Joys of Grannyhood

Isn't my granddaughter the cutest!

Dashing Through the Turkeys

We put up our tree, which prompted bringing out all the other decorations. We even put a wreath on our door. Hello Neighbors! We're doing Christmas decorating early. The next day, reindeer with lights appeared down the street, and wreaths are popping up on doors all over the neighborhood. Guess we started a trend. :-)
Anyone who knows my Grinchy ways, would have some doubts about whether I actually did follow through with Christmas decorating, so I posted pictures. Proof!
My mom and sister were suppose to come today, visit me, let my sister see the home I've lived in since 2000, go to lunch. Last night, my mom said she was very tired, and my sister had a lot to do to get ready to go out of town this week, so we've put it off until after the holidays. But, I ended up with a clean, halfway organized house.
My middle son still has not found a job. Keep praying. His savings are going down.....
I lost forty-something pounds. I have now officially gained back all but sixteen pounds. When I'm sad and depressed, I don't eat. When I'm happy, well, let's just say chocolate tastes way good. I feel like cooking. I feel like going out to eat. I feel like every food is calling my name. I'm going to have to deal with this, but I figure after the holidays is a good time.
I hope everyone has a very nice Thanksgiving. Gobble Gobble.

Thanksgiving is More Than Turkey

It's official. I'm old. I started playing cards at the clubhouse with the ladies on Friday mornings. Then my husband and I started playing cards on Monday evenings with the same group. Last Monday night, after we got home, a lady from the group called and asked if I would fill in to play at the Senior Center the next morning, because they needed one more player. I got directions and went. We played all morning, had a nice lunch at the center (for $5!) and then played after lunch until 1:30 or so. I loved it. They asked me to play again next week. As I left the Senior Center, one of the ladies at the desk said she was so glad I came, and hoped I'd come back.
I've often wondered about the senior center, because I've been bored at home and they seemed to have daytime activities, which in our town are hard to find. But I figured there was some age limit to being an official "senior", and at 52, I figured I wasn't there yet. Well, evidently the ladies think I am (is that good or bad? ha.)
So now I play cards THREE times a week, and I'm having so much fun doing it. Between that and my secret shopping, knitting loom, blogging, pen pals, and my husband's days off, I'm BUSY. And I like it. My normal pattern is to isolate and insulate, and here I am "out there among the English" (from the movie Witness) and loving it. And no antidepressants. I'm feeling very hopeful.
I've started feeling very grateful, too. I don't have anything really to complain about. Oh, I have the same aches and pains of any 52 year old (Things don't work the way they used to, especially joints!) Yet, I have a nice warm house in this cold weather. I don't have to cook if I don't want to. (All my life, I'd been married to men who expected that meal on the table, and I bought into that being my JOB.) I have a cleaning lady! (Love her, love her.) And I have healthy children and granddaughter. My kids are coming home for the holidays. My husband has a stable job. I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am.
We also decided to give church a go. We were invited to a couple's SS classes this Sunday, and we're going to try it and see.
So have a very happy Thanksgiving. I know I will.

Why I Hate Christmas AGAIN

Ok, I'm upset. So I know I'm going to bitch, so if you're not in a "listening to bitching" mood, then don't read this one.

My husband bought the new Christmas tree and it came yesterday. It's really pretty. We put it together to see how it looked, and the lights are really pretty. So he wants to start decorating. Gets out all the boxes of ornaments. I start with the box of my mother's. Really classy glass and crystal ornaments. Put them on, really pretty.

Then he gets out HIS box. Star Wars, Mickey Mouse, ornaments with his dead first wife's name. And he's putting them on the tree. Inside, I'm thinking, I'm trying to get into Christmas for him. This tree looks like sh*t. I hate it. Our classy tree looks tacky now. I wish it wasn't even in my living room. So he asks me how it looks. And passive aggressive me says, "I think I want a Coke. Do you want me to get you one?"

He says, "You don't like it?"

I said, "No. I like some of them."

So I end up telling him that I don't want a tree that looks like a cartoon exploded on it.

He said, "Our tree is eclectic."

I said, grumbling, "Yeah, it sure is."

