I wish..... 

Rent Prices

My youngest son is moving to Little Rock to begin a DJ job at a radio station there. He went on an apartment search this week. Since he's a social kind of guy, and works a lot of hours with his job and extra jobs, I suggested he try to get a small apartment, since all he does is sleep there. He found a very small one bedroom for $530 a month.
That sound very high to me. But of course, I've been out of the rental market for years. When I married in 1974, our first apartment was $85 a month. It was a two car garage that had been converted into an apartment on this lady's house. She also put an adjoining door between the apt and her house, and since it only locked from her side, we suspected the whole time we lived there that the old lady had come in to snoop during the day when we were at work. I'd come home to find a kitchen cabinet rearranged, or something moved on the coffee table. One night there was a bad thunderstorm and she came running through the door into our living room. Lucky for us (and her) we were decent. We finally decided we needed to move, and our next apartment was a big jump to $120 a month, but it included utilities (also a one bedroom). After several moves due to job changes, etc, the last apartment I lived in was in 1984. It was a 3 bedroom, nice and roomy, for $375 a month including water, sewage, garbage, and cable. After that we bought a house, and our apartment days were over.
I guess I'm behind the times, then, on prices for rent. I know Alabama is very low compared to some other parts of the country, but I've been assured that $530 is not a bad price even for here, so it's probably a good price for Arkansas, too.
We have a townhome, 3 bedrooms, 3 baths. Due to some lucky circumstances, I paid the mortgage off a few years ago. Now and then, we talk about moving to a larger place. (This one is 1850 sq ft) Then we start to think about paying a mortgage payment and we change our minds.
I like not having the payment, but more than that it's a security thing to me. No matter what, I know we'll have a roof over our heads. It would be nice to have a larger place at Christmas, though.

Putting Life on Pause

I complained to my counselor last week that my life isn't going anywhere, I'm not accomplishing anything, I don't know where I'm headed, and I'm not feeling productive. She smiled.

I explained how I used to think I wanted to go back to work because there I felt needed, appreciated, and competent, but then after having dinner with my boss and his wife, remembered why I quit that job and why I'd never go back. I spent many years of my life raising children, and that gave me a feeling of being needed. She nodded.

So now I am here at this point--facing fifty next year-- and I don't know why I can't seem to do anything, and on top of that, am having this problem with my balance that adds to my being stationary in my life...She laughed.

Then she asked if perhaps I had thought that maybe what I am doing right now, taking a "pause" in my life, isn't just what I'm suppose to be doing?

I told her I believe God gives us each something to do, and I'm sure I'm not getting my purpose met.

She said God also may be thinking it's time for me to stop and listen, and since I seem so adverse to it, he gave me a health challenge that wouldn't debilitate me but just slow me down for awhile...
It was clear she wasn't going to join me in my wallowing. So I began to feel frustrated.

She asked, "Why do you feel you have to be DOING something all the time?" My only response I could come up with was so that I wouldn't waste my life, so I'd feel worthy of it. She said that maybe, just maybe, I am right where I am suppose to be, and maybe just maybe I might be worthy of life even when I'm sitting still and taking a break.

She sure gave me a lot to think about.
I struggled so hard to find a purpose, something to do. When I first stopped working, I threw myself into spring cleaning and de-cluttering. After awhile, I realized that is a job that I'll never get a sense of accomplishment for because it never is DONE. So then I tried crafts, only to discover I am not a crafty person, and it was actually more annoying than relaxing. Then I began to write, which I enjoyed until I made it something I HAD to spend a lot of time doing every day or else I wasn't DOING IT RIGHT. And certainly I had to be selling a lot of things. So I found myself with three stories being published in the next few months, with a few checks coming in, and enjoying the writing less and less because I made it be about the money. I bought canvases and paints and never touch them. I bought movies to watch that still have the wrappers.

