this summer. I'm not too crafty, other than drawing, but not sure that qualifies. I used to do cross-stitch back when it was the big thing, but have run out of walls to hang anything. My eyes are not sharp enough to see the patterns anymore. I do need something to occupy my time, though.
I really do appreciate all of you who have sent your condolences. It means a lot to me.
My daughter had surgery yesterday, for an ovarian cyst that ended up being on her tube and not her ovary. So they took part of the tube and left both ovaries. Hopefully this will make her feel better as she has hurt from that sucker for years. We are here spending time with the grandchildren. My son-in-law has to go back to work on Monday, so we are going to stay and help out.
I feel like my life hasn't been normal in a long time. Hopefully it will go back to some semblance of normal at some point. I just feel so scattered, and usually some routine to my life calms me down.
This is the picture of my mom that my niece put on her casket during the funeral. She was always feeding folks.
Saturday, April 06, 2013
Crazzzzzy!
"I'm going crazy, oh crazy, oh crazy,
I'm going crazy, cause that's the way I'm going!"
--Granddaughter's original song, age 5
You tube video
I want to add a verse!
Her grandpa's at the wheel, driving me there.
When he retires, I'll be nuts but won't care!
Can you tell how my weekend is going? I take special notice of my weekends now. I figure they are a glimpse into the future, four years from now, when he retires. It's not a pretty picture. Ha.
If things continue as they are, we will spend our golden years watching TV and eating Girl Scout cookies. He will get up now and then to go to the bathroom, and will pause the TV at the good part, then stay in there two hours.
Or...he will scrunch up his nose when I mention a Lifetime movie, will put on some car-screeching, exploding, screaming war movie in a spaceship....and then hold onto the remote while he lays back and goes to sleep and snores loud enough to rattle the windows. When I attempt to confiscate the remote, he will get angry, say he was most definitely NOT asleep, and If I thought I heard snoring, I must be hearing things... Oh, I'm going crazy oh crazy oh crazzzzy!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm going crazy, cause that's the way I'm going!"
--Granddaughter's original song, age 5
You tube video
I want to add a verse!
Her grandpa's at the wheel, driving me there.
When he retires, I'll be nuts but won't care!
Can you tell how my weekend is going? I take special notice of my weekends now. I figure they are a glimpse into the future, four years from now, when he retires. It's not a pretty picture. Ha.
If things continue as they are, we will spend our golden years watching TV and eating Girl Scout cookies. He will get up now and then to go to the bathroom, and will pause the TV at the good part, then stay in there two hours.
Or...he will scrunch up his nose when I mention a Lifetime movie, will put on some car-screeching, exploding, screaming war movie in a spaceship....and then hold onto the remote while he lays back and goes to sleep and snores loud enough to rattle the windows. When I attempt to confiscate the remote, he will get angry, say he was most definitely NOT asleep, and If I thought I heard snoring, I must be hearing things... Oh, I'm going crazy oh crazy oh crazzzzy!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Home Again
I got home from Seattle last Wednesday. I really enjoyed my visit. I told my husband that since all our children are in different states, we should move when he retires in four years, because there is nothing holding us here, and I'd rather be closer to kids or grandkids than here. I guess Daddy's death made me realize we need to cherish the time we have.
My dad was always super-duper thrifty. He saved all his life, and he was good at making money. He didn't take vacations, or eat out at restaurants. he used a wood-stove to heat his house. he raised his own pork, beef, chicken, and eggs. Since he's gone now, my step-mom let me know that her daughter is getting all the money, now. I said she should do that if that's what she and Daddy would want. Well, my own mom is having a fit that I and my sister were cut out, and she doesn't think we should have anything else to do with my step-mom. Well, I told Mom that I wasn't going to fight over money, that I would still treat them kindly, and do what I felt was right. She is not happy at all. My dad has a farm, and supposedly that will be divided four ways, between me, my sister, my step- sister, and my step-sister's two children. But that could change too.
I've always hated the buzzards circling when there is a death, but I do know that's not what Daddy would have wanted.
I see the therapist tomorrow. I'm about to quit, probably at the end of this year. I'm going to discuss what her goals for therapy are, and try to wind this up. I guess she may have a different opinion.