So I get on my laptop trying to ignore the way I'm feeling, because try as I might, I don't care at that moment that I'm being a heifer about it. I don't care that I only got the tree because I'm making an effort to like Christmas for him. I'm thinking, Our whole house looks like sh*t. I hate that stupid China cabinet you moved in here. My house was never junky until you moved in. Now it's piled with junk. You don't get rid of anything! I want to throw everything we have away. How do you think I'm going to enjoy Christmas when I just realized yesterday that I don't have six square feet of space in this townhome to lay down an air mattress for guests at Christmas? Why is our stinking attic full of junk? Why is the only big closet we have in this house filled to the top with your stinking models still in boxes, and if you ever do put them together where are you going to put all those stupid things? I'm not having them sitting around everywhere! Who's going to dust all those *$#@ things?

And all the time I'm having this tantrum in my head, and am close to tears, he's up putting the cartoon ornaments back into the box. I'm trying not to notice.

So this morning I woke up, feeling all guilty. I put his freaking ugly ornaments back on our ugly tree. This is why we have been married six years without an argument. They go on in my head. Happy Holidays.

The Social Butterfly

Well, I'm officially not a recluse anymore. I went to the community clubhouse tonight with hubby and a bunch of other couples to play cards. I baked banana bread to add as our contribution to finger food. We played a canasta-type game with a very nice couple, and we had a really good time. When we started out to go home, my husband said my counselor would be very proud of me. I said, "You know what? I am proud of me, and that means more to me than what she thinks." He said, "She'd be more proud of THAT."

I stopped all my anti-depressant meds before I took my trip to Seattle. I'm down to a 1/2 of an Ambien to sleep, and one pill for cholesterol. Other than that, I'm med-free. My memory is improving. I don't have those moments as often now when I'm grasping for something I know I've forgotten. I don't have to pause in mid-sentence because the word I wanted to say is floating away. I have less moments when I think I have to do something and then promptly forget what.

I had told my doc awhile back that my memory was getting bad. This really worries me because of my dad's Alzheimer's. He said it's menopause, that it takes awhile for your brain to get use to hormonal changes. I asked what if my brain never catches up? He laughed, which was not funny. I was serious. So maybe my brain is catching up. Or maybe it's being off the meds. I'll take the improvement no matter the reason.

By the way, my husband did buy us that new Christmas tree. It's on it's way from a JCPenney warehouse somewhere. He drug all the decorations down from the attic. I'm going to make a bigger effort this year.

Several people at our card group go to the church near here where I took my kids when they were growing up. They invited us back (My husband has never been there, but I'm still a member.) I'm going to think about it. Going to church was easier when I was doing it to give my kids a religious background. It's harder to do just for me.

I'm reading Nickel and Dimed. It's about poverty in America. Living on minimum wage. I've been there, done that. Lived on food stamps and two part time jobs, raising three kids, with an ex-husband who was ten months behind on child support. I don't think the reporter who decided to slum it for the book completely grasped what it's like to not have that "other life" waiting over in the wings to fall back on.

I helped my youngest son fill out pell grant papers so he can go back to community college. He's the only one of mine that didn't finish college, so naturally I'm so excited that he's now interested in finishing. He's also worried that the economy is going to affect his job, so he's looking for another field to fall back on. My middle son is still job-hunting. Keep praying. Please.

Un-Scrooging Myself

Well, my husband was not happy last night. However, he was a good loser and sat up late watching the acceptance speech. He is now in his "wait and see" stance. I feel good about my vote, and he never asked me who I voted for, as I think he probably figured it out anyway. Alabama went Republican, as usual, although the Democratic vote was more than is usual for us. Hopefully, that means we got a lot of people interested in voting this time around, especially young people who hadn't voted before.

My son in Washington called last night. The car he had stolen was located. Although they messed up the ignition, the rest of the car was intact. He went down and claimed it and is having the work done to fix the ignition. The police found it on a street near where he lives. He's going to buy some kind of burglar-proof device to install in the vehicle to keep it from happening again.
I bought my turkey roast today for Thanksgiving. We are having Herbed Boneless Turkey Roast, Mashed Potatoes, English Peas, Cranberry Sauce, Deviled Eggs, Yeast Rolls and a dessert. I think my Mom, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter, my husband, and I will be eating.