So most days I get up with no "to-do" list and hours of free time and end up with them passing without anything really accomplished. But today I realized I'm HAPPY and peaceful. Despite all the pausing, I'm happy. I enjoy puttering around here not having to meet any goals, or deadlines, and not having to please anyone but me. I enjoy the hours of silence during the day even when I'm just sitting looking at the birds out the window. I enjoy playing with my puppy, or taking a nap on the couch with a big feather pillow and a quilt. And one of the things I used to pray for daily was a peaceful life....

So maybe, just maybe God is trying to tell me to BE STILL, like a fidgety child. Be still and look. Be still and listen. Be still and learn. So for now, I'm on pause, and I'm going to stop worrying about when I'll push the play button again.

Bad Hair Days

Some people have asked me how the "growing out my hair" thing is going. Well I haven't cut it. It's at that ugly in between stage where it's not long enough for long styles, and too long for short styles. But I'm hanging in there. I couldn't believe all the response I got that was so positive on letting it grow, and how many women feel the same way. Made me feel a lot better about deciding to do it.
I haven't said much lately about my balance problems. I'm still having a really hard time walking without bumping into walls or tripping over my own feet. The doctor said to come back in six weeks, but that's been several weeks ago and it's no better. My son suggested this morning that perhaps, just perhaps, I should consider getting a cane to help me with my balance. It upset me but I realize he's probably right. Now I feel sort of like the old person who's deaf but won't get the hearing aid? But being afraid to go out for fear of falling or stumbling around until people look at me like I'm drunk, are keeping me from doing things I want to do.
I'm hoping the doctor will have something else we can do to help this when I go back. I can't stand the thought that this may be how it is from now on. I scare myself driving because images, once they bounce( like going over a bump), keep bouncing. So I haven't been driving but depending on hubby to take me everywhere. I feel better just doing some griping about it on here, though.

C'mon In...Air Conditioning Inside....

I changed the links for Amazon on the sidebar. The link to HerStory is the book one of my short stories will be in. This book is available at Amazon for pre-orders but won't be coming out until October. The book, Alabama, is written by my middle school best friend's mom (her mom was also my English teacher), Kay Cornelius, and she is a great romance writer with several books in print.

My husband is a big coin collector. That's what he "splurges" on. I splurge on books. I'm not sure where I got bitten by the reading bug. My parents are not readers, not at all. I remember when I was a child and they would leave to go somewhere and ask if I wanted them to bring me back anything special, I'd always say, "Buy me a book." Then I'd get a blank stare like they thought they'd better double-check with the hospital to make sure they didn't get the wrong baby. (They never brought me one back, by the way). I was also the one who used to argue with my very Southern parents about why I thought Black folks were just as good as we were. You can imagine how well that one went over. I seemed to always challenge things they just accepted. Children aren't suppose to challenge their parents ideas, especially not girl children, especially in the South. I remember when I told them I wanted to go to college and major in Math. They never did wrap their brain around that. For one thing, no one in my family ever went to college before me. And you know about the "girls" and "math" taboos that many people have.
I guess it was a combination of these rebellious thoughts that caused me to be labeled the black sheep of the family. That and deciding how I acted and what I did was no one's business but mine. I may die the black sheep, but I'll at least be able to say I tried to formed my own opinions and didn't just accept what I was told, and I LIVED my life, even though I spent most of it listening to the part of me my counselor said was "a part that could use some adult supervision."
I've been a member of about every church imaginable. I didn't want to miss finding the "right one" but never did. I figure they all have some good and some bad in them, and God isn't that concerned which building you sit in on Sunday as much as what your intentions are. I've met a lot of different kinds of people in my life and enjoyed listening to their varied interests. I have a friend who's a psychic, one who is the mother of thirteen kids, one who spends most of her time trying to keep up with those darn Joneses, one who could have made a killing as a lady of the evening except she kept forgetting she could charge for it, and one who is an amazing artist. I don't judge people. I just think they are neat to talk with.
My husband laughs about how he sees things in black and white and I see everything in gray. He will find some guy on a tv show and start preaching about how the guy is obviously wrong and I just have to defend the poor soul. Doesn't matter if I think he's guilty or not. It's more important to try to get my husband to see the other side. I like to see both sides of people. We all have good and bad. Some just lean more one way than others.
I guess I'd make a bad gatekeeper in Heaven. I'd say,"Well geez, I guess in your shoes I'd have done the same thing, so c'mon in. We've got air conditioning..."