I am feeling better. Warmer weather is helping. Sunshine is helping. I am sleeping well without Ambien for the first time in nearly 15 years. I take Melatonin, no caffeine at night. I got a hearing aid, and it's nice to be able to follow conversations without missing half. So far it's been a good year. I hope you all are having a good one, too!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I Ran Away From Home
Most of you who know me, know that I recently lost my father. My father and I were pretty close when I was a little girl, even though he was distant in so many ways. When my parents divorced ( I was nine) both remarried within three months. I lived with my mom and step-dad, my step-mom was not very nice to me, and so I rarely went out there.
I see a therapist and often told her that I wish I could see my Dad without my step-mom there, because she always hovered and interrupted our visit in some way. Since Daddy got Alzheimer's he was much kinder, softer, sweeter. He was more affectionate, and talked more about his true feelings. This was the dad I always wanted. In some way, as devastating as Alzheimer's is, it tears down some of those walls we put up in our lives.
In December, that all changed. My step-mom fell and broke her hip. She was facing a hip replacement and a long hospitalization and rehabilitation. She had been Daddy's caretaker, and he could not be left alone, so my step-sister, sister, and two step-nieces started a rotating schedule of staying with Daddy. I was able to talk with him, and while there was a lot of repeating myself over and over, there were also some very nice times when Daddy shared memories from his younger days. He made it clear he still loved my mother, even though he had been married to my step-mom for 47 years. He said my mom had left him, and he got "so low, so low I just didn't want to go on anymore. He said he wondered who would want him, and felt like "I'm nothing. I'm a nobody." I have been in that kind of place, but never for one minute ever thought my father had been. I guess we think of our parents as super-human without feelings. I told my Dad I loved him, and he said, "I love you, too, Baby Doll." This was the first time he had ever told me he loved me, and I have to tell you I drank that up like I was dying of thirst. I told him every time I saw him, and he always replied the same. In fact, before he died, I held his face and told him I love you and he said I love you, too. Those were the last words he said before dying.
After a few weeks at home with all us girls as caretakers, Daddy got sick with a cold, and it went into pneumonia. He had to be hospitalized, and we stayed with him there around the clock. He joked with the nurses, and stayed in the best spirit. Then he started to go downhill. He was released to go home on hospice, and lived a week after going home.
I am not handling this at all. I am totally in denial. Doesn't seem real to me. I am very grateful I got the opportunity to have that time with him, but I still expect him to be sitting in his chair when I go to his house.
In the midst of all this, I had Christmas, my mother-in-law's visit, and a Social Security hearing. I think I was at the edge and not dealing well, so I booked a trip to Seattle, and here I am. I sit and watch the seagulls flying around the skyscrapers. I stroll through the open markets. I've been journaling. I think I really needed to get some distance from my life. And now I feel guilty about leaving hubby. But he's coming out in a week or so for a few days.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I see a therapist and often told her that I wish I could see my Dad without my step-mom there, because she always hovered and interrupted our visit in some way. Since Daddy got Alzheimer's he was much kinder, softer, sweeter. He was more affectionate, and talked more about his true feelings. This was the dad I always wanted. In some way, as devastating as Alzheimer's is, it tears down some of those walls we put up in our lives.
In December, that all changed. My step-mom fell and broke her hip. She was facing a hip replacement and a long hospitalization and rehabilitation. She had been Daddy's caretaker, and he could not be left alone, so my step-sister, sister, and two step-nieces started a rotating schedule of staying with Daddy. I was able to talk with him, and while there was a lot of repeating myself over and over, there were also some very nice times when Daddy shared memories from his younger days. He made it clear he still loved my mother, even though he had been married to my step-mom for 47 years. He said my mom had left him, and he got "so low, so low I just didn't want to go on anymore. He said he wondered who would want him, and felt like "I'm nothing. I'm a nobody." I have been in that kind of place, but never for one minute ever thought my father had been. I guess we think of our parents as super-human without feelings. I told my Dad I loved him, and he said, "I love you, too, Baby Doll." This was the first time he had ever told me he loved me, and I have to tell you I drank that up like I was dying of thirst. I told him every time I saw him, and he always replied the same. In fact, before he died, I held his face and told him I love you and he said I love you, too. Those were the last words he said before dying.