I've decided to make a real effort this year to make Christmas a good time for my husband. I was looking at a Christmas catalog the other night and found a beautiful white tree. It looked like snow in the forest to me, and I told my husband I could actually get excited over Christmas with a tree like that. I was half-kidding, but he grabbed the catalog to look and got all excited that something....anything....could get me excited. Then he told me we'd try to get a new tree if that would help me love Christmas, because he LOVES Christmas. I felt bad that I've been such a scrooge about Christmas up until now. We probably won't buy a new tree. We don't need one, as we have a perfectly good tree in the attic. But I plan to do some decorating. I have boxes and boxes of Christmas things in the attic. Christmas we will have a much bigger group eating dinner, and I'm thinking a Honeybaked Ham would be good to have again.



I bought a Knifty Knitter set of round looms, made a hat, and am now working on a scarf. When I was a little girl, my grandmother would take a wood thread spool and put nails around the opening. Then we'd use her crochet threat to make a long knitted worm, which we called a bookmark, a bracelet, whatever you can call a knitted worm. ha. I could never grasp crocheting or knitting on previous attempts, but this is easy. It's also relaxing to do in front of the tv in the evening.

The weather is getting colder here. I bought a new wool peacoat this year, but it hasn't been cold enough for me to wear it. It's suppose to get into the 30's Friday night, so maybe it's getting to be coat weather.

I won a $20 Amazon gift card for a blog entry I did for a site where I won the writing contest a few weeks ago. I wrote about what I did with the prize money, and they seemed to like it.

My cleaning lady was suppose to come at noon. I got up early, straightened up the house, took the dogs to the groomer to get them out from underfoot, and ran early to the grocery store. When I got home, put up groceries, no cleaning lady. She called about 10 to say she is down in her back. I told her just to wait and come in two weeks then. She said she needed the money and might come today anyway. Huh? I said well, if you are hurting, you should probably stay home. Then she said she needed the money for Christmas. So I said well, you can come, or you can wait two weeks, either way. So she said she'd call me back and let me know. No word after an hour. So I called her back again. She's coming, and I'm so confused.

Voting, Gossip, and Doggies

My son in Seattle wanted some updating pics of my pooches. I thought they turned out so cute, I'd put them on here. Peanut, the fuzzy Pom/Chihuahua mix is just now getting his hair back. When we adopted him, he had a thyroid condition that had made his hair fall out. He's all better now on his medicine. BooBoo, our Malti-poo, has adjusted to having him around. I kept trying to get them in a pic. BooBoo posed and stayed put, and by the time I'd get my camera on them, Peanut would walk away. AWWWWGGGG! I finally got a couple with them in the same frame.

I went to vote this morning. It's always a traumatic time as I have busy-body neighbor women who run the polling place. I had no lines, thank goodness, but got right in and out easily (about 930 AM). When I got there, the first thing one of the ladies said was "We were just talking about you." Hmmm...

I changed my mind about my vote several times on the way there, but made up my mind for sure when I got there. Cathy will be happy...and my husband won't..... :-) My sister left me a message by my mom that I better not vote for that (N word). So I did. (Not just because of that.) And I again am reminded why she and I are not close.

Money From Home, Spaghetti, and Furs

When my kids were small, I would have given anything for a way to make money at home. Now with a computer, it can be done. Of course, back then, I didn't have a computer.
So now I do a few different things to make money.

I write for Associated Content. They pay per page view now, and I get about $40 a month for articles I have stored on there (haven't written anything new in awhile.)

I enter stories on fieldreport.com. That is where I recently won a $1000 in their writing contest for October.

I do secret shopping for Marketforce and Shoppers Critique.

I sell things on Ebay occasionally.

And I do surveys for Mindfield. (The surveys pay $1-$3 or so each. When you get $10 in your account, you can request a check, or you can let it build up more and get a bigger check. I usually cash out every $10.)

And this sounds so cheesy but my husband gives me an allowance....He has a direct deposit going into my checking account every two weeks, not a lot but some spending money. We also keep a joint chkg for bill paying, but he pays the bills and I don't use it very often. I like having MY money.

Now and then, I think of going back to work, but thankfully, it's a fleeting thought that passes quickly. :-)

My middle son still has not found a job. He had a telephone interview yesterday, so hopefully he'll find something soon. I'm really worried about it. My daughter says being in Management Info Systems is a good field, and he should find something.

My best friend's ex is getting married this weekend. Their divorce has been final for about ten months. The new wife said my friend did not respect her husband because he said she didn't keep the house clean enough. I want to go over there and knock some sense into her. However, I rest assured that being married to his butt will knock some sense into her quickly enough. ha. I asked my friend how she felt about him getting married, and she said she couldn't care less. I don't know if I really buy that, but I hope for her sake that it's true. He's a royal JERK.