Recent Submission

I submitted a short piece as an entry for a writer's calendar. The guidelines said less than 300 words about the writing life. Thought I'd share my entry with my blog readers.
Here tis.....

Taking my writing more seriously, I decided I needed an office. With a limited amount of space in our town home, I cleared out a small corner of our bedroom, begged my husband to put together one of those "easy to assemble" desks that take twelve hours to assemble, and bought an ample supply of pens, rubber bands, and colored paperclips. Perching my laptop proudly on top of my new workspace, I even hooked up a printer to print out the pages of inspiration I was sure would pour forth from my efforts to provide a proper place for my writing. Then I sat down to write......Hours later, I had four words on the page, and was calling my muse all sorts of ugly names, which she ignored.

To my dismay, she never seems to appear in my new office to give me that creative flow of words onto paper. She does, however, choose to visit me at traffic lights, when all I can find to write with is an old bank receipt and a tube of lipstick. She also appears to me in the middle of the night when turning on the light would guarantee a divorce, and I'm forced to try to remember her wonderful ideas for the perfect plot by reciting it to myself a hundred times in place of counting sheep. I guess she isn't impressed nearly as much as I am by my new office......

Quiz from Amy

Found this quiz on Amy's blog. Thought I'd answer them, too.

The Pop Quiz Answer

What were you doing ....
10 years ago... I was dating the first real love of my life. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and the worst. When I hear the song by Garth Brooks, "The Dance" I remember this time.

5 years ago... I had just bought this townhome, and still had the superwoman image of myself that I could do anything. It was all about to hit the fan.

1 year ago... I quit my job to stay home and write. Best decision I ever made.

Yesterday...My mother-in-law left, I got caught up on emails, and found out I had another story accepted. Good day.

Today... I have written three chapters to a book about a family in Macon GA during the 50's. Part comedy, part realism, part growing-up.

Tomorrow...is Saturday. I don't get much accomplished on my writing on the weekends.

5 snacks I enjoy... chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and chocolate.

5 songs I know all the words to... My Girl, Monday Monday, In a Gadda di Vida, Operator, Morning has Broken, Bridge over troubled water, there are hundreds of them. I remember words, always, but never which group sang what.

5 reality television shows I watch... Starting Over, New Gilligans Island, Trading Spouses, Wife Swap, and thats about it.

5 television shows I watch daily... Starting Over, Family Feud, a chick flick movie (usually), Who Wants to be a Millionaire, $100,000 Pyramid.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... Buy a bigger house (my daughter would be happy), pay off her house (she'd be even happier), give the other kids some money, start a fund for women in life transitions, hire a cook, maid, and chauffeur to take care of things while I write.

5 locations I would love to run away to... Greece. Paris. London. Sequoia National Park. and the Beau Rivage in Biloxi.

5 things I like doing... writing, reading, cooking, traveling, listening to other people tell about their lives.

5 things I would never wear... a padded bra, a mini-skirt (those days are over), a wig (unless I was bald), hot pink spandex jumpsuits, and stiletto heels.

5 recently seen movies I like... Batman Begins, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, War of the Worlds, and Gone with the Wind.

5 famous people I'd like to meet... Stephen and Tabitha King, Maya Angelou, Mary Magdalene, and Gloria Steinham.

5 biggest joys of the moment... Sold another story (yea!), writing going well, enjoying my new "office", reconnecting with an old friend lately, and my book collection's newest additions.