After a few weeks at home with all us girls as caretakers, Daddy got sick with a cold, and it went into pneumonia. He had to be hospitalized, and we stayed with him there around the clock. He joked with the nurses, and stayed in the best spirit. Then he started to go downhill. He was released to go home on hospice, and lived a week after going home.
I am not handling this at all. I am totally in denial. Doesn't seem real to me. I am very grateful I got the opportunity to have that time with him, but I still expect him to be sitting in his chair when I go to his house.
In the midst of all this, I had Christmas, my mother-in-law's visit, and a Social Security hearing. I think I was at the edge and not dealing well, so I booked a trip to Seattle, and here I am. I sit and watch the seagulls flying around the skyscrapers. I stroll through the open markets. I've been journaling. I think I really needed to get some distance from my life. And now I feel guilty about leaving hubby. But he's coming out in a week or so for a few days.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I'm Home
I got home from Seattle yesterday. Which has been a good thing and a bad thing. I am happy to see my husband and my doggie, sleep in my bed, and be closer to my daughter and her family. On the bad side, I worry about my middle son, and you wouldn't believe how nasty this house is after six weeks.
I have worked all day and still feel like I haven't made a dent in what I have to do.
My youngest son was recently on Suze Orman's "Can I Afford It" segment. He used his radio name, Jason. I recorded it from our tv with my iPhone so the rest of the family could see. I put it on Youtube. Here is the video.
I have worked all day and still feel like I haven't made a dent in what I have to do.
My youngest son was recently on Suze Orman's "Can I Afford It" segment. He used his radio name, Jason. I recorded it from our tv with my iPhone so the rest of the family could see. I put it on Youtube. Here is the video.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Seattle
I left home on sept 22 driving cross-country with my son, David. He got moved into his apt and started his new job. I will be going home in four days. I've been gone from home a lot longer than I planned, but felt I was needed here for a lot of reasons.
This apt is great. It's right in downtown. Sixty steps from Pikes Market. I'm no good with distance but counted steps! His apt is on the 24th floor, with a tiny, narrow, metal balcony that I have avoided. The first few days, with my son leaving the balcony door open, I kept having these feelings I was going to accidently slide through the living room and over the edge. Then my stomach would flip-flop! Ha. That got better, but being up this high still freaks me out. I try not to think about what that elevator shaft looks like beneath the elevator!
One day a week or so ago, all of a sudden, a guy appeared on a rope outside the window! Just dropped down and there he was. I shrieked and probably gave him a coronary. But if he signed up to hang on a rope and wash windows this high up, he is not scared of much.
Christmas is coming and my mother-in-law is coming....It did not go well with her July visit! I cried all the way home from the airport, it was so stressful. The therapist said my husband should have intervened, but I still have the responsibility to defend myself. She has a way of saying snotty things and acting like she was just showing concern. And I immediately feel SO defensive. So I think this time will be even more stressful if I have to take up for myself. I suck at that.
The grandkids are growing by leaps and bounds. Claire is in Kindergarten. They are looking forward to Halloween. Claire is going to be Strawberry Shortcake, and Ben is going as Mickey Mouse.
My youngest, Chris, broke up with his girlfriend after two years, and she has been letting the world know of her displeasure on Facebook.
My sister and I have made some semblance (spelling?) of peace between us. We don't socialize but do text back and forth from time to time.
That's about all the news!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
This apt is great. It's right in downtown. Sixty steps from Pikes Market. I'm no good with distance but counted steps! His apt is on the 24th floor, with a tiny, narrow, metal balcony that I have avoided. The first few days, with my son leaving the balcony door open, I kept having these feelings I was going to accidently slide through the living room and over the edge. Then my stomach would flip-flop! Ha. That got better, but being up this high still freaks me out. I try not to think about what that elevator shaft looks like beneath the elevator!
One day a week or so ago, all of a sudden, a guy appeared on a rope outside the window! Just dropped down and there he was. I shrieked and probably gave him a coronary. But if he signed up to hang on a rope and wash windows this high up, he is not scared of much.