We watched Obama last night. Here (Don't know if it was nationwide), the audio and video feeds didn't match. Drove me crazy trying to watch it. I'd want a refund if I paid out that much and it was messed up like that.

I ordered a faux fur coat on Ebay. It's long and white and looks like ermine. I love it. I put it on and feel like a movie star. Then I look in the mirror and feel like a polar bear. Not sure who will win out but I know I'm going to enjoy wearing it. It's warm, too! No, that's not me in the picture. That's the Ebay photo.



My youngest son bought a new red convertible. He's really a big deal now. ha. He sold his motorcycle and truck to get it. I was thrilled the motorcycle was gone.


Well, Tuesday is voting day, and it's the first time I really don't want to vote. Yes, I will though. I have to go cancel out my husband's vote.

Well, I'm actually cooking tonight, so have to go start the spaghetti sauce. Me, cooking...what is the world coming to?

Dippety Do and Helmet Hair

I got up this morning early to color my hair. I've had good experiencing with coloring my own hair and some nightmares. Although I have sprung for coloring in a salon a few times, most of my life, from the age of fifteen, I've been doing my own. Believe it or not, Avon used to sell hair color, and my mom used to sell Avon. All my friends were using Sun-kissed (You spray it on, lie down in the sun, and gradually end up with really brassy blonde hair), but I wanted something not so drastic. My mom bought me some Avon Dark Blonde, which was a shade lighter than my normal light brown. I loved it. The next time I colored, it got a little lighter, then a little more, until I spent all my teen years as a medium blonde. Long, straight hair was the fashion. That's good, because my hair was long, extremely straight, would not hold a curl, and I had no idea how to style it.

I watched what other women in my family did with their hair. My grandmother sat at the kitchen table while my mother put in a Toni Home Permanent and then rolled her hair into pin curls secured with bobby pins to style it. (All the time my mom was perming and setting, she would yell that Mom was pulling her bald-headed.) Then she would comb it straight back, making waves with her fingers, and put on a white "invisible" hairnet. At least once during all this, she would swear she wished she was a man, so she could wear a crewcut all the time.


My sister slathered her hair in Dippety Doo and used wire rollers with pink piks to hold the rollers. Then she put a gigantic elastic cap over this, hooked a hose from it to the dryer unit, and turned it on.

It would blow out bigger and she'd sit with this contraption on her head until her hair was dry. This was followed by a lot of teasing (with a rat tail comb of course), curling up her flip with her fingers, and then spraying with a lot of Aqua Net hairspray. After this, no hair moved on her head, even in the wind, even when she moved her head suddenly.

My mom went to the beauty shop every week, where they colored, "washed and set" her hair. She always fell asleep under the dryer. They kept walking by and shoving her head back under the hot helmet so it would dry.

This was followed by a lot of teasing, a lot of Aqua Net, and polyester pillow cases to keep the hair from getting messy.

Drying hair was interesting. Usually, I just washed mine, combed it, and let it dry. I couldn't see sitting under the huge plastic cap my sister used, and I hadn't yet seen a handheld dryer. In the winter when it was really cold, I would flip my hair upside down in front of our floor level space heater and brush it while it dried. Yes, this left it slightly frizzy, but it dried.

My girlfriend, Dolores, said she would kill for my straight hair (in the early Cher days), and used to roll her hair on the cans that frozen orange juice came in to keep her red curls from curling.

Then came frosting kits. We all had to try this. I did my own and then two of my friends. Mine and one friend's hair turned out great. The other friend turned out green, and she spent the next two days at the beauty shop trying to fix it. (You notice I still referred to her as friend, as she knew my home treatments had no warranty, and I am almost positive she lied about having color on her hair already.)


I remember the Christmas I got a bright orange handheld dryer with brush and comb attachments and a set of hot rollers. I switched from the space heater to my new "Orangie" and was so happy that I could now wash my hair when something last minute came up. The hot rollers were a nightmare. The little metal hoop pins didn't hold the roller in the hair, the rollers got really hot, and the metal center (if you were so lucky as to stick your finger near it) would end up with a roller tossed across the bathroom and me in trouble for cursing.

Plus, my super straight hair really preferred to be super straight, so the electric roller curl only lasted about twenty minutes ( I refused Aqua-net "metal helmut" Spray.)