Thoughts and Deep Dark Confessions

Thoughts for the day....

If I was scheduled to go up on the Space shuttle and found out there was a problem with the windows falling out, I believe I'd stay home....

I was on a subway in London once...and I can tell you they are a scary place to be even without the latest bombings. It's sad no one is really safe anywhere anymore. When I was a kid we didn't even lock our front door. Now we have two locks and an alarm system and a dog and still worry.

I hate those stories in the newspaper that begin on the front page and then say continued on some other page. For one thing, I confess that most of the time I never finish them because I don't want to hunt for it. But the really embarrassing thing is sometimes I read what I think was the second half and find out it was to a totally different story, and I spend a while trying to figure out why the Environmental Protection Agency is going to be in the Best Brownie Cook-off.

Another confession--Sometimes I throw away the rubbermaid bowl with the leftovers in it so I don't have to wash it, especially when it's been in the fridge awhile and has a science experiment growing on it I always hide these deep in the garbage can so my husband won't know.

I have been known to put a frozen entree in my own casserole dish and then take credit for how good it tastes....

I've been divorced so many times that I get mail in so many different names my postman is confused. He thinks I have more split personalities than Sybil.

I have four different sized jeans in my closet which have all fit me in the last year at different times. I go up and down and up and down. I can't part with the small ones because I might fit into them soon (uh huh) and I can't get rid of the big ones because on my fat days when I feel like a beached whale they are all that will fit comfortably. Sometimes I secretly wish I could fake a pregnancy and go back to wearing maternity clothes, but without ever producing a baby.

I once wrote the word "orange" on my hand with a pen in second grade so I could remember how to spell it for the test.

I know venegence is suppose to be God's, but I'd love to have "Three Wishes for Revenge" and pick who gets clobbered.

You know those people who do you wrong and you let them get by with it without ever telling them off? Well I have daydreams sometimes where I cuss them so badly my Mama would die of embarrassment. It makes me feel sooo much better....Those are even more fun than my "what if" daydreams.

Sometimes I go take a nap and set the clock for fifteen minutes before my husband gets home and then jump up and comb out the bed head so he won't think I'm a lazy butt.

My last big confession....sometimes I fake being asleep so......never mind....

Continually Behind the Times

I have never been on the cutting edge of technology or anything else for that matter. My kids had IPODS for awhile and I still didn't even know exactly what they were. Then we went on a trip with my daughter and she had the transmitter so she could play it through our car radio and she let me play with it. I was hooked. I am now the proud owner of an IPOD and think this is the neatest thing. Everyone in the family had a digital camera alone or on their phone before I got the bug. I know don't know how I lived without a digital camera.
Unfortunately, I'm also the last to read the books everyone else knew about and read soooo long ago. For one thing, I am wary of Oprah books. Some I've liked, a few I've hated, so Oprah is not my authority on reading. However, I did decide to read GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING after I found it on a sale table at Books-a-Million. From the first page I couldn't put it down. Half way through I started feeling sad that it was going to end, and started trying to read it very slowlyyyyy. That only postponed my separation anxiety and it's my new favorite book ever. Then I decided to try one my daughter recommended, LOVELY BONES. I started it last night and now I'm totally immersed in this one and don't understand why I never read this before!
So, for my readers, tell me! What are some of your favorite books, and favorite gadgets? Help me before I get to be like my grandmother who would take the dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them, just so she didn't have to say she used a dishwasher!