Christmas is coming and my mother-in-law is coming....It did not go well with her July visit! I cried all the way home from the airport, it was so stressful. The therapist said my husband should have intervened, but I still have the responsibility to defend myself. She has a way of saying snotty things and acting like she was just showing concern. And I immediately feel SO defensive. So I think this time will be even more stressful if I have to take up for myself. I suck at that.
The grandkids are growing by leaps and bounds. Claire is in Kindergarten. They are looking forward to Halloween. Claire is going to be Strawberry Shortcake, and Ben is going as Mickey Mouse.
My youngest, Chris, broke up with his girlfriend after two years, and she has been letting the world know of her displeasure on Facebook.
My sister and I have made some semblance (spelling?) of peace between us. We don't socialize but do text back and forth from time to time.
That's about all the news!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I haven't updated this blog in awhile. After going through a pretty bad depression in December, I began to feel better due to new meds. I do find myself staying in quite a bit, but manage to keep myself busy. And I have taken a few trips this year, which I have really enjoyed. I've also had a couple of injuries back to back that I had to deal with.
In April, I discovered how very sharp a mandoline is, and that even if your potatoes seem to be hanging up in the guard, you should never try to push them through the slicer without it. I still have the pad on my pinky but it's numb and useless right now. The doc says that may improve, but we won't know for a year or so. The next week, my daughter broke her foot when she slipped off a concrete step, and although my granddaughter promised to go get her doctor kit and fix it, she had to be in a boot and crutches for awhile. I went up to try to help her, and with my one working hand and her one working foot, we were a funny pair.
In May, I went to Vegas with my middle son. He had been several times and had points for free airline tickets, so when he needed a travel buddy, I was happy to go. We saw the wax museum, one show, and had lunch at the top of the Stratosphere while crazy people bungee jumped by our window.
Later in May, I was so excited that Amazon's Vine newsletter was out (where I get free stuff to review) and so frustrated that my computer battery was dying, I sprinted through the bedroom to grab a charger and ran into a very heavy ottoman and fractured my middle toe. When I ended up going to the same ER, they accused me of being a walking MASH unit. It was taped and booted, and has been slow healing, because of the type of break and old age. Ha.
I have done a lot of canning this year- Silver Queen corn, green beans, pintos, squash pickle, etc. We also gave Earth boxes a try, and managed to grow some tomatoes and bell peppers before the high temps this summer killed them. I've had better luck with inside plants. My African Violets are pretty and growing well.I have all colors as I bought several new varieties on Etsy. I also have basil, thyme, rosemary, aloe, and a sequoia tree my son bought me last Christmas.
This month my husband, middle son, and I went to Chicago to visit my youngest son and his girlfriend. We saw the Sears Tower, the Field Museum, and just had a lot of fun visiting with them.
Right now, my mother-in-law is here visiting, and yes, I had so much angst over this visit, really dreaded it. She is a very negative and loves to explain what is wrong with everyone and what she hates about everything. My husband seems to feed off this and becomes very negative himself when she is around. So... Needless to say, I will be relieved when she has gone. I took this all into account when visiting Chicago and we only stayed for three days.
I'm learning to crochet. My mom tried to teach me years ago but she is a leftie. I bought yarn to make a granny square afghan.
Just finished this book. Liked it and now am reading Life of Pi before the movie comes out.
That's about it around here.
In April, I discovered how very sharp a mandoline is, and that even if your potatoes seem to be hanging up in the guard, you should never try to push them through the slicer without it. I still have the pad on my pinky but it's numb and useless right now. The doc says that may improve, but we won't know for a year or so. The next week, my daughter broke her foot when she slipped off a concrete step, and although my granddaughter promised to go get her doctor kit and fix it, she had to be in a boot and crutches for awhile. I went up to try to help her, and with my one working hand and her one working foot, we were a funny pair.
In May, I went to Vegas with my middle son. He had been several times and had points for free airline tickets, so when he needed a travel buddy, I was happy to go. We saw the wax museum, one show, and had lunch at the top of the Stratosphere while crazy people bungee jumped by our window.