I remember the first time I found hairspray that let your hair still move, Velcro rollers,and curling irons. I recently found a little gadget that lets you do a french twist on your own hair with only two bobby pins (and the gadget).

So what did I do to my hair this morning? I made it straight, and blonde, and am letting it air dry. Guess I haven't come such a long way after all.

Another Pre-December Gripe Session

It's turned very cold today in Seattle. It is cloudy every day, even the so-called "sunny" days. My son likes it cold, but I've been freezing all day. The fact that he leaves the windows open doesn't help. He said it helps to keep air circulating so mold doesn't grow around the windows from all the rain and humidity.



Christmas is coming quickly, and Thanksgiving even more so. All the kids are coming home Christmas, as is my hubby's mom (although my Seattle son may not be able to come if he has a new job then.) My daughter wrote today to ask what days we are going to have our holiday dinners. I need to get my butt in gear and figure all this out, but right now, all I am doing is dreading dealing with the whole thing. I know that's my typical Scroogie-ness coming out, which it usually does this time of year. Maybe once I get home, I'll be able to wrap my brain around all of this and make some plans. But not right now. No one is coming Thanksgiving except for my daughter and her family. We may just do Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving this year. I can spend more time with them and the baby if I'm not cooking all morning. I don't know why I hate the holidays. I always feel so overwhelmed by them. I always dread the whole season. And I always feel so guilty for feeling like this. You'd think after 52 Christmas days, I'd figure out what my problem is and get in the flow of things, but it seems to get worse every year.

We went to a park today and had fish and chips for lunch, and we bought chowder to bring home for dinner tonight. That's good, because I'm already getting sick of cooking.
Ok, this is sounded like one big bitch session, so I'll stop this post here.

My Not On Ambien Post

I said I wasn't going to write anymore, but I've gotten several emails saying don't stop, so here I am. Thankfully, this time, I am not on Ambien when I write this. I've been taking Ambien for several years, every night, to sleep. All those reports you hear of people eating, driving, having conversations they don't remember are all true. Ambien works great as long as you take it and go straight to bed. It's when you think you can stay up until you get sleepy that you get into trouble. No I haven't driven, or wandered out of the house, but I have had conversations I don't remember the next day, have bought things on Ebay (that arrived and I had no memory of), have sent emails, and now, evidently, have posted to my blog. But like I said, not this post!
When it does happen, it totally freaks me out, and I swear I will never try to stay up again, but will only take it once I'm in bed and the light is out. This time I decided to start trying to wean myself off them altogether.

See, I remembered posting to my blog. I remembered saying that my son in Seattle had lost his job, but I didn't remember anything else. Evidently, the Ambien kicked in during the middle of my post, because it started out sounding rational and then went to hell in a handbasket about 2/3 of the way through.

So, here's the update. I'm in Seattle, visiting my son. I've been here since the 7th. He lost his job about six days into my visit. He's gotten a tentative offer from a guy he used to work with, but it doesn't start until January or so, so right now he's trying to find something until then. I bought groceries and have been making dinner every night to keep him from spending his on eating out. This week we've had meat loaf, burgers, spaghetti, and barbequed chicken. I'm trying not to tell my hubby much about my new interest in cooking because I plan to lose interest quickly once I return home.

I miss hubby, miss home, miss my daughter and her family, and miss my dogs. We had to board them during the first week I was here, because my husband also came to visit for the first week. Then he had to get back to work. He picked them up and kept them at home a few days and then had to board them again for a business trip he leaves on tomorrow. I bet they are really confused and mad at me. They are stuck at pet camp while Mom kicks back and watches Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. (I thought this week was not nearly as good as it has been in the last few weeks.)

My son has a fantastic view. Right now, curled up in the recliner, I see the mountains, trees, a lake, and a cop giving a guy a ticket on the road below. Poor guy.

In the other post, I said I won a writing contest. Biggest payout I've gotten from my writing. Much better than I got from writing for Chicken Soup. My husband has been watching the mailbox for it every day, as I got an email saying it had been mailed this past week. I'll probably just put most of it on paying on credit cards, and the rest back into our savings account for money we used on the trip.

I lost 42 pounds, gained fifteen back, and have lost ten of that back off since I've been here. I think what did it was all the walking and sightseeing we did last week. I'm just glad it's getting back down. I quit the low-carb thing because I was feeling so tired all the time. I think low carb works fine, but I tried to cut out all carbs, and after almost a year of that, I had no energy at all.
Now I just try to eat what I want, but only half a portion, and only at mealtime.