A New Teacher

The cleaning lady came today, and she brought her daughter. Her daughter is my age, but she has Down's Syndrome. While her mother cleaned, the daughter talked to me. I have had some experience with people with Down's as I dated a guy one time who's uncle had Down's, and he spent a lot of time with us. However, this girl seemed far above anything he had been able to accomplish. She could read numbers off the television. She recognized prices on the Price is Right. She even called out her bids on items and hit pretty close, closer than I would. You can tell she loves her mom very much. She says, "Mom, you're an old woman." Then the mom replies, "Well you're my old girl." Then they both laugh. I started thinking after they left, how simple her life is. She loves and is loved. She finds pleasure in simple things that we all take for granted. She is never cruel to anyone, and never purposely does anything wrong. She loves with her heart wide open. She is like an example of the kind of person we should all be. Being with her put a lot of things in my life in perspective. I worry over stupid things, things that in the long run, don't mean a hill of beans. It's amazing the people God brings into our lives to teach us things.

This Year is Flying By

I remember when I was twelve and wanted so badly to be thirteen because then I'd be a teenager and, at twelve, that was the greatest thing I could imagine. It seemed like that year creeped by. Somewhere after thirty, God pushed fast forward on my life. Each year goes by more quickly than the last, and I feel such an urgency to do it ALL before time runs out. I tried to explain this to my children, the part about each year going by faster than the last, but I don't think they grasp it at this point. Just wait until they turn 35.
I set up an office in the corner of my bedroom with a desk, filing cabinet, and printer. I'm going to use the laptop for my writing. I also put up a bulletin board and set up my files, including one for contracts and one for ideas. Now it's my favorite place to be, because with the doggie wandering around from room to room getting into mischief, we've started keeping doors closed. When I come into my office, therefore, I am able to shut the door and pretty much remain undisturbed. This is especially valuable to me this week because my mother-in-law is visiting. I like her, as you know if you've read any of my previous posts, but I just feel so intruded upon when I have people around for very long. I don't feel that way mentally, but it seems to be a physical thing. I just want to be left alone, so I have to have some time to be off by myself.
I read an article once that said people fall into two categories, those who recharge themselves by being with others, and those who recharge themselves by being alone. No puzzle where I fall in that one.
We had lunch yesterday with the MIL and also MY mother. It was strange. My mother was nice to me, actually treated me like an adult, asked about me and things I'm doing. It was just so strange. I guess it may have been to impress the MIL but I don't care where it came from. I'm such an attention slut, I'll take it anyway it comes.
My middle son has a girlfriend, his first serious one. At least serious so far. They met online and haven't seen each other yet. They've exchanged pictures and caused me to have to recharge my cordless phone about a gazillion times. The end of this month, they are both going to the same event and will meet. I pray every night, Please God let it work out so he'll be happy. However it needs to be to make him happy. I just want all of them to be happy with their lives, and healthy.
I guess it's true...you never stop worrying about them no matter how old they get.

You Da Man Chris!

My daughter recently wrote this about my youngest son. We're all very proud of him, and her, and the other brother, too! I'm sure she wouldn't mind me sharing it here.

My youngest brother has always been outgoing, creative, and a risk taker (the exact opposite of me). When he was a kid and people asked what he was going to be when he grew up, he told them he was going to be "famous".When he was eight years old he built a "car" out of a toy wagon, a cardboard box, and saran wrap (for the windows). He used markers to draw headlights, door handles, and a license plate. He would sit inside it and roll down our driveway, using the wagon handle to steer.When he was older he became obsessed with doing magic tricks. He started getting gigs at birthday parties and community centers (he once asked me to help him spray-paint his hair orange for a show), and he eventually got a job as a magician at a restaurant on the weekends.To help finance his magic supplies, he started making wallets out of duct tape and selling them on the internet. He got so skilled with the duct tape that he made a tuxedo out of it and wore it to the prom for the "Stuck at Prom" contest.

He didn't win the contest, but got interviewed on the evening news.After high school he became an intern at the radio station in our hometown. He did so well that he was hired full-time and became the sidekick on their morning show. He is now a night jock on a station in Savannah, GA.His latest endeavor is feedlindsay.com, a website he created about Lindsay Lohan losing so much weight recently. Within a week after publishing it he got interviewed by "US Weekly", and this week he was interviewed by the "New York Post". If you do a Google search for "FeedLindsay" it is mentioned everywhere. He is also selling t-shirts -- our mom bought one of the eyechart ones.