Later in May, I was so excited that Amazon's Vine newsletter was out (where I get free stuff to review) and so frustrated that my computer battery was dying, I sprinted through the bedroom to grab a charger and ran into a very heavy ottoman and fractured my middle toe. When I ended up going to the same ER, they accused me of being a walking MASH unit. It was taped and booted, and has been slow healing, because of the type of break and old age. Ha.
I have done a lot of canning this year- Silver Queen corn, green beans, pintos, squash pickle, etc. We also gave Earth boxes a try, and managed to grow some tomatoes and bell peppers before the high temps this summer killed them. I've had better luck with inside plants. My African Violets are pretty and growing well.I have all colors as I bought several new varieties on Etsy. I also have basil, thyme, rosemary, aloe, and a sequoia tree my son bought me last Christmas.
This month my husband, middle son, and I went to Chicago to visit my youngest son and his girlfriend. We saw the Sears Tower, the Field Museum, and just had a lot of fun visiting with them.
Right now, my mother-in-law is here visiting, and yes, I had so much angst over this visit, really dreaded it. She is a very negative and loves to explain what is wrong with everyone and what she hates about everything. My husband seems to feed off this and becomes very negative himself when she is around. So... Needless to say, I will be relieved when she has gone. I took this all into account when visiting Chicago and we only stayed for three days.
I'm learning to crochet. My mom tried to teach me years ago but she is a leftie. I bought yarn to make a granny square afghan.
Just finished this book. Liked it and now am reading Life of Pi before the movie comes out.
That's about it around here.
Monday, December 12, 2011
December Out of Town
Even though i have been fighting depression a long time, and have had many frightening times when the thought of how much of a relief death would be, nothing scares me more than when you find out your child is depressed. I used to blame myself. Of course he got this from me, since I'm the obvious nutjob in the family, right? But since I began to speak out more openly about it, others in the family have begun to come forward on both sides of my childrens family to say they have fought this dragon too, so i dont feel quite as much that some odd gene in me caused a curse on my child. I have one son who has depression, and he has been on meds and under control for many years, but they stopped working, and I'vee been in a battle with the doctor to get him an appt sooner than January. He saw the doctor today, and we now have hope through new meds. I am staying with him right now, as he called me last week and said he didnt think he should be alone. He didnt have to esplain that to me as i knew exactly what he meant. So i am here until i am convinced he is ok.
My sis sent me two texts checking on him and i replied and added i love you, sis at the end. She does not reply to that part. But you know, i feel great saying it regardless. Im tired of pretending i dont care about people who hurt me. I do care or it would not hurt.
Well, i seem to be sleeping a lot. My son has gone back to work, so i am going to get. Much needed nap.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Sick but Sane?
I've had pneumonia, but I think I'm a lot better. I have cabin fever so decided I just really needed to get dressed and get out of here for awhile. I went down to the thrift store, and started feeling really sick/weak. So I turned around and came back home. I'm not running fever anymore, and I can breathe better, so I know I just have to be patient, but I'm definitely better.
My step-daughter's husband has been emailing me, and I've decided he's maybe a little past eccentric. Some of his rants are reallllly strange. (Look who's talking. ha!) Plus his moods seem to be all over the place. He doesn't seem like dangerous weird, but I bet he's a challenge for her to live with. He goes from the depths of depression to a kind of ranting mania to being really angry with everyone and everything. Sometimes he gets so bad, he makes no sense. I haven't told my husband a lot about the emails, as there is nothing they will let him do (but send money) and I don't want him to worry himself to death about her. He's been under a lot of stress lately with work, and now the doctor said his blood pressure is up, even with the medicine for it. So he doesn't need me to add to it.
One of my buddies posts often on FB, and her favorite word is "torture." (Why do I torture myself, etc.) Only she spells it torcher, and it drives me nuts. She's done that several times, and I thought about just sending her a message and telling her nicely that you spell it T-O-R-T-U-R-E, but I'm just too afraid I'd embarrass her. I'm not perfect with my spelling either, so I'm not sure why it bugs me so much, but it does.
We have a cruise planned in May, and I wish it was May already. I need a vacation away from here. I'm really looking forward to it.
My son bought me a computer picture frame for Christmas, and I've been enjoying it for the last couple of days, since I figured out how to load the pictures on it. Now if I need a smile, I just look at the grandkids' pictures. I think it's a great invention. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)