The trees here are turning red and gold. It's really pretty. I didn't bring my camera this time, but my son did take some pics while my hubby was here last week. I'll get those from him and try to post some. I really like Seattle, but it's very expensive to live here.

Coming to Seattle with a Southern accent seems to open the door to a lot of conversations with strangers. The grocery delivery guy talked to me about my trip, the cashier in Target picked up on my accent and wanted to know my opinion of Seattle versus Alabama. (Very different. Although both have a lot of things to do and see, Seattle has a lot more traffic. The houses here are built two feet apart. The McDonald's dollar menu Double cheeseburger costs $1.29. Gas is less. Rent and real estate are MUCH higher. A house here for 200K is a 55K house in Alabama. Our 200K houses in Alabama would run about a half million here. Here voting is done by mail. The postman asks you your name here before he will leave a package, and then looks at you suspiciously anyway. At home, they bring the mail, wish you a good day, pat your dog on the head, and bring in your newspaper, AND you know their name. If I'd asked the guy here for HIS name, I think he would have had me arrested.) Anyway, a Southern accent seems to give people the impression that you are friendly and approachable, which I guess I am, even though I didn't think I was.

Since I stopped working a couple of years ago, I've gotten to be an All My Children addict, especially the last week or so, since they've had the "Tornadoes hit Pine Valley" episodes. You can tell the writers don't know much about tornadoes. For one thing, in Alabama a tornado watch means nothing. You still go get groceries, go visit the neighbors, go to the movies, and kick the weather radio for going off for a stupid WATCH. A warning means you get under something, but only when you hear the silence after the hail and before the train sounds. On AMC, a tornado watch meant the Chief of Police ordered everyone off the roads and back to their homes. If I stayed home for every tornado watch, I'd never get to go anywhere. Anyway, their reaction to the tornadoes only reinforced my husband's name for them, the "Dope Operas." Regardless of his opinion, I can't wait to find out what happens tomorrow. Or to kid him about the fact that even though he's got a name for them, he has recorded and watched AMC the last few days at home.

Well, I guess I'll hang in there with the blogging....

Don't Let Her Have the Keys

If you happened to read the last blog post from last night before I deleted it, and thought I sounded spacey, I was. I took my Ambien and stayed up too late. Everything I said was true but I sounded like a blithering idiot. Sorry about that.

Shopping Touchdowns

I decided to share with you girls some of my shopping finds. I checked and as I post this, it looks like they still have plenty of sizes in stock.
First is this topper from REQ for Sears (Yes, Sears!). It's soooo cute for over dress pants, jeans, whatever! Be sure to take a close up of the pattern. I got mine and I love it. And it's 40% off!


Next is this pair of black pumps from Target.
Just read the reviews. I know I swore I'd never wear heels again, but these are low and stretchy and have a padded innersole. They are sooo much cuter than in the picture. I was so happy when they came. I put them on and wore them around the house for an hour to see if they were comfortable, and they are!

Ok, here's the perfectly priced little black dress. I have some black boots and also the pumps above, and I can throw on the topper, too! I love that it has enough sleeve to cover my fat upper arms! Check out the reviews on this one, too. Everyone loves it.

See, I'm a pretty good shopper. I bought things I could wear for a long time, that would mix and match well. (I was thinking my husband's Christmas party when I bought this black dress).
And no, I don't get paid anything from Target or Sears. I wish! Then I'd have more shopping money!