Movies Movies Movies

We've been on a movie kick lately. One reason is the mother-in-law is coming and she hates to go to movies. So we'll be going through movie withdrawal with her here. We saw Batman Begins and it was awesome. We saw War of the Worlds, and even though I don't like Tom Cruise after his attack of Brooke Shields, I have to admit the movie was really good. We saw Cinderella Man and it has to be the feel-good movie of the year, a huge improvement over Million Dollar Baby.
I guess so far this has been a good summer for movies. I'm sort of peeved over Willy Wonka being remade, but I may end up liking it. Just seems like remaking Willy Wonka is like remaking Wizard of Oz or Gone with the Wind. Shouldn't be tampered with.
Oh, if you're wondering why no mention of Star Wars, it's because I bowed out on seeing that one. I was able to send my hubby with my daughter and son-in-law. I know so many people really love Star Wars and Star Trek, but my husband TIVO's anything that has "star" in it and we end up watching Stargate SG1, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek, Stargate Atlantis, etc etc.
Ok, so I'll admit there aren't too many tv shows I like, but there are a few. Most of them, though, wouldn't be favorites of many other people. I love "Starting Over" and TIVO three a day of them (catching up on past seasons). I love Trading Spouses: Meet your New Mommie. I really loved the episode where the Vegan traded families with the woman from the Louisiana Bayou and had to walk around fried alligator, dried alligator heads, rattlesnake skins etc etc. And the woman from this big hoopty house who had to live with a family that lived out of a travel trailer. That was funny.
Other than that, I don't care too much for television. Give me a good book anyday. I'm a book slut. :-)

Long Hair Short Hair

I've always loved long hair. As a child, my sister had long blonde curls my mom kept tied in a ponytail down her back. I had the "Buster Brown" haircut, short, brown, plain. I always desperately wanted long hair. As a teenager, I decided to go for it. I grew it long and loved it. Then someone in high school suggested I cut it, and at that age, suggestions mean "I should I should", so I did. I've regretted it ever since. After I married and went to work, I'd try to grow it out, but it would get to that in-between stage and I couldn't do anything with it, so I'd cut it. Then I had children. My daughter had the long blonde hair I'd always wanted. Even at her wedding, the long curls were just beautiful. So what did she do right after the wedding? Of course, she cut it. Now that I'm at home and not working, and I'm not busy with children, I thought, should I? Is long hair wrong for someone my age, 49? I brought up this subject with my pen-pal, Cathy, who is about my age, and it turns out she is trying to grow her hair long, too. Her comment was it's hard to look flirty if you can't flip that hair as you turn away. ha. I agree. I've always had a picture in my mind of what I'd look like as an old lady, and I am usually sporting long white hair pulled back in a ponytail, and some hippie-style get-up. (Because then who will care if anyone else likes it, right?)
So I did some research on google about women over 40 with long hair. Turns out men love long hair no matter what age you are. Women on the other hand, are not quite as agreeable. They were divided into three groups- those who are "card carrying" short haired women, who think they look more intelligent that way; short haired women who wish they could grow it long, but fear what other people think, and long haired babes just enjoying doing what they want. I guess Cher, Jane Seymour, and others who wear their hair long are in the latter group. I want to move from Group Number 2 to Group Number 1. But growing it long takes more than determination. It means that you have to struggle through the "ugly hair" stage, when it's not long and it's not short and it hangs like a bassett's ears and sticks out everywhere. This is the combat stage of hair-growing. I hear if you can make it through this, you've got it licked. I wouldn't know. In the past, I always folded during the combat stage. Not this time though. I'm determined. So if I have any readers out there, what do you think? Should women cut their hair short just because they are over 40? Do you personally like your own hair (or your wife/girlfriend if you are a man) better long or short? C'mon, tell me tell me.