Catching Up

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I'm feeling so much better, and I've been getting out of the house more.
We went to see my daughter, son-in-law, and the cutest granddaughter the world has ever known last weekend and had a really good time. My son-in-law made this great shrimp boil. Yum.
Today my daughter came by, since she was in town visiting her friend, and we all went out to Applebee's. My husband and I also went to the mall and walked and ran some other errands. I feel like I have all this energy, but I think I'm wearing him out with my new cabin fever. Everytime he sat down today, he fell asleep. He went to sleep at 8PM tonight. So what am I doing? That brings me to my next subject.
I've been shopping. A lot. It all started with me giving most of my clothes to my best friend. I was tired of wearing clothes that hung on me and were two sizes too big. I wanted new ones. So I have been doing a lot of clothes shopping. TJ Maxx, Catherines, Ebay, etc. And what am I doing now? Ordering new skin care and makeup from the Home Shopping Channel. My husband is going to want to trade me in for a cheaper model.
I also dyed my hair. The ash blonde I've been using to cover my gray was making me look washed out. So I colored it with Light Golden Brown, which on my hair turned out Light Golden Reddish-Brown. But I like it.
I got back out my jewelry making stuff and have been doing that. I've been looking at fashion magazines. I've been doing some reading on my Kindle. And I'm getting ready for my trip to Seattle on October 7th for a three week visit with my son. (My husband is coming for a week of that.)
Now for the family. My granddaughter is walking and getting into everything she can find. Her favorite is dragging out her mom's Tupperware from the cabinet. I think I started her Tupperware fetish because I gave her my big wooden salad spoon and a plastic bowl for a drum.
My youngest son got a dog from the humane society where he lives. Cute dog. They had recently spayed her and she still had her stitches. He went out and bought all the standard doggie items (collar, tag, bed, dishes, toys, etc.) and fell in love. Only problem is they didn't tell him that this dog has a tendency to bolt. He came home the second night and as he opened the door, she ran out. He spent days frantically searching for her, posting flyers etc. He finally spotted her out by the dumpster, but every time he tried to get close to her, she'd run into the woods again. This chase game went on until he was certain he'd never catch her. Then today he went out and saw her again in the apartment complex. He said she looked like she'd been in a fight with something and lost. He lured her into the house with dog treats. He said she was in pretty bad shape, very hungry and thirsty. She had a cut on her snout and a cut across her head. He took her to the vet, got her stitches out, had her wormed, given a flea killer pill, and generally checked out. The vet says she will be fine. Now he's just concerned about opening his door, but I think he'll be careful from now on.
My daughter is happy being Mama. She is so good with the baby. We are all just thrilled and feel very blessed to have her here and doing well, since she was born with a congenital defect and was in the NICU for the first few weeks of life.
Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to post more often.

Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

My mom called this morning and said while she was out gardening in her flowers, she leaned too far forward, lost her balance and fell face first in the mud.
Last night, my husband, who ran out of his restless leg med was squirming and keeping me awake. I got my pillow and c-pap machine and headed for the front bedroom. It was dark in the house and I did not know he had put the baby gate up to keep the dog in the kitchen. I fell over it and landed on top of the c-pap unit.
My daughter said my son fell down a few steps on their staircase last week.
I told her to be careful, because we seem to be developing a pattern here. ha

My cellphone rang the other night and it was my granddaughter. She had gotten her mom's cell and redialed the last number called. She played me a melody on the keys and did a lot of interesting jabbering. It was so cute.

We've been watching the Olympics, and if those Chinese gymnasts are 15, then so am I.
I don't know why they let them get by with that, except our government owes their government millions of dollars. As my old boss used to say, He who has the gold makes the rules.

Say a prayer for someone we know named Bob. He is only 52, and has a rare brain disorder. His life expectancy is somewhere between one and ten years. I know he'd be thankful for your prayers.

My Granddaughter Dances!

Still in Outpatient Forest

I'm still in the outpatient program for the depression. I went every day last week but Friday (saw Dr about my glaucoma good report) and this week I go M-W-F.
They finally have me on Wellbutrin SR, Effexor, and Provigil, and I'm feeling better. The clouds are lifting, finally. I'm getting better at going to groups. I actually talk now, some at least. It's hard to believe I've spent most of the last five weeks in the hospital. I no longer feel ashamed of it though. I don't care what people think anymore. I did what I had to in order to survive, and I'm surviving.
I've been meaning to update my blog but everytime I started, I just felt frozen and couldn't think of what to write. So now, I have proof that I'm improving, because at least I'm writing something.

Light Through the Trees

Well, Sunday night my husband took me back to the ER and they put me back in the hospital. I've been inpatient until tonight, and I start the outpatient program tomorrow, will go all next week, and probably the next. I'm on all new medicine, one of which my insurance needs a doctor's override to pay for. We though we might get it anyway, but it cost $529 for a month! No, that's not a typo.
I am feeling better. The depression is lifting.
I also called my mom from there and told her how I felt about her letting my sister quit having anything to do with me, and I felt like I'd been cut out of the family for the last twelve years. She denied it until I reminded her I only see her once a year, and I've never seen any of my sister's seven grandchildren. She said she was going to "fix that." I also asked her if she loved me. She said you know I love you. I said no you never say it. Not my whole life. So she told me she loved me about three times.
Then last night, she and my sister came to visit at the hospital. My sister and I talked and I told her I wanted us to be sister's again. She agreed, and seemed really genuine. Both of them hugged me and told me they loved me.
Well, I have a lot to do tonight before I have to go back to the outpatient program tomorrow, so I'll try to write more over the weekend. Thanks for all the kind comments.

Still in the Woods

I have found out a couple of things that may have contributed to my going downhill so quickly. One-my regular doc put me on Singular three weeks before I went in the hospital (which the hospital immediately took me off) and it has been linked to depression and suicide. Second, my blood pressure was so low in the hospital, they took me off my blood pressure medicine and it's still low. So I didn't need that, and low blood pressure makes you feel crappy.
Plus, I went in the hospital with what I thought was a UTI, which they treated with three weeks of antibiotics. To make a long story short, they are still finding massive amounts of white blood cells in my pee, and want me to see a urologist August 15th. They said it could be a lot of things, but didn't really say what.
Somehow it makes me feel better to know that it wasn't all mental, but some of it was physical, too.
The psych is still trying meds, and I see him again Tuesday. I left the house for the first time today (except for dr appts) and that was to see my dad. I sat down and talked with my step-mom for hours and I cried and she cried. Then I hugged my dad three times and told him I love him twice, and he replied he loved me, too. Then she hugged me and said she loved me, and I told her I love her, too. Then I realized I do love her. I came home and slept all afternoon. My husband has been begging me all week to go out to eat, but I haven't felt like going anywhere. I have no appetite. That visit did me good, though.
I started this blog to be honest, and I've always just put it out there. I write to unload as much as I do for anyone else to read. I feel like shit, ya'll. I'm still in the bottom of the well and no rope they've thrown down yet has worked to get me out.
I had a friend I've written about before who killed herself because of depression. I never understood until this time around. You actually think you feel so low that death would feel better. In your mind, you know that's not rational. I keep telling myself that my therapist said I will pull out of this. She said she's seen worse, and they pulled out. But I have to be patient. So I'm still here, being patient, wandering in the forest.

Wandering in the Same Forest

Seems like it's been forever since I posted. I went to see my therapist on June 24th. I knew I hadn't been myself in quite awhile, but thought I could pull myself out of it. When I saw her that day, after about thirty minutes of her probing questions, I admitted I had some thoughts of suicide occasionally. She called my psychiatrist. Then she asked for my husband's cell phone number. I remember telling her that I was meeting him for lunch at 11:30. I have no idea what time that was then.
The next thing I know he came in, and I burst out into tears. He held me a long time while I cried and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept saying, "It's ok. Don't worry about anything. It's all going to be ok." Then he cried with me.
They sent me to the hospital's behavioral health unit, and I don't remember a lot about how we got there or checking in, except what he told me. I felt like I was sort of disconnected. He said I kept apologizing to everyone.
That was on a Tuesday, and he was allowed to visit Wednesday, and then not again until Saturday. All I did for days was sleep, get up, go to group, go to bed. Sometimes I ate, but mostly I didn't care about eating. I tried to read books he had brought me but ended up reading the same page over and over and gave up. I saw the doctor every day. He changed my meds, re-changed them. I told my husband I didn't want him to tell anyone I was there. I didn't want to worry anyone or see anyone. He did tell my kids and his mom.
I went to the groups unwillingly. It took me awhile to speak in one. The first time I was forced to talk, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room and cried the rest of the afternoon. I don't know what day that was. My husband said I called him crying, but I don't remember that. Just being embarrassed about leaving the room in front of people. I took medicine when they handed it to me, and I stayed in bed a lot.
Now they think they have me on some mixture that will work, but they keep saying I have to give it time. I wish I could say it kicked in and I'm feeling great now, but it hasn't and I don't. I do feel more connected to myself though. Just still very tired.
I finished the outpatient program this week. I begged the doctor not to make me go next week. He said if I could get two appts with the therapist I didn't have to. I did, thanks to my husband making a lot of calls.
I feel numb. I do feel some better than I did. I can read now and concentrate on that. I don't know what else to say. I still feel ashamed of all of this. I now know my labels. I'm "major depressive disorder," and "generalized anxiety." I'm also still wandering in the forest.